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Original poster

Is that money ‘mine’?

380 replies

MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 17:25

I am disabled and receive ESA (so that’s my ‘income’)

Ive just been awarded PIP and have received backdated money. It’s quite a bit of money (for me). About the equivalent of 1 month of DH monthly wage.

dh wants to treat that money as ‘put it in the common pot’.
im thinking this is money to improve my quality of life, xtra cost due to my disability etc… Not to go and buy groceries or do some decorating.
ESA goes in the common pot.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Acheybreakyhead · 29/04/2023 19:21

GoodChat · 29/04/2023 19:21

@Acheybreakyhead that grant depends on finances and she's got the money to afford it without the grant so she wouldn't be high priority.

Surely her husband should support her independence.

Which circles us back to my earlier comment that this man is financially abusive

Acheybreakyhead · 29/04/2023 19:22

The help is out there. OP does not have to stay with this man.

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 19:22

OP, if your husband were to get a bonus, is the practice that such money does not go into the household pot and instead he gets to keep and spend that on something for himself?

I think in a healthy relationship each person should have autonomy over their earnings and resources and the 2 people involved should reach a mutually agreed upon arrangement as to how they are going to handle household expenses.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Benefits
Original poster
MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 19:23

Acheybreakyhead · 29/04/2023 19:21

Which circles us back to my earlier comment that this man is financially abusive

Show quote history

In that case, maybe you could try to be more supportive instead?
Because I’ve very much felt under attack and like I wasn’t doing anything right from reading your posts

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 29/04/2023 19:24

If you have needs related to your disability then they are the priority. That's what pip is for. Additional costs that you incur as a result of your disability.
Aids and adaptations are pretty bloody high on that list.

Says a lot about your husband that he doesn't want you to have things that will make your life easier tbh. Doesn't he care?

MamaLazerou · 29/04/2023 19:24

Ah ok context was important I understand the hoist situation now. I have heard the Motability scheme is not as accommodating as it once was either. There are several charities that might consider supporting you with a hoist for the car… did the OT have any suggestions as they are generally aware of what’s available locally as well as further afield/ condition specific….

Acheybreakyhead · 29/04/2023 19:25

Take what you will from them. You are able to be more independent than you realise you are, there is support out there to live your own life in the manner you wish to as an independent individual, even with disabilities.

Original poster
MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 19:25

Acheybreakyhead · 29/04/2023 19:22

The help is out there. OP does not have to stay with this man.

Still my fault for not being good enough then.

This time for not being good enough at leaving.

Big yawn

OP posts:
Acheybreakyhead · 29/04/2023 19:26

MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 19:25

Still my fault for not being good enough then.

This time for not being good enough at leaving.

Big yawn

Show quote history

Did I say that?

Robinni · 29/04/2023 19:32

Absolutely your money. I wouldn’t have even told him about it. Very selfish of him wanting ownership of money you’re getting due to disability.

AndTheSurveySays · 29/04/2023 19:36

I wouldn't put it in the pot in your circumstance. You should use the money exactly as YOU see fit to improve your life, your husband has no claim to it.

MsGrumpytrousers · 29/04/2023 19:40

I think you should keep the money and use it for what you need. Could you be disingenuous about it? "Oh no, they wouldn't be happy if I spent it on that..."

Ffsmakeitstop · 29/04/2023 19:45

The money should obviously be used to make ops life better not help decorate the house because to be brutally honest if op wasn't disabled there wouldn't be any money and yes op your DH is financially abusive and an arsehole.

DeflatedAgain · 29/04/2023 19:46

MichelleScarn · 29/04/2023 17:47

Would you think it fair if your Dh now said, 'OK, if your income is yours, mine is now mine, how will we split bills?'

This.

Twiglets1 · 29/04/2023 19:47

MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 17:25

I am disabled and receive ESA (so that’s my ‘income’)

Ive just been awarded PIP and have received backdated money. It’s quite a bit of money (for me). About the equivalent of 1 month of DH monthly wage.

dh wants to treat that money as ‘put it in the common pot’.
im thinking this is money to improve my quality of life, xtra cost due to my disability etc… Not to go and buy groceries or do some decorating.
ESA goes in the common pot.

What do you all think?

Depends if your husband shares money which is technically “his” or whether you have a joint account.
We have a joint account and any money either of us gets goes in that account

HarrietStyles · 29/04/2023 19:47

In our household everything goes into the family pot. Any big expenses are agreed on between the two of us.
If you want to keep it seperately for yourself, remember that if DH gets a bonus in the future, or wins money on a scratch card etc then he would be well within his rights to keep that or himself and not put it into the family pot.

vipersnest1 · 29/04/2023 19:48

I don't get the people on this thread who think that a disability benefit is not for the person with the disability's use.
YANBU @MoneyMine - it's intended to allow you to do things you want or need to do, and therefore your quality of life.
You need to stand firm on this - you already bring money into the household for the family pot.

Roundandnour · 29/04/2023 19:48

i put some of my PIP into the general pot as I know I use more utilities and spend more on the shopping bill.

The rest stays in my account for specific costs related to my needs. Whatever is left at the end of the year either goes directly into savings, things that need doing/replacing (carpets, big electrical items etc) or a combo of both.

BluebellBlueballs · 29/04/2023 19:50

It really depends on your relationship.

In my family we have semi separate finances with a small family pot for bills, kids stuff, food mortgage. So it would be mine.

Other relationships are more communal with money.
It's really not a yes or no question.

KvotheTheBloodless · 29/04/2023 19:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2023 18:40

DH is still grumpy I got an EWC because he didn’t think it was ‘needed’.

You say he's not controlling but essentially thinking it's OK for your partner's exit from the home should be entirely under your control when there is an alternative, IS controlling. Really very controlling.

This. He sounds very selfish and uncaring at best, and horrible and controlling at worst.

Hankunamatata · 29/04/2023 19:50

Why on earth wouldn't he want you to have an electric wheelchair and other aids so you can be independent?
Sadly disabled people are the most vulnerable to abuse.

Tilliemolly · 29/04/2023 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lemondrizzlerain · 29/04/2023 19:55

Is your DH trying to help you feel better & brighter (mentally) by making your home a nicer place to be?

You sound quite low and bleak. Maybe he's trying to make your home a better place.

Its a well known fact that people feel better if they're surroundings are better.

If not, then he just sounds like an arse!

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 19:55

OP, absolutely that money should be to help improve your quality of life.

I think you should call Womens aid for a chat.

You are so vulnerable and they will hopefully point you innthe direction of support.

Stemmingthetide · 29/04/2023 19:56

@MoneyMine i can’t believe some of the responses you have had.

My suggestion, draw up a list of equipment and specific help e.g. taxi’s, carer’s etc. you need day to day. Prioritise them and then cost each one either as a one off (hoist) or ongoing.

Use the lump sum arrears to buy a one off item e.g. hoist. If there is anything left consider splitting in 2 - 50% into a savings acct for future big one off purchases and, if you feel it is reasonable, 50% into family savings. This could be used for joint expenditure you both benefit from.

Work out the monthly amount for ongoing day to day help and each month put that aside along with a % into the savings for one off items. If there is anything left and you feel it is reasonable it could go in the family pot/savings e.g. new carpet.

Your DH should not be using your PIP for himself but you contributing more to the family pot should mean he keeps slightly more of his income for personal spends.