Is that money ‘mine’?

[MoneyMine]

I am disabled and receive ESA (so that’s my ‘income’)

Ive just been awarded PIP and have received backdated money. It’s quite a bit of money (for me). About the equivalent of 1 month of DH monthly wage.

dh wants to treat that money as ‘put it in the common pot’.
im thinking this is money to improve my quality of life, xtra cost due to my disability etc… Not to go and buy groceries or do some decorating.
ESA goes in the common pot.

What do you all think?

yes, and nowhere in the OPs posts did she say that her DH has ever said that. What she said was that without an electric wheelchair she is housebound and reliant on him to push a manual wheelchair because she can’t - not that she doesn’t go anywhere.

@Rosscameasdoody absolutely. He did say she didn’t need an electric wheel chair though 😒

You’re getting angry at a stranger about another strangers problem on the internet.

@pam290358 thank you for your very thoughtful post!

I fully agree with the fact that being newly disabled is traumatic and it will take time to adjust to my new limitations (me and DH!).
On the other side, it’s not a new condition but one that got worse. I’ve been unwell more or less since dc2 birth, 15 years ago! Before that, I would have labelled myself as ‘not in good health’ but not disabled if that makes sense. (And yes i also probably hid my struggles and limitations a lot, both to myself and to DH. It’s hard to accept you can’t do basic stuff anymore!). I would have thought he had learnt that if I’m saying ‘I can’t do X anymore and I need Y’ then I REALLY meant that.

As I said before, I wouldn’t label DH as abusive. He is a lot of things, some good, some infuriating, sometimes thoughtless and head in the sand. As usual there are other stuff going on too.
This thread made me realise he really hasn’t caught on how bad I am. For whatever reasons, it has also highlighted we need to make other adjustments - to the house this time so I can be more independent eg for cooking.
And I need much better boundaries + assertiveness.
If I was to leave (and it is a possibility), it would be for many other reasons tbh. But in my own time

I have to say, I’m also 😵‍💫😵‍💫 at the idea that the only way you can support your partner is financially. So somehow I should be deeply grateful of DH support now and put everything in the pot, even if it’s detrimental to me and my health. Because you know, my financial input is less than his. And it’s unfair etc….

The fact I have supported him for many many years, much longer than he has supported me financially, seems to be lost. I mean that’s the point of a partnership right? I have his back, he has my back and we support each other?

As some people seem keen on keeping tabs, why not also look at how much support I’ve given him over the years too?
Like when he was away 6 months of the year. He wouldn’t have moved with his career in the same way if I hadn’t supported his CHOICES then. That lasted nearly 10 years, from the time dc1 was born….

Because knowing she’d be relying on benefits and that her husband isn’t likely to suddenly care and offer anything more than can be forced out of him (given he’s not exactly being great about how money is spent now) staying in a house it’s unlikely you could afford over rent being paid for you makes no sense.

I’d assume she was taking the D.C. with her tbh and then the actual split of the house other assets etc would be sorted later.

or maybe I could stay in the house where we currently live?
you have no idea of our financial situation…..

I love the fact that it’s obvious that I will take dc with me.

im not sure you realise how poorly some people are. You realise that in some cases, children of separated parents end caring for them? Or that, at the very least, they end up with responsibilities that children their age normally don’t have. I know dc would have to step their game A LOT on cooking and cleaning if I was to separate.

Many posters have no idea of the constrains linked with being ill.

How does OP already bring money into the family.pot? Do you realise ESA is about £85 per week. That's not much to be contributing. Sounds like OP is using some of her PIP for her electric wheelchair. That would only be leaving about £35 per week PIP to go into the pot. I'm not suggesting OP should not have EW just to consider how little she puts into family finances.

Honestly - my assumptions were made based on how your husband was sounding.

Obviously, I don’t know him and I could be way off and I’m being really harsh on him, in which case, sorry.

But yep I was assuming he’d be awkward about finances, unwilling to be the default parent and you’d be quicker and easier renting.

So it was my misandry at work, not that I wasn’t factoring in disability.

I mean maybe he’s a really supportive husband and father who just really really likes carpets... but yeah, he so far sounds like the kind of man who when he’s left tries to get out of any sort of responsibilities because they weren’t really a priority while they were together anyway.

like I said, sorry if I’m being harsh, you’d know better than me, but that was my thought process.

Wow lots of posts..

@MoneyMine Ok so the reason I took it for granted that you would leave the family home is that, unless you already have things legally drawn up that you own more of the property than DH (contributed more of your salary than him pre-disablement/contributed substantial amount through inheritance) and have it paid off it’s unlikely you would end up walking away with the property to yourself in the event of divorce.

On top of this, while you have at least two children, the oldest two are practically adult (perhaps the eldest is already an adult?) so you can’t really argue having to provide a home for children when they’ll be getting their own income soon. Nor will DH be giving maintenance for a prolonged period.

You could argue that you are disabled and therefore need the house and stand a good chance at getting it that way. However, realistically speaking in your present circumstances it doesn’t look likely that you’d be able to afford the maintenance of a family home. Unless of course DH pays you whopping maintenance… with wheelchair gate and carpet gate he doesn’t strike me as the sort of man to finance you beyond divorce; he is already reluctant to do so when you’re married!!

Sorry that is long winded, but that is why people are thinking you would leave. If no prospect of keeping the house or being able to afford its costs on your own why on earth would you prolong the inevitable.

If you leave and are in rented accommodation it puts the onus on him that he has to put it on the market so that you have funds to purchase your own property. It’s quicker.

I think if you do decide to leave him you need a reality check that your lifestyle would need to change quite dramatically in terms of accommodation.

Also your kids at their age should already be massively stepping up to do cooking and cleaning. Not just to help you - which is essential, but to prepare them for adult life.

Haha... seriously?

'Not the Ritz' would be just fine.

How about 'can't actually get to the bathroom' or 'have to crawl up and down the step to get in/out' or 'have to dismantle wheelchair to get it in' ... or 'can't fit through the internal doorways'.

The reality throughout the UK is this:

There is next to no accessible emergency SH for disabled people.
There is next to no accessible SH for disabled people at all.
There are next to no accessible private rental properties for disabled people.

Those that exist have typically been adapted or even built for the people currently living in them.

Disabled people are at HUGE risk in abusive relationships as you won't find refuge shelters that are accessible, you can't just pop out and rent something, and even where the local authority have an obligation and duty of care, they cannot provide what does not exist.

There simply isn't provision for us, at all - its not a matter of wanting all the fancy latest adaptations that are the icing on the cake. It's 'this housing will mean I have to use nappies, crawl on the floor, can't leave/enter on my own/am stuck in the property if there is a fire' level stuff.

I am sure you think I am over exaggerating this for drama. I really am not!

@AppallinglyReheated I have disability, my DC has disability, I’ve cared for 6 family members through disability/old age; 3 of them were wheelchair bound. Also have disabled friends.

The system is not easy to say the least, but it is neither insurmountable as you describe, provided you or carer are capable of coping with paperwork and are tenacious enough to get what you want/need.

In the circumstance where, as you rightly point out, social housing available is inadequate (ie several weeks/months would pass before all adaptations carried out) I’ve seen some turn to the private sector and/or use their own private funds (PIP/other savings) to have work carried out.

All in all when we had to organise stairlifts, downstairs loos, rails etc etc it took about 6-12wks. But we were prepared there would be greater costs years in advance so budgeted - as everyone has advised OP to do, save the PIP if any left over so you are covered for the future.

@Robinni I am specifically talking about leaving a relationship/leaving an abusive relationship.

A few weeks/months is laughable even in normal circumstances, its never that fast, reliably, for all, across the entire of the UK.

For an emergency situation, it simply isn't provided for. Even finding a private rental that is accessible is nigh on impossible, and thats assuming you can afford it, it's where you want to live, and you get it over the numerous other applicants.

6 to 12 weeks for adaptations? Maybe for a handrail or a support mattress - I am now into year SIX of attempting to sort DFG for a kitchen and bathroom. This latest round was started in February, and I am still awaiting contractors to come and quote to put in the application... so we're a fuck of a long way off anything being built.

The previous attempt ground to a halt last September when someone in the chain left the job and my case was just dropped. The previous attempt went the same way. I am absolutely not the only one, priority seems to go to children, and to the very elderly as it looks awful if they die before the adaptations are done (And they often still do!).

All fine and well if you're in a position to 'just save the PIP' and budget but how many do you think can actually do that? Maybe its my own fault I should have realised in my teens that at 43 I would need an accessible bathroom, kitchen etc. I could have made my millions then and bought a bungalow instead of a pokey mid-terrace.

This was a very accurate account of life as a chronically disabled person. I'm extremely lucky to have great support from my DH, DC, family and friends.
@MoneyMine I'm sorry your husband is, at best, an ignorant twat and at worst a controlling, abusive cunt. Please try and maintain some autonomy with YOUR pip money. It is to make your life easier. Good luck 💚💙🩵💜💛🩷🧡❤️

@AppallinglyReheated I'm really am truly sorry that you are going through the situation that you are, it does sound appalling.

I would agree that disabled children and elderly do tend to be prioritised due to increased vulnerability. And I'm sorry that this may have impacted you.

To relate more on what I have directly or indirectly experienced; had three friends leave abusive relationships; one went to a refuge (that does have disabled facilities), another went to a friend and then onto private rental, final one emergency accommodation (which in my opinion could have been for disabled - ground floor, big bathroom, open plan).

With regard to what we got for various relatives wheelchair bound - installation of ramps, hand rails, wheelchairs, beds downstairs, commode etc all pretty quick.

In one house there already was a downstairs toilet and person refused stairlift so spent the remaining time having bed baths.

In the other two initially they still wanted to sleep upstairs, so we had to get stairlifts and downstairs loos put in because even with the lift they couldn't make it upstairs in time.

We didn't adapt the kitchens because none of them were remotely well enough to be cooking and low appetite etc.

In one case they had the money saved and took it from pension. In the other they had to take out a loan.

From the beginning of enquiries until we got it done it was 6-12wks.

The majority of people with disability have not been disabled for their entire lives so there would be some facility to have some savings. For others, disabled from birth, their needs can be gauged ahead of time.

Genuinely, I'm so sorry for the situation you are in, but I don't think it is the reality for all.

If this has been going on for six years, would you not consider selling your house and trying to buy somewhere more suitable? Please forgive me for being naive with that question, but a terrace for any of my relations with wheelchairs would have been disastrous.

No, I’m angry at the lack of understanding of how disabled people live. A lot of people are commenting as though she’s not contributing anything to the household, and nothing could be further from the truth. Her PIP has only been awarded for a short period of time and she may not get he same award next time, so money needs to be ring fenced for her future needs.

Would you say similar about a SAHM?

The OP has worked and paid NI, and will be claiming the non means tested contributory rate, and if she is in the support group as severely disabled, ESA is actually around £500 every four weeks. And the higher rate of PIP mobility and care components combined is just shy of £180 a week, so you’re way off on her contributions. She has a motability car, and it sounds like that’s used as a family car - which she’s financing to the tune of £71 a week. What she has left is care component of PIP which is £401 every four weeks at the higher rate. She’s not suggesting that none of this should go into the family pot, the issue is the backpay she’s been awarded, which she needs for a wheelchair hoist for the car. I’m astounded that so many people think she shouldn’t have what she needs, when she’s already said that her DH is a higher rate tax payer and they can live on just his wage. It’s not a question of how much she brings in, it’s a case of prioritising her needs.

Of course not, MN double standards are alive and well, as evidenced by this thread.

If severely disabled it's unlikely the PIP award would be reduced unless her condition improves. I mean sometimes odd decisions are made sometimes but not in the majority of cases ( in my experience of 5 years in benefits advice).

This. All day long. And where did the OP say she was trapped ? She’s stated several times that she doesn’t think he’s abusive - he’s selfish and the implications of her condition haven’t fully dawned on him yet, and yes, he needs to step up, but why are so many people ignoring that and advocating LTB without fully understanding the situation from the perspective of how the onset of disability affects both partners. Not to mention that substantial disability brings care needs, so you can’t just up and leave - as you so eloquently put.

Similar benefit experience here, but in my experience awards such as the OP’s are more likely to change - short term awards, at the higher rates, and based on the likelihood of a change in condition in the short term.

I am sorry you are learning that lesson about your marriage. I feel your plan is a wise one. You NEED to have some things that will make your life easier, less painful and happier. The fact that you have to even explain yourself to people who think buying a hoist is a "treat", as if it's a pair of Jimmy Choos, is frankly disturbing. As for the fact that your NVDH actually begrudges you an EW is just mind-boggling. Do what you need to do for YOU, others can go pound salt.

I think it goes to show how experiences differ so wildly across the country really.

Theres also a shocking attitude toward maintaining independence for disabled people... it simply isn't a thought. I have had people draw up plans for my house and just bin off the workspace I need to WFH- despite knowing that I am the sole earner (if you discount DP's carers allowance) - and when I raised this 'well that isn't our concern'... They would happily see someone who can and does work, relegated to sitting in a chair staring at a TV all day on out of work benefits!

Disability also covers so many needs and possiblities - some folk just need an accessible building, others like me need personal care throughout the day, a PA to fetch and bring, to enable work, etc etc.

Doesn't help that my MP has a long track record of voting hard against anything that would help the disabled, I suspect provision in my area would be considerably better if she fell off a fucking cliff!