Is that money ‘mine’?

[MoneyMine]

I am disabled and receive ESA (so that’s my ‘income’)

Ive just been awarded PIP and have received backdated money. It’s quite a bit of money (for me). About the equivalent of 1 month of DH monthly wage.

dh wants to treat that money as ‘put it in the common pot’.
im thinking this is money to improve my quality of life, xtra cost due to my disability etc… Not to go and buy groceries or do some decorating.
ESA goes in the common pot.

What do you all think?

Apologies @Desperatelyseekingcommonsense @MoneyMine for not realising comments were quotes! Quotation marks/emboldenment clearly matter 🙈

@MoneyMine Point stands that the money is yours, do with it what you wish and have a separate savings account for what is left over.

Looking through your posts you did say you wouldn’t have the facility to leave due to your financial situation. I would disagree; if you have personal savings under 6k then you’d have emergency housing and a cash boost of means tested benefits if you left. In the event house was sold etc following divorce settlement the money can be held for up to a year by solicitor (and disregarded by UC) until you manage to buy somewhere for yourself. Just to reassure you, please get confirmation of this from turn2us or similar should you wish to go this route.

That aside, I find on MN that people are far too quick to rush to “abuse, disaster, counselling, divorce”. In marriages people can have disagreements and work through them, there is no marriage without it’s problems.

Do I think you need counselling for this specific issue - no, I think you’ll be able to work through this and assert what you want/need for yourself. Which is clearly not carpet!

Would you need counselling because of your change of circumstances - disability, loss of business/income, change in power dynamic between the two of you, increased pressure on him, loss of independence for you. Absolutely, and probably not couples therapy either.

Technically it is for your disability reasons but I really don't understand why couples want to split money. Me and my DH are both on PIP and both payments get treated as regular income, we put away a bit each month from it in a joint account and the rest is added together to cover bills, shopping, and anything else the house and family needs. When we got married we took our vows to mean that "What's mine is now yours and vice versa" we share everything. I like a flutter on online casinos my husband can't stand it but if I win I use those funds as a family. It's just how it's done. I really don't understand those who don't do that. Especially if there's kids involved. You married to become one unit, one family and stick together. Fair enough of your both not married and just living together without kids etc. But as a married person I'd think it perfectly normal that my income is my husband's and vice versa.

You’re suggesting that the OP needs counselling because her husband wants to spend her PIP back pay on carpets instead of the wheelchair hoist she needs ? Seriously ? And the OP couldn’t go anywhere without an electric wheelchair - she relied on DH to take her out, so that argument doesn’t stand up. Sounds to me as though he liked it that way. She’s not the one who needs counselling here. And it’s escaped the attention of most posters that the family car is via motability. Paid for by the OP’s monthly mobility allowance - an addition to the’pot’.

@bekstar this is all well and good. If I did this we would have no money! DH is a spender, I am a saver!

Your circumstances are a bit different as both disabled, so perhaps there is more understanding there.

Still of the view that using a partner’s PIP is like trying to share their prescription, or time in hospital - you wouldn’t take the drugs or hospital bed off them… so why try and prevent them from having other resources they need… to buy carpet.

@Robinni Unfortunately, emergency housing in these times could very well mean a hotel or B&B with no suitability for a disabled person. She most certainly will not be provided with an emergency adapted flat.

You and DH should just stop sharing money. You want yours so you should have it. He should then keep his.

Can’t really be a what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is ours situation.

@Mirabai did not say it would be the Ritz and very much depends on where you are and what the demand for emergency housing is.

Very likely if OP had savings of about 5k, she could probably go straight to private rental and skip the emergency housing, citing that that she was made homeless due to abusive husband.

(have had friends do both - one left and had to go emergency - got long-standing social housing tenancy after this, then bought post divorce - the other stayed in situ, registered as homeless/having to stay in abusive situation/vulnerable etc to go on housing list and then claimed housing benefit for private rental, then bought post divorce)

Just saying this “I’m trapped” thing is not true. Unless she is wanting to remain living in the lifestyle she has become accustomed to due to his high earner status. In which case the only way to keep that up is to stay with him.

Yes, they’re two different things. Carers Assessment is via the local authority, can be carried out once a year and is for the well being of the carer. It’s not means tested and up to £150 a year can be claimed to put towards the carers’ needs. Carers Allowance is a benefit paid by DWP around £300 a month. You have to be caring for the person for at least 35 hours a week, not earning more than £139 a week (private pensions don’t count) and the person you care for has to be claiming care element of child DLA/PIP/AA.

Have you actually read the thread ?

In that case, she should stop contributing her £500 monthly ESA and he should buy his own car because the one they have is a lease from motability, paid for by the OP’s PIP mobility. It’s not about ‘mine and yours’ it’s about him getting his priorities right and making sure his newly disabled wife’s life is made as easy as possible. Instead of which he’s behaving like a first class resentful twat because she has needs that trump buying carpets !! Tit for tat will put the marriage in the toilet - that’s what you’re encouraging.

Exactly and very little extra in the way of benefits above what op is already getting either.

Disagree. Person I know - not disabled - works part time 20hrs per wk. Still got about 7.5k UC + housing covered when left DH (has child though).

OP can use turn2us calculator to input details of her personal circumstances to assess various scenarios if she so wishes.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

FYI marriage is about the worst possible thing in financial terms that can happen to a disabled person.

Separately money is so much more because DH income is not taken into account.

Gov expects the earner will contribute to the living costs of disabled spouse, from what I’ve seen largely they don’t.

Far better to never cohabit if disabled and unable to work. Unless partner is earning 50k+ and happy to sacrifice their personal wage to provide support.

The issue is how tax and benefits work.
Tax is based on individual earnings. Where you have a disabled person who can’t work and a high earner , their overall income could be less than the comb8ned income of 2 individuals just below upper rate tax band. But they’ll be,as a household worse off by 12k due to not being able to transfer personal allowance. I’m not saying whether that is right or worng.
but, when it comes to benefits, you have a disabled person not working and then their partner who they cohabit (don’t even need to be married) and almost all their benefits are means Estes on household income .

when did that constitute fairness? Tax being individually assessed but benefits by household. It creates real traps for working

Fwiw I’ve never said ‘I’m trapped’

I said I couldn’t deal with everything at once. I couldn’t deal with DWP to sort out benefits (time consuming, tiring and stressful) whilst also trying to deal with whatever isn’t right in my marriage (incl possibly leaving). Too much stress and effort that I could cope with.

NOW that benefits are sorted, yes this is something to consider, not the least because I have some money coming in for the next 2.5 years.

But expecting me to do it all, all in one go isn’t and wasn’t realistic.

Im finding it really interesting though that the assumption is that I leave and rent but DH keeps the house…
And that no one thought about our children either….

And btw living on my own, I’d get about £100 more than what I am getting just now.
With a reminder that with PIP, nothing is ever set in stone and there will always be the risk that I loose that money in 3 years time.

“Im finding it really interesting though that the assumption is that I leave and rent but DH keeps the house… “

To be fair, that’s because benefits will pay rent and not a mortgage and a man being difficult about finances while you’re together isn’t suddenly going to be better if you split up... he’s likely to be worse.

Yes because it makes a big difference if you have a child and work part time because you benefit hugely from the work allowance and taper rates. For someone disabled and unable to work they would just get standard allowance and then if deemed not fir for work after assessment, and extra £390. In op's case her ESA would be deducted form that as well so barely anything.

When you say benefits would be means tested on household income, this is in cases where the disabled person hasn’t previously worked and hasn’t enough NI contributions for contribution based ESA. Where they have worked, as in the op’s case, contribution based ESA is in payment, and is not means tested.

Put it in the family pot, he has been supporting u whilst u waited for the money.

I’m severely disabled and was happily married for 40 years. I understand your point, but lots of disabled people work and are financially independent.

No he hasn’t. The OP contributes £500 a month sickness benefit (ESA) and finances the family car on the motability scheme. She’s recently disabled and her DH needs to stop sulking and step up.

You completely missed this poster point. She didn’t say the OP didn’t need the wheelchair, she was making a point of what was being said in the marriage and how it poisons a relationship!

There’s a lot of assumption about your circumstances OP, and a lack of regard for the fact that you appear to be substantially disabled, which, as you so rightly say, limits your options as to how much you can do at any one time.

I’ve been confined to a wheelchair since birth so I’m speaking from the perspective of someone who understands disability, and having read the whole thread I’ve had a good think. For what it’s worth I think the people jumping to conclusions that your DH is abusive, is typical of MN, as is the urging to leave him from some posters. And I agree, it’s fairly insulting that the assumption is you would move out and rent somewhere while your DH keeps the house - especially when you read thread after thread on MN urging others to make sure they take legal advice and get what they’re entitled to. Why should your disability mean you wouldn’t be entitled to do the same ? And yes, the fact that you have children seems to have been overlooked - if you have custody, why should you be the one to leave, and why, in the detailed financial examination by some posters, has his contribution towards his children not been considered, or mentioned ?

You don’t say how long ago you became disabled, except that it was since your marriage. If it’s fairly recently, could it be that your DH is having difficulty coming to terms with the changes disability brings ? There’s been a lot of criticism of him, from myself included, because the knee jerk reaction is that it should be obvious that your needs come first, and that he’s being very selfish in not considering you more. There’s also the possibility that he sees you as he always has, so the needs you have now haven’t registered fully, because he sees you, and not the disability, and is carrying on ‘as normal’ so to speak.

But he needs to understand and accept that you now have extra needs that need to be financed from time to time, and that this is what PIP is for. You may not always be in the same financial position as you are now, and you made the point in a subsequent post, that your PIP award is only for a couple of years, and may change at the next assessment. With that in mind, I think you have the right idea in thinking that it should be separate from the ‘pot’ and left to build up to cope with your future needs, should you require them.

Being newly disabled is traumatic. It brings about major change, affecting you both. So I think you need to sit down together and be honest with each other about all of these issues, and how you see your future together. It may be difficult but it’s the starting point to sort all of this out. I hope you can find a way forward.

They have children. Why would she be the one to leave ?