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Original poster

Is that money ‘mine’?

380 replies

MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 17:25

I am disabled and receive ESA (so that’s my ‘income’)

Ive just been awarded PIP and have received backdated money. It’s quite a bit of money (for me). About the equivalent of 1 month of DH monthly wage.

dh wants to treat that money as ‘put it in the common pot’.
im thinking this is money to improve my quality of life, xtra cost due to my disability etc… Not to go and buy groceries or do some decorating.
ESA goes in the common pot.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
shatteredmama · 30/04/2023 20:40

OP, just reread your first post and saw that the backdated amount equates to a month of his wage. In that case, yes, that money should most definitely be just yours.

He can earn that in a month whereas sadly you can’t right now. He can also keep his ideas to himself IMO

sumayyah · 30/04/2023 20:46

Both my children are on DLA or pip due to their ages
First thing I do when their money comes in is get the items they need for the month due to their disability. One has a chair and is incontinent, the other needs items relating to mobility and problems communicating.
Only once those needs have been met, I add to family pot to cover transport costs for schooling, appointments, taking them to places that help relax them etc and the extra heating/electricity
While I'm sure it would be lovely for you husband to feel like the pot of money suddenly means he can get what he wants your needs have to come out first and if you need a hoist for the car to help get it in and out without either of you being injured then that's what you should do. My child's is a manual chair and it's still flipping heavy so an electric chair has to be even harder to lift

And it's not up to your husband weather or not he feels you need it, you have the right to go out when you wish not just when he's available to push you

Daffodilsandtuplips · 30/04/2023 21:00

Winnipeg23 · 30/04/2023 18:27

What's his is yours but what's yours is yours. He could find that unjust out of principle. Definitely offer it to the pot. If he wants you to treat yourself let him offer that but don't do it expecting it. If you keep it, it sends a message to him...and it's not a good one.

The money isn’t to ‘treat’ herself, it’s to make her life easier. It’s not up to her husband to decide what that is. It could be to pay for extra heating, comfortable clothing, kitchen aids, the hoist.
PIP. Personal, To her.
Independent, to give her some autonomy over her life.
Payment, funds to facilitate the above.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Benefits
Rosscameasdoody · 30/04/2023 21:02

Winnipeg23 · 30/04/2023 18:27

What's his is yours but what's yours is yours. He could find that unjust out of principle. Definitely offer it to the pot. If he wants you to treat yourself let him offer that but don't do it expecting it. If you keep it, it sends a message to him...and it's not a good one.

Comprehensively missing the point. PIP is meant to be put towards things the OP needs to cope with her disability. His needs don’t come into it. How have you arrived at the conclusion that these things are ‘treats’ ?

Rosscameasdoody · 30/04/2023 21:10

Whiteroomjoy · 30/04/2023 19:00

Op, also make sure that your DH uses his status as a carer properly. For instance he can get free admission to certain things as your carer to support you. There are other things too that help grease the wheels just a little as well as, as I said in previous response, carer allowance. Make sure he looks on line and makes use of everything you can as a reconginsed “carer”.
I worked long hours in paid employment, but it didn’t stop me being a carer as per government definitions for benefits and support. The definition reconginise that once back home he’ll be doing stuff to support you if needed 24/7.

He’s a higher tax payer, so won’t qualify for carers allowance.

Whiteroomjoy · 30/04/2023 21:21

Rosscameasdoody · 30/04/2023 21:10

He’s a higher tax payer, so won’t qualify for carers allowance.

Show quote history

Hmm, ok, that’s got me thinking, as was back in 2009. I think it was a local government discretion grant thingy now I think about it , it was a one or two off sum..I definitely got it after applying and was higher tax payer. It was of order of £1000 I think, enough to last a while.

Whiteroomjoy · 30/04/2023 21:32

Whiteroomjoy · 30/04/2023 21:21

Hmm, ok, that’s got me thinking, as was back in 2009. I think it was a local government discretion grant thingy now I think about it , it was a one or two off sum..I definitely got it after applying and was higher tax payer. It was of order of £1000 I think, enough to last a while.

Show quote history

Ah ha, found it. I was encouraged to do a carers assessment by social services. This then identified some needs for my own well being. That resulted in grants from local authorities which aren’t means tested.
I was supporting my family of 5 on my only wage, so no money for “ me “ things other than essentials. Most spare money went on husbands needs and then kids. We didn’t,for instance, have money for holidays even though I was just higher tax band
I only got it for a very short time immediately following his diagnosis.
but it did feel like something positive to me ensure I did things to keep me mentally well as I was under huge stress at time

so, Op, make sure your DH has a carers assessment to identify any specific needs he has .

Babyroobs · 30/04/2023 21:34

Whiteroomjoy · 30/04/2023 21:33

Carers grant is about £250 one off grant in our area.

Whiteroomjoy · 30/04/2023 21:35

Babyroobs · 30/04/2023 21:34

Carers grant is about £250 one off grant in our area.

Show quote history

Ok, it was back in 2009 🤷🏼‍♀️definitely I got more than that as paid for bike and therapy

iusedtobeasize8 · 30/04/2023 22:15

Whiteroomjoy · 30/04/2023 18:34

agh…this is NOT what it is designed for .
whether it goes in a pot or not, it is to be used for the additional costs of eing disabled. That does mean, you’re right, it could be used for anything , but for HER not him, and is awarded as help with additional stuff that if she was not disabled she wouldn’t need to spend
whilst it could be used for, say, heating bills, her ESA income should be paying their normal bills on that..the PIP would be for say her having to work form home or needing higher temperature that incurs higher costs than average fuel bills.
whoalt she could buy food- that would be special diet food needed for her disability if that was the case
it is NOT paid for general household income and contributing to normal bills. It is specifically aimed at the extra costs she, personally, incurs form being disabled.

Show quote history

Get off your fucking high horse. Some people genuinely have to use their PIP for living expenses. Full stop. My son is one of them.

Babyroobs · 30/04/2023 22:19

iusedtobeasize8 · 30/04/2023 22:15

Get off your fucking high horse. Some people genuinely have to use their PIP for living expenses. Full stop. My son is one of them.

Show quote history

I think most people do to be honest. I have clients who are using PIP to pay the rent because their UC or housing benefit doesn't cover it in full, and pay for food and heating. Like I said previously, from my experience most people just put it all in the pot and it's still not enough unless on highest rates and then sometimes still not enough to cover the extra costs of disability.

Chatterbuginabox · 30/04/2023 22:38

My son has just been awarded dla, i also received a backdated payment.

i have not put all of this money into the household pot as i need it to buy things that only he needs linked with his disability.

the amount that goes into the common pot is expenses I incur due to his disability (nappies, heating over and above what we need as a family, specific specialist foods)

so following this theory then yes, some should go in the family pot, but also some should be earmarked for specific items
for your disability

Flopsythebunny · 30/04/2023 23:28

Winnipeg23 · 30/04/2023 18:27

What's his is yours but what's yours is yours. He could find that unjust out of principle. Definitely offer it to the pot. If he wants you to treat yourself let him offer that but don't do it expecting it. If you keep it, it sends a message to him...and it's not a good one.

Buying a house is not a fucking treat!

Flopsythebunny · 30/04/2023 23:29

Hoist

Whiteroomjoy · 30/04/2023 23:49

iusedtobeasize8 · 30/04/2023 22:15

Get off your fucking high horse. Some people genuinely have to use their PIP for living expenses. Full stop. My son is one of them.

Show quote history

I know some people have to. But that is because benefits are shit and cost of living is shit and conservatives are shit.
BUT, it was not designed to meet everyday normal living expenses, horses being high or not.
and in OPs case she is not, luckily in situation like your son. Her DH wants to use her hoistmoney for frigging carpets fgs and whinges about an electric wheelchair. Fuck that for a mugs game

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2023 23:51

@Winnipeg23 are you on the right thread? Let him offer to let her treat herself to a hoist with the money she was given to make her disability easier? It's not a lollipop for a 4 yo who found a coin on the floor ffs

RachaelN · 01/05/2023 08:09

This is why we have a joint account. Everything goes in the same pot. But I understand why alot if people don't do this.

Desperatelyseekingcommonsense · 01/05/2023 08:37

@MoneyMine you bought an electric wheelchair so surely thats an additional cost relating to your disability? Did that come from the communal pot?

Im sorry for your circumstances and I know you’ve felt attacked on this thread and that wasn’t my intention just trying to show the other persons point of view.

There’s a level of mutual resentment that really kills a marriage. I’m not paying for heating as I wear an oodie. You don’t go anywhere anyway so an electric wheelchair is a waste. It’s pretty awful for everyone.

Id consider whether this relationship has anywhere positive to go and if it does investing in some counselling for you both.

Original poster
MoneyMine · 01/05/2023 08:59

Some people are getting angry….

Can I just reiterate that I KNOW some people have no other choice but to use PIP money for everyday things like heating and food. And then it’s obvious that is what should happen.
But this is NOT our case. DH earns well. We can live on his wage only and the ESA goes in the common pot too.

i was also talking about the backdated payment. I hadn’t even started to think about the money I’ll get every 4 weeks. And after this thread, I’ll be in no rush to put it in the common pot. It will be 1- use to pay for I need and 2- if there is any left, then I’ll use it for us as a family. Unfortunately, what I’ve learnt is that my marriage is somehow dysfunctional and I need to put boundaries to allow myself some financial freedom/independence.

OP posts:
Givemethereins · 01/05/2023 09:18

Acheybreakyhead · 29/04/2023 19:25

Take what you will from them. You are able to be more independent than you realise you are, there is support out there to live your own life in the manner you wish to as an independent individual, even with disabilities.

I suggest you stop bullying the op. Your judgements on what you feel she can.and cannot.do are so out of line. Leaving your husband is incredibly hard for someone who can just freely walk out of a house. Are you disabled yourself? You need to stop badgering the op about situations you don't have the slightest clue what's the actual situation.

Robinni · 01/05/2023 09:22

Desperatelyseekingcommonsense · 01/05/2023 08:37

@MoneyMine you bought an electric wheelchair so surely thats an additional cost relating to your disability? Did that come from the communal pot?

Im sorry for your circumstances and I know you’ve felt attacked on this thread and that wasn’t my intention just trying to show the other persons point of view.

There’s a level of mutual resentment that really kills a marriage. I’m not paying for heating as I wear an oodie. You don’t go anywhere anyway so an electric wheelchair is a waste. It’s pretty awful for everyone.

Id consider whether this relationship has anywhere positive to go and if it does investing in some counselling for you both.

@Desperatelyseekingcommonsense

What the absolute %#$€||$~?

Complete opposite of your user name - no common sense whatsoever.

You don’t go anywhere anyway so an electric wheelchair is a waste.

What a horror of a thing to say.

PIP IS FOR THE DISABLED PERSON

It is not for everyday living costs - that is what ESA and universal credit etc are for and OP already contributes all of that.

The PIP should be under her control as she is mentally competent and used for things that are needed for her as a disabled person. If there is money left over once her needs - which she has been awarded the money for - are met then, if she chooses, the money can go to something household related. However, very often it is better to hold onto it, as other very costly things can crop up in future.

All this utter bollocks about the relationship not having anywhere positive to go and counselling. Absolutely barmy.

Her husband is being a Grade A DICKHEAD, for attempting to grab money that is a bloody PERSONAL independence payment.

It’s in the damn name of it!!!!

For God’s sake what is wrong with people on this thread.

Original poster
MoneyMine · 01/05/2023 09:30

@Desperatelyseekingcommonsense your first post was just full of assumptions around the idea that a disabled person is just a financial drain on the poor abler partner. Like a lot of other posts unfortunately.
Clearly the fact different disabilities have different impact on the person and therefore on GENERAL cost of living hasn’t crossed your mind. It wasn’t showing ‘the other person pov’, only your own biases.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoneyMine · 01/05/2023 09:32

@Robinni to be fair to @Desperatelyseekingcommonsense , I think she was referring to my dh answer on the EWC to show how we are both getting resentful and we clearly need marriage counselling rather than her thinking it was a waste as such.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 01/05/2023 10:09

iusedtobeasize8 · 30/04/2023 22:15

Get off your fucking high horse. Some people genuinely have to use their PIP for living expenses. Full stop. My son is one of them.

Show quote history

Er, this is not ‘high horse’, the poster is right in what she says. PIP is intended for the extra cost of disability. I get what you’re saying and I agree, but in this instance the OP needs something specific to make her life easier and has a lump sum from PIP back pay to cover it. Her DH wants to spend it on new carpets etc. That’s not essential living expenses, that’s him earmarking the money for stuff he wants, instead of considering her needs and putting them fist. Totally different issue.