Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

MIL advice

143 replies

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 08:59

Just looking for some advice on how to deal with a MIL who is covertly condescending and belittling but whenever you raise it with DH, he says "she doesn't mean it like that".

She lost her husband a few years ago and I try to be understanding of that, but I honestly have had enough of the games trying to usurp DH's attention and trying to paint me out to be the bad guy.

We've decided to move about 3 hours away for work reasons and she's trying to twist that too. I've honestly had enough and don't know how to raise it with DH without it always turning into an argument where he's defending her and making me feel like an awful human being.

OP posts:
Beamur · 25/04/2023 09:02

Move away.
Let your DH handle contact. Be less involved.
Having it out is unlikely to achieve the results you want..

tiredofthisfeeling · 25/04/2023 09:09

The fact he is defending her probably means that's where his loyalties lie.
My dh and I are a team and he is always on my side, his mother didn't approve of our decision to move away and also painted me out as the bad person who was stealing her son, the difference is my dh defended me and has had no contact with her since.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 09:22

Beamur · 25/04/2023 09:02

Move away.
Let your DH handle contact. Be less involved.
Having it out is unlikely to achieve the results you want..

That's true, when I defend myself (because no one else is), I'm the one who is painted as the bad person so it's literally pointless

OP posts:
Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 09:23

@tiredofthisfeeling it's quite clear that his loyalties lie with her and it's tiring. I actually don't know what to do but I suppose if that's how he feels, there's nothing I can do

OP posts:
Seas164 · 25/04/2023 09:28

Let him deal with his Mother. You step back, and instead of engaging in arguments with her be clear with your boundaries with both of them about what you will and won't be doing. Then let them work it out.

You're in a nice little drama triangle at the moment, remove yourself.

Helenahandkart · 25/04/2023 10:18

I was in a similar situation. My mil was awful to me for the first 15 years and dh just said ‘she means well’. Eventually I just said that I wouldn’t see her anymore, and he could explain why. He isn’t happy about it, but he should have done something about it when he had the chance. I see her for a couple of hours about once a year now, and always have a reason for leaving early. The moment she starts acting up I just leave. It’s been very freeing.

Angiemum24 · 25/04/2023 10:26

Just let your hubby deal with her.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 10:32

@Seas164 if I take a step back, then I'm again painted as being difficult for not wanting to see her, go to hers or have her round. You can't win

OP posts:
Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 10:34

@Helenahandkart my DH is the same. He thinks that she can do no wrong and even when she's CLEARLY wrong, he is so uncomfortable about it and can't really admit it. I have just had enough

OP posts:
Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 10:34

@Angiemum24 the point is that he doesn't deal with her

OP posts:
Angiemum24 · 25/04/2023 11:21

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 10:34

@Angiemum24 the point is that he doesn't deal with her

You need to tell him "look hubby, you know your mum and I have our differences right? Well from now on I'm taking a step back. From now on you will deal with visits (hosting and visits to her house), I will not engage in any arguments, if she tried to start a disagreement with me I will walk away."
You have to just walk away wether they see you as the bad guy or not.
Your hubby will soon realise what she's really like. I'm talking from expended myself (over 20 years worth) Now I call the shots my MIL doesn't cause any drama with me.

Seas164 · 25/04/2023 12:33

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 10:32

@Seas164 if I take a step back, then I'm again painted as being difficult for not wanting to see her, go to hers or have her round. You can't win

Yes, you will, but you need to get to the mindset where her thinking you are difficult is absolutely fine with you.

No you can't "win" but you can get some peace by drawing some healthy boundaries. If you really have had enough then it's time to step away, like an adult, and stop engaging with her nonsense.

You can't change her, you will lose your hair trying, and you can't change the dynamic that exists between her and your DH, but you absolutely can decide that you're no longer available to take part in the drama and you will be either not in when she calls, or leaving the house as soon as she starts to comment on your new hair, or your parenting skills, or your career or whatever it is that you feel is inappropriate.

She will get the message and so will your husband, from your clear and consistent actions and you will get more peace.

OriginalUsername2 · 25/04/2023 12:35

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 10:32

@Seas164 if I take a step back, then I'm again painted as being difficult for not wanting to see her, go to hers or have her round. You can't win

Be okay with this. MIL is difficult, you can be difficult.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 12:41

@Angiemum24 thanks - DH will not see her as the bad guy ever. He doesn't think she is wrong and even when she clearly is, he explains it away as her anxiety, or she didn't mean it like that, or she isn't a nasty person. It's tiring

OP posts:
ferneytorro · 25/04/2023 12:42

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 10:32

@Seas164 if I take a step back, then I'm again painted as being difficult for not wanting to see her, go to hers or have her round. You can't win

you can't "win" with horrible people ! Don't set out to win. That is their (husband/MIL ) opinion. Opinions like thoughts are not fact, having an opinion does not make it true.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 12:43

@Seas164 I think I have to accept that the dynamic (unhealthy as it is) between her and DH is unlikely to change. I think the only thing that will help is distance. But even that, DH said he thought it would be nice if once we move, she moves close to us!

OP posts:
Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 12:47

@ferneytorro thank you, I needed to hear that. It's honestly so tiring. The other day she came over and we were talking about Easter. I said traditionally, my family and I have our Easter eggs on the Sunday. She said "well Easter starts on Friday so when you have kids I'll give them their Easter eggs then and they can open them and eat them". I said, well no actually, we won't be doing that and she said she will be and was cackling away. When I raised it with DH, saying that she's unnecessarily being rude and disrespectful PRIOR to the situation even coming into existence, he said, no, she doesn't mean it like that. It's a silly example but something recent and an indication of how she likes to create issues and when you try and push back, she is just condescending and rude. I would just rather see her a few times a year tbh

OP posts:
Sillydoggy · 25/04/2023 12:51

This behaviour will get worse when/if you have children so you need to sort this now. You need to talk to your dh and explain to him how it makes you feel when he doesn't support you. Avoiding her works when you don't have kids but once you do it is much harder.

MrsCarson · 25/04/2023 12:52

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 12:47

@ferneytorro thank you, I needed to hear that. It's honestly so tiring. The other day she came over and we were talking about Easter. I said traditionally, my family and I have our Easter eggs on the Sunday. She said "well Easter starts on Friday so when you have kids I'll give them their Easter eggs then and they can open them and eat them". I said, well no actually, we won't be doing that and she said she will be and was cackling away. When I raised it with DH, saying that she's unnecessarily being rude and disrespectful PRIOR to the situation even coming into existence, he said, no, she doesn't mean it like that. It's a silly example but something recent and an indication of how she likes to create issues and when you try and push back, she is just condescending and rude. I would just rather see her a few times a year tbh

You played right into her hands with that one. The answer should have been, don't be silly, you've had your chance at parenting, I'll parent my future kids my way.
Or "Don't be daft" for short then stand up and walk away.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 25/04/2023 12:56

I think it's maybe a case of picking your battles. Re the Easter eggs, I'd have just said 'ok' and walked off. Arguing over when to give a child chocolate means you're onto a hiding to nothing. Just let them have them Friday, just not before meals etc. if she was insisting that she take them for a haircut you didn't want, then I'd start to put my foot down and say no.

It sounds like she knows exactly which buttons to press and you're walking straight into it. Sometimes it's easier to just drop the rope. Let your dh deal with it.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 12:58

@Sillydoggy I do explain but because I don't cry, he doesn't think it affects me as much as I clearly explain. Only when and if I cry does he get it. "Oh, I didn't realise it was affecting you that much".

OP posts:
Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 13:00

@MrsCarson an excellent response, however, if I said that, DH would tell me I was being rude and disrespectful to MIL

OP posts:
Hotfootgoose · 25/04/2023 13:01

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 12:47

@ferneytorro thank you, I needed to hear that. It's honestly so tiring. The other day she came over and we were talking about Easter. I said traditionally, my family and I have our Easter eggs on the Sunday. She said "well Easter starts on Friday so when you have kids I'll give them their Easter eggs then and they can open them and eat them". I said, well no actually, we won't be doing that and she said she will be and was cackling away. When I raised it with DH, saying that she's unnecessarily being rude and disrespectful PRIOR to the situation even coming into existence, he said, no, she doesn't mean it like that. It's a silly example but something recent and an indication of how she likes to create issues and when you try and push back, she is just condescending and rude. I would just rather see her a few times a year tbh

You should have laughed and said “ well it won’t be Easter at your house will it!”

Sillydoggy · 25/04/2023 13:02

That is really sad. He shouldn't have to have it explained more than once. Is this the only issue in your relationship he is so uncaring about?

itsmylife7 · 25/04/2023 13:04

If you're getting upset about Easter eggs and children (that don't exist yet ) is there a possibility you're a little sensitive.

He doesn't have an issue with her and never will,so have a real good think about your future together.

Swipe left for the next trending thread