MIL advice

[prinnycessa]

Just looking for some advice on how to deal with a MIL who is covertly condescending and belittling but whenever you raise it with DH, he says "she doesn't mean it like that".

She lost her husband a few years ago and I try to be understanding of that, but I honestly have had enough of the games trying to usurp DH's attention and trying to paint me out to be the bad guy.

We've decided to move about 3 hours away for work reasons and she's trying to twist that too. I've honestly had enough and don't know how to raise it with DH without it always turning into an argument where he's defending her and making me feel like an awful human being.

The benefits of being bitchier and older…my response would have been ‘Guess who won’t be meeting any grandchildren then’.

Does it really matter which day people eat easter eggs on?

So many of have been there. I didn’t take it that DH’s loyalty was with MI L so much as her invidious comments and behaviour being pointed at me, but concealed from everyone else.

I had to make a very concerted effort to let it waft over me. When she said things I disagreed with I’d murmur’mmmm’ none commitally.

Best thing is to pick your battles wisely and never let her get a rise out of you.

From the Easter Eggxample, it looks like she's winding you up and you're falling right into the trap and your husband is watching game of tennis. I'm sure you have loads of other incidents of where she's been really unreasonable, but I'm not sure this is one of them.

So he grew up with easter eggs on a Friday, you grew up with them on a Sunday, there is a new way for your hypothetical new family in future, and it is none of her business, but it is his. Stop engaging with her on these bullshit wind up conversations, and just carry on chopping the cucumber and tell her that you'll work that out with DH when the time comes.

She's got you rattled and she knows it. Disengage.

It matters because MIL is using Easter traditions to say 'once you have children I will not respect your opinions'. It is quite hard to raise children with a grandmother who opposes and undermines every decision you make. I did it with a dh who was on my side and it was still very difficult but without the DH s support I'd say don't do it.

Please don't have children until your husband can be rational about his mother. In all honesty I'd recommend walking away whilst you're relatively string free if I were in a relationship where the respect for my feelings was so low.

He doesn't need to do a full 360, but he needs to have your back if you raise something with him.

Bringing children into a relationship where the man clearly doesn't respect or care for his wife is a recipe for disaster. This will get worse until she dies...and then she'll be the beloved martyr of the family.

To that comment (which I'm gauging would be coming from your DH not the MiL) the best response is "Oh, but I married you DH, so my relationship is with you, not your mother. You're very welcome to visit her or have her to visit you here. She's welcome to visit here if she can, but if I have plans, I'm not going to be rescheduling them just because your mother might be coming."
Then don't be around if she comes by, or better yet, be around, welcome her, give her a hug, make your apologies and then leave for an appointment. You're a busy woman after all.

You have control here. You might not realise it but you do.

Stop over sharing what you do about Easter or Christmas or whatever. You will be setting your own new family traditions which will be a mix between what your DH did and what you did so it becomes something new.

You do need to get your DH to realise that he is in the relationship with you and not his mother any more. You need to be the squeaky wheel that needs the attention, not her.

What would happen if you didn't show up or do what MiL says? She might throw a tantrum and it would blow over. If she threw a tantrum, your DH would probably become a de facto 'Flying Monkey' (google that term if you're not aware of it already) trying to bring you on side again. Stick to your guns here. Don't give in.

He may not see it though he’s used to it. My mum interrupts all the time really rude, asks you a question and then just starts speaking again my husband just stops speaking when she does it and restarts when she shuts up. For years I thought he was being really precious but I then realised he isn’t and he is doing the right thing. she’s rude it’s just that age has me trained to never speak back to her or realise her poor behaviour.

Can't remember who said it but the phrase "you don't have to turn up to every argument you are invited to" helps me in situations like the Easter eggs. Just ignore her and take satisfaction from the fact she is trying to provoke you and not getting anywhere.

@Sillydoggy it was similar with his sister. She was much more overtly rude and disrespectful to me but she's stopped now because I just disengaged with her. At first it was back and forth but then I had 0 time for it. Now she doesn't do anything to my face (but I am aware of her saying things behind my back, I don't care tbh).

He would make excuses for her too. When I'd say "I don't trust her because of all the things she's done", he'd say fair enough but she's a kind person and is trust her with my life so you need to try and be forgiving and move forward.

I don't think I will ever be a natural priority over his blood family and I don't know what that means moving forward. I've had lots of counselling about it which has been really helpful but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt

@martinisforeveryone is your MIL better now then? Her comments are aimed at me but it's obvious that it's rude, so he's just ignoring it

@Seas164 another example would be when I'd arranged a games evening and dinner at ours and invited MIL, SIL, BIL and his wife. I have everyone a few months notice and they confirmed. A couple of weeks before I reminded them and MIL said, "actually I want to do a picnic on that day now so we'll cancel what you're doing and do what I want to instead. We can do it in the park by your house if you like".

When I said to DH it was unacceptable, he said why am I creating an issue? At least we'll be together and if she wants a picnic instead he can't see the issue

@Sillydoggy exactly this. She oftentimes makes comments. I'm a lawyer and she asked me when we would start TTC. I said, not sure yet as I'm quite junior and want to be confident and keep developing. Maybe would even like a promotion. She responded "oh, so you're a career woman now?" With a disapproving look.

Another time she said motherhood is a calling and women shouldn't work more than 3 days a week because other people would be raising their kids. An obvious jibe at me because my job is demanding and long hours

@LookItsMeAgain I feel like I've tried distancing but when I do see her it's even more intense

@ferneytorro I think you're right. It's how he's been raised, she's never wrong or unreasonable and you don't challenge her.

She talks over me often, the last time I asked him if he noticed and he said yes but she was just really excited about her holiday. I said so was I and she cut me off talking about mine to talk about hers. It's obviously rude but he can't accept that

Can you really be arsed with this for years ahead? Your husband doesn't want to change the dynamic and will always put his mother first. Looks to me that the only thing that will stop this shit completely is for you to step out on your own, leaving him and his family behind. He's clearly shown where his loyalties lie.

It's cognitive dissonance on your DH's behalf. He knows deep down that his mother's behaviour is wrong, that you shouldn't speak to people like that, but he's had her all his life. She's the only mother he's ever known. So, as far as he's aware, his mother is allowed to speak to you in ways that other people aren't. He literally cannot see that she's doing it on purpose to get a rise out of you because she thinks you aren't good enough for her darling, because he knows it's how she's always been. He's never known her as nice and accepting. He has to believe that she doesn't mean it, that she's lovely really etc etc, otherwise he'd have to accept that his mother is an old cow.

And he can't.

@ferneytorro oh and he told me she talks over me sometimes because I often speak in soliloquies so it's hard to get a word in edge ways so she just has to speak over me

This was me 25 years ago. MIL now lives with us. I was asked and said no, but here she is anyway and they are still a team. My advice is look for relationships where your partner has your back.

Oh dear OP, she and your SIL sound pretty awful, and your DH is not far behind if he thinks it’s ok for them to behave like that.
I had. MIL like yours. Like others have suggested, I just disengaged. Saw her very infrequently; told her nothing personal or important , but when I did see her I was polite to a fault.
Difference is, I could talk to my DH about it, and he was not blind to her self-obsessed dramas.

Hopefully a move away will improve things. If your DH continues to suggest you move closer, be clear with him - she can obviously do as she wishes, but you won’t be facilitating it, nor is it something you would desire.

This. You can’t make her like you, whatever you do, so stop trying to be kind and reasonable.

You can’t change your husband, he’s always going to take his mothers side.

So just avoid her and let her and your husband bitch about you to each other when you are not there.

Make a polite excuse to be out when she visits eg work or a ( real or imaginary) sick relative / friend of your own. I recommend a long term sickness that won’t get better or kill them. Or volunteering for a very worthwhile Charity.

I know someone who avoided all family weddings, christenings and funerals on her husbands side of the family for 25 years because she didn’t want to leave the cat alone.

Don’t waste your energy listening to your husband complain about her or sympathise with him. He has chosen this not you.

And make sure your husband deals with all cards / gifts etc for her so she can’t complain about you.

Don't deal with phone calls or emails - I assume your husband can work both of these .

Of she phones you, just say
“ Hello MIL, lovely to hear from you , hope you are well , here’s John “ and pass him the phone.

If he’s not in say
“ Hello MIL, hope you are well, Johns not here right now , he’s playing golf, can I text you his number ? Sorry I can’t talk right now I have visitors / I’m at work “.

Or better still, just don’t answer to her and let it go to voicemail. Then get John to return the call .

If you do this enough times she will stop phoning you.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat you're completely right. What makes it worse is that I had a very strained relationship with my mom growing up (it's improving now and we are in a much better place, which is really nice) and DH says that because of my relationship with my mom, I want him to have a poor relationship with his or I don't want him to do things for her like drive her around because I wouldn't do it for my mom. I don't think you should be driving her to places because it makes her more dependent on you, she chooses not to drive further that 20 mins from her house, you then shouldn't pick up the slack. It's not because I wouldn't do it for my mom, it's because you're creating a rod for your own back!

Id think really hard about having children with such a weak man who you can’t trust to have your back . Sorry I’m sure you don’t want to hear this.

And if MIL ever asks you such a rude question again, say something like “ Gosh that’s a very personal question isn’t it? “ and walk away . Stop giving her ammunition and stop justifying yourself to her.

@Acornsoup honestly, I can see how that would happen. If you were to stand firm on it you'd be characterised as the devil himself