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Original poster

MIL advice

143 replies

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 08:59

Just looking for some advice on how to deal with a MIL who is covertly condescending and belittling but whenever you raise it with DH, he says "she doesn't mean it like that".

She lost her husband a few years ago and I try to be understanding of that, but I honestly have had enough of the games trying to usurp DH's attention and trying to paint me out to be the bad guy.

We've decided to move about 3 hours away for work reasons and she's trying to twist that too. I've honestly had enough and don't know how to raise it with DH without it always turning into an argument where he's defending her and making me feel like an awful human being.

OP posts:
roxyballroom · 28/04/2023 10:03

prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 09:58

@roxyballroom 15 mins away

Bloody hell, you're going to feel free as a bird when you move!! 😂

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 28/04/2023 10:03

Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this? Who could be bothered with that shit? It’s fine to just admit you chose poorly and ditch the bloke.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 10:03

@TheFeistyFeminist I've tried this but he feels like I'm asking him to dislike his mom which doesn't even make any sense. Honestly, it's tiring

OP posts:
Softoprider · 28/04/2023 10:13

It all sounds very uncomfortable and you sound like awfully hard work OP. If this were my situation I would seriously consider having children given you - all of you - and none of you at the same time appear to be compatible.. I mean talking in soliloquies ?? Are we in another century here? shakes head

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2023 10:17

When your DH says that you are 'not normal' with his mother, have you tried saying "Why do you think that would be, DH? Why would my behaviour change so significantly when I'm in her company and only in her company? Do you think it might be her and not me by any chance causing this change in my behaviour? That I'm adapting to the environment that I've been exposed to?"

Call him out on it.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2023 10:18

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 28/04/2023 10:03

Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this? Who could be bothered with that shit? It’s fine to just admit you chose poorly and ditch the bloke.

This might end up being a good option, particularly if there are no children involved. I'd be making sure (at least for the time being) that children are not added to the situation.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 10:22

@Ragwort we've decided to move sooner than we originally planned to. We originally were going to move around 2028 but I commute down to London for work and it's become tiring and also the MIL issue is too much. Also, if we moved later, she'd be older and he'd probably be more reticent to leave her. That's why I thought let's just bite the bullet and move earlier, it's better for our marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 10:24

For those asking about children, we aren't planning any just yet

OP posts:
Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 10:49

Text from DH just now:

At the end of the day we are married, not you to your family or me to my family. Even if we disagree with intentions or understanding of events we need to not let that affect our family life which is the most important thing for me. I’m sorry for letting a disagreement affect our family life. We shouldn’t let any outside influences impact our relationship. I have heard what you said about support and backing up so would ask you give me one more chance. Also if you haven’t felt supported or backed up in the future can you let me know the same day, I’m asking you not to feel you have to leave or do something just tell me on the same day so I can be more aware and respond better in the future.

He said the thing about me leaving because I said if she continues to do it I won't be engaging, I will just stand up and leave. I think he understands that I'm not having it anymore but I still think he doesn't think she means anything by it

OP posts:
gotmychristmasmiracle · 28/04/2023 11:12

prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 09:58

@gotmychristmasmiracle I will try that approach I think. I adopted that with my SIL and DH doesn't really say anything. Sometimes he says I'm "not normal" with her because I'm a very chatty person and with her I only respond when spoken to and even then, it's the bare minimum. I'll be doing it with MIL too because it's gone well with SIL tbh

Yes I do same with MIL and SIL, suppose we can't get on with everyone no matter how hard we try. I have a feeling my OH agrees with me but just never expresses it, as he doesn't push me to have a relationship with them but he says he loves his mum and dad and that's fair enough I can respect that.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 28/04/2023 11:15

So basically he is saying

“ Don’t leave when she is rude to you, just stay and put up with it and then tell me later . Then you and I can debate about whether or not you are allowed to feel the way you do because in my opinion ‘she doesn’t mean it’ so your feelings are not valid “.

Id be saying that I don’t “ feel I have to leave “, that I WANT to leave when she is rude and that’s what I will be doing.

Yet again it’s all about making sure you prioritise his mothers feelings over your own.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2023 11:41

I'd have to respond to that message by saying that I have made him aware, I'm not waiting for a 'next time that it might happen because based on past history, it will happen' type scenario. He has to tackle the situation that I, as his wife, have made him aware of. This is his opportunity to deal with the situation so that there are no more 'next time it'll happen' scenarios.

He must grasp the nettle and deal with the situation or as he's put it an outside influence will have affected your relationship, beyond repair.

But that's just me.

I wouldn't wait until another situation occurs.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 12:14

@TUCKINGFYP0 @LookItsMeAgain thanks both, I've responded with a mix of your two messages and he responding saying that he wholeheartedly agrees and wants to be a team. He said if I don't feel I can't not get up and walk out then OK. He also said he won't be stopping having a relationship with his family (not that I've asked him to)

OP posts:
Softoprider · 28/04/2023 12:19

"He also said he won't be stopping having a relationship with his family"
The mere fact he felt the need to tell you this speaks volumes OP. I would be looking at that statement and what he means because from what you have said here I get the feeling you would like that

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2023 12:30

That point about him carrying on having a relationship with his family - that is perfectly acceptable. He just needs to accept that the only member of his family that you actively want to pursue a relationship with is him not his mother or siblings or anyone else, and so long as you agree with his point, he should agree with yours. Anything above that is frankly not on the cards.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 12:57

@Softoprider his message was:

I also just want to say I am not going to stop having a relationship or stop going to see my family because of the things you have said. I respect what you’ve said and the need to distance if you feel that’s best. However they are my family and it’s important for me to have good relationships with them. I hope you understand this is not prioritising them over you, I never stop or get in the way of your relationship with your family so I would hope for the same consideration. I am not saying this has not been present from you , I am just being clear.

As you can see, he said that it hasn't been "present" from me. I've never tried to cause issues in their relationships nor would I want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 12:58

@LookItsMeAgain exactly this. I would have liked a relationship but as a pp said, not everyone is going to get along. I also don't know what the future holds but right now I've had enough and I won't be putting up with it

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 28/04/2023 13:18

He’s really delusional. He can not accept that his mother and sister treat you badly so he can’t understand—won’t understand—what you are saying.

You have gotten lots of good advice on this thread. Here’s mine. Don’t opt in to his mother’s competition at all. Just tell him that you don’t enjoy their company and won’t be arranging dinners, get togethers, cards of gifts in the future. When he begs, cajoles, or complains just say “I don’t enjoy their company.” The more you Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain the more he thinks its a negotiation. The more he will defend himself and them—and put you down. Just jump right out: I’m not interested in a relationship with them. Done.

But I would not have children with him until he has joined your side. And he may never.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 14:43

@pikkumyy77 thank you - noted. This thread has been super helpful and I'll be coming back to it when needed.

Now he's just said to me:

Moving down south without parental support - something to be aware of is the difficulty of raising kids in this climate. Speaking to my consultant who said that’s the biggest thing he would consider in my position. Just the costs are preposterous down south he was saying. You have to be very wealthy if no support and working full time. Although obviously people in London do it, I guess it’s the quality of care.

Again, this is about living close to the mom. I would literally rather have £1 left a month because I have to pay for nursery and wrap around care than live down the road from his mom. Honestly

OP posts:
turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 28/04/2023 15:00

OH dear he is still not getting it is he? He is really not hearing you. Try this...I married you not your mother. End of discussion. You can see her when ever you like I have no problems with that at all ,however I do not want to see her I will not see her and I dont want to know anything she has to say,
I did this after years of underhand manipulation and it worked for me. DH sees her when ever he likes,he calls her whenever he likes with no tutting from me. I dont have anything to do with her and life is better! Much better!!

SerafinasGoose · 28/04/2023 15:14

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 10:32

@Seas164 if I take a step back, then I'm again painted as being difficult for not wanting to see her, go to hers or have her round. You can't win

You can't, which is why it's important to no longer try.

I had this with mine. DH refused to stand up to me. After taking more than a decade of her PA shit, I warned him that if he continued to refuse to do so, I would, and she wouldn't like what I had to say. He didn't. So I did.

Cue escalation of PA shit - she doesn't have the courage to confront anyone honestly and openly about whatever it is that's pissed her off - so I've withdrawn. This Christmas just gone was the final straw for me and I washed my hands of her entirely. Even DH is now getting it, and when I told him I no longer want her under my roof he agreed. As to whether he'll tell her that directly rather than working around it, we have yet to see. (She lives 2 hours away and we see her very infrequently, which is the only reason this hasn't become a far bigger problem than it is).

But even so, I'm at the end It's not a good example for my DC to see their Mum treated with contempt and disrespect. Even DH is now getting sick and tired of her (about time).

So you'll be painted as a wrong 'un for refusing to see her - do you care? The minute you press the 'delete' button on this person all the strife that comes with her will go away. Tell your DH he's welcome to continue his relationship with her - away from your orbit - and that you don't want to hear another word about what she says to him about you. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

When people play games like this, the only way to win is not to play.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 17:04

@turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly what about Christmases, birthdays etc?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2023 17:14

I'd ask him a very simple question at this point - does he want to live with you, wherever on the planet that may be or does he want to live with his mother/sister.

Because if he loves you, it shouldn't matter whether you live in Norway, Northampton or Nigeria (I was going with a theme there 😁) where his family is should = wherever you are, not his mother/sister.

If he can't make that call, I think you'll have to make it and decide what you want going forward.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 28/04/2023 17:36

@prinnycessa how does he see it working if you ever have children ?

Does he expect that the children will have a relationship with his mother but you won’t ? how will you manage Christmas, holidays etc? Will you/spend Christmas a part from your own children because he has taken them to see his mother at the other end of the country ?

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 28/04/2023 20:36

prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 17:04

@turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly what about Christmases, birthdays etc?

I dont go !! He will normally go the day before to drop the presents off , I dont give it a second thought to be honestHe does his sides birthdays and christmas and I do mine,