MIL advice

[prinnycessa]

Just looking for some advice on how to deal with a MIL who is covertly condescending and belittling but whenever you raise it with DH, he says "she doesn't mean it like that".

She lost her husband a few years ago and I try to be understanding of that, but I honestly have had enough of the games trying to usurp DH's attention and trying to paint me out to be the bad guy.

We've decided to move about 3 hours away for work reasons and she's trying to twist that too. I've honestly had enough and don't know how to raise it with DH without it always turning into an argument where he's defending her and making me feel like an awful human being.

Sorry posted too soon...as long as she sees him thats all that matters to her anyway, I am ok with that. I dont want to ruin their relationship but like anything else you come across people who won;t or can;t get along. I didnt want to interfere with that, She sees him, rings him and rarely do our paths ever cross at all now. It works for us.

You are really not getting it OP, your DH is already commenting about 'needing support' when you have DC (because of what a colleague says to him? . You may move ... but nothing will really change, DH will go running back to mummy and she will more than likely move nearer to you. I can just imagine you on here in a few years, if not months, complaining that nothing has changed.

You will end up doing all the Christmas's with MIL. She will stick out her pet lip and say but I will be on my own. And if you say no you will be unsupportive, callous, monstrous etc. when/if DC come along you will have to make consensus a because 'she's my Mum'. It doesn't get better it only gets a lot lot worse. As I said in a PP my MIL even lives with us now. She 'needs' us. She has always been manipulative, selfish, mean, unreasonable. She doesn't treat our DC the same (favours one of them) and she interferes. It is unbearable. I have had so many 'reasonable' conversations with DH about is and it always comes back to me being cold hearted. You can not win. And it is so NOT worth it.

@LookItsMeAgain loved the alliteration

I feel like he's happy to move with me anywhere now (out of the country too which we've discussed but I ultimately didn't want to) but his concern is help with kids. In reality we can afford help with kids so it bubbles down to wanting our parents specifically to help.

To be fair, I can understand that as my mom and dad want to be super involved too and are looking forward to us having kids. However, we are moving so it won't be possible and they will just have to visit us instead. Things change and don't always look like what we had anticipated

@TUCKINGFYP0 we have been alternating Christmases since we got married so I imagine he thinks that will continue. I have said that we may want to spend Christmases just us with kids once we have them and he said that's fair but we will have to see as it was never that way for me growing up, it was always with extended family.

I don't want to be too prescriptive before it happens as I want room to change my mind. I just want it to be our decision

it's not about winning. It is about not playing her/their game.
So until you move just adopt a Mona Lisa smile and let it wash over you - it has an end point.
After that? you can go NC without actually even telling them. Let DH handle all contact.

@turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly I think that's where we're headed as we used to talk and see each other much more than we do now, and that's fine for me. Funnily enough, SIL text me last night to see how I'm doing and for a general chat. A huge turn around from her behaviour a couple of years ago when she was just vile. Clearly my change in behaviour towards her and no nonsense attitude worked, I will be applying the same to MIL

@Ragwort my worst nightmare. DH's brothers wife has told him she doesn't want to live close to MIL and he understands. I've told DH and he sighs. I hope a counsellor can help him see my POV

@Acornsoup is your DH an only child?

Also, I will say that she really, really disliked DH's brothers wife before they got married and for a year or two into their marriage. (I think she's great). She would make various comments (as she does with me) and was generally standoffish. This coincided with the time we got along. DH's brother took her aside and said if you continue to disrespect my wife, you're not welcome in our home. Her behaviour towards her changed after that. Not immediately and it obviously took a concerted effort but now there are hardly any instances (one offs) where she behaves that way.

Once her child nips it in the bud, it changes her behaviour. Me going back and forth with her is unlikely to make a difference tbh

DH has a sibling that will not take any responsibility. Sibling is the golden child.

do you? I mean, that kind of thing is absolutely proveable: next time she does it, turn to him and say "well i got 2 sentences out that time" and just leave it. And walk away.

TBH - get out now. Don't have children with him

@Acornsoup luckily DH has two siblings. DBIL lives an hour or so away and his wife doesn't have the behaviour but SIL panders to her. Hopefully when we leave SIL can be there for what she wants rather than following us anywhere

I sincerely hope so

Update: MIL has called DH saying she wants to go out to brunch with me. I asked him why? Has he said something to her but he says he hasn't. Very bizarre.

I think maybe because I have kept her at arms length and when we went over for dinner recently I was unusually quiet. I would respond to the questions she asked but I wasn't conversational by any stretch of the imagination. I think because we know when we're moving to London now and it all seems real she might want to try and get me on side because DH's communication is just terrible and she's scared she'll barely see him or speak to him?

In any event, I have a long memory and the continued behaviour has been exhausting.

Some advice on how to approach the incoming brunch request please?

@prinnycessa - how about the old chestnut "I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me"?

Or maybe "I think it's best if we don't try to build a fake relationship based on past history. If you need anything, please contact your son directly. I'm not interested in meeting you"

Or something maybe a little less harsh.

Actually, having had a second thought about it, I would meet for brunch (so long as she's paying) and then do a repeat performance of what you did when you last met up and you weren't as chatty or forthcoming with your information.

If she asks if you're feeling well or makes any reference to why you're not as chatty, you simply reply "I'm fine thank you" and don't offer any more info.

Be polite but don't go out of your way to be more than that.

@LookItsMeAgain this is a good idea. It makes me worried that she will say to DH that I was being unkind or funny. Honestly I don't need this in my life, I was plodding along fine.

It's just a very bizarre request. I think she's definitely trying to take a longer term view