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Original poster

MIL advice

143 replies

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 08:59

Just looking for some advice on how to deal with a MIL who is covertly condescending and belittling but whenever you raise it with DH, he says "she doesn't mean it like that".

She lost her husband a few years ago and I try to be understanding of that, but I honestly have had enough of the games trying to usurp DH's attention and trying to paint me out to be the bad guy.

We've decided to move about 3 hours away for work reasons and she's trying to twist that too. I've honestly had enough and don't know how to raise it with DH without it always turning into an argument where he's defending her and making me feel like an awful human being.

OP posts:
Sillydoggy · 25/04/2023 19:54

Counselling is an excellent first step

TellySavalashairbrush · 25/04/2023 20:05

I do think she knows exactly how to push your buttons and as difficult as it might seem, ignoring her remarks or even better, laughing them off is the easiest answer.
my DH sees his mother as some kind of Madonna - 20 years ago it used to infuriate me and she knew it. Now I just laugh at her remarks (they have reduced enormously over the years when she realised I wasn’t going to allow her to annoy me) .

Seas164 · 25/04/2023 20:24

You know how you used to get on with her until you got married and then things went downhill? Prepare for things to get a hell of a lot worse if you have children. It adds another level of nonsense.

I think you need a bit of a step back in more ways than one. If SIL or MIL ask your DH to go and change a lightbulb, or pull bricks out of a skip and he agrees, then that's his business. He's not a resource to fight over, he's a seperate entity with his own will and priorities.

There's no point in pitting yourself against them and his time and energy being the battle ground. There's no way of winning that one. He's spent the whole of his life in this dynamic with them, and he doesn't have your outside perpsective on it. He literally can't see that it's odd, because to him, it feels perfectly normal.

He will either get it, or he won't, hopefully joint counselling might help him hear you, but he will have his own take on the situation of course.

My ex MIL was a total pain, and so was FIL, and BIL. I decided really early on that I wouldn't start anything I wasn't willing to maintain, and kept contact very low. They were his relationships, and I used to just stay out of the way. They didn't like it, but I'm in the Save Yourself camp on this one. Near the top of the list of benefits of getting divorced was never having to have anything to do with them again.

pfftt · 25/04/2023 20:27

Kindly, you are well qualified and should have every reason to do well in life. This marriage is doomed. Please please 🙏🏼 get out now. Or make it abundantly clear to your DH that you are walking away if he doesn't prioritise you genuinely. Not half heartedly. Not because he's bagging points but because he actually chooses you first. You are lucky. No dc yet. Make this decision NOW

SchoolTripDrama · 25/04/2023 20:33

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 12:43

@Seas164 I think I have to accept that the dynamic (unhealthy as it is) between her and DH is unlikely to change. I think the only thing that will help is distance. But even that, DH said he thought it would be nice if once we move, she moves close to us!

Honestly and I don't say this lightly, I would walk away. This won't ever change.
You could try giving him an ultimatum that he promises you he will defend you and if he doesn't, you're gone. I don't think that will work though, I don't think the way he sees her, is something you can ever change and therefore you will always, always be miserable

SchoolTripDrama · 25/04/2023 20:36

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 25/04/2023 12:56

I think it's maybe a case of picking your battles. Re the Easter eggs, I'd have just said 'ok' and walked off. Arguing over when to give a child chocolate means you're onto a hiding to nothing. Just let them have them Friday, just not before meals etc. if she was insisting that she take them for a haircut you didn't want, then I'd start to put my foot down and say no.

It sounds like she knows exactly which buttons to press and you're walking straight into it. Sometimes it's easier to just drop the rope. Let your dh deal with it.

Just let them have them Friday, just not before meals etc

So basically just roll over and let MIL walk all over & go against all of OP's wishes & decisions?

Yeah, that'll show her DaffodilHmmBiscuit

SchoolTripDrama · 25/04/2023 20:37

AlisonDonut · 25/04/2023 13:07

Does it really matter which day people eat easter eggs on?

Way to spectacularly miss the point

SchoolTripDrama · 25/04/2023 20:40

prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 13:29

@Seas164 another example would be when I'd arranged a games evening and dinner at ours and invited MIL, SIL, BIL and his wife. I have everyone a few months notice and they confirmed. A couple of weeks before I reminded them and MIL said, "actually I want to do a picnic on that day now so we'll cancel what you're doing and do what I want to instead. We can do it in the park by your house if you like".

When I said to DH it was unacceptable, he said why am I creating an issue? At least we'll be together and if she wants a picnic instead he can't see the issue

Oh that's appalling! Yep he puts MIL wayyyy above you on his priority list :(

Stillcountingbeans · 25/04/2023 20:45

He is never going to put you before his mother.
He is never going to put your future children before his mother.

You have to be really-and-truly, deep-down okay with this, or you need to divorce.

Because you can't change him. Don't think a bit of counselling will change him.
He is who he is - accept it or leave.

Sillydoggy · 25/04/2023 21:15

Counselling is an important part of the process. You need to give him a chance to show you how he really feels about you and her. This will help you make your decision about your future.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 21:53

You're right @Seas164 - my brother also said that to me, he can do what he wants and me kicking up a fuss again just makes me look like the issue as I'm the only one who is calling it out as the rest of them are used to the dynamic. I was reticent at first to move away as I always anticipated family help when we have DC but for various reasons I do think it's for the best

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Original poster
prinnycessa · 25/04/2023 21:56

@SchoolTripDrama @Stillcountingbeans @Sillydoggy I think counselling will help but ultimately I think the dynamic is so entrenched because it's been like this his whole life and I am new and a disruption so of course I must be the issue; not his mom's behaviour. I don't want to leave him as I love him but I do take on board the points that I need to consider what my life and happiness levels will be like if this never changes

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Original poster
prinnycessa · 26/04/2023 17:48

Thanks for all the helpful advice on this thread. I've raised it calmly with DH and explained how I feel and he has thanked me for being honest and clear. He's having a think about it and we are going to discuss it further tomorrow. I hope we can take a step forward

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OriginalUsername2 · 27/04/2023 11:17

SchoolTripDrama · 25/04/2023 20:40

Oh that's appalling! Yep he puts MIL wayyyy above you on his priority list :(

Show quote history

She sounds vile!!

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 27/04/2023 11:33

The thing is, you'll never change a mummys boy like this. How old is she? You could have another 40 years being sidelined in your own family.

Honestly I would divorce before you have kids and you're really all in. I would not have children with someone who doesn't prioritise me.

frumpster40 · 27/04/2023 11:37

Keep your mouth shut and put up with it until you move away. Don't risk it. Once you are far, far away, she'll be a very distant memory.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 07:41

@EscapeRoomToTheSun she's 66. We've discussed it and he says he sees my points but thinks I overreact. Obviously she doesn't mean it like that. I think I will try @ConcernedCatmother 's suggestion in future and post one of her comments to MN in future and show him the responses

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Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 07:42

@frumpster40 you would hope but I wouldn't put it past her to come and visit once a month and stay. I think you're right though, we'll move in 18 months or so and that will fly by. Once we're away and we're busy we'll probably see her quarterly and that's much more manageable

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gotmychristmasmiracle · 28/04/2023 07:47

Similar situation with my OH, I have just totally removed myself as it was too stressful. If I am in her company I don't say much and just talk about general stuff, not much about myself or child. Think OH prefers it that way also as saves stress.

Pashazade · 28/04/2023 08:19

I would say OP try and get a voice recording of her, to play to your husband, whether he's present or not, otherwise he will try and say your misrepresenting her/try and minimise it, even if what you post on here is verbatim, if you've got a recording then he can't deny it.

roxyballroom · 28/04/2023 09:26

prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 07:42

@frumpster40 you would hope but I wouldn't put it past her to come and visit once a month and stay. I think you're right though, we'll move in 18 months or so and that will fly by. Once we're away and we're busy we'll probably see her quarterly and that's much more manageable

How far does she live from you now?

TheFeistyFeminist · 28/04/2023 09:34

Early in our relationship, I had a (not yet) MIL issue. Felt like he was taking her side, so I sat him down and said if this is going to work between us, we need to be a team. You and me against the world. You and me against her if needs be. So, choose sides. Show me we're a team.

He stood up to her and it worked out. Our relationship was not straightforward until I provided a grandchild (!) and we are close now. I'm sure that took effort on both sides, I know it took effort on mine.

Interestingly, in more recent years, now DH's sibling has started talking about toxic experiences from childhood. Maybe it was never me, after all.......

Ragwort · 28/04/2023 09:45

She only 66 Shock - good grief that's my age, please think very carefully about whether you want to continue this marriage. I am not a MIL but I do have an only DS so I am very careful about making sure I know the pitfalls and how to avoid these sorts of situations should they arrive in the future.

My advice would be to leave ... if she is like this now when she is at an age where she could have plenty of her own interests, friendship groups etc - I am still working - it's only going to get worse as her opportunities limit in the future.

I think you've posted about her before haven't you? It's clearly not getting any easier and your DH is far too enmeshed with his DM.

Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 09:58

@gotmychristmasmiracle I will try that approach I think. I adopted that with my SIL and DH doesn't really say anything. Sometimes he says I'm "not normal" with her because I'm a very chatty person and with her I only respond when spoken to and even then, it's the bare minimum. I'll be doing it with MIL too because it's gone well with SIL tbh

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Original poster
prinnycessa · 28/04/2023 09:58

@roxyballroom 15 mins away

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