MIL advice

[prinnycessa]

Just looking for some advice on how to deal with a MIL who is covertly condescending and belittling but whenever you raise it with DH, he says "she doesn't mean it like that".

She lost her husband a few years ago and I try to be understanding of that, but I honestly have had enough of the games trying to usurp DH's attention and trying to paint me out to be the bad guy.

We've decided to move about 3 hours away for work reasons and she's trying to twist that too. I've honestly had enough and don't know how to raise it with DH without it always turning into an argument where he's defending her and making me feel like an awful human being.

I am STILL the devil. Literally can not win.

Have a look at some other relationships around you where the in law families are kind and welcoming and the husband is supportive of his wife. Wouldn't you rather have that environment to raise your children (or your your career) in? Think hard about what you want in your life because from what you have described you deserve better than this.

You can use that knowledge to give him an ultimatum to sort out his attitude or you could use it to rethink whether this is the right relationship for you going forward. What you can't do is ignore the situation because no matter how good you become at managing it it will undermine your self esteem, your marriage and your relationship with your children for the rest of your life.

is your DH my ex? Because all the issues you are raising are very familiar.

At the end what made up my mind about breaking up was that I would never be happy not being put first, and he would never put me first (and if he would, it would be after arguing and not really meaning it). Plus, I saw that my ex had all these plans that my exMIL would do with our future children that he hadn’t even run through me. I was not going to go through that.

As they often say, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

One day many of the women who commented on here will be mothers in law….just wait and see how it is when that happens. Don’t say ‘I won’t be like that’ or ‘that won’t happen to me’ because as sure as the sun comes up every day it will !

I’d get out now if I were you @prinnycessa .
Lifes too short to be with a man that doesn’t cherish you.

My own MIL’s long gone. I learned in the end that she was unhappy and bitter and so I just didn’t let her get to me.
Keep your responses non committal eg about TTC ‘we don’t all get to choose do we’ or ‘we haven’t decided’

Don’t over share anything with wider family.

@Throwncrumbs I am a MIL, more than once and over 10 years. Never say never, but so far so good.

so what if you are characterised as the devil! you need to step away from her..... and him about her....
move if you want.....you need to get your boundaries sorted and Tell him. what they are...
stop talking so much to her..
i would also stop talking so much about it to him... once you've said where you boundaries are....its nasty of him to bring up your past relationship with your mother... you are not challenging his relationship with herp

although how are your boundaries with her? it can be hard settling up adult relationship with a parent after difficult relationship as a child....

you dont need all this angst in your head

One comment is all it takes( DIL said something, I said it was not nice) and you end up being the bad guy, my son now barely speaks to me, unless like last week they wanted a babysitter. I was really upset but at first, but as time has gone on I really can’t be bothered anymore. My two other children are appalled at how I’ve been treated and don’t really speak to their brother. The son I had is like a different person😢

@Sillydoggy that's true, I think there's only so much distance can do. Thank you

@Nyna that's so true, whenever he does prioritise me I never feel it's because he wants to. I feel it's because he thinks he should and then he says "well I prioritised you so what's the issue" then proceeds to go and do whatever MIL and SIL have asked him to do, such as come and change a lightbulb (not joking) and go and pick up bricks out of someone else's skip. Madness

Why does your family tradition top your husband's family tradition (although you are right and Easter Eggs are for Sunday.)

It is pointless engaging with things like that, it isn't Easter, you don't have children so why argue about it.

@averythinline my boundaries with my mom are very clear. She does oftentimes overstep and just does what she wants but then I clearly communicate to her (granted, not always calmly) what I will and won't have.

She's much more receptive now I'm older and our relationship is all the better for it. You're right, him throwing that in my face is low

You need to not care about how she sees you. If she thinks you’re difficult - that’s her problem. Don’t argue with her. Just see her as little as possible.
If your DH doesn’t like you removing yourself from the situation then you need to calmly point out that you gave him every chance to back you up, that he chose to minimise the problem, and that therefore you’re removing yourself from the situation so that his mum can enjoy his company without any bad atmosphere spoiling things.
Whenever she says something you disagree with just say ‘Well MIL, you know best’ and smile sweetly at her. It’s the perfect response to shut people down because you’re not engaging in the debate.
I have, today, done my annual ‘day out with the in-laws’. After a couple of hours I excused myself - I always have a doctor’s appt/ an MoT/ haircut/friend visiting excuse ready to go. Then I came home and left DH to entertain them. No arguments, no drama. They all think I’m rude but I no longer care. They had their chance.

I've been there, OP, and if I had my time over again, I'd most likely walk away from the relationship, because it won't get any better.

How long have you been with him.
Are you married.

He needs to start choosing you and unfortunately that's by you being as someone who said the squeaky wheel or being more difficult than them.

The picnic idea was absolutely awful. Absolutely awful and disrespectful.

Try a few things out and to bar honest if it's doesn't change and you still love him try relate counselling. If he won't go or won't listen....

Leave

U won’t ever change it, u just have to learn to live with it or move on.

Noones tradition tops anyone else's but DH doesn't care about things like that. Also, his mom was saying it to be difficult and that's why I responded the way I did. But as a PP said I shouldn't have engaged because she knows what buttons to press and it just makes me look worse

Sorry that was to @Iwasafool

@Helenahandkart that's true, I shouldn't be begging my husband to defend me when he so easily defends her against me whilst getting very angry. As PP have said, it's clear where his loyalties lie and I really have no time for it anymore. It's intensely upsetting and because I don't cry my feelings aren't taken into consideration (I feel anyway)

@Conductpolicy we've been together 5.5 years and married 2.5.

I'm booking in counselling as we speak. Hopefully a counsellor can help him see what I'm saying. I think as a PP said, he knows deep down when she's doing things wrong but he's been conditioned to turn a blind eye. Me raising it upsets the status quo and I therefore can very easily be seen as the problem because noone was challenging her before I arrived.

Interestingly, before we got married we got on very well, I would spend time with her without DH and we had a good relationship. It's only since we got married (and the preceding few months) that this behaviour started. That does however coincide with the loss of DH's dad so I try and be understanding - that doesn't mean that my feelings aren't valid

Wow.

Yes counsellor will have heard this dynamic a 1000 times before.

They can be the clarity mirror.

I had massive Mil issues but dh had my back and never pretended she was being nice.

I could not have tolerated her had he not had my back.

Next time MIL makes a rude remark, post it on mumsnet.
Read him the replies.
That’s what I did out of desperation and it was a hallelujah moment.
We’re both very low contact now and so happy! 😊

Honestly, it will get worse when you have children.

After many years of pointing out MIL was saying shitty things to me, she said something to my youngest and it was 'unignorable' if you know what I mean.

I asked her to leave there and then and I have flatly refused to deal with her anymore. If he wants to see her fine but I won't organise a single thing. No more shared Christmas's, no more passive aggressive comments- it's so much better. I don't organise cards, OH is expected to. He absolutely cannot say anything because a) he knows what she said was inexcusable and b) he knows me well enough to know that once I've had enough, that's it.

@ConcernedCatmother I would try that but he would say you guys don't have all the context or some other excuse

@FofD did he used to make excuses for her before you refused to see her anymore?

I can see something like that happening when we have kids tbh. She said to me before "one thing about me is that I'm just going to say what I want and you have to accept that". I won't be accepting that in relation to kids