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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:32

@Nottamug

True though.

OP posts:
babyproblems · 22/04/2023 20:33

In invited my parents’ close friends who we’ve known a very long time. My parents also paid for our wedding so I did feel a bit obliged but I would have probably invited them regardless.. I think if it’s people who have seen you grow up etc then it’s normal to invite them. If it’s just their best mate from whatever club and they’ve not seen you grow up or through childhood then I don’t think you’re under any obligation! I thought the other thread was a bit entitled but it also didn’t say whether she had been around since young childhood etc. X

icerosenovember · 22/04/2023 20:34

No. You shouldn't get a say in the invites. You should pay because you want to pay, not because you want a knees up with your cronies.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 20:35

@Wewereonabreak88 no and no! Same on my husband's side as well. I know who some of my parents friends are but they are my parents friends, not mine. Maybe I would feel differently if I was close to them, so that might explain the different opinions.
You may not have but the OP describes how their dd knows the couple very well, grew up playing with their dc and that they were like unofficial aunty and uncle so completely different from you. I like to think we can answer basing our response on what we have been told of their situation. Not just base it all on our own.

icerosenovember · 22/04/2023 20:36

Why not renew your own wedding vows OP? Then you can invite who you like to that?

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 20:36

icerosenovember · 22/04/2023 20:34

No. You shouldn't get a say in the invites. You should pay because you want to pay, not because you want a knees up with your cronies.

Inviting TWO people is hardly a massive knees up with the cronies. I suspect you are a troll

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:37

icerosenovember · 22/04/2023 20:34

No. You shouldn't get a say in the invites. You should pay because you want to pay, not because you want a knees up with your cronies.

Not technically my cronies.

My husband's school friends. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:38

icerosenovember · 22/04/2023 20:36

Why not renew your own wedding vows OP? Then you can invite who you like to that?

Nah.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 22/04/2023 20:39

There’s something majorly insane about this thread.

TetraSaurus · 22/04/2023 20:40

We really have left everything up to our daughter and future son in law - who is a top bloke by the way. We love him unconditionally. He just has a large family and many friends - we have to accept this

Apparently my daughter says he's agonising over who to leave out - it's caused bad feelings with his parents - who are also lovely people

I don't think your daughter, her fiancé or his parents are behaving nicely at all. It's outrageous that they haven't asked if there is any limit to how many people they can invite and how much money they can spend. For none of them to have considered that you may want to invite a few close friends shows they are selfish. You future SIL and his parents can be forgiven but your daughter is selfish and unkind. Is this typical of her behaviour.

Are you UK based? It's unusual to have so many guests.

icerosenovember · 22/04/2023 20:42

@mybeautifuloak nope not a troll. I would gladly say it to OP's face.

WoodenFloorboards · 22/04/2023 20:42

It's a sliding scale, depending on who's paying, the size of the wedding, how well the bride knows the friends, how many friends. On all these fronts the OP is on the right side of the scale.

The problem is that they didn't say right from the off "we'd love to pay for the wedding darling, but we do have just one request: would you mind inviting Auntie Doreen and Uncle Ken because it would mean a lot to us to have them there."

Springing it on them at this stage when they're already trying to triage the list is kind of awkward.

Ponderingwindow · 22/04/2023 20:43

If you are paying for the wedding, you are the hosts and ultimately decide the guest list. It would be rude for you to stack a venue with just your guests, but your close friends is perfectly reasonable.

if the couple is paying, they are in charge.

if you make a contribution, it is less clear. If your contribution is a large percentage of the wedding budget, asking for your friends to be included is reasonable.

GlasgowGal82 · 22/04/2023 20:44

I posted a while ago before I'd read the full thread, and now that I have read the full thread I think you are being a bit of a doormat and you are getting some pretty bad advice here too. You and your husband are paying a lot of money for this event and you're being very generous in allowing your daughter and her future husband free reign. I think asking to invite one couple is very modest! My wedding was much smaller and my parents invited seven couples who were there friends. They were all long-term friends who I had spent time with as a child and teenager but I hadn't seen most of them since reaching adulthood and certainly wouldn't keep in touch with them myself. If I were you I'd be calling up my daughter this evening to tell her you want an invitation for your close friends. And unless you are very wealthy and can afford to throw money away I'd also be setting some boundaries on her spending.

Nottamug · 22/04/2023 20:44

Sorry my comment was in reply to @DannyZukosSmile not you @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche !

saraclara · 22/04/2023 20:45

This is the most unbalanced guest list I've ever heard of. 150 on the groom's side and twelve on the bride's, and the bride's parents are paying for the (seemingly really expensive) wedding?

So many people.on this thread clearly haven't read OP's posts properly. They want one couple inviting. That's it.

My DD and son in law paid for their wedding. I paid for the dress. But still my DD asked me if there are any friends I'd like to invite. They were happy to pay for me to invite up to four, but said I was welcome to invite more, but would be grateful if I could pay for those extra people's meals. I thought it was very sweet of them, but there was only one couple that I'd have invited (who they knew quite well) but they were going to be away.
My DD also invited me to be involved with visiting possible locations, choosing photographers etc. Which again, was really sweet and I enjoyed it.

I can't imagine being the beneficiary of such generosity from parents as this bride is, and the couple not allowing OP to invite one couple who they know so well. I how they agree to this at the very least.

Nottamug · 22/04/2023 20:46

AutumnCrow · 22/04/2023 20:39

There’s something majorly insane about this thread.

Agree …cannot believe how rude and disrespectful people are !!

TetraSaurus · 22/04/2023 20:46

In future though, if you give a massive amount of money to someone and you have something that you would like them to do then it's ok to say so at the time.

'Dearest daughter, we are so happy that you are getting married we would like to pay for everything. Our only request would be that we would love it if you could invite our friends George and Joan to the weddings too. Would that be OK?'

piscesangel · 22/04/2023 20:47

I'm really surprised by many of these comments - when I got married it seemed a completely obvious thing to invite some old friends of both sets of parents, as it was a family event that we wanted them to enjoy. These are people we know well as we socialise often as a family so it wasn't in any way an imposition on our day, quite the opposite. This discussion seems a bit like that about child free weddings - I'm not sure why the current trend seems to be to reduce weddings to a party for the bride and grooms friends as far as possible, feels like it is diminishing them from the joyful all-generations celebrations they should be.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:54

Glasshalffullorempty · 22/04/2023 20:24

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche Top bloke? Love him unconditionally?! Why? What is he (and his family) bringing to the table apart from a huge level of CFuckery

Honestly, he genuinely is a lovely man. We socialise with them and his parents regularly.

He really does have lots of friends through school, work and his hobby - his friends have partners and some have children.

Both his parents have huge families. His parents moved hundreds of miles away from their families for a job more than 30 years ago. Their wider family has a long way to travel. Some will come from abroad. Children are also included in numbers, those over 12 I believe are classed as adult guests.

It is what it is.

We'll have a fairytale day whoever the guests are - I'm sure they're all wonderful if they're special to our daughter and her partner.

My husband is saying maybe they won't all be able to attend ....

Oh and the only demand has come from daughter's future FIL who wants 30 min of northern soul in the evening.

Fair enough.

OP posts:
WhatTheCup · 22/04/2023 20:55

This thread is insane. The OP is being so kind to pay for the wedding and the bride and groom should have already asked her if there is anyone she would like to invite. It's not like it's a tiny wedding! It's her daughter's wedding, of course she would want to be involved and that includes giving advice and having a say in things. Family is about relationships not just a transaction of handing over money and then staying silent in the background.

For what it's worth, I think the groom is being really entitled having such a disproportionate amount of the guests as his, especially as neither he nor his family are contributing. And organising overnight accommodation at your expense and giving it to his family is a massive cheek. You were paying for a wedding not for everything they can possibly think of. If the bride and groom want to pay for their guests accommodation (which is very rare unless it's a destination wedding and even then it's not common), then fine, but to charge it to you is awful behaviour. What next? Are you going to reimburse all his family for their petrol/train tickets? Are you going to be charged for everyone's outfits? I think you are being taken advantage of.

Nottamug · 22/04/2023 20:58

Never occurred to me that my Mum had to ask permission to invite her friends to my wedding…what has happened to common decency? Cannot believe how rude and disrespectful people are these days ! Mumsnet has really opened my eyes to how badly some people brought their children up in the 90s … the sense of entitlement is shocking !

Mum2jenny · 22/04/2023 20:59

not read the thead, but it does depend who is paying, my dd invited who she wanted, we had no input. But it was a really good event.

caffelattetogo · 22/04/2023 21:02

We asked both sets of parents to invite a table of friends. It was a big life event for them as well as for us. We were glad to have them there.

Dotcheck · 22/04/2023 21:02

Heroicallyfound · 22/04/2023 18:00

You can decide whether your offer to pay for the wedding is fully no strings attached, or if it is conditional on your preferred guests being included.

yes this, but if your gift of paying is with strings attached then it’s only reasonable to communicate that to the bride and groom so they can accept/decline your gift and all the strings consciously. Otherwise it just creates problems. If you haven’t communicated about it, don’t be surprised if the bride and groom get annoyed when you try to invite people.

This confuses me.
Would the couple truly be that angry that 2 lifelong family friends are there? Is that really a ‘string’ ? I can’t see how it would change the vibe of the day