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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
BarkyMatherson · 22/04/2023 20:06

Their wedding, if you pay for it or not you don’t get to invite people.

SpottyBumPony · 22/04/2023 20:07

I think you are being unreasonable. If you are happy to give her the money then it's a gift and they can invite who they choose.

We paid for our own wedding and as it happened we did invite some parents friends from either side. But when it comes to my own son I would have no expectation that he invites my friends. They are my friends, not his, if I want to party with them then I should have to organise my own shindig

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:09

furryfrontbottom · 22/04/2023 19:01

Why are you paying for 150 guests? Is your future son in law the CF of all time?

We really have left everything up to our daughter and future son in law - who is a top bloke by the way. We love him unconditionally. He just has a large family and many friends - we have to accept this.

Apparently my daughter says he's agonising over who to leave out - it's caused bad feelings with his parents - who are also lovely people.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
bowiesmum · 22/04/2023 20:11

We got married last year and invited all parents friends. My mam had 12 and she mam had 7. We were only going to have a couple at first but then said life's too short. I'd hope my boys will have my best friends at their weddings 🤞🏼

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 20:12

Why on earth didn't you mention it to your DD when having the conversation with her about wedding lists ?

There is not being interfering and then there is being a walkover. My DPs paid for our wedding and stipulated that their closest friends should be invited,we were happy to invite the couple as of course we should have been seeing as DPs were footing the bill.

It's crass of the couple not to have asked you if you wanted anyone invited. But no point in handing over the dosh - what does a big wedding cost these days, I'm guessing around £20k - and then sighing sadly about the lack of your friends being there.

WordtoYoMumma · 22/04/2023 20:13

My in-laws didn't pay a penny towards our wedding, didn't lift a finger to help with any planning or organising, and then told us we had to invite their friends. DH has a very complicated relationship with them and is horribly spineless when it comes to his parents so we ended up with about ten guests who we didn't know cos DH just invited everyone they said we had to. I'm still annoyed about it and it's been more than a decade 😂

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 20:14

Oh gosh everyone is so lovely, but your DD and DF have missed basic manners in not asking you if you wanted anyone invited on your dime.

How nice are his DPs really, if they're prepared to force a cast of thousands again on your dime.

Please OP for the love of something holy, just spit it out to them. If it means a few third cousins don't go on your dime then so be it.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:16

Flossflower · 22/04/2023 19:16

Maybe all these friends the groom is having are joint friends it is just you don’t know them.

I think my daughter is inviting half a dozen of her friends with their partners and their children.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:19

Timeturnerplease · 22/04/2023 19:19

As an aside, I really hope this doesn’t mean that DH and I will have to go to all of our friends’ children’s weddings in 25 years time. We’ve spent enough on weddings in the past 15 years 🤦🏻‍♀️

I agree - that would be expensive.

We also have many shared friends from over the years.

As they say you can choose your friends .... perhaps we make up for having a small family.

OP posts:
TheFretfulPorpentine · 22/04/2023 20:19

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:16

I think my daughter is inviting half a dozen of her friends with their partners and their children.

Show quote history

This sounds like a very unequal arrangement. I hope it's not the shape of things to come.

DemelzaandRoss · 22/04/2023 20:19

In view of the huge disparity of numbers regarding your DD’s side of the family & her partner I would say it’s perfectly acceptable for your friends to be invited.
Surely, it’s just a pleasant gesture for your DD to agree to this small request. I don’t think you would be The Parents from Hell.
Quite the opposite. In 2023 you are under no obligation to pay for the wedding. Unless your DD is extremely well off, this must be a huge help to them.

PippaF2 · 22/04/2023 20:21

But OP, with everything - your DD may simply have not thought. I'd just be inclined to say to her, you have put X&Y on your list haven't you?

She may have done, you might be worrying about nothing. Or, she may have forgotten and it could simply be a case of - oh sorry, yes of course Mum.

It feels like you're expecting an argument - which might not even be there.

AutumnCrow · 22/04/2023 20:21

How much? £30k? I’d say uncle and auntie Patterson might be invited, yeah.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:22

anotherscroller · 22/04/2023 19:30

Parents’ friends?? Whaaaaat?? It’s not an arranged marriage you know.
You pay for it because you have more money and because it makes you happy, not to turn it into your own party.
otherwise don’t pay for it and let them do a lower key thing.

Two friends?

No?

Wow!

OP posts:
mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 20:23

@NotAHouse
Mmmm, gifts with strings attached are DEFINITELY the best kind.
Yes yes. 2 old friends out of 300 guests are such thick ropes not strings. How dare they.

Glasshalffullorempty · 22/04/2023 20:23

@Glasshalffullorempty Top bloke? Love him unconditionally?! Why? What is he (and his family) bringing to the table apart from a huge level of CFuckery

BornBlonde · 22/04/2023 20:23

If the wedding is 300 people and you are only asking for 2 close friends to be invited it's entirely reasonable!

Glasshalffullorempty · 22/04/2023 20:24

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche Top bloke? Love him unconditionally?! Why? What is he (and his family) bringing to the table apart from a huge level of CFuckery

Nottamug · 22/04/2023 20:26

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:05

I have not called any shots.

Perhaps that is why the guest list is disproportionately balanced in favour of the groom ?

Show quote history

You sound lovely…!!

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 20:26

OP I think people have lost their minds. 2 people. TWO out of 300. It is completely reasonable that you would have close family friends who your dd knows very very well to spend time with at the wedding you are paying for.
People suggesting you are wanting a knees up with ALL YOUR MATES or that you are a tyrant wanting to control things or give gifts with string are verging on insane. TWO people. You absolutely should ask that they are invited. To keep you company if nothing else. Is absolutely your RIGHT to have an enjoyable time considering you are paying for the whole event and if two people will make it a relaxed and enjoyable experience and not just an event you are s random guest at then your dd would be rude not to

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 20:27

GoodChat · 22/04/2023 19:53

and how many friends her parter has to cut to make the wedding breakfast limit.

So you know there's no space for your friends.

Probably.

OP posts:
Sloop89 · 22/04/2023 20:29

We will pay for our daughter's weddings and yup I'll expect some input into the guest list so that our friends and family are included. It will easily be a 50k expense. Adding in a few people who have known the bride since she was a child is hardly a big ask!

Wewereonabreak88 · 22/04/2023 20:29

piedbeauty · 22/04/2023 19:10

See, I don't understand this POV at all. Aren't you close to any of your parents' friends? Didn't your parents want any of their friends to attend your wedding?

Show quote history

@piedbeauty no and no! Same on my husband's side as well. I know who some of my parents friends are but they are my parents friends, not mine. Maybe I would feel differently if I was close to them, so that might explain the different opinions.

Katela18 · 22/04/2023 20:29

Op you sound like a wonderful mother.

I married 2 years ago and we footed the whole bill but still had a few close family friends for our parents.

Just ask her, hopefully your daughter knows how incredibly lucky she is that her parents are doing this and making such a big wedding possible. They'd have to be a bit cruel to refuse you two people. I'd ask sooner rather than later though if they are trying to figure out numbers so they can factor this in.

Enjoy xx

justanotherdrama · 22/04/2023 20:31

If you pay you get a say as they say!