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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 21:03

You sound like a lovely person OP!
Normally I'd say wedding money should be given as a gift - no strings attached unless specified at the start. But in this case I say you're well within your rights to ask, especially as the groom's side have the CHEEK to take up all the space without paying for it!

My parents are paying for our wedding. They mentioned wanting to invite one or two people, which I'm fine with. Our wedding is small, only 30 guests, but I'm happy to have them. Especially as my parents asked respectfully and didn't demand. But I love and respect them and wouldn't have it any other way.

DP's family are not paying a penny and want to add people. I've put my foot down. We are strictly 50/50 guests

Ginger1982 · 22/04/2023 21:03

My mum paid for our wedding. DH and I split the invites 50/50. Out of my invites, my mum took, I think, 20 for her friends. I was totally fine with this.

iklboo · 22/04/2023 21:04

@Mum2jenny - you need to read at least OP's threads. She & her husband are paying for everything and want to invite ONE couple. Groom is taking the piss inviting loads and the happy couple seem like they're demanding / expecting every extra because daddy is paying.

OP, if the groom has a huge family they should put their hands in their pockets. You maybe pay for his parents & siblings but not all his bloody schoolmates, their partners & kids. That's just ridiculous.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Bluevelvetsofa · 22/04/2023 21:04

I paid for a wedding. I wasn’t asked if I wanted to invite anyone. The bride and groom invited who they wanted.

DueyCheatemAndHow · 22/04/2023 21:05

If you pay its only fair you get to invite some people.

SheikYerboutiii · 22/04/2023 21:06

I don’t subscribe to the “you pay you say” rule, it feels very archaic but, I can’t believe your daughter tbh. She is massively taking the piss, you’re paying for the entire thing but you don’t even know if your getting a room? Did you raise her to be this inconsiderate and grabby? It sounds like she met her soulmate though.

I think if they were as “good friends” as you’re making them out to be they would be invited but as you didn’t attach strings when you offered to pay, and you know they’re trying to cull numbers as it is you’ll have to accept the fact your besties will have to stay home that night. I don’t get why your focus of the day would be Glenda and Rodger though? It’s so weird.

Mum2jenny · 22/04/2023 21:10

ilkboo the system will do what it does, personally I do not give a fuck

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 21:10

@TetraSaurus

UK - yes.

We did discuss numbers. Have done a couple of times.

Originally 150. Then up to 180. Then it was try and keep numbers down. This is wedding breakfast. The 3 rooms booked accommodate up to 200 for the breakfast. I knew the numbers were getting out of control and I really didn't like asking my daughter to try and trim it back. Of course it's her partner who has to make the cut backs.

We don't know a rough estimate now - we know they're trying to cut back, which is when his parents were asking for family to be put above his friends.

It has caused some bad feeling on some level - we won't know true numbers until the invites go out and the rsvps come back next year. The save the dates haven't gone out yet.

OP posts:
Nottamug · 22/04/2023 21:13

caffelattetogo · 22/04/2023 21:02

We asked both sets of parents to invite a table of friends. It was a big life event for them as well as for us. We were glad to have them there.

Yes that is what we did for our parents…they had happy memories, surely that is what anyone would want 🤷‍♀️

Glasshalffullorempty · 22/04/2023 21:15

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche of course he is ‘lovely’ and you socialise 2with his family regularly, they saw you coming a mile off.

As I say, I have CF in-laws who would drain the cash whilst feeling entitled to do so and therefore lose basic manners (which is what has happened here as your in laws are fighting over how much of your cash they should be able to spunk), I can promise you this is just the start.

I know you won’t want to have a fight now, especially as it’s so close to the wedding but make sure the in laws know it’s not happening again or soon you’ll paying for much, much more.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 22/04/2023 21:22

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:55

No - they are doing their own invites.

Show quote history

I hope you get a credit. It would be bloody cheeky of them to give the impression that they are the hosts.

Scout2016 · 22/04/2023 21:30

Just ask your daughter. So far it's 24 guests her side and 126 and rising on his, so 2 of your choice isn't unreasonable. Buy it's probably not occurred to your daughter to invite them so maybe just ask -"are you planning on inviting x and y?"

TetraSaurus · 22/04/2023 21:30

@SheikYerboutiii
I don’t subscribe to the “you pay you say” rule, it feels very archaic

Surely having your parents pay for your wedding is equally archaic though!

DoraSpenlow · 22/04/2023 21:33

We were very touched a couple of years ago when the groom, our friends' son, came to find us standing at the back of the church to say that he had reserved us some seats with the family at the front. The bride's parents paid for everything and we thought a lovely touch. We had known the groom all his life.

RampantIvy · 22/04/2023 21:34

TetraSaurus · 22/04/2023 21:30

@SheikYerboutiii
I don’t subscribe to the “you pay you say” rule, it feels very archaic

Surely having your parents pay for your wedding is equally archaic though!

So, you think it is OK for the in laws to take the piss and think they have free rein on who they want to invite and how many they want to invite?

TBH, if it is only two friends I think it is perfectly reasonable for the OP to invite them.

Scout2016 · 22/04/2023 21:35

Or ask one of her siblings - "do you know if (daughter) is planning to invite x and y?" If my parents were coughing up for my sister's wedding extravaganza I'd happily stick my oar in and tell her to invite them.

TetraSaurus · 22/04/2023 21:39

OP
Originally 150. Then up to 180. Then it was try and keep numbers down. This is wedding breakfast. The 3 rooms booked accommodate up to 200 for the breakfast. I knew the numbers were getting out of control and I really didn't like asking my daughter to try and trim it back. Of course it's her partner who has to make the cut backs

It sounds like you don't have a close relationship with your daughter. Is she usually selfish and thoughtless.

Is this going to put any financial strain on you? I guess if you have plenty of money then it less of an issue. However, if it was me, it wouldn't matter how wealthy I was I would still feel angry and disappointed at her behaviour. She sounds like a massive bridezilla.

JulesJules · 22/04/2023 21:47

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 20:26

OP I think people have lost their minds. 2 people. TWO out of 300. It is completely reasonable that you would have close family friends who your dd knows very very well to spend time with at the wedding you are paying for.
People suggesting you are wanting a knees up with ALL YOUR MATES or that you are a tyrant wanting to control things or give gifts with string are verging on insane. TWO people. You absolutely should ask that they are invited. To keep you company if nothing else. Is absolutely your RIGHT to have an enjoyable time considering you are paying for the whole event and if two people will make it a relaxed and enjoyable experience and not just an event you are s random guest at then your dd would be rude not to

This! I can't believe some of the responses on this thread, are you all mad?

TolkiensFallow · 22/04/2023 21:52

I think given the huge number of guests and the fact you are paying, it’s not unreasonable to ask if you can have 2 friends attend.

AutumnCrow · 22/04/2023 21:52

Imagine the alternative AIBU. 'AIBU to be paying £25k for my daughter's wedding and 90% of the guests are from the groom's side, and I'm too nervous to ask about our two dear family friends being given invitations?'

I think this thread is either (a) mad, or (b) twenty socks talking to each other.

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 22/04/2023 21:52

If you’re paying, then traditionally, you’re hosting. And the hosts compose the guest list. So of course you can invite family friends.

RampantIvy · 22/04/2023 21:53

AutumnCrow · 22/04/2023 21:52

Imagine the alternative AIBU. 'AIBU to be paying £25k for my daughter's wedding and 90% of the guests are from the groom's side, and I'm too nervous to ask about our two dear family friends being given invitations?'

I think this thread is either (a) mad, or (b) twenty socks talking to each other.

I think most of the silly replies are from posters who haven't bothered reading the OP's updates.

BackOfTheMum5net · 22/04/2023 21:55

If they wanted your friends there, they would have invited them. You might think Auntie So and So is meaningful to them, but clearly they don’t.

sewerrat · 22/04/2023 21:59

not really. its not your wedding, and if those friends are such big parts of your life you'd think your dc would have already invited them.

HollyGolightly4 · 22/04/2023 22:03

Please just ask!!

My MiL was upset afterwards - she'd never mentioned anything in the run up to the wedding we'd been planning for 3.5 years!!!