Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

It clearly states in the opening post that the OP is paying for the wedding....

We had at least 10 couples that were friends of my parents. Fell out with my Dad because he wanted his old friends from work (that I hadn't met!). We had 70 people all in so smallish wedding and I thought about 20 of their closest friends was pretty good!

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche @DoughnutDreams does have a point. Do you know if the 150 ‘friends’ are his, or theirs, or friends of his parents? If it’s not people your daughter knows well, it is taking the piss that you are expected to roll out the dosh for them in such an uneven manner.

What’s his family like? My DH has a very different attitude to my parents - he knows that my family’s money is nothing to do with his family. For some reason his family (given half the chance) expect my parents to fork out for them. The current one is school fees for my SIL’s kids as they know there is some financial planning going on. Not a fucking chance and if we hadn’t laid it quite clearly (hence they had guests at the wedding but not as many for example) I know there would be even more shit.

300 guests !

Parents’ friends?? Whaaaaat?? It’s not an arranged marriage you know.
You pay for it because you have more money and because it makes you happy, not to turn it into your own party.
otherwise don’t pay for it and let them do a lower key thing.

Oh for goodness sake OP, stop being such a wet lettuce and let them know.
You should have done it weeks ago. It's a huge wedding of course your two friends should be invited, but your DD won't know unless you actually tell her. They should have course asked you if you wanted to invite anyone, but sort it out now before it's too late.

How dramatic. 🙄

The op is wanting to invite two people, who have been very close family friends for 40 years, not a brigade of randos.

I would have thought you should definitely get some invites on that list in the circumstances. However - it sounds like they have discussed the list between themselves extensively already so if you haven’t already put your bid in for numbers you may be in for a shock!! You may however be pleasantly surprised as they may have already accounted for aunty and uncle so and so if they know them (as we did for our provisional list)

Our parents had zero input, but we paid ourselves (20 years ago)

So far I believe it's his massive family from both his parents and his friends and their partners and their children.

I don't know if any of his parents' friends have been invited.

I believe we're also paying for 12 rooms for overnight guests.

I'm not bothered about being allocated a room - we live an hour away from the venue. We can get a taxi home. Most of the groom's relatives are hundreds of miles away. His parents live 5 min from the venue. So we are waiting to find out who gets the complimentary accommodation.

Is the groom not embarrassed that you are paying for his wedding? Are his parents not embarrassed to be insisting on guests for a wedding they are not paying for? Never mind that it's not even their wedding.

Yes, I agree that it's a red flag. Reeks of entitlement.

DH and I were proud to pay for our own wedding.

I do think you should be able to say to your own daughter that you hope your dear friends are invited.

Yes - this couple are more like family. Our children played together in each other's houses.

When I was a child we called our parents' close friends aunty and uncle.

A day out with my mates?

Are you for real?

Technically this couple are my husband's school friends.

I have my own friends of course, my husband has many friends - I do not expect my daughter to invite any of them to her wedding.

As kind as you are to be paying for your DD wedding and not attaching any strings I do think you are entirely to have had some ground rules around the whole event that you are fully finding! It’s okay to do that when there is a fortune being spend.

If your daughter and future SIL haven’t factor in already that you have close family friends who should be invited (and we are talking two people not a whole family!) and that you should be allocated the complimentary accommodation given you are paying then frankly you have trouble ahead with their sense of entitlement. I’d be concerned if I was you.

You are being a bit of a wet blanket. Yes it’s their day and being micromanaged in terms of venue meals extras would be irritating and I appropriate but as the people funding this whole shindig you can set reasonable limits. Honestly 300 guests is massive and I assume you and DH are extremely wealthy to be funding this without any concern. He doesn’t need to invite 150 people. Second cousins? All partners and children? These things are normally reasonable. Two life long friends of brides parents who are funding whole thing seems pretty reasonable. Pls don’t let them walk all over you and your DHs generosity.

If the parents are paying they should definitely have a say in who is invited. My parents paid for most of my wedding ten years ago (inlaws paid for certain bits and we did too) and we each wrote lists of who we wanted to come and agreed it from there. My parents originally wanted more of their friends there, but the venue size was limited and when they saw we were having to make compromises on who we could invite they did too.

Of course family friends who've known the bride for years should be invited - this has been the case at most weddings I've attended.
My parents gave a generous contribution towards the cost of my wedding, though not the whole thing. We asked my parents and the groom's parents which family friends they'd like there. I think his family had about 8 friends there, apart from family, and mine had similar or maybe more. We all loved the fact that it was a big party for all ages. The groom's parents and their pals were up partying later than most of our own friends. I loved the fact that people we'd each known all our lives were there. And this was normal, and usual, just 20 years ago.
It would be very weird to have a wedding with only the bride & groom's friends, unless they were estranged from their families.

My parents paid for everything for our wedding and I therefore had no problems with them inviting friends. They probably invited 8 out of the 160 invited. I also invited my bridesmaids parents, even though I hadn't met one set of parents.

My parents also wanted extra things at the wedding, like an extra car. It didn't impact my ideas so let them get on with it.

I have had no input with regards to the guest list.

This is what my daughter has told me. When I've asked if the numbers have been finalised, she's told me that her partner's family are arguing about the best man role, how many family members each parent are inviting, and how many friends her parter has to cut to make the wedding breakfast limit.

and how many friends her parter has to cut to make the wedding breakfast limit.

So you know there's no space for your friends.

The guest list for me was the hardest thing. Our venue was cosy so we had to be quite brutal, we went over it 100 times! I made sure I sat with my parents and my future parents in law and ran through the list with them to make sure I knew who was coming and also which guests got day invites and who were evening only.
I'd suggest asking your daughter if she wants to sit and go through the guest list with her and then you can ask about the family friends. I'm very close to my parents and we had quite a few family friends at ours, but it wasn't a hesitation for me.
You have every right to ask the question especially as it sounds like it's going to be a big event. If it was a smaller wedding I'd let them just pick who they want but as it's a large event then I can't see why they would not want them there, even an evening invite. I'd certainly ask to look over the guest list and I can't see that being unreasonable as you're paying.

I probably won't mention it.

Don't know whether husband will.

Just wondering as a post this evening was discussing whether parents friends could or could not attend.

Like pp have said, traditionally the hosts (bride's parents) had some sway. But I understand that tradition is in the eye of the beholder. People use it when it suits themselves. We have our own little family traditions and our children are making their own little family traditions - that's how it should be.

We haven't insisted on being on the invites. We haven't attached strings. We haven't made demands.

Nope, they were people from work, I’d have been late teens and working by the time they became friends so no challenges to be supported through. I was a very boring teenager who caused no stress by my mums own admission. They use liked competitive social occasions.

If you were upfront about your desires when you offered them the money, and they accepted the terms, then yes of course!

But if you offered them the money and are waiting until now to tell them that there are strings attached, it might be quite annoying for them. As in, they'd have rather just paid for it themselves and had been in charge.

I have not called any shots.

Perhaps that is why the guest list is disproportionately balanced in favour of the groom ?

I think when you’re fully paying that’s a different story.