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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
Beachhutnut · 23/04/2023 11:14

We didn't. MIL asked. We said no. We were struggling for numbers. My parents paid for most of it and did not ask us to invite anyone, just left it to us. MIL understood and threw a mop up party after we got back from honeymoon.

Selttan · 23/04/2023 11:17

I don't understand why you won't just ask your daughter if your friends are invited. From reading your posts it sounds like if she says no you'll accept it.

I'd be sad to find out my parents would be afraid to ask me, especially if they are being so generous so I could have my dream wedding.

I think asking for one couple who your daughter has known for years to be invited is really a small favour to ask.

LadyEloise1 · 23/04/2023 11:25

Stop being a wimp @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche
You and your dh are being taken for a ride.
It reads like you are afraid of your daughter, afraid of the consequences if you question her decision re numbers and invites for your guests.
The groom is having a laugh at your very considerable expense.
I'd hate any of my daughters to marry such an ar*e and be so unconcerned about their loving and generous parents.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
saraclara · 23/04/2023 11:43

Yep, I'm sorry OP. But it's actually really disturbing to read just how badly you're being taken advantage of by a family that you seem to see through rose tinted glasses. I'd be appalled if my prospective son in law was so grasping and totally unconcerned about me and my own family. And I'd also be really sad that my DD was happy to just take the money, take your childcare, and not involve me in any way at all beyond the dress.

Your posts make me really sad for you.

tweener · 23/04/2023 11:57

What baffles me is you've mentioned on more than one occasion that you have a family of 12 guests and the remaining 150 guests are family and friends of the groom. I find it absolutely difficult to believe that none of these 150 friends are also friends of the bride, or joint friends. Are you honestly saying that other than 12 family members your daughter is having no friends of her own at her wedding? Or does it fit your narrative better to have 12 vs 150 to make it look so uneven?

saraclara · 23/04/2023 12:07

tweener · 23/04/2023 11:57

What baffles me is you've mentioned on more than one occasion that you have a family of 12 guests and the remaining 150 guests are family and friends of the groom. I find it absolutely difficult to believe that none of these 150 friends are also friends of the bride, or joint friends. Are you honestly saying that other than 12 family members your daughter is having no friends of her own at her wedding? Or does it fit your narrative better to have 12 vs 150 to make it look so uneven?

OP has said that about twelve are also hey daughters friends.

ParkrunPlodder · 23/04/2023 12:19

Whilst I don’t think anything you give should come with strings, I equally don’t think you should be used as a bottomless money fountain either! I certainly don’t think you should be paying for anyone’s room - just your own and staying over is part of the experience for me when a close family member gets married, even if I do live close enough to go home.
My parents gave us a very generous donation towards our wedding costs. It wasn’t expected by us and was very much appreciated. I also appreciated their input on venue etc as they’re great hosts and party planners and I wanted them to enjoy the day too - but they always stepped back and let my DH and I do any decision making. The money they gave us would have paid for a small wedding in its entirety. Anything more lavish we wanted was on us to fund. When I doubled my planned budget for my wedding dress, my parents very kindly bought that for me too! Totally unexpected and again totally appreciated.

TetraSaurus · 23/04/2023 12:19

saraclara · 23/04/2023 11:43

Yep, I'm sorry OP. But it's actually really disturbing to read just how badly you're being taken advantage of by a family that you seem to see through rose tinted glasses. I'd be appalled if my prospective son in law was so grasping and totally unconcerned about me and my own family. And I'd also be really sad that my DD was happy to just take the money, take your childcare, and not involve me in any way at all beyond the dress.

Your posts make me really sad for you.

To be fair to the grooms family you can't know what they've been told by the OPs daughter. She may be encouraging them to invite who they want and be telling them that her parents want her to have a the wedding of her dreams.

The OPs husband paid for the other daughter to have a loft extension last year so maybe the daughter is thinking that she can spend a similar amount?? Who knows what's going on and what the bride and groom are thinking. The OP certainly doesn't 😭😭😭😭

(Although it's still strange that a quiet and reserved person wants a wedding with 300 at the evening do and 180/200 who knows! for the full day)

Gothambutnotahamster · 23/04/2023 12:23

Selttan · 23/04/2023 11:17

I don't understand why you won't just ask your daughter if your friends are invited. From reading your posts it sounds like if she says no you'll accept it.

I'd be sad to find out my parents would be afraid to ask me, especially if they are being so generous so I could have my dream wedding.

I think asking for one couple who your daughter has known for years to be invited is really a small favour to ask.

I agree & from what you describe Op, I'd be surprised if they weren't already on the invitation list.

rookiemere · 23/04/2023 12:24

@Gothambutnotahamster Really ? I'd eat my hat if the OPs friends have made it on to the list, apart from anything else the DD would haven't mentioned it by now.

Xarrie · 23/04/2023 12:28

I've changed my mind. This is going to cost about 100k. I think she can squeeze your mates in.

Gothambutnotahamster · 23/04/2023 12:29

Do you think @rookiemere? I had included some of my parents friends in my guest list & assumed my parents knew they'd be invited so was surprised when my mum asked if they could come. To me, it went without saying as they were like family, so I've assumed perhaps the DD is the same. I'd at least give her the benefit of the doubt & would definitely ask.

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 23/04/2023 12:35

If you’re paying for the wedding you def get a say in who is invited. My mother paid for mine and I invited who she wanted. Really I also think that it should be traditional invitations with your name inviting the guests as well.

saraclara · 23/04/2023 12:36

I've just looked back at the title of this thread.

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

Well the groom's parents clearly ARE having their say, so anyone posting that the parents who are paying multiple tens of thousands for this event shouldn't have any say, are being vastly unreasonable.

wyntersuhn · 23/04/2023 12:42

Perfectly normal for friends of the parents who are well known to the bride/groom to be invited. Not normal for Doris from MIL's weekly Bridge group, who has never met the Bride/Groom to be invited. You invite guests to witness your marriage, so you want to have met the witnesses before! If the Bride's parents are completely footing the bill, it would be so rude for the couple to not invite a few family friends. For what it's worth, it sounds like an extravagant wedding!

lljkk · 23/04/2023 12:44

imho, pretty awful not to let a paying parent invite a lot of people they care about. Not carte blanche, but definitely should get at least some of their preferred invitees in.

Anyone heard about the lawsuit, scandal related to this topic, Brooklyn Beckham's wedding?

Groom & I chose the venue, dress, colour scheme, ceremony structure, flowers, music, cake, food, emcees, wedding night hotel, honeymoon location ... Plenty of other decisions to make.

Tourmalines · 23/04/2023 13:27

saraclara · 23/04/2023 12:36

I've just looked back at the title of this thread.

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

Well the groom's parents clearly ARE having their say, so anyone posting that the parents who are paying multiple tens of thousands for this event shouldn't have any say, are being vastly unreasonable.

Yep. In this case they most certainly do have a fucking say.

Bansheed · 23/04/2023 13:33

Why do a few posters insist that it is for 300. OP clearly stated 200, trimming to 180.

12 of her family members and half a dozen of the daughter's mates with ther partners families.

150+ from the groom..

TetraSaurus · 23/04/2023 13:41

Bansheed · 23/04/2023 13:33

Why do a few posters insist that it is for 300. OP clearly stated 200, trimming to 180.

12 of her family members and half a dozen of the daughter's mates with ther partners families.

150+ from the groom..

180 day time but evening will be 'huge'

Quote from OP
Yes - this venue is three rooms, 300 guests. The venue splits the rooms for different sized packages. They specifically chose this date so they could have all three rooms. So we're expecting the evening event to be huge.

labamba007 · 23/04/2023 14:04

This can't be real 😂

You're not bothered about a room? The groom has 90% of the guests and you're worried about two friends going. Just say to your daughter 'oh it would mean so much if x and y came too.'

And if your daughter has a problem with that then I really wouldn't be spending a penny on a wedding.

GettingThereCharleyBear · 23/04/2023 14:10

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche are the in laws not paying anything????? Wow! That’s insane. I’m sooooo bloody glad I don’t have daughters - I’d be livid to expect to pay for 300 guests I don’t know and not one of my friends.

And to all those on the thread saying it’s their day, how ridiculous! You can’t pick and choose which old fashioned bollocks you accept. If you still want mummy and daddy to pay then mummy and daddy dictate the guest list 🙄x

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 14:17

Well, I wouldn't put it as far as dictating the guest list but I would certainly want a say in it and also put a cap on numbers.

LlynTegid · 23/04/2023 14:20

Ask them. Even if there was no issue about the groom's family, saying you'd like a lifelong friend of the family to be there is perfectly reasonable.

danesch · 23/04/2023 15:07

Selttan · 23/04/2023 11:17

I don't understand why you won't just ask your daughter if your friends are invited. From reading your posts it sounds like if she says no you'll accept it.

I'd be sad to find out my parents would be afraid to ask me, especially if they are being so generous so I could have my dream wedding.

I think asking for one couple who your daughter has known for years to be invited is really a small favour to ask.

This sums it up perfectly I think.

FWIW, my opinion is that in the circumstances you've described, it doesn't sound like a big or unreasonable demand. I think the lack of communication is the problem.

My in-laws paid for SIL's wedding. They said at the outset, when they offered the money, that they would like to invite several of their (family) friends. It was a large-ish, traditional wedding and SIL/BIL were fine with doing so.

DH and I had a very small wedding ceremony and a party afterwards (we did invite the extended family to the party, but some chose not to attend). Both sets of parents made a contribution to our wedding/honeymoon, which we appreciated, but would not have accepted if it had come with stipulations about what they wanted to happen because we had clear ideas about what level of 'wedding-ness' we could both cope with.

I can't see what you have to lose by asking.

Laiste · 23/04/2023 15:38

If you're still reading OP -

As i understand it your DH has had a massive health scare and in the aftermath of that he is throwing his money around. He deposited a large amount of money in your DDs account labelled ''Wedding''. With a promise for more if it spirals further ...

Can you both genuinely easily afford this? It's a really important point.

Secondly - wouldn't it have been more mature of your DD to have said to her fiance ''Look Fiance, dad has given me X for our wedding! It's a massive amount of money. I know he wants to pay, but i don't feel we should splurge every single penny of it, and also i think we should keep the numbers reasonably equal on both sides so that dad isn't paying for a day for (literally) hundreds of your friends and relatives''.

And if i was the fiance i'd say ''Yes, bloody hell, that's so generous! There's no way i'll let there be 4 times more of us than you lot when your dad's footing the bill. Especially after this health scare. It feels like he's not quite his self right now''.

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