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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
saraclara · 23/04/2023 09:18

Are the grooom's family aware of the absolutely HUGE imabalance in favour of them and their friends? Do they know that the bride's invitations are significantly less than 10% of the total with them taking ALL the rest?

I'd be absolutely mortified to know that, in their position. This whole thing is barking mad. I know you think they're all wonderful people, but if they know that you're funding the whole thing, and dont care about the imbalance, they're really not.

MargotBamborough · 23/04/2023 09:18

Next time the groom's mum tries to guilt trip him about second cousins, he needs to say, "Mum, you do realise that my future in laws, who are paying for this entire wedding, are only inviting twelve people from their side?"

knittingaddict · 23/04/2023 09:28

We paid for a good portion of our daughter's wedding. The only family friends who were invited were people with children who my daughter had known forever and grew up with. She considered the now adult children her friends too and she was close to the parents. I would never consider adding our friends who the bride hardly knows to the guest list.

If the parents don't contribute then they get no say at all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
ParkrunPlodder · 23/04/2023 09:29

I don’t think paying means you get a say personally! My parents wedding was impacted by really bad entitled behaviour from my grandparents - so when my parents kindly gave us money towards our wedding, their one “string” was to give us the advice to try not to invite anyone for the sake of it. We did invite some of their closest friends who I’d known all my life because I wanted them there. And I did take my parents opinion into consideration - a couple of them were my Dad’s friends rather than joint so my Mum felt a little funny having them their all day so my Dad suggested just inviting them for the evening. Not what I would have chosen as I wanted to just have all day guests but I appreciated that it was a good compromise and went with it. My parents left it as my choice though.

ParkrunPlodder · 23/04/2023 09:30

My parents never got to plan a wedding as their parents planned theirs and my siblings and I planned ours. My parents accepted that times had changed. They hated having their wedding arranged for them so coped!

ilovewispas · 23/04/2023 09:31

Op - are you in a financial position for your DH to spend like he is? If so, then obviously that's lovely. But, can you really afford this without it impacting your future?

And to answer the original question, of course you can ask to add 2 people when you are paying for the whole thing? If your daughter or husband mind, then they are incredibly ungrateful and unreasonable!

knittingaddict · 23/04/2023 09:35

Also we paid for the food and drink and lots of other things.

We didn't choose the food or go to the food tasting. It wasn't our choice to make. Some minor input into the wine because the bride and groom couldn't decide. That was it.

Paying for some items when your child gets married doesn't mean you get control over what happens. A few on here seem to think it does.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 23/04/2023 09:46

knittingaddict · 23/04/2023 09:35

Also we paid for the food and drink and lots of other things.

We didn't choose the food or go to the food tasting. It wasn't our choice to make. Some minor input into the wine because the bride and groom couldn't decide. That was it.

Paying for some items when your child gets married doesn't mean you get control over what happens. A few on here seem to think it does.

Did you miss the part where OP and her DH are paying in full for 150 of their soon-to-be son-in-law's nearest and dearest with only a dozen guests on 'their' side?

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/04/2023 09:47

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 19:39

So far I believe it's his massive family from both his parents and his friends and their partners and their children.

I don't know if any of his parents' friends have been invited.

I believe we're also paying for 12 rooms for overnight guests.

I'm not bothered about being allocated a room - we live an hour away from the venue. We can get a taxi home. Most of the groom's relatives are hundreds of miles away. His parents live 5 min from the venue. So we are waiting to find out who gets the complimentary accommodation.

Show quote history

I'm staggered by this thread. I cannot believe that anyone is simultaneously this passive and this profligate in real life.

You and your DH are being absolutely rinsed by your future in-laws, OP. Please wake up.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/04/2023 09:56

If you're not paying you don't get a say.

As you ARE paying -which is unusual now - then I think you can ask and it would be right of them to allow a few pals.

MillieMollieMandy1 · 23/04/2023 10:02

We have been invited to a couple of weddings as 'friends of Mum and Dad. We knew the parents (who are busy with the event) and the bride and her siblings but not much more. You find yourself sitting on a table near the car park with someone's elderly relative... its not great fun ..

Bibbitybobbitty · 23/04/2023 10:02

If you're paying for the wedding then of course you get a say. My parents invited a few close friends to full day (those I'd known since a child & called aunts/uncles) they also invited a few more to the evening only. I did know them all & DH had met several times. As long as it's not a small event then shouldnt be an issue. Different if they are paying for own wedding. You do need to discuss this now though!

PippaF2 · 23/04/2023 10:03

Do you specifically know that you are paying for the whole thing?

If you just transferred a lump sum, it could be that the grooms side also did?

The average UK wedding costs £20k. But it doesn't sound like she's having an 'average' wedding.

Bansheed · 23/04/2023 10:07

Ragwort · 22/04/2023 22:11

Are people actually reading the thread? The OP and her DH are paying for 300 wedding guests and the DD and future SIL aren't allowing them to even invite a couple of their own friends. There are 12 from the bride's 'side' and all the others are from the groom's side.

Your DD and future SIL are treating you horrendously when you are clearly being extremely generous. Is your DD an only DC? I hope you won't have to fork out for anymore weddings. Some of the comments on this thread are absolutely batshit and shriek of entitled bridezillas.

Sorry, but they are at 200 and trying to whittle down to 180.

Bride's family 12. Bride"s friends 6, but some have partners and children.

So, Bride: max 36, Groom: min 150

I find the Groom's family's approach very odd. Is there a cultural aspect that I am missing?

Isthisreasonable · 23/04/2023 10:21

I think they people saying it's weird for the parents to want their friends there don't understand how much weddings have changed over the last 20 yrs. When my parents married, it was normal for the parents to pay, organise everything and control the guest list. My grandparents would not recognise much about a modern wedding, the focus was much more on family and not trying to be unique. The wedding industry was nothing like it is today.

My parents fully expected to have the opportunity to host my wedding in the way their parents did so that they finally got to organise a wedding their way. I do feel for their generation as they missed out (some may think they had a lucky escape) on having any say in a wedding.

Given the imbalance in guest numbers I think the OP should be able to invite some guests, especially as they are paying.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 23/04/2023 10:25

Surely if you're close to DD you can say "Have you thought about inviting Sue and Dave?" It doesn't have to be a demand, or a string, you can just have a conversation with your daughter Confused

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 23/04/2023 10:34

I'm passive as I am aware that I'm not able to dictate who attends. I don't have an opinion on food and drinks or entertainment or music.

So far I've been present when the dress was chosen and 'liked' a couple of colour schemes. That's it.

We haven't asked for receipts.

I was going to ask her today if the save the dates had been sent out but she hasn't responded to any messages this morning - she was ill yesterday. Her daughter started nursery last week and we joked that they would be ill by the end of the week.

I do feel though, from responses here, that it's none of my business to ask what the rough total of guests will be. The vast majority of his (future son in law) family will have a huge distance to travel and need accommodation (possibly two nights) so maybe not every invitee will be able to attend. The invites don't go out until after Christmas. I'm not sure that any relatives relegated to the evening event will bother to make the trip. I think he's prioritising his friends more than family because he sees only certain members of family probably less than once a year. Both his parents have lots of brothers and sisters, therefore there are lots of cousins and the cousins have children with a wide range of ages. Some of his cousins have grandchildren.

We'll have to see - I wasn't that worried before this thread, but now I feel really bad.

OP posts:
Xarrie · 23/04/2023 10:36

No you don't.

Nottamug · 23/04/2023 10:38

Crimsonripple · 23/04/2023 09:05

I think your daughter and future SIL are taking the piss with your generosity. All that entertainment....it's easy to be flash when you're not the one fitting the bill! I think inviting your close friends is actually the respectful and decent thing to do. I'm surprised they weren't already on the guest list. Your daughter is coming across very selfish!

Agree …OP you really do need to assert yourselves !

Survey99 · 23/04/2023 10:39

Jeez, I really dont get this modern "pay up and shut up". It is entitled, rude and disrespectful. And I hope my dc, or their OH doesn't turn out that way.

When it comes to my dc getting married if I am handing out significant amounts of money it will be for something I agree with. I am not demanding or controlling and wouldnt get involved at all in the bulk of it but if they decide, for example, to have a wedding 5 hours away in the arse end of nowhere with no easy commute that guests will struggle to get to they can pay for it themselves.

I dont think it is unreasonable at all to be involved in the location of the venue and have some guest requests before committing thousands of my pounds. The rest is all down to the couple.

Glasshalffullorempty · 23/04/2023 10:45

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche you haven’t answered anything around what your future son in law or family are adding to this equation at all. Can you shed any light on this? It might make it seem a bit less like CF behaviour then. And I don’t mean that he’s ‘lovely’ or a top bloke.

saraclara · 23/04/2023 11:04

Why are you paying for his family's hotel rooms? That's insane!

Seriously, you and your DH need to start putting a limit on things. Hopefully you DH will live a nice normal long life, but if he's spending as if he won't surely he should be ensuring your financial security instead of paying for a bunch of freeloaders to have their hotel paid for.

When my DH was terminally ill, he worried about spending on himself is generally being extravagant, because he wanted to know me to have enough to live comfortably (and help our DDs to a degree) when he'd gone.

saraclara · 23/04/2023 11:06

I do feel though, from responses here, that it's none of my business to ask what the rough total of guests will be.

Then you're focusing on the wrong posts, @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche . There are lots of us saying the opposite. You are being far too passive here.

rookiemere · 23/04/2023 11:07

When our DPs paid, I wanted them to feel they were involved in the decision making. DM actually designed the invites so knew who was on the guest list.

If anyone is being impolite here it's the DD, happy to take the dosh but not prepared to extend usual social niceties expected as a result of that, because grooms family has muscled in.

I must admit, I'm finding this thread so frustrating.The thought of OP and her DH sitting at home, wringing their hands and hoping that some of the grooms third cousins DCs can't attend so they might possibly suggest that their dearest friends ( all 2 of them) might be allowed to attend, is very Uriah Heapish.

TetraSaurus · 23/04/2023 11:08

I find the Groom's family's approach very odd. Is there a cultural aspect that I am missing

I was wondering that too. Wedding are a far bigger deal in some cultures than some. In some cultures it's normal to have huge weddings.

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