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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 23/04/2023 07:05

Floralnomad · 22/04/2023 17:55

If the parents are paying then they get a say , if the couple are paying they invite who they want .

This. Of course you can’t then dictate who comes, but you’d have more of a say.

WandaWonder · 23/04/2023 07:10

It is nice for parents to have a say because they are parents (IL) of a couple getting married, but unless guests actually knows the couple I think it's odd to want to go to a wedding of couple you have no really connection too (if this is the case)

I don't like the line 'I am paying so have a say' that is rude to me pay or don't

Glasshalffullorempty · 23/04/2023 07:23

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I can promise you they won't be giving an extravagant gift. They aren't interested in coughing up any of their own cash. It will all be cased in: "Oh we didn't think we could compete" or "We just didn't know what to do considering you had been so generous".

They see a gravy train and they are now firmly on it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
caringcarer · 23/04/2023 07:24

You need to ask your dd quickly, so she can tell her fiancee to cut a couple more second cousins.

Bansheed · 23/04/2023 07:27

It is interesting that the ILs are comfortable with their demands for the wedding, but you are not. Also, that your DD and FsiL are accepting of that.

I would say broach it. And quickly. Also point out that your side accounts for 15% of the guest list.. max. And the ILs have not offered to contribute anything.

Beezknees · 23/04/2023 07:33

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 07:02

@Beezknees, given that the bride and groom are inviting all and sundry with numbers getting out of control - did you read all the OP's updates? I think being able to invite two of their friends is perfectly appropriate.

I did, I still think it's strange. It's someone else's wedding, not theirs.

Poppyblush · 23/04/2023 07:38

You’re being a bit niave. Have you not out any limit on the money? Would you not prefer to fund your dd an amazing honeymoon instead of paying for 280 people you don’t know? It feels like you’re being taken for a ride.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 23/04/2023 08:00

OP’s updates are terribly sad. I hope this doesn’t all end in tears.

vdbfamily · 23/04/2023 08:02

Excited101 · 22/04/2023 18:14

I think it’s really odd when the parents pay and then think they can invite all their friends. If you don’t want to pay for them to have the day they want, don’t offer! Presumably if your friends are that relevant to the bridge/groom then they would be invited anyway. If they’re not, why should they be there celebrating the union of 2 people they don’t even know- the whole thing is really weird! If you want a party for your friends then have one, don’t take over your daughters wedding to do so.

It is not odd at all. The tradition is that the parents of the bride throw a wedding party and invite who they like. The bride and groom are supposed to receive invitations too.
If you want to have total say in who comes to your wedding, you pay for your wedding and do whatever you like.
You can't have it both ways.

Flossflower · 23/04/2023 08:05

I originally thought you were unreasonable to ask, but after reading your updates, I think you should. I can’t get over the grooms parents making requests without contributing. Unless the groom shares the same music tastes as his father, I think his father is way out of line wanting his choices there.

rookiemere · 23/04/2023 08:06

I'm going to try this another way.

Your DD does not - presumably- want her DF to be sad on her wedding day, which he will be if your friends are not invited.

It is not polite for DPs to dictate the guest list, but it is normal and polite for marrying DCs to ask their DPs ( particularly when they are paying) if there is anyone special they would like to invite to the celebration.

Your DD has been a bit remiss in not checking with you - probably overwhelmed by the demands of her ILs to be.

Please give her the chance to rectify this by talking to her. It is two people in a cast of hundreds. Don't mention you are paying or how many guests there will be on the grooms side, just say how much it will mean to her DF.

MargotBamborough · 23/04/2023 08:09

Very reasonable to want a few of your friends there, but not so many that it becomes your party rather than the bride and groom's.

mumonthehill · 23/04/2023 08:13

I have been thinking about this recently as ds in a serious relationship. We have family friends that have been part of ds growing up and i know I would like them to be part of his day, they have known and cared about him. It would sadden me if they did not share this milestone with him and us but am aware too that it is not my day and they may choose to not have them there.

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 23/04/2023 08:21

MargotBamborough · 23/04/2023 08:09

Very reasonable to want a few of your friends there, but not so many that it becomes your party rather than the bride and groom's.

It’s TWO people!!!

Old family friends whom the bride has known since early childhood.

FFS people might just exercise their power of comprehension.

luckylavender · 23/04/2023 08:26

So typically Mumsnet. In all real life circumstances with these conditions, of course the friends would be invited even if the parents weren't paying. It's one couple who the bride knows well.

Easterbunnywashere · 23/04/2023 08:27

Traditionally, a wedding was always hosted by the bride's parents. The invites were sent by the bride's parents and they chose who to invite. This has now been abandoned in all but the most traditional families and the bride and groom are the hosts in most modern weddings.

My own wedding was paid for entirely by my parents which was completely normal for my generation. They decided the guest list with input from me so I had a few friends, but it was more extended family and quite a lot of my parent's long-standing friends who I knew well. Weddings used to be much more about family, less about current friendships. The invites always started with "Mr and Mrs DF and DM invite..." - so the invititations were clearly from the bride's parents.

For my DD, we hosted the wedding at home, my DD and SiL paid for the food. We split most of the other costs between us. We therefore negotiated the guest list between us without any major issues as most of my friends had been in my DD's life for a long time. I think in the end I had 8 friends, but that included my DCs godparents so obviously they would be invited anyway. Of the others, I would say only one couple was less known to them. The invites came from the couple, not the bride's parents. This is a huge change within one generation and still seems to cause confusion on MN.

I think couples need to respect parent's wishes to invite a couple of friends providing they know them fairly well, but parents should also be mindful of costs and offer to at least cover the costs of any guests they choose.

MargotBamborough · 23/04/2023 08:30

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 23/04/2023 08:21

It’s TWO people!!!

Old family friends whom the bride has known since early childhood.

FFS people might just exercise their power of comprehension.

Show quote history

If it's only one couple and the OP and her husband are paying for the whole thing than of course they should be invited. But the OP should make that clear now, before the guest list is finalised.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 23/04/2023 08:31

This is why we paid for our wedding, we didn’t have to invite people we didn’t want there.

We were offered money then told “then you can invite cousins and wives and their (adult) kids!” Oh deep joy yes I’ll spend another £800 and mess the room layout up on people who don’t bother with us unless they want something 🤪

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 23/04/2023 08:36

Easterbunnywashere · 23/04/2023 08:27

Traditionally, a wedding was always hosted by the bride's parents. The invites were sent by the bride's parents and they chose who to invite. This has now been abandoned in all but the most traditional families and the bride and groom are the hosts in most modern weddings.

My own wedding was paid for entirely by my parents which was completely normal for my generation. They decided the guest list with input from me so I had a few friends, but it was more extended family and quite a lot of my parent's long-standing friends who I knew well. Weddings used to be much more about family, less about current friendships. The invites always started with "Mr and Mrs DF and DM invite..." - so the invititations were clearly from the bride's parents.

For my DD, we hosted the wedding at home, my DD and SiL paid for the food. We split most of the other costs between us. We therefore negotiated the guest list between us without any major issues as most of my friends had been in my DD's life for a long time. I think in the end I had 8 friends, but that included my DCs godparents so obviously they would be invited anyway. Of the others, I would say only one couple was less known to them. The invites came from the couple, not the bride's parents. This is a huge change within one generation and still seems to cause confusion on MN.

I think couples need to respect parent's wishes to invite a couple of friends providing they know them fairly well, but parents should also be mindful of costs and offer to at least cover the costs of any guests they choose.

I agree with everything you have said but it's important to add that 'hosting' in these cases was synonymous with 'paying for everything'. OP and her DH are funding this entire wedding. If her DD and fiancé send out invitations from themselves as the hosts then they are simply cosplaying as people who can afford to spend £30k on a party for their friends.

MargotBamborough · 23/04/2023 09:02

By the way OP, I don't think it is usual for the bride's parents to pay for the whole wedding anymore, especially when most of the guest list is from the groom's side.

The way I see it, there are two questions that need to be asked.

  1. Is there a hard limit on numbers at the venue?
  1. Do they actually want to invite all of the groom's extended family?

If the answer to the first question is yes, that simplifies matters. They take the total number of people, subtract the bride's family and friends (including the couple you want to invite) and then the number that is left is the number of places available for the groom's family and friends. If choices then have to be made, he explains to his family that his hands are tied by the venue capacity and not everyone can be invited.

If the answer to the first question is no and the answer to the second question is yes, but there is a budget constraint (which there should be), then the bride and groom, in consultation with you and your husband, decide how many guests the current budget allows for. Then the groom tells his parents that they would like to invite all these extra family member, but it's not currently affordable unless they put their hands in their pockets and contribute financially.

If the answer to both questions is no, the groom needs to grow some balls and tell his family that since they're not the ones getting married or the ones paying for the wedding, they don't get to dictate the guest list.

Did you and your husband set a hard budget for this wedding, OP? Because if you said, "Here's £20k to pay for your wedding" and they're organising it how they want, then provided you get to invite your two friends which I think is reasonable, it's fine to take a hands off approach. If they're planning a wedding for, what, 200 guests (?!) out of the budget you've given them, that's a choice they've made.

But if you just said, "We'll pay for your wedding, just send us the bills" and the groom and his family want to invite a much bigger number of guests from his side than there will be on the bride's, have not offered to contribute to the costs and are now arguing over how many people can come to a party you are paying for and they aren't, that's really not on and they are abusing your generosity.

MargotBamborough · 23/04/2023 09:05

But as I said before, it sounds like you need to say NOW, "By the way, I don't know if Pete and Jenny are already on your list but we would like them to be included. Given that the guest list on your side is much smaller than on his, we don't anticipate this being a problem."

Crimsonripple · 23/04/2023 09:05

I think your daughter and future SIL are taking the piss with your generosity. All that entertainment....it's easy to be flash when you're not the one fitting the bill! I think inviting your close friends is actually the respectful and decent thing to do. I'm surprised they weren't already on the guest list. Your daughter is coming across very selfish!

hopeishere · 23/04/2023 09:13

So they've booked a venue for 200 for the meal (no one calls it a breakfast any more unless they are actually having it at breakfast??) and they have a draft list of invites that they are trying to trim down and you've not seen the draft?

I'd just ask to see it.

MargotBamborough · 23/04/2023 09:14

Wait, just read all OP's posts.

This is about the groom's SECOND COUSINS?

And you're paying for 12 ROOMS for overnight guests?

And you haven't set a hard budget?

JFC OP, you and your husband sound like lovely people but also kind of like mugs, I'm sorry to say.

I think you need to make it clear that your friends will be invited, that the final budget for this wedding is £X and the couple will need to make up any shortfall from their own resources.

Make that clear BEFORE the guest list is finalised, otherwise you can expect this thing to cost many thousands more than you have already allowed for.

It's up to the groom to tell his family, who are getting a massive party at your expense, to wind their necks in and be grateful.

Zelda93 · 23/04/2023 09:16

My mum asked me to invite her friends and I said no .. I had limited space and I knew them well but it was my wedding and I wanted my friends .. this was also the reason I decided to get married 3 hrs away as I knew it would put my parents off insisting on inviting certain people. My sister had a local wedding and I remember hers having lots of my parents friends there .. but not at my wedding!