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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
HollyGolightly4 · 22/04/2023 22:05

HollyGolightly4 · 22/04/2023 22:03

Please just ask!!

My MiL was upset afterwards - she'd never mentioned anything in the run up to the wedding we'd been planning for 3.5 years!!!

Forgot to finish- we'd have been fine inviting some of her friends. They're not our friends, so they weren't on our list, but they've been around enough it wasn't a problem.

However, not mind readers!

Bobshhh · 22/04/2023 22:09

I invited my parents friends to my wedding because they are great people and I’ve known them since I was a child. I checked with my parents who should be on the list though and they picked a top 10!

we asked my husband’s parents if they wanted anyone and they were shocked they’d have any friends there and declined.

Ragwort · 22/04/2023 22:11

Are people actually reading the thread? The OP and her DH are paying for 300 wedding guests and the DD and future SIL aren't allowing them to even invite a couple of their own friends. There are 12 from the bride's 'side' and all the others are from the groom's side.

Your DD and future SIL are treating you horrendously when you are clearly being extremely generous. Is your DD an only DC? I hope you won't have to fork out for anymore weddings. Some of the comments on this thread are absolutely batshit and shriek of entitled bridezillas.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
TetraSaurus · 22/04/2023 22:25

OP, are you the same poster that does lots of childcare for your daughters? It's crazy that you are so involved with their lives but not able to talk about this.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 22:30

TetraSaurus · 22/04/2023 21:39

OP
Originally 150. Then up to 180. Then it was try and keep numbers down. This is wedding breakfast. The 3 rooms booked accommodate up to 200 for the breakfast. I knew the numbers were getting out of control and I really didn't like asking my daughter to try and trim it back. Of course it's her partner who has to make the cut backs

It sounds like you don't have a close relationship with your daughter. Is she usually selfish and thoughtless.

Is this going to put any financial strain on you? I guess if you have plenty of money then it less of an issue. However, if it was me, it wouldn't matter how wealthy I was I would still feel angry and disappointed at her behaviour. She sounds like a massive bridezilla.

My daughter has half a dozen friends and their partners/families invited, along with our small family of 12.

It's the grooms side that's invited the rest.

We didn't really want to have to tell her to ask him to try to keep it down.

I don't think she's behaving like bridezilla? She's booked things that she's seen at weddings she's been to in the last few years.

We had a very low key wedding dress purchase - future MIL and I. The lady who was helping her to try dresses on was telling us it was a pleasure to have so few people at a 'tryout' as there's usually lots of family and friends there and it can get loud and similar in atmosphere to a hen do.

She wants to do a painting or pottery class for her own hen do.

She's quiet and reserved. We are very close - as I am to my older daughter. She didn't expect we would pay for her wedding. She got engaged last year and said that they were hoping to get married in 2024 on the anniversary of when they met which was March 2016.

She had no idea we were paying until an amount of money turned up in her bank account, referenced 'Wedding'.

My husband had a bit of a health scare and is now living like there's no tomorrow (kind of). I think it will be a dream come true for him to walk his daughter down the aisle considering I was planning his funeral this time last year.

He paid for our older daughter to have a loft conversion last year and has splashed out on various other bits and pieces.

It's all a bit emotive - but my husband is more than happy to oblige. He's convinced he's living on borrowed time.

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 22/04/2023 22:33

You are being incredibly generous but I think you must mention it. You almost sound scared to broach anything especially when you describe how numbers have grown, without reference to you or the budget, which is a huge liberty.

Your DD sounds as if she’s caught up in the drama of the IL debates over who does what and who attends, and seems to have overlooked you.

I would expect you to have one of the hotel rooms as well and for that to be a given, so mention that too while you’re at it.

Has anyone acknowledged your generosity or are you viewed as a bit of a gravy train by the SIL, his family and your DD?

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 22:41

Oh for goodness sake, with your latest update, just spit it out.
They didn't ask for the wedding to be paid for, so that alters thing slightly, but yes it's genuinely ok to ask for your two oldest friends to be invited.
Text or message her " DD, I hate to add to your wedding list woes, and you know I don't want to interfere in your plans, but it would mean a lot to your father and I if you would invite Jack and Jill."

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 22:45

TetraSaurus · 22/04/2023 22:25

OP, are you the same poster that does lots of childcare for your daughters? It's crazy that you are so involved with their lives but not able to talk about this.

Yes - I split my week between both my daughter's children.

My younger daughter, who is getting married, had twins last year. She got engaged just after they were born. Even though she's still on maternity leave, I still go to hers to help with the children twice a week. She has an older daughter who has just turned 3yrs.

My older daughter is a single mum with 3 children who are possibly all SEN. Her older daughter is being assessed for autism, the younger boys have global development delay and the youngest is awaiting results of genetic tests.

My husband had surgery to replace the aortic arch, which is now synthetic, and had a frozen elephant trunk procedure to reinforce the rest of the aorta from the arch, down to the abdomen. He was initially refused emergency surgery because of a delay in transport to transfer him to a specialist unit which was an hour away from our nearest hospital. I had to go home, planning his funeral because he wasn't expected to last the night and I couldn't stay in resus where he was being kept because of covid restrictions.

We've had a roller coaster year. I can't wait for the wedding. My daughter looked stunning in the dress she chose - even though it was several sizes too big and her hair and makeup wasn't 'done'.

I think we'll all shed a tear or two when my husband gives her away.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 22:49

Houseplantmad · 22/04/2023 22:33

You are being incredibly generous but I think you must mention it. You almost sound scared to broach anything especially when you describe how numbers have grown, without reference to you or the budget, which is a huge liberty.

Your DD sounds as if she’s caught up in the drama of the IL debates over who does what and who attends, and seems to have overlooked you.

I would expect you to have one of the hotel rooms as well and for that to be a given, so mention that too while you’re at it.

Has anyone acknowledged your generosity or are you viewed as a bit of a gravy train by the SIL, his family and your DD?

There's an element of a bit of a gravy train going on since my husband's near death experience last year.

He's been spending since he came home from hospital.

It's a bit of a family joke that's not funny anymore. A long story ....

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 22/04/2023 22:51

We didn't have any input into our DDs wedding but we only paid one third of the total cost. I am not sure we would pick up the whole bill if the grooms side was so large.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 22:53

As many pp have pointed out - I haven't asked for friends to be specifically invited because the money was given as a gift - absolutely no strings, no interference.

What triggered this post was another thread saying that parents friends hadn't been invited to daughter's wedding.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/04/2023 22:55

Why are you funding the entire wedding?

Do either of them work?

If they can’t afford to get married then they shouldn’t be getting married.

And no, if you’ve offered to pay, you don’t get to decide who to invite. Sounds like the groom is walking all over you all. Have his parents offered to pay for anything at all?

CoozudBoyuPuak · 22/04/2023 22:57

It's becoming a lot more common for the bride&groom to pay for the whole shebang themselves, and under those circumstances then of course they get the sole control of the guest list.

If parents are funding the party significantly then of course the parents get to ensure that the appropriate number of relatives and parental friends are part of the throng. The b&g can easily make it a bash for their friends only by declining parental support.

Accepting parental funds and then refusing to invite parental friends/relatives is the height of entitled selfishness.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 23:03

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/04/2023 22:55

Why are you funding the entire wedding?

Do either of them work?

If they can’t afford to get married then they shouldn’t be getting married.

And no, if you’ve offered to pay, you don’t get to decide who to invite. Sounds like the groom is walking all over you all. Have his parents offered to pay for anything at all?

I've not told them who to invite.

Ive reluctantly had to ask my daughter to tell her partner to be careful as the numbers were spiralling. I knew this because of the amount of 'save the dates' she was thinking of ordering.

As far as I know, his parents haven't offered to contribute to the wedding. But no one knows if they are planning a hugely extravagant wedding present.

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/04/2023 23:18

The irony that the family that aren't paying are arguing about which 150 bums to fill seats with but the family that are paying are left wondering whether they can possibly have two spaces for good friends....

Abcdefgh1234 · 22/04/2023 23:23

Thats silly.

of course you have a say in the guestlist. You are paying.

we paid my own wedding with my husband and still my parents and mil invites their good friends. Of course we dont mind. Its out parents happy day too. I think its selfish if parents cant invites their few friends.

Boshi · 22/04/2023 23:30

🤣 at some of these replies - how entitled are some people.

If you are paying for those whole thing hell yes (within reason) you get to invite your friends.

Phoebo · 22/04/2023 23:41

Depends on who's paying. Even then any decent couple would let their parents invite a few friends (and I'd assume if they were the parents friends they'd be family friends anyway)

theministerscat · 22/04/2023 23:42

OP, you sound absolutely lovely and I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask if this couple could come. I really think you should speak with your DD - if she's as nice as you, she'll understand.

TetraSaurus · 23/04/2023 01:05

OP, I was on your original threads! Under a different name. To be honest it does all make more sense when you understand what you've all been through. I'm glad that you and your husband have something so lovely to look forward to.

I still think your daughter is being very inconsiderate to let the wedding costs spiral like she has. Either that or her husband is being a massive Groomzilla. Imagine you were either of them, I bet you wouldn't dream of letting the numbers of guests and costs spiral like there are without checking it's ok. That's basic manners.

300 guests is an unusually large wedding especially where it sounds like your side is going to be tiny. Are you really happy to be paying for more than 250 strangers. I hope it's not an open bar 😅

I still can't understand why you can't talk to your daughter. You say you are close so what's the problem? Do you think she would be surprised and upset that you feel unable to discuss this with her? You aren't giving her the chance to sort this out.

Also, do,you think it's possible that your daughter doesn't want her partner to invite more than 250 people to the wedding. Might she be being railroaded into it. A 300 person wedding isn't typically a 'quiet and reserved' person would choose for themselves.

TheMiddleOfTheMiddle · 23/04/2023 01:16

If your daughter classes them as important people to her, they’ll be invited. If not, they don’t be. Let your daughter decide. Just because they’re your friends and they have known her from a child, doesn’t mean they’re people she views as close to her.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 23/04/2023 01:16

I read the other thread and even commented, different username.
I said
As did others
That as the couple tend to pay a lot these days for the wedding it’s their choice who goes.

Your situation is different.
You are paying for the whole lot….wow…lucky kids

In that case each side, theoretically, should get half the number of guests.
150 on his side ( with you paying ) seems unreasonable if you can’t invite some of your friends that your dd knows well.

Of course just because you’re paying doesn’t mean you can dictate this.
Id be surprised if your dd and future sil denied you this

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 23/04/2023 06:33

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche you and your family sound lovely. I’m a bit shocked at the nastiness aimed at you by some PPs who clearly haven’t read the thy read or your posts and just want to parade their bluntness.

You should say to your DD that you’re going to invite this couple as you feel they have been part of your family’s life and you’d like her Parents-in-law to meet them.

Have a lovely time!

Beezknees · 23/04/2023 06:43

I don't think parents should get a say. If you're offering to pay for the wedding, surely you're doing it because you love them?

I am a skint single mum. I'd be delighted if I ever had enough money to pay for my child's wedding (I likely will not) and I'd do it without a second thought, I certainly wouldn't have any expectations as to who they would invite. It's their day, not mine.

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 07:02

@Beezknees, given that the bride and groom are inviting all and sundry with numbers getting out of control - did you read all the OP's updates? I think being able to invite two of their friends is perfectly appropriate.