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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here and how to move forward (accident prone spouse)

130 replies

EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:32

Hey MN,

But of background: my DH is incredibly accident prone and has a low pain threshold (like, I've touched his foot with my foot in the past and he's started yelling that I've hurt his toenail - when it was genuinely just a glancing touch, nothing aggressive). I've spoken to him about this in the past and so have his employers. Simple tasks can end up with him dramatically hurting himself and I don't know what's behind it (carelessness, attention seeking?)

Anyway, yesterday, I wasn't feeling very well so I was lying on the sofa. I'd found a position I was reasonably comfortable in so was happy enough (as you can be when you're ill). He came in asking if I wanted a cup of tea. I said yes and he went in the kitchen. Next thing, there was an almighty crash and he was screaming 'AHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHH'. I went in and he'd tipped tea everywhere - all over the worktop, all over himself. He had his leg in the sink with running cold water on it.

I was really angry because I'd had to get up and clean things off (and he was asking things like 'do we have any worktop spray' essentially making me find things.) I would have rather just remained tea-less on the sofa.

We had a big argument and now we are not speaking. He says he expects an apology when I've recovered (and am in a better mood) but I honestly don't feel like giving one. But, I can see from his perspective that he was trying to do something nice and I just seem really cunty in response.

So what do you think? How do I move forwards here?

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 22/04/2023 08:34

Has he been assessed for dyspraxia? I’m dyspraxic and it makes me extremely clumsy and also I have a low pain threshold.

Tbh I can see why you were annoyed but I’d also have been upset about your reaction to him being injured, he’s not doing it on purpose?

35965a · 22/04/2023 08:35

He sounds like a massive attention seeker. No way I’d be apologising. If he really does get hurt a lot he should be finding out why, medically.

dietcokelime · 22/04/2023 08:36

Is he actually doing it on purpose or is he actually accident prone? If he's genuinely accident prone and it's not just due to carelessness, then you're being UR. If he's doing it on purpose obviously YANBU.

dietcokelime · 22/04/2023 08:37

Sorry assumed was in AIBU 😂

RunnerBeanWalkerBean · 22/04/2023 08:37

My DH is dyspraxic and has ADHD. He is the most accident prone creature on earth. However, he isn’t a giant baby about it and cleans up after himself. If fact, when he smashes yet another mug/glass/bowl etc, he apologises for breaking it.

Why on earth does your DH expect you to apologise to him?

Lockheart · 22/04/2023 08:37

Does he have dyspraxia? If this is happening to him all the time at home and at work I think it needs investigating.

Yellowcar2 · 22/04/2023 08:37

That seems a bit harsh, I'm sure he didn't spill tea on himself just to annoy you. Also once you saw he was ok you could have left him to clean up. Although I don't live with him, if this happens everyday it would probably grate on me too.

Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:39

😂😂Thanks @dietcokelime I can see why though, the way I phrased it.

I don't think he is consciously doing it on purpose, I don't get that sense. But I do wonder if some level of his brain is, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
CamelliaAndPrunus · 22/04/2023 08:39

If he's not seeking attention then I think he needs to be assessed. There are many conditions that can cause low pain threshold and clumsiness. As pp said, dyspraxia is one. My autistic ds has no tolerance for mild pain but doesn't feel severe pain in the way others do. It needs to be checked.

I don't think you need to apologise. I think you need to tell him that this problem is affecting your relationship.

ShinySherry · 22/04/2023 08:39

I think this would drive most people to the brink of sanity.
I don't think I'd want to be parenting my partner like this, as well as dealing with his dramatic reactions. I'm sorry he seems to have a low pain threshold and possible dyspraxia but I couldn't cope with the additional mental load. I'd be re-evaluating the relationship.

Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:41

No, he's not been assessed for dyspraxia but I will look into that for him.

OP posts:
CamelliaAndPrunus · 22/04/2023 08:42

Or it's a way of not having to step up and be useful... Even subconscious. I wouldn't be able to live with that.

GCWorkNightmare · 22/04/2023 08:43

EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:41

No, he's not been assessed for dyspraxia but I will look into that for him.

Get him to look into it. He’s an adult and you aren’t his mother.

Cherryana · 22/04/2023 08:43

What are you apologising for? Saying yes to a cup of tea? Having to clean it up? Or getting really angry because he made a mess?

That he dropped the tea - no fault, no apology needed.

If he didn’t do enough to clear up the tea - he can say sorry for that.

When you got angry, if you spoke to him badly - you need to say sorry for that.

If he got angry and spoke to you badly - he needs to say sorry for that.

He could show some
more understanding that you felt ill and people don’t handle things so well when they feel ill. You could either be more accepting his clumsiness or not help him
so much when he messes up.

neverendinglauaundry · 22/04/2023 08:44

Sounds like an episode of some mother's do av em.
I echo PPs questioning if he has dyspraxia.
Argument sounds like storm in a teacup exacerbated by you both being in pain.

justforthisnow · 22/04/2023 08:44

I couldn't live with someone who was so dramtic about things like that, the accident prone thing is one issue but his whole leg was in the sink? What a drama performance.
Why are YOU looking into assessment of possible dyspraxia, cant he do it himself?

SweetSakura · 22/04/2023 08:46

He injured himself and you got angry with him?

Yabu.

And yes, suggest he reads up on dyspraxia.

But also accident prone people (dyspraxic or not aren't doing it on purpose. They aren't doing it to annoy you.

My ex got angry at me all the time when I was clumsy. DH is always kind and understanding when I am clumsy.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 22/04/2023 08:46

EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:41

No, he's not been assessed for dyspraxia but I will look into that for him.

Errr, no.

He can investigate it himself.

UniversalTruth · 22/04/2023 08:47

I'm the clumsy one in our marriage and I struggle to believe that anyone would constantly cause themselves pain to be attending seeking, so I have sympathy for your DH.

However, I would be telling DH how it made you feel in terms of having to fix the problems he causes: "I'm sorry I got mad, I had a low threshold due to feeling unwell. I know you were trying to be nice and I appreciate that. I know you didn't mean to spill the tea, but it made me feel annoyed when you weren't able to find the things you needed to fix the problem - what can we do to change that?"

OutDamnedSpot · 22/04/2023 08:51

clumsiness / accidents = fine
expecting others to fix it = not fine

I’m spectacularly clumsy. I break things most days, and frequently hurt myself. But I’d never expect someone else to fix things for me. In that scenario, I’d have offered you tea, spilt it, probably sworn (under my breath or at myself), called through to say the tea was delayed, cleaned up, remade tea, come back to check on you, maybe with a biscuit to make up for the delay/disruption.

He probably can’t change the clumsiness - or his pain threshold. He should be able to change his reactions to it and understand that as an adult, it is his job to put his errors right. I don’t know how though. CBT?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 22/04/2023 08:52

I was really angry because I'd had to get up and clean things off (and he was asking things like 'do we have any worktop spray' essentially making me find things.) I would have rather just remained tea-less on the sofa.

Genuine question - why did you have to do any of those things?

Once you'd established he wasn't gravely injured, why didn't you go and lie back down again and let him clear it up himself?

Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:55

There's some good advice on here, definitely.

I think I'll apologise for my reaction but explain that he could have done things differently and that he needs to look into dyspraxia.

I guess the other irritating side to it is that he does always over-react as well - the yelling, heavy breathing etc. I don't ever see any other grown adults acting like that. It doesn't seem normal to me. And also, the yelling.... The baby was having his afternoon nap in the room above the kitchen. I could've done without the noise levels being so ridiculous. It's like he throws common sense out of the window when he's hurt - and instead of having a measured reaction, he goes for the most extreme version that he can. I read it as selfish but am open to hearing that this is my problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:57

Genuine question - why did you have to do any of those things?

Because he yells and yells until you go in. And then if I just left after seeing him with his leg in the sink, he'd probably say I was unfeeling, unsympathetic etc. So I guess in that moment, as I stayed to help, I was trying not to turn it into the source of a big argument.

That's not ideal though, I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:58

And that (continued thoughts on my last post) is one of the things that bothers me. Why involve me?

As a pp said, if it was me, id be like 'bollocks!' and then I'd sort it out, myself.

OP posts: