Who is in the wrong here and how to move forward (accident prone spouse)

[EightMonthsScared]

Hey MN,

But of background: my DH is incredibly accident prone and has a low pain threshold (like, I've touched his foot with my foot in the past and he's started yelling that I've hurt his toenail - when it was genuinely just a glancing touch, nothing aggressive). I've spoken to him about this in the past and so have his employers. Simple tasks can end up with him dramatically hurting himself and I don't know what's behind it (carelessness, attention seeking?)

Anyway, yesterday, I wasn't feeling very well so I was lying on the sofa. I'd found a position I was reasonably comfortable in so was happy enough (as you can be when you're ill). He came in asking if I wanted a cup of tea. I said yes and he went in the kitchen. Next thing, there was an almighty crash and he was screaming 'AHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHH'. I went in and he'd tipped tea everywhere - all over the worktop, all over himself. He had his leg in the sink with running cold water on it.

I was really angry because I'd had to get up and clean things off (and he was asking things like 'do we have any worktop spray' essentially making me find things.) I would have rather just remained tea-less on the sofa.

We had a big argument and now we are not speaking. He says he expects an apology when I've recovered (and am in a better mood) but I honestly don't feel like giving one. But, I can see from his perspective that he was trying to do something nice and I just seem really cunty in response.

So what do you think? How do I move forwards here?

If there’s an exchange of apologies, fine. Draw a line under it. If he’s expecting you only to apologise, then it would depend on exactly what was said. In general, I think you cut people who are ill a bit of slack and I’d only apologise if I had said something really nasty. Not just for being short-tempered.

Agree with pps that even if he is genuinely accident-prone there is no reason he can’t deal with the aftermath of something like this himself. I can see why you’re frustrated and I’d have been angry too.

I don’t know how you put up with him

When you say his employers have spoken to him, why was that?

I think it's the screaming I would struggle to tolerate, especially if I felt ill. It's sounding as if he wasn't that badly hurt as you're not posting from hospital, and he we was with it enough to be wanting to find worktop spray, so it sounds like a massively attention-seeking overreaction.

I guess he was entitled to feel annoyed or hurt that you weren't sympathising with him or appreciating him doing something nice, but on the other hand you're entitled to feel annoyed that you had to get up when you were unwell and had to help with clearing up - at the very least he could have (a) been more careful and (b) told you he'd deal with it and you should go back to rest.

I couldn't stand this you are a saint to put up with it in my view. He is ridiculous. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

If he's so careless that his employers have spoken to hm about it, he needs to start thinking about why these accidents happen and taking more precautions to avoid them. He's old enough to be working these things out for himself.

Do you think he's pretending - like made the noises and quickly stuck his leg in the sink? My aunty was a bugger for this

When you say his employers have spoken to him, why was that?

Same thing, he kept having accidents and it had become too frequent. They had a h&s meeting with him about how to be safer at work.

This.

He’s acting like a 5 year old and you’re enabling it

Do you think he's pretending - like made the noises and quickly stuck his leg in the sink? My aunty was a bugger for this

No, I don't think that. My mum is a bit like that, which is why I have such a low threshold for theatrics I guess.

Have you ever called your aunt out on it? Why do they do it? People!

I would be apologising for nothing. And i would be reacting to the "do we have surface spray" with making him in charge of cleaning the kitchen for a few months.

Hope you feel better soon, OP
Also echo calls about testing for Dyspraxia

no, OP. He is an adult. He can (must) do this for himself.

You honestly could be describing my DH.
He manages to stub his toe at least once a day walking through a door way but nothing is ever just hurt, it's always broke/sprained/ripped.

A part of me believes that he was just never taught to think things through and adapt behaviour based on surroundings. For example, if he's rifling through the cupboard with all the glass jars of herbs and spices but in the same way he'll rifle through a drawer of socks. Flinging them about, smushing them to one side etc, completely disregarding the fact they're made of glass and (often) break when he sends them flying. Then he acts all shocked and blames his shitty luck.

When dh or the dcs do that irritating "do we have any..." when it's clear they just want me to get it and do it for them, I always say "I don't know, do we?" Childish but it works

He sounds like a toddler screaming for attention 😬 I would find his behaviour incredibly off-putting in a grown adult.

Personally I would just ignore him 🤷‍♀️ if that makes me unfeeling then so be it, but I don't pander to grown adults having tantrums.

That's so interesting! My son has dyspraxia and seems to have a low pain threshold but I never linked them together!

you sound very patient, OP. I'd probably just shout "STFU" at him and go elsewhere until he was over it. (but i wouldn'T put up with this more than once so...)

My teen ds with dyspraxia and ADHD can be a bit like this — the drama and disturbance when he has a minor accident or is physically uncomfortable (for example a nettle sting; or being a passenger in the car with low sun shining right in his eyes because of the direction of travel) is way out of proportion.

Typically then that overreaction becomes the issue; so we end up urgently trying to get him to stop storming around and yelling and banging and making everything more alarming and ‘worse’ for himself, not to mention us; and he reacts with OTT hostility (because he is dysregulated, embarrassed and frustrated with himself). As all of this often catches us completely off guard, it can escalate into a row.

It isn’t at all aligned with his baseline personality and behaviour, he’s normally gentle and pleasant. It’s like an extreme fight or flight reaction or something. You can sort of see it isn’t tactical or intentional behaviour, that he’s not fully in control and I guess the challenging behaviour (like your DH wanting you to ‘help’ and find the worktop spray) is maybe part of an urgent effort to regain that control.

I often hope he’ll grow out of it because it crosses my mind that it would be tough for a future partner 😣

I feel very sorry for your husband - being accident prone is incredibly upsetting, frustrating, painful and frightening for the individual - and how devastating to have a wife thinking you are doing it for attention. People have different pain thresholds, and have different responses to different pains. maybe there are things that hurt you that he wouldn't be bothered by

The prolonged inchoate shrieking sounds really disturbing. I mean anyone could shout in pain if they burn themselves but then follow-up with, "Sorry, just burned myself, all good". There's absolutely no excuse for just yelling in pain until you come in. He was sensate enough to run cool water on the burn and to ask you about wipes so it was clearly an attention-seeking ploy.

I grew up with a mother like this. She was specularly sensitive and dramatic - particularly about her toes.

its emotional immaturity. She was an only child to older parents and expects to be babied still (she is now in her seventies).

your husband need to learn coping mechanisms - how to deal with pain himself without needing an audience. It must be extreme if his employer has picked up on it.

Did you miss the bit where the OP was ill @Nimbostratus100 ? Why are her DP’s needs more important than hers? His pain and frustration is his to deal with, not hers.

Jeez I genuinely think that would be a relationship breaker for me. How embarrassing- does he do it in public? Around your family? It’s attention seeking amateur dramatics whether it’s deliberate or not and I’d find it infuriating

That's so interesting @ShortSilence Can definitely read some of our own situation into that.

@Brefugee just lol'd out loud at that 😂

And @Nimbostratus100 no, there are definitely not things that would hurt me that he wouldn't be bothered by. Not in a million years.