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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here and how to move forward (accident prone spouse)

130 replies

EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:32

Hey MN,

But of background: my DH is incredibly accident prone and has a low pain threshold (like, I've touched his foot with my foot in the past and he's started yelling that I've hurt his toenail - when it was genuinely just a glancing touch, nothing aggressive). I've spoken to him about this in the past and so have his employers. Simple tasks can end up with him dramatically hurting himself and I don't know what's behind it (carelessness, attention seeking?)

Anyway, yesterday, I wasn't feeling very well so I was lying on the sofa. I'd found a position I was reasonably comfortable in so was happy enough (as you can be when you're ill). He came in asking if I wanted a cup of tea. I said yes and he went in the kitchen. Next thing, there was an almighty crash and he was screaming 'AHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHH'. I went in and he'd tipped tea everywhere - all over the worktop, all over himself. He had his leg in the sink with running cold water on it.

I was really angry because I'd had to get up and clean things off (and he was asking things like 'do we have any worktop spray' essentially making me find things.) I would have rather just remained tea-less on the sofa.

We had a big argument and now we are not speaking. He says he expects an apology when I've recovered (and am in a better mood) but I honestly don't feel like giving one. But, I can see from his perspective that he was trying to do something nice and I just seem really cunty in response.

So what do you think? How do I move forwards here?

OP posts:
Polik · 22/04/2023 09:26

EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:55

There's some good advice on here, definitely.

I think I'll apologise for my reaction but explain that he could have done things differently and that he needs to look into dyspraxia.

I guess the other irritating side to it is that he does always over-react as well - the yelling, heavy breathing etc. I don't ever see any other grown adults acting like that. It doesn't seem normal to me. And also, the yelling.... The baby was having his afternoon nap in the room above the kitchen. I could've done without the noise levels being so ridiculous. It's like he throws common sense out of the window when he's hurt - and instead of having a measured reaction, he goes for the most extreme version that he can. I read it as selfish but am open to hearing that this is my problem.

The armchair psychologist in me suggests that he learnt in childhood that unless he makes a huge fuss, he is ignored.

I would consistently reiterate things like

  • "there is no need to raise your voice, I will react the same if you're calm"
  • "you're huffing is not helping"
  • "there is no need for this level of stress"
  • "you are yelling. Yelling won't change the outcome"

Also very important you are calm, controlled and stable to model alternate responses.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/04/2023 09:28

OutDamnedSpot · 22/04/2023 09:22

Did you miss the bit where the OP was ill @Nimbostratus100 ? Why are her DP’s needs more important than hers? His pain and frustration is his to deal with, not hers.

she is temporarily ill, he is dealing with a life long disability

ShortSilence · 22/04/2023 09:29

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 22/04/2023 09:14

You honestly could be describing my DH.
He manages to stub his toe at least once a day walking through a door way but nothing is ever just hurt, it's always broke/sprained/ripped.

A part of me believes that he was just never taught to think things through and adapt behaviour based on surroundings. For example, if he's rifling through the cupboard with all the glass jars of herbs and spices but in the same way he'll rifle through a drawer of socks. Flinging them about, smushing them to one side etc, completely disregarding the fact they're made of glass and (often) break when he sends them flying. Then he acts all shocked and blames his shitty luck.

This (selfishly) is one strand of my worry about DS: that when he grows up other adults will be secretly thinking it’s down to how we raised him.

I mean I don’t know if your DH has a diagnosis obviously and I wouldn’t assume. And I can imagine it must be frustrating to live with! But fwiw, with DS honestly we could, and do, show him over and over again how to approach tasks of that type, with all the patience we can find — but it just doesn’t seem to ‘take’.

Or it might ‘take’ for a specific task eventually through sheer repetition and muscle memory, association with a specific cupboard etc. — but then that doesn’t seem to naturally help with how he approaches other, very similar tasks.

schmalex · 22/04/2023 09:30

I find it very interesting that your mother is also a bit like this @EightMonthsScared. I wonder if you're subconsciously repeating childhood patterns by being with someone similar. I actually think you have a high threshold for theatrics as I'd be out of that relationship as I don't think I could put up with such overdramatic / childish behaviour.

Has he always been like this?

Coffeetree · 22/04/2023 09:31

Nimbostratus100 · 22/04/2023 09:28

she is temporarily ill, he is dealing with a life long disability

Show quote history

He doesn't have a diagnosed disability.

He knows the effect of his actions on others but he continues, hasn't tried to get help to sort it.

1930toEdinburgh · 22/04/2023 09:37

ShortSilence · 22/04/2023 09:16

My teen ds with dyspraxia and ADHD can be a bit like this — the drama and disturbance when he has a minor accident or is physically uncomfortable (for example a nettle sting; or being a passenger in the car with low sun shining right in his eyes because of the direction of travel) is way out of proportion.

Typically then that overreaction becomes the issue; so we end up urgently trying to get him to stop storming around and yelling and banging and making everything more alarming and ‘worse’ for himself, not to mention us; and he reacts with OTT hostility (because he is dysregulated, embarrassed and frustrated with himself). As all of this often catches us completely off guard, it can escalate into a row.

It isn’t at all aligned with his baseline personality and behaviour, he’s normally gentle and pleasant. It’s like an extreme fight or flight reaction or something. You can sort of see it isn’t tactical or intentional behaviour, that he’s not fully in control and I guess the challenging behaviour (like your DH wanting you to ‘help’ and find the worktop spray) is maybe part of an urgent effort to regain that control.

I often hope he’ll grow out of it because it crosses my mind that it would be tough for a future partner 😣

Thank you for sharing that about your son.
I have ND young teens who do this abs it drives me insane. Before the ND was understood I thought it was a result of me not being kind enough or reacting right to injury... I can't explain why it presses my buttons and makes it very hard to be kind about what ever happened because the ott reaction is so loud and difficult. Would love to know how it pans out into adult hood.
Hopefully not like OPs partner or mother !

AutisticLegoLover · 22/04/2023 09:38

Even if he does have a disability such as dyspraxia he's still behaving like a dick. Has he always been like this? I couldn't live with someone so dramatic and childish. Your poor child growing up witnessing his drama. He needs to get help and if he doesn't you need to consider if that's a dealbreaker for you.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/04/2023 09:44

Coffeetree · 22/04/2023 09:31

He doesn't have a diagnosed disability.

He knows the effect of his actions on others but he continues, hasn't tried to get help to sort it.

Show quote history

It doesn't really matter if it is diagnosed or not, does it, and there is no "help" and nothing that can "sort it out"

Stripedbag101 · 22/04/2023 09:46

Nimbostratus100 · 22/04/2023 09:16

I feel very sorry for your husband - being accident prone is incredibly upsetting, frustrating, painful and frightening for the individual - and how devastating to have a wife thinking you are doing it for attention. People have different pain thresholds, and have different responses to different pains. maybe there are things that hurt you that he wouldn't be bothered by

I think the extreme language used in this post is part of the problem.

I lived with this throughout my childhood - so much so that I now hate emotional outbursts - exaggerated dramatics reactions and language.

this man is oblivious to others reactions to him. It has been raised by his employer and yet he still continues. It’s not devastating FFS.

OP be very mindful of the impact of this on your children as they grow up. Their lives can not resolve around the emotional instability of a parent. They need to learn how to manage their emotions - and one parent will not be a good role model.

OutDamnedSpot · 22/04/2023 09:47

Of course there is help. Occupational therapy? CBT?

Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 09:51

*I would consistently reiterate things like

  • "there is no need to raise your voice, I will react the same if you're calm"
  • "you're huffing is not helping"
  • "there is no need for this level of stress"
  • "you are yelling. Yelling won't change the outcome"*
This is great advice. I'm definitely taking this on board.

And @schmalex thats really insightful. I feel like I feel like I have a low threshold for all of this, but from the feedback on this thread, most people wouldve lost their temper a long time ago. So I'm being too tolerant, and that isn't helping things.

This thread is genuinely useful. I'm going to have a big talk with him later, when the baby goes for his nap.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 22/04/2023 09:51

EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 08:55

There's some good advice on here, definitely.

I think I'll apologise for my reaction but explain that he could have done things differently and that he needs to look into dyspraxia.

I guess the other irritating side to it is that he does always over-react as well - the yelling, heavy breathing etc. I don't ever see any other grown adults acting like that. It doesn't seem normal to me. And also, the yelling.... The baby was having his afternoon nap in the room above the kitchen. I could've done without the noise levels being so ridiculous. It's like he throws common sense out of the window when he's hurt - and instead of having a measured reaction, he goes for the most extreme version that he can. I read it as selfish but am open to hearing that this is my problem.

Just because he reacts to things differently than you would doesn’t mean it’s not ‘normal’! I’m afraid you come across as totally harsh now.

FFS he spilled a boiling hot drink on himself - I think most people’s ‘normal’ reaction would be to make lots of noise.

Greatdomestic · 22/04/2023 09:51

I don't know how you can stand this drama and attention seeking behaviour.

I suggest he gets himself medical help. Him, not you doing it for him.

Even though you were ill, his needs had to trump yours.

I would not be apologising and would explain the above to him.

I have NEVER heard of a grown adult having to be spoken to by their employer about essentially being a H&S liability.

Good luck.

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2023 09:52

EightMonthsScared · 22/04/2023 09:51

*I would consistently reiterate things like

  • "there is no need to raise your voice, I will react the same if you're calm"
  • "you're huffing is not helping"
  • "there is no need for this level of stress"
  • "you are yelling. Yelling won't change the outcome"*
This is great advice. I'm definitely taking this on board.

And @schmalex thats really insightful. I feel like I feel like I have a low threshold for all of this, but from the feedback on this thread, most people wouldve lost their temper a long time ago. So I'm being too tolerant, and that isn't helping things.

This thread is genuinely useful. I'm going to have a big talk with him later, when the baby goes for his nap.

If anyone said any of these things to me when I was upset ‘ angry it would make me worse. It’s condescending and patronising.

mrsfennel · 22/04/2023 09:55

Does he injure himself and have accidents when he is on his own?

gettingoldisshit · 22/04/2023 09:58

He would really annoy me! Sounds like a clumsy drama queen, stop jumping when he has accidents and hurts himself! Leave him to deal with it himself!

Stripedbag101 · 22/04/2023 09:59

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2023 09:52

If anyone said any of these things to me when I was upset ‘ angry it would make me worse. It’s condescending and patronising.

Show quote history

But do you have exaggerated OTT reactions to minor injuries? Do you need everyone attention when hurt?

I wish my dad had told my mum to wise up when she commanded everyone’s attention every time she stubbed her toe!

Interestingly if I hurt myself as a child I got shouted at - told to be quiet by her! I remember sitting in a&e with what turned out to be broken arm and being told to stop crying because everyone was looking🫣. The problem was the attention wasn’t on her.

There Are children in the mix here. Whatever the reason for this man’s bizarre behaviour it needs to be called out, he needs to recognise this isn’t normal and he needs to try and manage it. It has been indulged for too long.

Flyingsparks · 22/04/2023 10:02

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions.

Your reaction maybe wasn’t ideal, but I can totally understand your frustration about all the drama.

He needs to know how to clean up his own kitchen. He needs to know where the kitchen spray is.

he wants you to be his rescuer/ mother.

I think you need to address this with him calmly. Maybe apologise for shouting at him, but he needs to acknowledge that his behaviour isn’t that of a mature adult.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/04/2023 10:05

OutDamnedSpot · 22/04/2023 09:47

Of course there is help. Occupational therapy? CBT?

none of that is going to help someone with dyspraxia, or who is "accident prone" without a dyspraxia diagnosis.

Yuasa · 22/04/2023 10:05

Nimbostratus100 · 22/04/2023 09:44

It doesn't really matter if it is diagnosed or not, does it, and there is no "help" and nothing that can "sort it out"

Show quote history

You don’t know this. Nobody on here knows what this man may or may not have when it comes to disability.

And since nobody knows what is causing this, it’s premature to rule out the potential for alleviating its effects.

MichelleScarn · 22/04/2023 10:07

AutisticLegoLover · 22/04/2023 09:38

Even if he does have a disability such as dyspraxia he's still behaving like a dick. Has he always been like this? I couldn't live with someone so dramatic and childish. Your poor child growing up witnessing his drama. He needs to get help and if he doesn't you need to consider if that's a dealbreaker for you.

Just thinking this myself, has the drama llama level of attention seeking got worse since your child was born?
And can't believe yet again there's posters back with the 'how DARE you think of yourself in anything HES the victim in all of this and needs to be centred and mollycoddled'! 🤨

Nimbostratus100 · 22/04/2023 10:07

Yuasa · 22/04/2023 10:05

You don’t know this. Nobody on here knows what this man may or may not have when it comes to disability.

And since nobody knows what is causing this, it’s premature to rule out the potential for alleviating its effects.

Show quote history

we know he is "accident prone" he is badly coordinated, he apparently has distorted pain perception - none of that will ever change

OutDamnedSpot · 22/04/2023 10:11

Nimbostratus100 · 22/04/2023 10:07

we know he is "accident prone" he is badly coordinated, he apparently has distorted pain perception - none of that will ever change

Show quote history

I haven’t seen anyone suggest that should change. What they’re suggesting is that his reactions to it could change.

Fraaahnces · 22/04/2023 10:11

@EightMonthsScared - what happened after WHS meeting? Did he change his behaviour? Did things change at work? Is he still employed? Was a a drama llama there too? Asking because we have someone at my work like this and I am going to be called in to a meeting about this and I genuinely don’t know what my feelings about this guy are. I don’t want him punished for having a genuine issue like dyspraxia, but his inattention definitely makes him a potential danger to others.

kittensinthekitchen · 22/04/2023 10:13

@Nimbostratus100 A fucking disability 🤣 Calm down, love.

OP, I actually think you were in the wrong here. Yes, a pattern of what you perceive as attention seeking behaviour will be wearing, but he'd spilled boiling water on himself ffs. As a standalone incident, that could have been serious.

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