Who is in the wrong here and how to move forward (accident prone spouse)

[EightMonthsScared]

Hey MN,

But of background: my DH is incredibly accident prone and has a low pain threshold (like, I've touched his foot with my foot in the past and he's started yelling that I've hurt his toenail - when it was genuinely just a glancing touch, nothing aggressive). I've spoken to him about this in the past and so have his employers. Simple tasks can end up with him dramatically hurting himself and I don't know what's behind it (carelessness, attention seeking?)

Anyway, yesterday, I wasn't feeling very well so I was lying on the sofa. I'd found a position I was reasonably comfortable in so was happy enough (as you can be when you're ill). He came in asking if I wanted a cup of tea. I said yes and he went in the kitchen. Next thing, there was an almighty crash and he was screaming 'AHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHH'. I went in and he'd tipped tea everywhere - all over the worktop, all over himself. He had his leg in the sink with running cold water on it.

I was really angry because I'd had to get up and clean things off (and he was asking things like 'do we have any worktop spray' essentially making me find things.) I would have rather just remained tea-less on the sofa.

We had a big argument and now we are not speaking. He says he expects an apology when I've recovered (and am in a better mood) but I honestly don't feel like giving one. But, I can see from his perspective that he was trying to do something nice and I just seem really cunty in response.

So what do you think? How do I move forwards here?

If work have had to speak to him about his clumsiness then I don't think it's deliberate, I don't think many people would risk losing their job to get a bit of attention and therefore something is going on that does need investigating e.g. dyspraxia. Does his workplace have an Employee Assistance Programme or a Health and Safety Officer that can assist him with that? Or he needs to speak to the GP.

The accidents are a separate issue to the theatrics though. He may not be able to help being clumsy but his reactions are something that he can manage and needs to work on. Did his parents not give him much attention when he was growing up? Did he have to shout and scream before they would show concern about him? Is he just a drama llama? All of that needs to be discussed calmly.

I’m not saying I think this man is putting it on. I’m saying that it isn’t possible to diagnose someone on the scant information in these posts.

I can see plenty of posters with experience of dyspraxia are saying that it sounds like he may well have that condition, but there is just one poster insisting that this is a fact and, furthermore, that there is no help available or potential to improve things if he does. I’d want to at least investigate the tips and therapies mentioned on the NHS and Dyspraxia Foundation website rather than rely on Nimbostratus’ comments in that regard given that the very fact they feel able to web diagnose puts their judgement in doubt.

I've only heard it anecdotally. I guess it's something to do with the neural pathways? Or responses to different stress hormones/endorphins, maybe? I first noticed it when he was about five and got bashed on the head at school with a wooden ship. Blood pouring everywhere but no tears, no reporting of pain at all. Then, a few days later, he was screaming the place down about a teeny tiny cut on his finger. He's similar emotionally, now that I think of it. Copes (or shuts down) with big things but has meltdowns over relatively small issues.

How do his parents react to him if he's hurt?

I have not "diagnosed" anything, I have simply repeated the description the Op has given.

Poor coordination - this is a neurological difference
"accident prone" this is a neurological difference
distorted pain perception - this is a neurological difference.

The Op has listed 3 ways in which her husband is neurologically different from her - 3 ways that cannot be changed, And she is blaming him for them and telling him to "manage himself like a grown up"

This man is neurologically different to her, and nothing is going to change that. She needs to accept that. The "manage yourself like a grown up" comments about something that cannot be changed are likely to cause distress, resentment, frustration, etc. and still nothing will change