Who is in the wrong here and how to move forward (accident prone spouse)

[EightMonthsScared]

Hey MN,

But of background: my DH is incredibly accident prone and has a low pain threshold (like, I've touched his foot with my foot in the past and he's started yelling that I've hurt his toenail - when it was genuinely just a glancing touch, nothing aggressive). I've spoken to him about this in the past and so have his employers. Simple tasks can end up with him dramatically hurting himself and I don't know what's behind it (carelessness, attention seeking?)

Anyway, yesterday, I wasn't feeling very well so I was lying on the sofa. I'd found a position I was reasonably comfortable in so was happy enough (as you can be when you're ill). He came in asking if I wanted a cup of tea. I said yes and he went in the kitchen. Next thing, there was an almighty crash and he was screaming 'AHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHH'. I went in and he'd tipped tea everywhere - all over the worktop, all over himself. He had his leg in the sink with running cold water on it.

I was really angry because I'd had to get up and clean things off (and he was asking things like 'do we have any worktop spray' essentially making me find things.) I would have rather just remained tea-less on the sofa.

We had a big argument and now we are not speaking. He says he expects an apology when I've recovered (and am in a better mood) but I honestly don't feel like giving one. But, I can see from his perspective that he was trying to do something nice and I just seem really cunty in response.

So what do you think? How do I move forwards here?

My DH, massive over reactions and self induced incompetence
He has now learned to go slower and calmly clear up the mess. The dc began teasing him about the excessive swearing for a minor event.
I did grey rock. I literally cba with such silly behaviour. If one of us is actually hurt we come and find the other for help instead of yelling the place down.

This rings so many bells, and this is what work have told him to do. Go slower, think about things etc. It's just basic, grown-up self management.

I agree with other pps that it's not so much the clumsiness but the massive drama that bothers me the most.

I probably have as many 'accidents' as him but I barely notice them myself, let alone alert the whole street to what I've done.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat what did they do about it, management?

I'm afraid I don't know, as I left before there was a resolution.

@Stripedbag101 I do worry about him losing his job over this, eventually.

And also the baby, can I trust him to react appropriately/quickly enough if the baby is in danger? Because if he can't risk manage himself, how can he risk manage others?

BTW, I have to say that in all other respects, apart from this issue, he's a really lovely, supportive partner. He does have some seriously positive attributes as well. It's just this issue that is a problem. Just to give people a fuller context.

Go slower, think about things etc. It's just basic, grown-up self management.

And if you are dyspraxic there is nothing more frustrating and distressing than someone spouting this sort of stuff at you.

Its like saying to a blind person that it is "basic, grown-up self management to open your eyes and LOOK properly at something

He has a neurological difference - you need to accept that.

He has a neurological difference - you need to accept that.

You actually don't know that though @Nimbostratus100 I don't need to start accepting something on the say-so of one person on MN. It is something that I will get him to explore but I think we are miles away from that explanation being a 'solve all'.

My DS, who is being assessed for autism also has no tolerance for mild pain. Having his hair brushed, for example, results in tremendous discomfort/pain
But he doesn't seem to feel more severe pain. I've always found it quite odd! So, is that quite common with autism?

based on what YOU have said, coordination problems, accident prone, distorted pain perception - that is a neurological difference. based on your description only

I'd assume the initial reaction is automatic.
Dh used to react badly when I did that sharp intake of breath when I saw something "bad" happening. It's almost the only things we've had a big argument about and yes, I do it if there's no one else around. I don't think about it, i just do it.
If I was in the playground and looked up and saw a child falling from height, I would do it, and he thought it was me "overreacting". The argument came when dd fell off the bed at about 10 months old and I did it, and he said she was only upset because I'd "overreacted". I'll just say he's never said that since.

So on that, you shouldn't blame him.

However did you need to go and help him clear up? Did he insist, or did you go through and do it anyway?
I ask because I noticed with my FIL there was a bit of a learned helplessness. eg He asked dh if he needed any help making dinner. Dh asked him to cut carrots. He stood there with the carrots, knife and chopping board and said "what shape do I cut carrots?" Dh said "well, they don't change shape when you cook them, so whatever shape you want to eat them in." 🤣 Fil did the carrots.
But I realised that when he said that sort of thing to mil, she'd sigh and say "oh, for goodness sake, I'll do it."
So if you always come through and clear it up, then he may have learnt that he can get out of doing all the clearing by reacting like that.

You can also point out to him that if he reacts like that to all, then you don't know whether it's urgent or not.
When dh threw coffee all over his work laptop, when he called "help" I knew I had to go immediately and dropped everything because he never does that. He was covered in hot coffee, trying to balance a cup so it didn't fall on the floor and break, stop the flow of coffee down the table before it reached his headphones and unplug his smouldering laptop to get it outside before it burst into flames.
But once I'd rescued the cup, and he'd got the laptop into the garden (very interesting smell!) then he didn't expect me to help clear up the coffee. I did, but if I'd been feeling unwell, he would have had no problems with me going back to lie down, or if I was doing something important, then going back to that.

@Nimbostratus100 is there anything you're not an expert in?

Well, no. That’s not what I meant. I’d just suggest approaching it in a different way - essentially validating that he’s hurt, offering him help if needed but relying on him being an adult enough to say ‘No, I can manage’ unless he genuinely can’t. He feels better, she feels less irritated because he’s less dramatic. I don’t see this as ‘walking on eggshells’. And I wasn’t suggesting she cleans up his mess all the time, I was suggesting a strategy that I think will encourage him into doing it himself, without either of them feeling bad.

Or, of course, she can carry on being annoyed by him. Or she can leave him. You can’t change people, you can only change your reaction to their behaviour (and in the process, this may actually change his behaviour). It really depends on whether she wants to be right (because of course he is behaving like a melodramatic baby) or whether she wants a less stressy life with him.

In the kindest way you have said you don’t trust him with his own baby and that his job may be at risk of it.

Either you have extremely low standards or you know this is something he cannot help (aka some sort of ND/disability).

I do think it’s a good idea to get a name for his condition but it’s not going to automatically solve it.
He needs to learn to manage it but it will never go away completely.

I do appreciate that you could look at this as pandering to his bad behaviour, though.

@Nimbostratus100 you clearly have no medical expertise because you are offering a diagnosis on the internet about a person you have never met.

I assume you are projecting here - but it is incredibly irresponsible to assume a condition without a full diagnosis. This man may well have a condition (not necessarily a disability) or he may simply be a drama queen. None of us know.

but this belief that we should all tolerate unreasonable behaviour because it must be caused by a disability is bonkers and disrespectful to those actually living with and managing these conditions

you clearly have no medical expertise because you are offering a diagnosis on the internet about a person you have never met.

And not even based on that person’s own description of themselves. All diagnosed from a few lines which come to us filtered through someone else’s experiences.

It’s alarming how cocksure this poster sounds on the basis of so little.

Agree with this.

My husband is accident prone. He is quite short sighted and also left-handed. I think some appliances are harder to use.

He also tries to do too much too fast - shoehorning in tasks at the last minute - and will tend to exclaim/cry out over bumps and minor collisions. So I was asking 'What's wrong?'

He claimed that the exclamations and cries were just his way of processing things and he didn't really need me to come out and find out what was wrong. I was just to ignore him

Unfortunately the next time he had an accident and I did ignore him it was a worse one than usual. He'd promised me a cup of tea after a long and rather irritating visit was over - we really needed some time to sit quietly together - but then tried to fit in various other tasks while the kettle was boiling. He tripped over the small ledge at the bottom of the French windows and sprained his ankle really badly.

I took him at his word and ignored him while he moaned in pain on the floor for about twenty minutes. Then I relented and helped him up.

That incident led to quite a good discussion about the need to slow down and not try and fit extra jobs in at the last minute. But I think it took him hurting himself really badly for this to happen.

No, of course not 😉

Jesus Christ the lengths some women will go to to help men avoid taking literally any fucking responsibility for acting like giant babies!

OP, this behaviour would be absolutely understandable if you were talking about a child. My son is autistic and dyspraxic and struggles with pain, but there is absolutely no way I would tolerate ridiculous dramatics even from him, there is a difference between being sympathetic and enabling and facilitating bad behaviour.

The fact that this is a grown fucking man acting like a toddler is the most deeply unattractive thing I can imagine. The clumsiness is a completely different and separate issue from the dramatics. One of which he maybe can't do anything about, the other is absolutely a choice, he is an adult and needs to grow the fuck up and start taking responsibility for his behaviour. I seriously don't suggest you pander to him for one second longer. Grey rock as someone said earlier would be my first option, second would be telling him I want to be married to a man, not a fucking man baby and that he either needs to take responsibility and manage his emotions and get help to do so or go and throw his tantrums somewhere else. You already have a baby, I would be concerned that he isn't able to deal with his emotions to normal life, is this really what you want your child to see growing up? What if he hurts himself and lashes out and hurts the baby? What if the baby accidentally really hurt him?

Take a bow @woollysocksandgloves that was perfection

I'm always mystified by the number of women who post that their HUSBANDS have these irritating issues. How do you get as far as marriage with someone like this? Extreme clumsiness and being a drama queen would surely have been obvious from the off, and for me it would be incredibly annoying and a dealbreaker at the dating stage.

If he hasn't always been like this and it's a new phenomenon, seek medical help.

How do you get as far as marriage with someone like this?

In my case... My ex was an abusive alcoholic so I overlooked all of this in DH because he was so much kinder and much more stable.

Take a bow @woollysocksandglovesthat was perfection

Agreed! And this is why I love MN. The consensus is strongly confirming my own feelings.

As someone who who works with people with these issues I completely agree with that poster.

A grown adult does not usually risk his job or act this way in front of colleagues or mates if he’s putting it on.

Yes I agree that he needs to learn to manage his reactions but this is him and it’s something he cannot help.

He isn't a child