Who is in the wrong here and how to move forward (accident prone spouse)

[EightMonthsScared]

Hey MN,

But of background: my DH is incredibly accident prone and has a low pain threshold (like, I've touched his foot with my foot in the past and he's started yelling that I've hurt his toenail - when it was genuinely just a glancing touch, nothing aggressive). I've spoken to him about this in the past and so have his employers. Simple tasks can end up with him dramatically hurting himself and I don't know what's behind it (carelessness, attention seeking?)

Anyway, yesterday, I wasn't feeling very well so I was lying on the sofa. I'd found a position I was reasonably comfortable in so was happy enough (as you can be when you're ill). He came in asking if I wanted a cup of tea. I said yes and he went in the kitchen. Next thing, there was an almighty crash and he was screaming 'AHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHH'. I went in and he'd tipped tea everywhere - all over the worktop, all over himself. He had his leg in the sink with running cold water on it.

I was really angry because I'd had to get up and clean things off (and he was asking things like 'do we have any worktop spray' essentially making me find things.) I would have rather just remained tea-less on the sofa.

We had a big argument and now we are not speaking. He says he expects an apology when I've recovered (and am in a better mood) but I honestly don't feel like giving one. But, I can see from his perspective that he was trying to do something nice and I just seem really cunty in response.

So what do you think? How do I move forwards here?

yes, dyspraxia is a disability, whether diagnosed or not, and you saying "calm down" and laughing just illustrates the piles of distress on distress that sufferers can experience, on top of fear, pain, frustration, lack of confidence, injuries, and damaged possessions etc, they frequently have to deal with ridicule, and a dismissive attitude from the people around them as well

@Nimbostratus100 - again, we have no idea what lies behind this. If this is down to models he himself received growing up, as some here suggest, then there is the potential to develop new ways of thinking.

If it’s something else, then obviously that’s not helpful.

But we don’t know.

And I agree with that regardless of the cause, the reactions almost certainly can be worked on.

Does he only injure himself when there’s an audience?
It certainly seems like he’s very melodramatic; it would put me off being with him.

I agree with @SoSoontobe60 that the suggestions of things to say would come across as patronising and would inflame the situation.

If someone is very distressed (eg having a meltdown) then the primitive part of the brain (dealing with instincts, emotions, flight/fight/freeze etc) has taken over and it is literally impossible to use the more advanced part of the brain (reasoning etc).

OP, I get that this is draining to live with and when you're tired or ill, it must be even more exhausting.

But I can guarantee that it's worse for your DP to live with. Nothing in your posts suggests that he is doing this for attention. It sounds like he has genuine difficulties.

Quite likely to be dyspraxia. Could be other conditions. I'm autistic and have pretty poor gross motor skills - rubbish at throwing and catching, frequently walk into doorways.

Going forward, I'd suggest encouraging your dp to research dyspraxia to see if it resonates with him.

Find a quiet time to sit down and talk together. Explain how his behaviour impacts on you but also listen to him.

In future incidents, check he is ok, help him deal with injuries if it's practical for you to help (baby comes first) but leave clearing up any mess to him.

I don't doubt dyspraxia is a disability. But just because some randoms on the Internet have 'diagnosed' him based on a couple of lines of text, that doesn't mean he even has it!!

I agree. Those kind of phrases to someone who is overly/extremely sensitive will just make things worse.

Personally I’d have said ‘Oh no, are you ok? Do you need help cleaning up or are you fine to do it yourself?’.

I should emphasise that I do not suggest this approach because it’s the ‘kind’ response (though obviously it is the kind response to someone hurting themselves) but because it’s a tactical response. The injured person feels ‘heard’ and supported and by giving them the choice of your help, they feel better, which enables them to self regulate and often they will say ‘No, it’s fine, I can sort it.’ By reacting with irritation or a perceived lack of sympathy, it allows them to feel hard done by and this will escalate the wailing and dramatics. Telling them they’re being dramatic, even by implication by saying something like ‘There’s no need to shout’, will make them feel that you don’t care about their feelings or, by implication, them, which will cause them to increase the dramatics.

I’m saying this as an overly sensitive dramatic person (non-NT) myself. My dad always reacted like it sounds like you react, and it infuriated me and made my reaction worse. DH is sympathetic and offers to help and I nearly always realise when I’m making a disproportionate fuss and tell him I can handle it. DH is a far kinder man.

I have to ask op, does he seriously not know where the surface spray is, and if so how can he not?

he is accident prone, he has poor coordination, he has distorted pain perception.... these things are disabilities, whether he has a dyspraxia diagnosis or not, and you think it ok to laugh at that - ok then. shows what sort of person you are

he is accident prone, he has poor coordination, he has distorted pain perception.... these things are disabilities

No they fucking are not. What a load of shit.

It’s probably not so much the clumsiness that’s getting to you but the drama that accompanies it. If he just quietly cleared up whatever messes he creates and didn’t make an almighty fuss about everything you’d probably barely notice. I think it’s the drama that needs addressing as he may just be one of life’s clumsy people.

@Nimbostratus100 dyspraxia is not necessarily a disability. It depends how severe the effect is.

I have mild dyspraxia. It is not a disability as it does not have a substantial negative effect on my ability to do normal day to day tasks.

he is accident prone, he has poor coordination, he has distorted pain perception.... these things are disabilities

Again, @Nimbostratus100, you are wrong. It depends on the effects.

Being accident prone is not a disability!!!! Having poor co ordination is not a disability!!!!
Having a low pain threshold (whatever the hell that means) is not a disability.

the world has gone completely mad.

this man needs to learn to cope better with his emotions. If he can’t manage his extreme reactions to minor accidents he should seek help - it is impacting his relationships and employment and will have long term implications for his children.

I sense a rabbit hole here re the dyspraxia argument! Op has said they will explore this as a separate issue.

It's the reaction not the action which is the main thing here imo.

My DH, massive over reactions and self induced incompetence
He has now learned to go slower and calmly clear up the mess. The dc began teasing him about the excessive swearing for a minor event.
I did grey rock. I literally cba with such silly behaviour. If one of us is actually hurt we come and find the other for help instead of yelling the place down.

I would have rushed in and helped him with his leg but if I thought he was being dramatic there is no way I would have cleaned it up for him.

My friend did get serious burns from a cup of tea and needed hospital treatment and so I would have been more sensitive in this case but if it’s something minor I would not facilitate his behaviour.

He obviously has some additional needs and most likely has dyspraxia as well as something else so he does need a bit more patience and help than some other people but that doesn’t mean you are his mother and he is capable of cleaning up after himself.

Go back to lying on the sofa and have a movie day.

Like, what would he do if he spilled it when you were out the house? Would he have a sknf and dance about it or would he be quiet and just deal with it?

He's at it op and if I were you I would just turn the TV up and shout through "sprays underneath the sink!"

My friend had to have a skin graft after knocking a recently made cup of tea into herself. Yabu in this instance about being angry at him for being clumsy and yelling.

He may also have sensory issues. I do and people touching me can hurt. They can make me flinch with a very light touch.

He can clean up after himself though a caring partner might help when he's in more severe pain, such as a boiling cuppa being all over their leg.

He spilt boiling water on himself. He didn't do that deliberately. I'm accident prone. I break a lot of stuff. And yes I cry out in pain when I hurt myself. If my partner shouted at me for those things that I can't help, I would consider him abusive.

yes they are - this is what dyspraxia is, and it is the same disability whether it gets a name, or doesn't.

When he has an accident at work, does he yell and yell until a colleague panders to him?

This is an interesting question.

there is clearly something happening at work which has required intervention.

but are the accidents accompanied by the dramatics and need for attention?

is he in danger of losing his job because of his safety record? Has work put in place any extra measures in response to his accidents? Is he disregarding safety protocols or is he tripping over himself etc?

should you be concerned about him walking while holding the baby? If he stubbed his toe while holding the baby how would he cope?

all that needs to be calmly discussed with him. If he is prone to dramatics I don’t see that conversation going. Well.

my childhood was all about tiptoeing around my mother - even to this day any attempt to call It out is met with rage.

So op has to walk on eggshells around him because he's 'sensitive', molly coddle him and clean up all his mess to avoid upsetting him? Fuck that. If that's how he expects to be treated OP RUN!!
I wonder if all these accidents still happen when he's doing stuff he wants? So making cup of tea for himself, a hobby he enjoys, or is it limited to work and the arduous task of making a cup of tea for his ill partner?

@Nimbostratus100 nobody has ever 'laughed at him' in these situations. That's not part of the equation at all.

I wonder if the 'words' had at work were more about this aspect than the H&S problem? Because normally you'd just be told to 'be more careful in future', not have an actual meeting about it.

I used to work with someone very similar. The accidents would all be very very minor (like running something over a foot, no injury no bruising) which would result in disproportionate amounts of reaction (telling everyone loudly about what happened, repeatedly, lots of limping, having to sit down to get over the shock, finding out a bandage from the first aid kit to wear, etc). But the frequent attention seeking behaviour was what really got management involved.

So op has to walk on eggshells around him because he's 'sensitive', molly coddle him and clean up all his mess to avoid upsetting him? Fuck that. If that's how he expects to be treated OP RUN!!
I wonder if all these accidents still happen when he's doing stuff he wants? So making cup of tea for himself, a hobby he enjoys, or is it limited to work and the arduous task of making a cup of tea for his ill partner?

Exactly this. What does he do if he’s alone and has an accident? I couldn’t put up with a grown man acting like a toddler.