The realities of not being able to drive - anyone else?

[LohnJ]

I failed my driving test for the 9th time yesterday and I have come to the decision that I can no longer put myself under this amount of pressure and just invest my time/effort into something else like my career. Yes I was learning in automatic so didn’t make a difference to me. Hoping driverless cars make an appearance soon!

Is anyone else in this situation? Do you not drive because of choice/don’t have a license - if so, how do you get around? Are you picky about where you live? My rental agreement is coming to an end soon so I will be looking at living somewhere with good public transport (where I live currently has an ok transport network - works for my commute). Thanks.

Same here but only one bus whose route took us the many miles between school and home. I don't know how mum schlepped the big back to back buggy onto the bus for the round trip to pick me up from kindergarten. It was brutal hard work, in all weathers.

Sometimes she arranged a lift for me with a neighbour who drove, and chain smoked, whose children were the mean girls of the school.

When my two younger siblings were in school, it was my job to wrangle them home safely. I couldn't have been much more than 8.

Mum was a hopeless case - always preferred the laborious, difficult way of doing things. When dad once tried to teach her to drive on a vast, empty beach with hard packed sand, where you could drive for miles, she headed straight for the waves at about 40 mph. Dad had to wrestle the steering wheel from her and make a sharp turn back toward the dunes.

It wasn't until she was in her mid 60s, after years of insisting that she was doing fine on the busses and the train, which were conveniently located a short walk from her front door, that she took lessons, failed several tests, and eventually passed. She called me in great excitement on a Saturday to tell me she had got all her shopping done in one fell swoop, in the supermarket with the lowest prices! Well, duh, mum... Dsis and I had been telling her she could do exactly that, for years.

The moral of the story is that you'd look differently at your life and perhaps even redefine the word 'convenient' if you had a car.

I don't drive, parents had no money for lessons etc then I moved out of a city at 18 to a town with bus links and a train station and had children with my now dh at 20 so couldn't afford to learn or have the time to. I put into my kids savings account monthly for when they turn 18 and I will strongly encourage them to drive because it has at times made me miserable not being able to but I hope I'll be able to start once they're all at school. We also rent and with the col at the moment it just isn't possible for me.

Yep. All different reasons. My examiner had to terminate my test as he didn’t feel safe driving with me, I asked for my test to be terminated as I couldn’t continue due to overwhelming anxiety… Other than that, I’ve never had fewer than 2 major faults on my tests (the test before my one yesterday, I had two majors and that was it).

I’ve gone through many instructors and none of them can understand why I keep failing! I’ve seen the GP who prescribed some beta blockers which didn’t help me pass my test. I have quite a demanding job which on paper, I would say is more stressful! I may return to learn to drive later in life but for now, I’m happy with readjusting my life to suit my driverless lifestyle.

Are we talking about kids of 9, 10, 11, here, or reception age?

I am diagnosed with dyspraxia and did manage to pass test second time but then went out with parents - they only had the one car between them - which destroyed the confidence I gained then I left for University and couldn't practise and have managed ever since not driving.

I can't say I'll never drive in future - but I hope electric automatic cars get more common and driver assist stuff improves before I get to that point.

I always lived in London & never bothered learning to drive. However I’ve since moved out to Essex and I feel very trapped here not knowing how to drive. Just booking lessons however is such a huge stress for me. I really struggle with this sort of thing.

Well it depends. If you live somewhere flat, safe cycle routes, short journeys and can choose not to go e.g if it’s raining, yes you might be able to continue using a bike.

Getting a 5 and 9 year old from school to swim class 5 miles away does rule out a bike. Especially when it’s at the bottom of a long steep hill.

ETA I’ve just googled the Tern and that’s a 2k + electric bike. I was referring to a standard push bike. Still don’t think I’d like to be taking two primary school aged kids to swimming etc on roads mid winter on one of those, or using it as regular transport. Too dangerous on most roads.

You can take an 11 year old on a Tern, I think.

It may well not be for you - I personally don't feel comfortable on London roads but lots of people do it.

I personally don't either - I wasn't trying to say it is the perfect solution for everyone, just that it is possible.

It's funny you say that about swimming as my next door neighbour actually does take his 7 year old and 9 year old to a swimming class on his Tern very week.

I used to take baby dc to nursery on my bike, literally at the bottom of my road in london, 5 mins.

hit a pothole once after rain and was lucky not to send us both in front of a bus. Fortunately I’d bought a full suspension MTB for my commute (precisely for the potholes, which are often hidden when it rains) so it bounced us through.

i can’t imagine trying to negotiate london roads at speeds an electric bike would go, with the weight of a child/children on the back. Hit a bit of loose gravel and you’re off. Plus the car door openers, been taken out by a couple of those, and the fact that the volume of traffic and narrow roads means cars get close- also been hit by wing mirrors more than once.

I am not trying to sell Terns 😉 or convince anyone, just trying to point out that it's an option and one increasingly used by London parents.

At my son's school (zone 3) about a third of his classmates are now arriving on some sort of bike - sometimes a Tern or other long tail, sometimes their parents have that thing that allows them to tow a kids bike, one parent has a Helios triple tandem thing.

It's just something for non drivers to think about

You have to set up a life as close to as many possible transport links as you can. I live in a town with an airport as well as a great bus and train service. You have to get very used to carrying massive rucksacks on big shop days and yes a lot of time is spent getting to places or planning for it.
You will also have to accept that not all areas-the nice out in the sticks areas have a good Uber/taxi service. For work I have to visit homes and on Saturday I spent six hours-leaving my home at 7am to get to a half hour meeting and back due to the lack of taxi and Uber. This included three separate buses, lots of waiting time and a hike up a pavement less hill. If I could drive it would have taken 1.5 hours tops.
I regret not learning to drive and am restarting lesions as although it shouldn’t not driving reduces job opportunities and is a real slog as you get older.

My mum can't drive, her mum took her test a load of times and failed them all. I was determined to drive and take my mum to the city for shopping etc. But I hated driving and couldn't understand it. Both me and mum have problems with knowing left and right, directions, maps, maths etc. DH passed in his 30s.

My mum seems to think it had a massive affect on my childhood that she couldn't drive. But I didn't think about it at all, it was just how it was. Dad could drive, mum couldn't. I didn't feel I missed out.

DH doesn't mind that he's the driver, and DS accepts that if I take him for a day out then it will be on the bus. It is limiting at times but I know I'd be dangerous on the road as I don't understand it. My reactions aren't great either.

I think it's perfectly possible to live in a large city with good public transport when you are child free without a car. But if you live in a smaller town or rurally or have DC it all becomes a lot harder.

I grew up in rural Scotland (on a farm in the middle of nowhere, not in a village of a few thousand or whatever MN considers rural) and learnt to drive as soon as I turned 17, passed first time. It was essential if I wanted any kind of social life. I lived in cities as a student and so didn't have a car and it was fine but as soon as I got a job and had to commute to a small village I got a car. DH grew up in a city and hadn't bothered to learn as a teenager because he thought he didn't need to drive. It took him 8 attempts to pass his test in his early 30s. I'll be encouraging the kids to learn as teenagers. It's a life skill.

We live in a large town and are walking distance to school and the town centre. But our lives now would be completely different without a car. I work in another town 20 miles away and sometimes work strange hours, public transport is terrible so I couldn't work if I didn't drive. We have 3DC. DD1 plays football in a regional league, that involves a game every weekend all over the region in towns of all different sizes. Without a car she wouldn't be able to do that. DD2 plays in a county orchestra, they practice and perform in different towns, she wouldn't be able to do that. DS is younger and so most of his activities are local but he still has e.g. birthday parties just out of town that are a 5-10 mile drive away so he wouldn't be able to do that. Some evenings all 3DC have activities that are on paper individually within walking distance but there's not enough time to walk from activity to activity and even if there was who wants to trudge all round town at 7pm at night on a cold, dark, wet and windy February evening with kids? Buses wouldn't help, they only go on the main routes, not past X community centre where scouts are held or Y school where swimming club traing is held or Z pitch where football training is.

DH had an operation that meant he couldn't drive for a few weeks. We usually share all the driving of DC to activities and it was exhausting to do it all myself. Would hate it if he still couldn't drive.

@LohnJ have you tried hypnotherapy or CBT or something to try and improve your nerves during the test?

Thank you, I am worried about not having a safety net I guess!

I didn’t learn to drive till a couple of years ago - I’m on P plates and soon to turn 60. The main thing for me, living in Melbourne, was that it meant I had to live near a train line, and limited jobs I could apply for. I never wanted to drive or expected to learn. I had to when I moved to live with my sister in a country town. I’m very glad I did, now, as it gives me independence unlike that of relying on public transport (I am in suburbs of a different city now but the public transport is pretty bad). I barely passed my test, too.

If you’re not safe to drive then the best option is to accept that and not drive.

You’ll be told on here you’ve failed as an adult, you’ll never have a good job and your life will be miserable, but millions of people survive without driving.

You build your life round it. Just as anyone who can’t drive for medical reasons would do.

And one of the plus sides is that it’s less impactful on your life if you never drive than it is if you do drive and then have to give up (either for medical or financial reasons).

The roads would be much safer for everyone if people who shouldn’t drive because they can’t were encouraged to accept that and do what you’re doing!

I didn't learn to drive until I was in my 30s, and managed perfectly fine until then - there was a much bigger degree of having to organise my life around it though. I couldn't do my current job of I didn't drive due to the location and hours. I always lived in cities with excellent public transport or had jobs close by - I learned to drive when I moved to a city where the transport was a bit less good than I was used to.

It really sounds like it's test nerves for you rather than lack of driving ability, wondering if hypnosis could help? (Disclaimer - not when actually driving!)

I didn't do my test until just before ds (my youngest) was born. My tip is do you test at 39 weeks pregnant and have a young male examiner. He couldn't wait to get my out of the car. The first words he said were "I do know where the nearest hospital is" and the second was "we will not do emergency stops". 🤣

Anyway:
I'm in an area which is not good and expensive for public transport. At the point I passed, the fares were just about to go up so taking me and 2 over 5s into town cost nearly £10. That's a 6 minute car journey. The buses are twice an hour... but that twice is within 5 minutes of each other.
Getting to dd's specialist took 4 buses, 6 trains there and back, and about 2.5hours each way. It's 40 minutes in a car.

The way I worked was I didn't agree to do anything without knowing I could get there-and lots of walking. So if the dc were invited to a party that was miles away, unless someone offered (offered, not me ask) a lift, they didn't go. I did have a nice set of parents who did offer not infrequently though. Sometimes it meant arriving 90 minutes early and walking round outside (not asking to go in early) because that was the only way we could be sure of being there... and hanging around for similar times at the end.
Shopping was okay as there was a bus once a week that went to Sainsbury's and stopped outside our door and the lovely driver always carried everything to my doorstep.

Having not had a car, I nor the dc, particularly missed it at the time. However things like we'd have chosen a different secondary school (current one we can't get to by public transport, so is a 50 minute walk: fine for them getting there and back, but difficult if you get a pick up ill or similar). Dd2's (now 19yo) hobby that she's done from when I passed the test she's now assisting at the same place.
Ds was very ill for a while and couldn't have got to junior school (40 minute walk) at all. Having a car meant he could go mornings only.

However if you're not running a car, then tot up what you'll be saving. Can you use a taxi for those really awkward ones? That might make more sense.

I passed my test on my 2nd time last year.
I was 35, so older than most of the learner drivers at the time.

I lived in London for along time previously, so I never needed a car, I didn’t even think of learning.
It wasn’t till moving up north & having my 1st dc in 2019, that I thought ‘hmmm I could do with learning’

I don’t mind public transport, but it was always such a faff getting a bus with a pram or waiting for a bus that never turned up etc. I couldn’t do a lot of baby/toddler groups as they were too awkward to get to and buses didn’t go directly there. What would have been 15 mins in a car, would take an hour on the bus. I didn’t like relying on my dh for lifts all the time either.

It took me nearly 2 years but I passed & it’s been one of the best things I’ve done.
I didn’t find it easy at first & was a fairly anxious driver, but I’m much more confident now.

The level of freedom I have compared to before has been the biggest positive change.

I have made it to my 60s without ever having driven. I live in a town and have always walked to work, in fact I walk everywhere and rarely accept a lift. I never ask for one, if I really need one I take a taxi. No doubt I could go to a lot more places if I drove, but I don't see how I could actually afford to run a car, and I am perfectly happy as I am.

I do not drive by choice. Never had the desire to, and especially now with the cost of living I'd hate to have the costs of a car too.

I have a 15yo DC. It's never been an issue.

Obviously I can't live rurally, but I don't want to, I like city life with lots of things to do. We do not live in London, we live in a medium size town in the east midlands between 2 smaller cities.

Schools are walking distance and most of the local kids walk or cycle to school. DS's school is a 25 minute walk from home. Primary school was 40 minutes so a bit longer.

There are 2 different bus services that run to the cities and nearest airport. They run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The bus stop is just down the road from our apartment building.

The only activity DS wanted to do when he was younger was local, a 10 minute walk away. He doesn't really do any activities now at 15.

My job is a 20 minute walk from home and I WFH 2 days a week.

There is an Asda, Tesco and Aldi a 5 minute walk from where we live, and a Lidl being built soon.

Train station is a 30 minute walk away, with trains that get to London in 90 minutes.

I never ask anyone for lifts as I don't need to. If I was desperate there are plenty of local taxi firms.

I kept failing because of my anxiety OP, in the end it was agreed that my instructor would sit silently in the back seat as he did give me confidence ... I passed!
That was 30+ years ago but I still remember the sheer terror of having a driving test, no fear on the roads at all it was just in that hour.

That happened to me, I’d failed twice already and did the third test in my own car, (my cousin sat with me whenever I drove it, he had a full licence and lived next door) The hand break failed as soon as we got to the test centre. I told the examiner and said I knew I’d have to rebook the test. He told me to pop the bonnet open, looked inside, pointed out where a cable had come loose, he took his jacket off and fixed it! “We’ll continue with the test now”. I thought he was just going through the motions to avoid doing paperwork and was speechless when told me I’d passed. He did say he would have failed me if I hadn’t told him.

While I can drive now (passed my test last month) I don't really drive yet (only one car and OH needs it for work as he has tools to carry) so I have to manage without in day to day life. Game changer for me was getting an electric bike, a cargobike would be even better as then I could do the weekly shop but I've managed with backpack and saddlebags doing a shop every few days when OH hasn't been able to take me to the shop for a big shop. Before I met OH I did pretty much everything on foot, shopping under the pram, that kind of thing. I was rather fit and healthy back then!

I live somewhere without much in the way of public transport, I have a 4km bike ride to drop DS off at nursery every morning (he rides his own bike), then nearly the entire way back again to get to my school, then the same in reverse in the afternoon so cycling 16km every day and its manageable but life would definitely be easier if there were buses so planning to live somewhere with good public transport would be best if you don't think you ever will drive.