How the hell do I do everything now I no longer WFH

[Persuaderama]

I’m a single parent, my husband left a month before lock down so all my single parenting was done whilst, at first fully WFH and then WFH 3 days a week.

Now my employer has decided we have to be in the office 3 days a week ‘for office culture’ (don’t get me started on office culture) and I’m really struggling to keep on top of the day-to-day jobs.

I work quite a senior level role and I come home exhausted and then have to ferry to hobbies/ tidy/ cook/ wash/ do bedtime, all in the space of a few hours before I fall into bed. When I WFH I could do the little jobs throughout the day - have the dinner cooking in oven, put the bins out on a break etc etc - and I was thinking I was bossing single mum life! Not so much now…..

Plus work feels more stressful as I’m losing 2 hours a day to commute time and the noise of a busy office just isn’t conducive to working for me. So I’m getting less done.

Any tips on how to work in an office as a single parent and have an organised life outside…..

Is this really what you'd reply if a good friend asked you in real life for advice on this subject? You'd just tell them exactly how much (more) you do, and that 'we all had to do it' and suggest they've lost their coping skills? I'd really hope not if you were my friend.

Could you really not find one kind word of encouragement to say, or suggest one practical tip that might help the OP (like many others have)?

Also, not everybody has a useless ex to play a part. Some people become single parents by choice. Others have useless ex partners who bugger off far away. Some of them die.

You'll crack it OP. I think the bit I'd find hardest is coping with my productivity and focus going down and the stress this would cause me. You'll adapt to the routines around the bins and meal prep etc. Hope it works out or look elsewhere.

I'm a single parent of 3 Young children. You've "only" been asked to to go in 3 days - that does leave 2 other days? So just plan ahead for the jobs to get done on those days? Stop the "day to day" jobs - few talks have to be done daily - make them every other day

You're universalising your own subjective experience, which is never going to lead you to a sensible conclusion.

I love that people think work from home is less productive when all the measurements say otherwise

Suggests wfh is full of the people who do and the office is full of people feeling busy

On the subject of the OP specifically, I don't have any relevant experience here but do you think the 3 days a week thing is actually going to happen OP? I only ask because I know some people on here have talked about bosses with all kinds of big ideas on this but that don't actually come to fruition. Are your colleagues likely to go for it?

I do up to 60 hours a week WFH but still run our small sheep farm and do lambing in the winter. I just work longer hours that I couldn't do in an office. I work 3 time zones this way.

Then respectfully, what is the point in your post, you have no experience of the scenario the OP is describing as you're a SAHM (your choice), how is that comparable to someone, you know, 'actually' WFH- it isn't and you literally have no clue!!

Why are people contributing to a thread where they have 'no' experience of WFH, if you don't WFH your points are irrelevant to the OP's question🙄

So insightful, we all know how to use Google!

Well it is pretty self centred of you to think that the whole world evolves around young people with no dependents! You do appreciate that when we were early 20s (I am early 40s now) that we have had to be pioneers in terms of pushing forward flexible working, allowing women to continue working in careers after they have had children. Equally, we had our challenges in the work place to surmount, such as pretty normalised sexism, harrasment. If you watch sitcoms from the early 00s late 90s the jokes are assumed to be funny because that is what life was like then. Sitcoms like Men Behaving Badly, Channel 4's The IT Crowd in which the boss is constantly pursuing the female main character who works as his subordinate, she deals with it by avoiding him, there is one episode where he puts rohypnol in to her coffee! I was slapped on my backside with a file going up the stairs in my office workplace in 2003 and other stuff which I won't go into but there is no way that this would be acceptable now. Who do you think have been the pioneers leading that change, it is certainly not just young women as they were either not even born or children. Hardly selfish,or are women who are older not allowed to pursue anything that benefits them!

Why are you contributing if you don't WFH?

People do this while on break. During my legally allowed and UNPAID breaks I often do the dishwasher, start on dinner, vacuum.

It's more useful that chatting by the kettle for 10 minutes

And it's not like that person is speaking for all young people with no dependents anyway. We've had mention in the thread of some who love being able to wfh, which isn't a surprise because people in their teens and twenties aren't a hive mind. It just suits some people to pretend they are.

Our new trainee at my work lives in a geographically isolated area and wouldn't have been able to access the opportunity if remote work weren't available, but some people think the only young adults that count are the ones who can work in offices. Speaking of selfishness and being awful, eh @marniemae

Precisely this!

Firstly, people are inherently selfish. Marniemae needs to understand that. For me, my family will always come first and foremost - way before my career.

Secondly, survey after survey shows that flexibility and WFH encourages more women back into the workplace and thus contributing to the economy. Cannot be a bad thing. Women still bear a disproportionate amount of caring responsibilities and WFH can be the difference for some between being able to continue working or leaving to cover childcare or caring for elderly relatives.

Thirdly - on the OP's point around seniors "not caring" . The continued assertion that juniors need physical proximity to learn is simply wrong. It is incumbent on employers to work out ways to train juniors remotely. I'm always on hand via Teams etc. for my reports and check in on them periodically - nothing has changed pre and post pandemic.

Sounds like u need to work on time management, single parents are usually experts, so I’m sure it won’t take long.

Good post @Cgar2018 and for me, raises a couple of points worthy of discussion.

One is that this is a great example of how people tend to think their selfishness is fine while that of others is a problem. So people who want to wfh because it suits them are selfish, whereas those who want others in the office because that's what suits them are morally better even though the rationale is the same. It's a real double standard, as we see here.

And then also, it's often set out as a dichotomy, that if people weren't wfh they'd be in the office. Whereas actually, there's a third possibility which is that they wouldn't be there at all. There are people who work or work more, purely because they're able to do it at home. DH and I have an ND child and balance those caring responsibilities with remote work. If that remote work wasn't an option, we'd simply do less work full stop. Part of my role involves training, actually, and it might well be the bit I'd simply drop if I were required to do it in person.

@Cgar2018 there seems to be a culture war against people who want to WFH, people go out of their way to demonise, insinuate laziness. In reality I think on some level it's jealousy, or maybe a fear of moving away from the status quo.

What I also think it represents is a corporate, societal backlash in a way. When people WFH they are more empowered away from the standard "corporate" model, have more personal power over their own situation etc. Society has been conditioned (on the whole) to fit the corporate model for decades. It is in many ways a model of disempowerment for your average worker - work to earn money for "the man", give away your time and life to do so, don't step out of line for fear of losing your job etc, limiting your agency and creativity. When you WFH you can take a fresh look at this in some ways - step back from some of the crappy office politics and arse licking and regimented style of working not to mention the drudgerous commute!

I'm freelance and never want to go back into the office world. note: I love work, I still work hard but I have seen another way of working! Not to put down all office jobs and people who work in offices, there is some element value to most in-office jobs and perks of in office working of course, but having the freedom to step away from it is very empowering.

That is such a good point and I agree many just would have to take the third option of not working at all!

I have a hybrid job in Data Privacy/information security and I would not have been able to pursue this without the WFH option. My DH works away quite a bit so when my DC were infants I didn't work for quite a long time as following maternity leave, I had to return to London and the commute is 1.5 HR door to door, I appreciate my DH could have balanced it out but we had our first DC quite young in comparison to our peers (mid to late twenties) and DH was still doing his final part of studies and work at the same time to become an Architect, that resulted in pretty much zero hours of free time. I would probably do things differently now but since WFH has become more widely available I have not had to waste my qualifications on a term time job which is the only way I could work again at the time.

We are now in a position to have DH WFH some days which has evened up our career prospects. We have a 16 year old and 12 year old so that has obviously helped but we still need to be around and WFH has helped accommodate that and allowed us to contribute to the economy.

I wfh and only do laundry at weekends. Family of 3. I havent the headspace to deal with it while working so do laundry and clean bathroom on sat mornings. DH hoovers while I do this. Then I can relax.

If you have been there for more than 26 weeks, then you can put in a formal flexible working request. Your employer is lawfully required to consider your request and can only refuse it for specific eeasons such as it affecting performance etc. 'Office culture' is not an permitted reason to refuse a request. If you have been working from home sucessfully for several years then there is no good reason I can see to force you back into the office.

I work for a HR consultancy, we have gone back into the office one day per week which I quite like, but a few people have avoided even that by putting in a FWR - our employer had no good reason to refuse their request.

OH WFH mostly. He says that where he was waiting for a kettle to boil in the work kitchen, waiting to use the loo or waiting for a colleague to stop telling him about something he didn't need to know he is now stacking the dishwasher, turning on the oven or tidying something. Longer mandated breaks he walks our dog, or does the washing up or something else. His hours are flexible.

I am in no way resentful he WFH even though I cannot. He is so much happier which makes me happier, I have less to do when I get home, he's won awards for his work since he's been WFH (he is technical) so obviously not slacking and he still goes into the office as needed for meetings, training and social. His colleagues are all the same - productivity and wellbeing is up. The office is there should anyone want to use it.

Outsource everything you can. Have your supermarket shop
delivered. If you’re ok with Amazon, get an Amazon prime subscription for the next day delivery option when you need it.

A cleaner is an obvious one, ideally one who is also willing to do extra tasks like change beds, put out bins (or maybe bring them in, depending on which day they come), iron (if you have things that need ironing) etc. Or maybe even put away an online shop that is delivered when they’re there. Take washing out of the machine and put it on an airer. Put what can be tumble dried in the dryer, fold and leave in the basket.

Yes, you will have to pay for this service. But your job could be an attractive one. Cleaners generally spend loads of time travelling between jobs, and they’re not paid for that time. If you can offer, say, five or six hours a week, on one day, someone may really like that. Maybe a fellow mum, as it could be in school hours.

I agree with making food easy for yourself. Batch cook, if that’s your thing. If not, then really really quick to cook stuff like fresh filled pasta and sauce (2-3 minutes in the hob), quick stir fry (but ready cooked chicken or cooked prawns), even beans on toast, or scrambled egg, smoked salmon and toast.

And generally lower your standards for a bit, and see how you feel about that. Maybe clothes get worn more times than they currently do before they’re put in the washing pile. Maybe you both eat a smaller variety of dinners.

Good luck.

eh you are still entitled to your lunch break/toilet breaks and tea breaks etc while working at home

putting a wash on takes a few mins - no more time than it would take walking to the work kitchen to make a cuppa

I often cook my dinner during my hour lunch break so it's ready for the evening!

When I'm in the office I'm always chatting to people in the kitchen, I go out for my hour break to the gym and eat my lunch when I'm back at my desk

my home days I tend to get way more work done as I'm not distracted by others - BUT I also get a few house bits done so it's win win!!!

tbh if i had to go in more than twice a week id probably look for a more flexible job.

DH and I discussed the 'benefits' of Covid of which, working from home and I dont know how we would manage without working from home and flexible working.

What would have happened is one of us would have ended up quitting our jobs. And many (women) did and continue to do so.

You are obviously senior and valuable if you are on 6m notice.
If you are struggling to get volume of work done in office then I’d use that angle to open dialogue to see if fewer office based days are an option.