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How much should I interfere with DD’s clothing and make up choices?

139 replies

MyBatteryIsDead · 15/04/2023 11:44

Just that really. DD is 12 and has recently become much more interested in clothes and make up and styling her hair. She buys things with her own money.

My eldest DC are boys and I haven’t had to think about this before.

DD is heading into town today to meet friends for lunch. This is a very recent things for her to be allowed to do.

She just appeared from her room wearing an orange outfit - as in bright orange - which consists of tight leggings and a matching kind of cropped long sleeved top.

She has straightened her hair and is wearing eye make up - which is beautifully done I admit - which seems to include silver eyeshadow and eyeliner. She is quite obviously wearing make up.

The overall “look” puts me in mind of a young Cher, and would be appropriate for a 70’s disco of some kind, in my opinion.

I said “DD, you look like you are going to a nightclub, not into town, this is a bit much”.

DD became upset and said I don’t understand fashion. We argued about it. She has gone back into her room.

She also keeps wearing a coat that I hate. It looks synthetic and cheap and she looks cold wearing it. I bought some lovely warm coats that are fashionable, but she won’t wear them. I had offered to shop for other coats but she only wants the one I dislike.

I didn’t get on well with my DM when I was the same age. I can’t really figure out if I should be telling her not to wear this or if I should back off. She is only 12 though.

Advice from mums of DD’s - who have good relationships with them, is particularly welcome!

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 15/04/2023 11:49

I was in Primark last week and saw a lot of neon clothes. Is that where she bought her outfit by any chance ?

I think you were pretty mean to say what you did. It's not a school day and I assume you're ok with makeup. This is the perfect age to experiment with silver eyeliner etc

If I were you I'd be interested in what her other friends turn up in. If they also favour a similar look then you owe her an apology imo. It's not what you (or I) would wear but 🤷‍♀️

Sunshineclouds11 · 15/04/2023 11:51

Tbf leggings and crops sets are in, bright colours are also coming back in.

Just because you don't like it doesn't mean she has to not like it.

Pick your battles.

CindersAgain · 15/04/2023 11:52

Unless you can see her nipples or her vulva, try not to say anything at all. Why does it matter if she looks all dressed up? You’re not meant to approve 😂

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Vilt · 15/04/2023 11:52

My advice for what it's worth (I have 3 DDs aged 20, 19 and 12) is to absolutely leave her to it and let her choose.

GBoucher · 15/04/2023 11:52

Let her wear what she wants. Things you think are fashionable won't seem like that to her. Young people have different tastes to their parents' generation, and kids that age are all about fitting in by wearing the same things their friends wear. In order to reduce waste from unworn clothes that you buy her, perhaps you could increase her allowance and get her to buy all her clothes?

purpleme12 · 15/04/2023 11:53

I can't see anything wrong with bright colours

MyBatteryIsDead · 15/04/2023 11:53

Yes it is is @WheelsUp ! You probably saw the actual outfit in there.

I don’t think it is what her friends will be wearing - and one of my main worries was that she might be laughed it, but I could be wrong. Her best friend definitely won’t be dressed like that as her DM is really strict but I could be wrong about the others as I don’t know the whole group.

She will have a coat on (the coat though) which will soften the effect, so maybe I should leave her to it. I don’t want to dent her confidence but I was taken aback when I saw her this morning 😬

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 15/04/2023 11:54

I insist on weather appropriate (so the synthetic coat you hate would be fine with me, even if she ‘looked cold’, if it wasn’t raining heavily - add umbrella - or actually artic conditions). And on company/place appropriate- so no skintight neon crop tops for church/lunch with Granddad etc but out with friends then knock yourself out.

Actually, I’d be really impressed by the confidence to wear this stuff you describe. At the same age I wasn’t half confident enough.

Lndnmummy · 15/04/2023 11:54

I wouldn't be comfortable with a 12 year old in eye makeup and crop tops at all. At 12, I think she is way to young for that.

Mrsjayy · 15/04/2023 11:54

My neighbours teenager dresses like this seems to be the in thing ,honestly i think you should leave her to it or go clothes shopping with her if you don't approve of what she's buying.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/04/2023 11:55

How much money does she get if she can afford whole outfits, make-up and straighteners without you being involved which I assume you weren't as it's a surprise.

To be honest, if they are all wearing the same stuff or similar stuff, it's fine. If she's gone over the top her friends will comment and tease and she'll come home upset and you can sympathise.

At 12 dd went through a Goth/black phase and looked bloody awful. At 24 she thinks it looked awful. Phases come and go. At 12 I still bought her clothes but she chose and some things were awful but I stayed silent. By 14/15 she liked quite prim girly dresses from Oliver Bonas and has stuck with that look since. Had I been prescriptive she may have continued rebelling.

MyBatteryIsDead · 15/04/2023 11:55

Seems the consensus is to leave her to it then. I’ll try and keep my mouth shut from now on, I suppose this is good practice for me 😄 I didn’t expect this until she was a bit older but it seems I am being a bit old fashioned. Thank you for the feedback.

OP posts:
mrsnjw · 15/04/2023 11:55

I have a fourteen year old and sometimes despair of what she wears. She wears tracksuits that look massive and then tight leggings and crop tops! No in-between 🤣.
She has now discovered £1 false eyelashes from primark that I am now picking up from the carpet constantly. It's all an age and a stage. I've come to embrace watching her turn into an adult and all the drama along the way. Pick your battles is good advice.

Mrsjayy · 15/04/2023 11:56

I saw a girl out yesterday with a lacey crop top. I had 1 in the 80s I felt ancient 😅

Mischance · 15/04/2023 11:56

Leave her be - unless it is overtly sexy and she looks like a tart.

I have 3 grown up DDs - I never interfered with what they wore, even if I thought it was gross!

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 15/04/2023 11:58

Ah, fond memories of me shouting 'the futures orange' after dd as she went out the door 🤣🤣🤣

Laughs aside the best thing I did for her was take her into Boots and had the lady colour match some basics with her and find colours.that suit her then showed her how to apply it. Cost a small fortune with buying brushes etc too but definitely worth it.

redskylight · 15/04/2023 11:58

I think you have to go with it unless it's actually indecent.

Crop tops and leggings is quite a normal outfit for girls of that age, and it's great that she is confident enough to wear it. I think experimenting with outfits is very common at that age isn't it? And she'll be moving on to other styles before too long. My 17 year old had a clear out recently of clothes that still fit her but that she was wearing at 14/15 and aren't her style any more. Some of them with very much a "I can't believe I ever wore this" feeling.

ChimneyPot · 15/04/2023 11:59

At least only her outfit was orange. I remember one of my DDs having an orange fake tan phase at about 13

reluctantbrit · 15/04/2023 12:00

I think the error was to not talk about expectations when going out before.

DD wasn't allowed make up outside until she was 12-13 and then mainly mascara, gloss and blush. Not full eye make up regardless how well done.

Also, we talked about clothing, crop tops were a no-go for just having a stroll around town, party or summer was a different story.

I do wonder how much money she has to spend freely, DD got £20/month at that age.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/04/2023 12:00

Mrsjayy · 15/04/2023 11:56

I saw a girl out yesterday with a lacey crop top. I had 1 in the 80s I felt ancient 😅

I was wearing a lacy crop top last night, I’m 48 next week.

I think as long as they are wear enough, covered up enough let them get on with it. I used to wear the craziest of stuff in my youth and still now on a night out all my gal pals will be wearing black while I’m in pink or green. She doesn’t have to look the same as her mates. And if it ends up inappropriate for the activity she’ll learn the hard way.

Catshaveiteasy · 15/04/2023 12:02

Yes, let her wear what she wants unless it's highly inappropriate to the occasion. I think teens can get away with a lot that someone a bit older would look ridiculous wearing - let her enjoy experimenting.

WheelsUp · 15/04/2023 12:03

The most diplomatic thing to have done would be to comment on her eye makeup technique as you thought that she'd applied it well.

Crop top and leggings are very popular round here. The leggings are usually Nike but with the Barbie movie coming out with summer maybe I'll be seeing more neon colours?

Helenloveslee4eva · 15/04/2023 12:05

CindersAgain · 15/04/2023 11:52

Unless you can see her nipples or her vulva, try not to say anything at all. Why does it matter if she looks all dressed up? You’re not meant to approve 😂

This - say nothing - this too will pass

gogohmm · 15/04/2023 12:08

I set limits, any colour they wanted but skirts /shorts needed to be mid thigh minimum and/or with cycling shorts underneath skirts, bellies must be covered, no cropped tops, no strapless tops, bras (excluding straps if they poke out its five) must be worn and covered. Not exactly prescriptive but decent was my point. They are adults now and follow these rules out of choice

mondaytosunday · 15/04/2023 12:08

As long as she's not exposing anything she shouldn't let her be.