How much should I interfere with DD’s clothing and make up choices?

[MyBatteryIsDead]

Just that really. DD is 12 and has recently become much more interested in clothes and make up and styling her hair. She buys things with her own money.

My eldest DC are boys and I haven’t had to think about this before.

DD is heading into town today to meet friends for lunch. This is a very recent things for her to be allowed to do.

She just appeared from her room wearing an orange outfit - as in bright orange - which consists of tight leggings and a matching kind of cropped long sleeved top.

She has straightened her hair and is wearing eye make up - which is beautifully done I admit - which seems to include silver eyeshadow and eyeliner. She is quite obviously wearing make up.

The overall “look” puts me in mind of a young Cher, and would be appropriate for a 70’s disco of some kind, in my opinion.

I said “DD, you look like you are going to a nightclub, not into town, this is a bit much”.

DD became upset and said I don’t understand fashion. We argued about it. She has gone back into her room.

She also keeps wearing a coat that I hate. It looks synthetic and cheap and she looks cold wearing it. I bought some lovely warm coats that are fashionable, but she won’t wear them. I had offered to shop for other coats but she only wants the one I dislike.

I didn’t get on well with my DM when I was the same age. I can’t really figure out if I should be telling her not to wear this or if I should back off. She is only 12 though.

Advice from mums of DD’s - who have good relationships with them, is particularly welcome!

Your cher description made me laugh OP 😆. My teenage DD has emerged from

Aah posted too soon. Emerged from her room in some bizarre outfits. She currently favours fish net tights with everything, regardless of the weather. She has some items that I hate but I bite my tongue.

I think it’s better to leave them to it; some of the stuff my teen DD wears is questionable but it’s not for me to say what looks good and my taste is very different.
The only time I really have an input is family events so when we had a christening we went shopping to buy a dress that we were both happy with

There seems to a trend now for excessively ripped jeans too. Almost disintegrating. DD once sat down awkwardly and the bottom of one leg actually fell off 😂. She looks like she's been mauled by a lion most days. Paired with overly bleached hair, black eyeliner that she sleeps in and oversized acrylic jumpers from primark (my pet hate is crap knitwear ugh) she looks like Kurt Cobain. My point is, teenage girls are meant to make dodgy fashion choices at times.

I don't allow crop tops without a longline vest underneath (so cropped jumpers hoodies ok with those under). I'm lucky with Dd1 so far, she's 13 and likes the witchy/gothic look and carries it off well although it's annoying when she steals my makeup or tops I used to fit into before I was on so much medication. She's disgusted however at the success of Wednesday recently as it seems to have got more people interested in that look and she is unimpressed it might become "mainstream".
Dd2 on the other hand is only 8 but she wears what she likes and couldn't care what anyone thinks, DH is dreading her teens.

I wish I could pull off a neon orange outfit and silver sparkly eyeshadow.

Let the girl live. It's not hurting anyone and she's having fun

Her outfit sounds fabulous.

I drew the line at arse clenching / vulva outlining leggings and butt revealing shorts, and insisted on cycling shorts under v short shirts. And either a bra or tops thick enough than nipples weren’t visible.

Midriffs I would only worry about at particular events like a family lunch in a smart restaurant or something.

Pick your battles, but more importantly don’t crush her spirit - make up and fashion are great forms of self expression and also art.

From your comment about her being laughed at I think you might have been crushed a bit? Or not allowed to flap your wings?

I leave dd to it. She's 11. I do point out that if she wants to wear makeup and be fashionable though, it kind of ruins the effect if she hasn't cleaned her teeth or showered.

I love seeing little goths. I want to run up to them and say:"I usedto dress like you!" But I'm guessing they don't want to see their very normal future😄

"DD, you look like you are going to a nightclub, not into town, this is a bit much”.

Well...she's 12, she can't go to nightclubs, this is her going "out" out.

I said “DD, you look like you are going to a nightclub, not into town, this is a bit much”
When you can articulate this in just one look you’ll be on a par with my mum when I was a teenager.

I have always broadly left them to it. Very occasionally I will ask that smallest (11) puts a jumper on because midriffs aren’t for February (!) but make up, hair, jewellery - it’s all great fun and I remember my own father stopping my mother wearing toenail polish - because ‘it’s common’. I can’t even start on that. I always tell them how extraordinary they look (very neutral word really) and pick my battles.

I agree, 12 is too young. What harm does it do, really? Engage your brain. She's 12. 12 is still young. Full make up, crop tops, leggings. No, not necessary at this age.

Young girls don't need to dress exactly the same way as their friends, I don't understand why so many kids fall to peer pressure. Is it really so hard to be an individual and not a sheep?

Seriously, don't get involved.
She is more likely to know what is in than you are. She will make some mistakes and she will learn from it. DD is 16 now and has it largely sussed but still goes out in things that I go WTF about but only in my head and I assume it is because I am old.

Her best friend definitely won’t be dressed like that as her DM is really strict

Yeah right. Best friend will be in the most outrageous gear of all, having sneakily got changed at someone else's house. Were you never young once?

I work in a high school and the non-uniform days are always interesting. Teenagers (and 12 yo) are a different world...

I had friends who had mums like u, they just use to wear the nasty clothes and coats their mums made them wear to leave the house.
Then they changed in to their proper clothes at a friends house and put their make up on there, all stored at different friends houses.
Don’t push her away.

Lol x post @Skybluepinky

Shocked at the comment by someone saying about a girl looking like a tart. That’s such an old fashioned word. The kind of nonsense my mum would say, but she’s knocking 80.
If your mum likes your look when you’re a teen, then you’re going to hate it. It sounds fine to me, girls are much more polished than I was in my teens.

Well, having engaged my brain, my conclusion is that, while I don't like to see make-up on young children, I don't actually believe that there is any real harm in them experimenting with it, and I think there might be more harm in a parent unnecessarily laying down the law about trivial matters.

As my brain clearly isn't working as you think it should, would you care to enlighten me about the harm that you think it will do?

I’d leave her to it unless the look was concerning.

You say to her " you look nice! Love your eyes! Have you got enough money? OK, have a good time, see you later.Love you x" And then worry about it after she's gone.

I'm told by the house teenager that the 90's is now cool- including neon colours.

Seriously- leave her to it.

I only intervene if you can see through the material (only happened once- cheap leggings, sunny day) or if they explicitly ask.

I do regularly question why ankle socks are considered the most uncool thing ever and trainer socks are only ever acceptable but that's a running joke between us.

Also, poo brown seems to be a popular colour, much to my puzzlement. However, I never mention this.

Agree with those who say intervene if see through or nipples visible.

The OPs DD won't look any worse than a large number of people in the UK though. I visit Belgium and France most years and it is nice to see style still exists in both countries.

At 12 I didn't allow daily make up. At 13, I was fighting a losing battle. At 14, I gave the hell up. If the school wasn't going to enforce their rules, I wasn't going to waste my time and my breath.

I think one of the reasons young people over here tend to adultify their look so soon, is because they're tipped into secondary so soon, and so of course they're influenced more heavily by the older kids and their looks.

I've had some times when I've been worried about my kids being targeted, mocked, branded or perceived as 'tarts' or 'sluts' because of what they wear. Particularly because they went through a fishnet phase, and one of them is heavily into Lolita/Goth fashion.

One outfit damned near gave me conniptions. My then 16 (I think) daughter with a crop top, fishnets, and short skirt. My rather wiser than me DH (in this matter, anyway), said to her, it's your choice how you dress, but you might want to be aware of reactions to you when you go out, and think about that. She did notice a difference in how she seemed to be perceived, and how people seemed to react to her. As a result, she reined it in!

It ain't easy!

The friend with the strict mother will be rebelling soon if she hasn’t already. And it’s possible that she will never have a warm relationship with her.