How much should I interfere with DD’s clothing and make up choices?

[MyBatteryIsDead]

Just that really. DD is 12 and has recently become much more interested in clothes and make up and styling her hair. She buys things with her own money.

My eldest DC are boys and I haven’t had to think about this before.

DD is heading into town today to meet friends for lunch. This is a very recent things for her to be allowed to do.

She just appeared from her room wearing an orange outfit - as in bright orange - which consists of tight leggings and a matching kind of cropped long sleeved top.

She has straightened her hair and is wearing eye make up - which is beautifully done I admit - which seems to include silver eyeshadow and eyeliner. She is quite obviously wearing make up.

The overall “look” puts me in mind of a young Cher, and would be appropriate for a 70’s disco of some kind, in my opinion.

I said “DD, you look like you are going to a nightclub, not into town, this is a bit much”.

DD became upset and said I don’t understand fashion. We argued about it. She has gone back into her room.

She also keeps wearing a coat that I hate. It looks synthetic and cheap and she looks cold wearing it. I bought some lovely warm coats that are fashionable, but she won’t wear them. I had offered to shop for other coats but she only wants the one I dislike.

I didn’t get on well with my DM when I was the same age. I can’t really figure out if I should be telling her not to wear this or if I should back off. She is only 12 though.

Advice from mums of DD’s - who have good relationships with them, is particularly welcome!

I don't have a DD but I do remember being that age and my dad hating everything I wore.
My mam basically let me experiment.
The photos are awful but I felt amazing. I was a bit more adventurous than my friends in terms of clothes but was never bullied or laughed at.
Obviously my fashion sense has settled now and I'd rather be comfortable than fashionable (which also seems to be quite fashionable these days...)

Let her go and experiment. She'll go through phases anyways ie all black, whacky colours, mad hair etc

My DM took her shopping @RosesAndHellebores , she also gave her the straighteners ( and bought her false eyelashes from Primark, which I did ban when they came home! ) and DD saves her birthday and Christmas money.

She has gone out now, once the coat was on top and she put trainers on it looked a lot better and more appropriate.

I did also give some positive feedback on the eye make up @WheelsUp , good idea, I’d missed that in my initial shock !

15yo Dd is dressing like me circa 1990s and dh is finding it unsettling (would never her tell her). She looks great but like all the girlfriends dh had through his teen years.

she’s our eldest. Dd3 is good at choosing sensible clothes but dd2 is much more eclectic. She’s quite bohemian and arty. I let them choose so long as it’s weather appropriate.

I don’t kid myself that I know anything about teenage fashion, so I tend to butt out. My dds always look cold to me, but that’s their look out - they’ve got plenty of available coats & jumpers! I never experimented with clothes at their age & these days I find it incredibly difficult to know what suits me or how to put outfits together, I think they have a much clearer idea of their personal style. Also they buy stuff from charity shops that I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole but always seem to make it look quite cool, so what do I know!?

My dd is 13 and it is all crop tops, leggings and hoodies for her. Sometimes massive tracksuit bottoms but always crop tops. I just leave her to it and admire her confidence.

How much money dd gets is irrelevant. Some could have been gifted, maybe she’s just able to have more pocket money that’s not the point op was asking for advice on.

op i recall a similar incident with my darling dad around her age, I was mortified that he’d picked on my outfit /make up and cried and got very defensive. But he backed off and I had the chance to just crack on, let he make fashion mistakes (if she even is maybe it’s in atm) as someone unthread said, you’re not supposed to approve! And it’s true, this is part of her chance to understand who she is independently growing into a young woman, rightly or wrongly though her look may be, getting involved you’re self sabotaging her experience to do this for herself.

Honestly let it off. Embrace the fact she is happy and healthy enjoying this time experimenting with clothes and make up and having fun with her friends. I've a ten year old and I see it all coming as my DD is make up obsessed. Herself and her friend were practicing one day and the friends mum and I could barely keep our faces straight as they appeared from upstairs with their faces done. Those bright leggings and crop tops are in fashion with young teens around here as well and to be fair only a teen could carry off that look.

Dd is 13, I just let her wear what she wants, makeup included. Providing she's clean, comfortable and reasonably covered (ie not showing underwear) then meh,

My DP were ultra critical of what every Dsis and I wore -and we weren't very adventurous or outrageous - so I've tended to stay out of it and let them experiment with just these guidelines above.

It's worked - they are happy and we've had few arguments over the years.

I really struggle with this with DD(14) and have had to learn to bite my tongue and let her get on with it. She has somewhat 'alternative' taste (as did I tbf) and I've had to accept that she's right, I don't 'understand fashion' and am now firmly in my DM's shoes 30-odd years ago I draw the line at anything really revealing but beyond that it's up to her what she wears, even if I don't like it.

Goodness, let her experiment!

In fact, actively find ways to appropriately complement her on her appearance.

Theres plenty of other sources in life that will try to knock her self esteem.

Don't be one of them.

This

I think let her wear what she likes. She's at an age where she is old enough to make choices about what she wears. I remember at that age wearing Rimmel black cherries lipstick and lots of eyeliner! None of my friends wore anything similar, I didn't stick with that look for long but at that age you're experimenting with fashion and what's 'you' and finding your style. I don't remember my mum ever commenting on what I chose to wear, which was good as I think if anything I would have rebelled against her.

I don't think you should criticise her choices however hard it might feel. DC , particularly young adolescents, are super sensitive and it can be wounding. If I had strong feelings about something eg we were visiting granny I might have attempted a preemptive suggestion but once dressed and ready I think the teen feels hurt. We want them to find themselves and that happens through making good choices as well as mistakes.Praise the food and ignore the bad is my advice , particularly when it really doesn't matter.

Definitely leave her to it, OP. This is about self expression and finding her identity. If she goes out and finds that she looks out of place, she will learn from that - either that she wants to blend in more or actually that she enjoys being a bit different. It's totally harmless.

There will be plenty of times when you might have to intervene in the next few years, but this isn't one of them. Pick your battles wisely should be the mantra!

Oh I remember that stage well.

Let her be. As long as you can't see her tits or her fanny and she isn't going for lunch with grandma. (Although my mother encouraged my DDs to be as wild and arty as she was. Not always with the best results)

Take photos because when she's 25 she will cringe and you'll be able to laugh together at her choices.

I still remember the row dd and I had over a pair of white hot pants and it honestly wasn't worth it.

My two girls are now in their 20s and wearing neon so it must be the fashion.

I tell DD if her outfit is too much. At that age, I would have vetoed a crop top as being inappropriate. She has a larger chest and told her that she can't get away with stuff her flatter friends can without looking tarty.

She's wanted to go to parties in dresses I've hated but she's 16 now so I'm a bit more relaxed. If it's too much though, I still tell her.

Leggings i have no issues with, same with make up and hair.

Yeah I agree leave her to it unless it looks really age inappropriate. My dsd and niece are 13 and live in crop tops and leggings.
I love how the 90's look is coming back, crop tops and combats etc very all saints ! Wish I still had the body for it to be honest !

Isn’t 12 a bit young for full on make up??

Pick your battles. Let her experiment.

Personally, I hate seeing make up on kids this age, and I was very glad that dd didn't really experiment with it much at that age. However, many kids do, and I don't think it's worth picking a fight over it. It might not look very nice, but what harm does it do, actually?

Back off and be bloody kind. You wouldn't say that to a friend and unless she's grossly underdressed you don't have the right the comment on her fashion negatively

I didn't agree with my DM at that age.

She many years later admitted she managed it by telling me she absolutely loved any outfit she didn't want me to wear.

Evil genius - I would straight away drop the offending item and never wear it again, so keen was I not to agree with her.

So reverse psychology is worth a try

Why? What's the negative impact going to be?

Yeah, I didn't understand the problem. Does OP think she looks ... daft? ugly? unkept? None of that would bother me. Didn't sound highly sexualised , either.

DD went nuts for make up at age 9, in holidays, all purchased with her own pocket money. She looked like a clown. I tried to coax her to wear less. Resistance. After 2 weeks she toned it down to just occasional experiments & became master at effective but invisible make up as a teenager. Didn't need to be a conflict point at all.