How much should I interfere with DD’s clothing and make up choices?

[MyBatteryIsDead]

Just that really. DD is 12 and has recently become much more interested in clothes and make up and styling her hair. She buys things with her own money.

My eldest DC are boys and I haven’t had to think about this before.

DD is heading into town today to meet friends for lunch. This is a very recent things for her to be allowed to do.

She just appeared from her room wearing an orange outfit - as in bright orange - which consists of tight leggings and a matching kind of cropped long sleeved top.

She has straightened her hair and is wearing eye make up - which is beautifully done I admit - which seems to include silver eyeshadow and eyeliner. She is quite obviously wearing make up.

The overall “look” puts me in mind of a young Cher, and would be appropriate for a 70’s disco of some kind, in my opinion.

I said “DD, you look like you are going to a nightclub, not into town, this is a bit much”.

DD became upset and said I don’t understand fashion. We argued about it. She has gone back into her room.

She also keeps wearing a coat that I hate. It looks synthetic and cheap and she looks cold wearing it. I bought some lovely warm coats that are fashionable, but she won’t wear them. I had offered to shop for other coats but she only wants the one I dislike.

I didn’t get on well with my DM when I was the same age. I can’t really figure out if I should be telling her not to wear this or if I should back off. She is only 12 though.

Advice from mums of DD’s - who have good relationships with them, is particularly welcome!

My mum hated my make up choices, however, as an adult letting me where what I wanted and do what I wanted with my make up has really made me the Adult I'm now. I am very confident in what I wear and my make up.
Yes, I look back at some pictures of oh my God would never wear that but it gave me the confidence I have now, and young girls, especially need confidence in the world, which is dominated by men.
im mid 20s now

This is what we do too. With the addition of no animal prints.

Oh no Mum!
Don't make this mistake again, tell her she looks beautiful. When she wears any sort of coat, compliment it. Much better she is body confident but covering up a bit than revealing all in skintight gear. She'll confide in you if you build up her confidence.

@gogohmm You sounds incredibly restrictive and sexist. Whats wrong with not wearing a bra, or a strap showing? Ooo someone might see a strip of cotton god forbid. Theres a different between decent and then being completely over the top!

see above @ChickenSoupAndLokshen . And what on earth is wrong with animal print?

I would always say 'nice outfit and amazing make up' plus 'don't forget your coat'.
But I probably would also have had a conversation about being aware that if you look older you may get treated that way too - which might not be welcome. Make sure she knows she can come home, ring you, etc and has enough money and wherewithal to get home safely.
Leggings and crop tops are ubiquitous teenage wear.
In my experience, younger teens often wear too much makeup and get their own look over the next couple of years. I wouldn't stress about it.
My own DD wears no makeup at all but her dress sense is all hers.

I was young once! and I wore what I liked and definitely wore some “eye catching” outfits myself.

This has been a really interesting thread for me to think out about though an to look at the range of responses.

I was allowed to wear what I liked at that age, and go wherever I liked and wasn’t questioned about it at all really. My DP’s would probably describe their parenting style as having been liberal and they saw themselves as being quite bohemian.

My view of it though is that they failed to parent at all, throughout my teens. I had no curfew, there was no comment on underage drinking or smoking or anything else that I was involved in (when I was not much older than DD is now), no concerns about me having older friends or where I was when I went out at night, or about having boyfriends who were much much older than I was, throughout my teens.

I would quite liked to have had the kind of mother who told me not to wear short skirts and who wanted me home by a certain time - and did actually gravitate to a family where there was an fairly strict or “over protective” mother (who was the mum of one of my friends) and spent a lot of time at their house growing up.

I found it a bit difficult when my DS’s first hit their teens, in terms of putting rules in place about times to come home etc, but managed it.

DD getting to this age seems to be bringing a lot of stuff up though. I asked the question on here earlier, as in situations like that, when I think to myself “What would a good mum do?” then I’m genuinely unsure of the answer!

Reading the responses though has convinced me that it isn’t really about the clothes and that I can still parent and protect her properly even without making her take the eye make up off 🙂

I just say they look great and let them crack on. Colours and fashions change - although the current glut of beon reminds me of when I was growing up!

The costs that you bought and call fashionable, aren’t not fashionable. Not to her.

A parent insisting their idea of fashionable, must be their child’s is just asking for an argument.

Telling a child the clothes they picked out are bad, is going to end up in an argument. And it can be really stinging to young girls self esteem.

I don’t see the issue with make up. People don’t like to see it on younger girls, but I can’t ever figure out why.

Make up isn’t necessary at any age. So I don’t get the ‘it’s not necessary at 12’ argument.

Make up up isn’t meant to be necessary. For anyone.

I let fashion/makeup stuff slide. As long as their underwear isn’t on show (which I haven’t noticed upon them leaving the house, it’s just disrespectful isn’t it!!) they can wear what they like wherever they like. Same as me.
Why the battle about makeup before a certain age? It’s a form of self expression.
I don’t wear makeup (well, very rarely. I do however look after my skin) but both my girls did as teenagers.
When they leave the house I usually just think they look a bit weird with their clothes choices but I’d never say it, what a way to bash their confidence. They just choose to dress very differently from me!

I don't understand people saying it's okay as long as her friends wear similar clothes to her. She's her own person and it doesn't matter if her style is similar to others or not.

We’re coming out the other side of it now, and I definitely learned my lessons. This is what I found:

Don’t comment negatively. She’s experimenting with style and that will chop and change radically over the next few years.

Always find something to compliment. “Your hair looks great. Fantastic eyeliner, I wish I had your skills. Great choice of earrings with the outfit.”

Never comment on body shape - too tight, too small, too short, you look fat in that.

Strongly encourage charity shop shopping. This shows her an affordable way of building her own style which means she isn’t chasing the latest look. Giving her and a friend a tenner each to find an outfit was a big hit for us.

That you are questioning your first reaction shows you are a good and caring mum.

My view of it though is that they failed to parent at all, throughout my teens. I had no curfew, there was no comment on underage drinking or smoking or anything else that I was involved in (when I was not much older than DD is now), no concerns about me having older friends or where I was when I went out at night, or about having boyfriends who were much much older than I was, throughout my teens.

I would quite liked to have had the kind of mother who told me not to wear short skirts and who wanted me home by a certain time - and did actually gravitate to a family where there was an fairly strict or “over protective” mother (who was the mum of one of my friends) and spent a lot of time at their house growing up.

But there is a vast middle ground between the two parenting styles you describe here. For me, short skirts are no issue but I still want DD to stay in touch and be home at a reasonable hour.

I would intervene like a shot over dodgy much-older boyfriends, underage drinking, smoking. Those are all things that could lead to significant harm.

Clothes and make-up are very different and I’m inclined to let dd experiment. Nothing good comes of being overly critical of how a young girl looks. I don’t buy into the idea that dressing a certain way will mean she gets sexually assaulted.

As for pps referring to girls looking ‘tarty’ — wtf is that all about? Is it 1972?

Animal prints look hideous on anyone, regardless of age, that's what!

Not all of us are insecure enough to need make-up. I agree with a PP, it isn't necessary for any age. I don't wear it, ever. Don't see why I should. Who does it benefit? My own confidence? I feel confident without it.

What does allowing a 12 year old to wear makeup teach them? That their face isn't good enough or pretty enough without it? Top parenting.

I don't disagree on animal print but thats a personal opinion that your kids might not share. Why not let them have their own likes and dislikes as opposed to pushing yours onto them judgementally. top parenting 🙄

It was just my opinion. Didn't tell anyone to stop wearing them. I personally find them ugly. That's the meaning of personal opinion, is it not?

@Scalottia you said you wouldn't let your kids wear them? so you did tell someone to stop wearing them. If it is just you who doesn't wear them and you dont infringe then crack on

Because she'll look like she's fallen into a sale rack at Marks and Spencers?

@NeverDropYourMooncup I agree and thats our opinion but maybe not hers. Thats her choice isn't it?

I'm just back from shopping with my mini goth. Platform boots, a leather corset over a long black dress and a coffin bag was her outfit today.

I make sure I take plenty of pics to embarrass her with when she's older lol.

But I always compliment her. I like that she enjoys expressing herself through her clothes. It passes I know from experience.

And I get to steal her makeup lol

@Flaskfan

that would be so very cruel!

If you said she was 15... ok. But 12? Hmm.

Though I'm not one to listen to as my girls are 4 and 1! 😂

I must be lost, sorry...where did I say that I wouldn't let my kids wear animal prints? I would allow it, but I wouldn't love it!

I would draw the line at full makeup though, until a certain age.

@Scalottia you said it here?

Sorry - I was making a joke about it, as it used to be seen as very risqué (which could be why parents refuse to allow it), but is now something sold alongside nylon cardies and those bloody stripey jogging bottoms masquerading as office wear.