How much should I interfere with DD’s clothing and make up choices?

[MyBatteryIsDead]

Just that really. DD is 12 and has recently become much more interested in clothes and make up and styling her hair. She buys things with her own money.

My eldest DC are boys and I haven’t had to think about this before.

DD is heading into town today to meet friends for lunch. This is a very recent things for her to be allowed to do.

She just appeared from her room wearing an orange outfit - as in bright orange - which consists of tight leggings and a matching kind of cropped long sleeved top.

She has straightened her hair and is wearing eye make up - which is beautifully done I admit - which seems to include silver eyeshadow and eyeliner. She is quite obviously wearing make up.

The overall “look” puts me in mind of a young Cher, and would be appropriate for a 70’s disco of some kind, in my opinion.

I said “DD, you look like you are going to a nightclub, not into town, this is a bit much”.

DD became upset and said I don’t understand fashion. We argued about it. She has gone back into her room.

She also keeps wearing a coat that I hate. It looks synthetic and cheap and she looks cold wearing it. I bought some lovely warm coats that are fashionable, but she won’t wear them. I had offered to shop for other coats but she only wants the one I dislike.

I didn’t get on well with my DM when I was the same age. I can’t really figure out if I should be telling her not to wear this or if I should back off. She is only 12 though.

Advice from mums of DD’s - who have good relationships with them, is particularly welcome!

@NeverDropYourMooncup I never knew it was considered risque 🤣

Leave her to it. I never interfered with my DDs clothing and make up choices. It's part of growing up!

I was unintentionally evil one day. We were on holiday and at a very busy family pub when a bunch of 13-14 year olds sat in the shadiest corner of the beer garden, glowering adorably at the world through their black hair, heavy makeup and all black outfits.

I burst out with 'AWWW, LOOK, BABY GOTHS! THEY'RE SOOOO CUTE!' (yes, it was my first red wine since stopping BF).

Poor little things. I think they were expecting to be feared or hated.

Erm, that's not me, it's another poster.

@Scalottia apologies my bad.

I dropped one of my daughters off years ago for a night out..she had a cute top on and the tightest stripey leggings I've ever seen in my entire life.. I watched her from behind marching off into the sunset..I needed to go home and lie down in a darkened room. She didn't have a teeny weeny arse either.

YABU and she is right, you do not understand fashion. Let her be.

My teen prefers charity shop chic and the best description of her style is 1950s geography teacher, tweed jackets, cord trousers, shirt even a bow tie she pulls it off and looks fab with her short, fire red hair BUT I suspect she's far more likely to get bullied in our area than your DD who is wearing today's fashion, even if she looks like she's been tango'd

I'm amazed you've got all the way to 12 without her disagreeing about clothing. My dd is only 10 and has been very particular about her clothing choices for a long time. I usually just let her go with her choices unless it's school uniform or totally impractical for the activity. We once went for a walk and she wore wellies and a wetsuit because it was raining.

Honestly, let it go. Having suffered from a mother who tried to make me buy what she considered ‘classic’* clothes when I was a young teen (and this was in the 60s!) I rather went the other way with dds.

I pretended to love the way one teen dd had dyed her lovely hair (and to me, ruined it!) ditto all the 5 or 6 piercings in one ear, etc. And what she actually called her ‘slut’ boots - purple, over the knee….

At that age they don’t usually want anything their mothers will approve of! It goes with the territory.

*Why don’t you get a nice classic camel coat?’ was just one example. I wouldn’t have been seen dead!

Was it this kind of thing? It's just leggings (which I'm sure you are ok with) and a crop top.

@mybeautifuloak - imagine a scoop necked low cut version of that top, in a ribbed material. I prefer your one !

My mom HATED my clothes ( rock/goth) it ruined my confidence. Said it was a phase.
As an adult i’m still into it.
my friends are not, but i don’t care.
you have your style, she has hers!

Sounds like an outfit that I've seen girls that age wearing, it's nice that she's taken an interest in finding her style.

And who cares if she's cold? She's 12 that's for her to decide, give it a year or so and you will be lucky to get her into a coat at all.

It’s just clothes, OP. And she’s fairly covered up, even if it is all drum-skin tight. You can do the parenting and the boundaries and the communication even if she’s in a mini skirt and a bra top. My DD is 17 now, and I must admit I found 12-15 hard to navigate. It might be good for you to work out, even just for yourself, what your hard NO WAYis.

I’ve always just said to my now-16yo DD ‘you look beautiful, love how you’ve done your eyes’ while saying omg what are you wearing in my head.

My mum wisely kept quiet or worse complimented me. Me a moody teen wanting to upset my mum and she was saying Oh your eye make looks nice! When I (secretly) wanted "Go and wash that muck off! I was so silly!

My eldest DD is 11 and is starting to experiment with her own style, so have been interested to read the responses here. I think it’s an important point that a previous poster mentioned about discussing with them that if they look older, they may get treated older then they are, and what to do in that situation. Some of DD’s friends, especially the taller ones, look nearer 14-15 when they’re wearing make-up/crop-tops etc. Which is fine, and I’m not saying they should change the way they look, but if they then get bothered by men or teen boys in town then they need to know how to handle it. It’s a horrible fact of life that there’s pricks in every town centre ready to make pervy remarks or try it on.

Mine too.

I said it wasn’t necessary for anyone.

I didn’t say people who wear make up must be unconfident. Because that’s not true.

Make up isn’t just used to hide features or change your face. I don’t often wear make up. When I do it’s because I fancy doing it. I love colours and using different ones on my eyes. My make up skill is nowhere near it needs to be changing my features. I am mixed race with lots of freckles and never hide them. My adult dd is the same.

Some young girls do wear make up to try and boost their confidence and feel unconfident without it. But plenty are fine either way and use it as a way of expression and experimentation.

Letting a 12 year old wear make up (my dd wasn’t interested until she was older so don’t have a dog in this race) isn’t telling them their face isn’t good enough. Just as forcing them to not use it or banning means they will take ‘you are fine without it’ as the lesson.

It’s true. That is a fact of life. However, my adult dd would often get this when she wasn’t wearing make up or even dressed quite modestly.

She looks very young for her age. When she was 16 she looked about 13/14. It didn’t matter what she wore this would often happen.

Unfortunately, girls looking younger or avoiding wearing certain clothes or make up doesn’t protect them from this. Certainly doesn’t protect them from actual predators.

My girl was taken for 21 when she was 13. She's stacked, which doesn't help.

I so admire the body confidence of so many young ones now. They dress for them, not for other people. That goes for make up too. Good on them.

Oh god, the camel coat, when everyone else was wearing leather jackets. Then suggesting the Sloan look was classic and timeless! No no pearls just lots and lots of plastic for me.

My DD is 15 and just coming out of her goth stage.

I compliment anything I like and don't mention anything I don't like. I'm not wearing it after all.

She wears smaller tops than I would like but nothing indecent.

basic mantra, unless it is a wedding or a funeral stay away of clothing discussions with your teen.

basically unless clothing needs to be particularly respectful it doesn’t really matter. I only even mention weather appropriate if I know they forgot to check and then only to the extent of you might want to look at the forecast.