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Original poster

AIBU Going on a Hen Do Abroad

319 replies

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 08:37

I've never been on a girls Hen Do away and this one is abroad. I got very excited when I was invited there is only 5 of us going for 3 nights so assumed it would be quite laid back. and I committed to flights without knowing the accommodation costs and itinerary and things have got out of hand! Which in hindsight I should have asked first.
I have 2 kids 12 and 9 and have never left them before, obviously they will be with their dad and well looked after so I'm terribly nervous about that. But thought maybe a weekend away would be good and be much cheaper than a family holiday as things are tight this year and we are already going away as a family later in the year. And I've never been away with the girls.

However the costs have spiralled and I feel so guilty as for the amount I am now paying I probably could have done a cheap holiday abroad with the kids.

It's £400 each for accommodation, flights £200 return
But then the activities have got out of hand, tours for £70, beach clubs for £70 each which does include some food, a meal out £70 each and I feel like I now cannot say no as I will lose the money I have already paid and I cannot exactly go and not participate in the activities for a hen do, the beach club is all afternoon and I know the drinks will cost a fortune while I'm there cos you are stuck there. I wrongly assumed that we might just explore the city during the day and go shopping or something,

My Partner is going mad about it now, but I work obviously so its not his money but in hindsight could of been better spent

I'm gutted I feel like I have completed wasted some of my savings, do think there is any way I can get out of it or am I just going to have to suck it up now? Do you think I am over-reacting and probably have a really good time??
Realistically I will probs not get to go one again abroad. Am I just being over anxious, I'm not a natural spender and definitely a saver so this is a lot for me!!

OP posts:
Namechangingagain111 · 11/04/2023 13:22

You've spent the £600 anyway now, whether you go or not
You're likely to spend a lot more and have a really crap few days - if it was me, I'd wouldn't be going, it's an even bigger waste of money to go and spend more !

LlynTegid · 11/04/2023 13:22

I would never have agreed to go, but as you have committed most of the expenditure I think you should. Your partner's unhappiness should be at the 'hen' not you, for such an extravagant plan.

Everydayshouldbe · 11/04/2023 13:26

You should go. Are there no free things you could do while you're there? look on tripadvisor for the best (free) things to do in the resort. You could post in the chat (or say when you're there) that you've heard of this great beach/quaint village whatever that you'd like to go to instead of the club. Bet someone else will say they want to too.

Gerwurtztraminer · 11/04/2023 13:26

I mean by the time I go I'm sure they will get over me asking about the cost all the time!! If they don't and hold it against me then it says more about them.
Exactly. Keep that attitude and you will be OK. The bride is your main friend so I 'd call her (not text - actually speak to her) and tell her that you are getting a bit worried about the cost and so won't be doing everything. Then put something light and matter of fact in the What's App saying the same thing "hi all, just so you now, this is getting way over my budget so as I've told [bride's name] I will have to opt out of a few activities, hope you understand".

I'd not pay the deposit for the beach club, it makes them think you are definitely doing it. Also I don't even know why they are saying you need to book in advance anyway, these sorts of things tend be done once you get there and most are hardly going to be completely full and you can probably still join if you then decide to.

Don't worry too much; once you get there you'll relax and enjoy yourself even if not doing everything they are. Sounds like some of that isn't your thing anyway so not even missing out. If anyone is a bit snarky just be pleasant but firm back "I explained I wouldn't be able to do everything but you all have a good time".

Tell partner to wind his neck in with the moaning, you've done what you can to limit costs and stop telling him anything more about the trip. Kids will be fine for a few days so that's just pointless guilt.

IsAGirlMumma · 11/04/2023 13:27

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 09:58

I only know the hen!
The bridesmaids are organising and they have picked some really expensive places where you have book and pay upfront £70 per person, really touristy pretentious places
They always want to split the bill too.
I honestly think I will lose the money for the accommodation which is £400 or I could plead with the Hen and change the flights I booked but to be honest she might fall out with me over it if I pull out.
The itinerary has got even more out of hand since I last posted to be honest.
I'm sitting crying as just don't know what I'm going to do

You've just got to be honest. Tell the bridesmaids that the cost is getting a bit much and that you cant afford to do all the activities

burnoutbabe · 11/04/2023 13:29

I'd probably consider eqxh activity and consider the likly extra costs

So a 1 day tour is probably okay -a fixed costs.

Breach club will also add drinks so I'd duck out of that else you will feel awkward when there saying you won't drink anything nor share any of brides costs. Simplest to just not be there

Suck up the "main meal out" cost but don't go onto the club

Just say you have to budget so can't do everything (and also want to enjoy relaxing and getting some sleep!)

Boltonb · 11/04/2023 13:36

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 08:56

Bcos I haven't been on one Valid8me but thanks for being helpful

I haven’t been on one either becoase i just wouldn’t, but im not sure how you expected it to be less than a grand?

Elaina87 · 11/04/2023 13:40

It is a lot of money, maybe you could dip out of one or two of the plans? The tours perhaps? Just be honest and say you can't wait but you might not be able to do everything that's been planned due to money. It's so hard leaving your kids, but they will be fine and like you say you'll likely never do it again, it's a one off. Try and enjoy yourself :)

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 13:47

Arapawa · 11/04/2023 09:03

Why couldn't you all just have gone out for a curry locally instead of spending obscene amounts of money going abroad. Why are people still flying when they don't need to? We have a climate crisis as well as everything else. Grrrrr.

Because they didn't and don't want to. Because you have to fly to get to all of the places?
As if I'm staying here and going nowhere else, fuck that!

Silverbook · 11/04/2023 13:58

I wouldn't think twice about cancelling the activities if it mean I could go and feel more relaxed about finances. Think about it- an afternoon/evening alone abroad....that's the ultimate dream!!!

Silverbook · 11/04/2023 14:02

Arapawa · 11/04/2023 09:03

Why couldn't you all just have gone out for a curry locally instead of spending obscene amounts of money going abroad. Why are people still flying when they don't need to? We have a climate crisis as well as everything else. Grrrrr.

Flying accounts for less than 3% of global GH gasses. By next year our use of the internet will account for almost 4%. You better log off, @Arapawa

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 14:06

Silverbook · 11/04/2023 14:02

Flying accounts for less than 3% of global GH gasses. By next year our use of the internet will account for almost 4%. You better log off, @Arapawa

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😂😃😅

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 14:09

Meandfour · 11/04/2023 09:07

🙄

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@Arapawa

don’t be so boring
some people actually like to get out of the country from time to time and don’t wanna just do things locally all the time especially for special occasions

Ktime · 11/04/2023 14:09

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 13:10

@allmyliesaretrue they aren't good friends I only know the hen and it's all been done via WhatsApp so haven't had a chance to input any alternatives.
But I feel a bit better after reading all your messages, I think I need to go now I can't lose £600 but will do the majority, meals etc. The club in the evening is very expensive and I hardly drink so I will just leave that. Think I will pay deposit for beach club as it's only a small amount but then decide near the time if I want to go. If I'm not enjoying it prior to going to beach club then I will make an excuse and not go and do my own thing. If I'm enjoying myself I will go xx
I mean by the time I go I'm sure they will get over me asking about the cost all the time!! If they don't and hold it against me then it says more about them.

I think this is the right approach.

The £600 has been spent now, so enjoy the hen do abroad knowing it’s a one off and that you never have to be suckered into one again.

And yes to cancelling the club and anything else you don’t fancy or can’t afford.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 14:10

Namechangingagain111 · 11/04/2023 13:22

You've spent the £600 anyway now, whether you go or not
You're likely to spend a lot more and have a really crap few days - if it was me, I'd wouldn't be going, it's an even bigger waste of money to go and spend more !

@Namechangingagain111

why do you think she would have a crap few days? Cos she’s away from her husband and kids??

StoppinBy · 11/04/2023 14:11

I'm a natural saver rather than spender too but if these are close friends that you'll enjoy the activities with and you can afford it.. sometimes it's great fun to throw caution to the wind, forget the cost and just go have a ball.

If you can afford it and will enjoy it, go, havr fun and don't feel an ounce of guilt.

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 14:11

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 13:10

@allmyliesaretrue they aren't good friends I only know the hen and it's all been done via WhatsApp so haven't had a chance to input any alternatives.
But I feel a bit better after reading all your messages, I think I need to go now I can't lose £600 but will do the majority, meals etc. The club in the evening is very expensive and I hardly drink so I will just leave that. Think I will pay deposit for beach club as it's only a small amount but then decide near the time if I want to go. If I'm not enjoying it prior to going to beach club then I will make an excuse and not go and do my own thing. If I'm enjoying myself I will go xx
I mean by the time I go I'm sure they will get over me asking about the cost all the time!! If they don't and hold it against me then it says more about them.

TBH this was always a risk if you only know the hen. As someone else suggested, speak to the bride quietly and tell her you may not be able to join in everything but that you are looking forward to celebrating with her. Do a bit of research and maybe put forward some alternative suggestions. The others can only say no.

Can you say roughly where you are going and people may have suggestions from their own experience?

Hey though - it's only 3 nights, but you will be partner-free, child-free and responsibility-free for that length of time! It would be a shame not to enjoy it. Set the money thing to one side - what if you were someone who went on a hen abroad once a year for instance, or more? How much would that have cost?

Sod the money, there are no pockets in a shroud. Go and enjoy yourself. And maybe you will be making new friends.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 14:12

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/04/2023 10:24

You’ve never been apart from your children in over a decade. It doesn’t sound like you do very much for yourself at all. Go on the holiday and enjoy it, it sounds like a one off opportunity for you. Life isn’t all about saving money and doing without because you have children.

This!

don’t know how ANYONE could possibly argue with this

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 14:14

SunnySaturdayMorning · 11/04/2023 11:19

This. You should have thought about this properly. It’s not fair to waste so much money.

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@SunnySaturdayMorning

not fair on whom?

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 14:17

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 14:14

@SunnySaturdayMorning

not fair on whom?

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I tell you what's not fair @SunnySaturdayMorning - it's not fair if the OP doesn't have some jurisdiction over spending her own money!! My DH wouldn't dare...!!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 14:19

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/04/2023 12:09

I agree - you say yourself the money could be better spent - "better spend" it.

Particularly when you are not on board with many of the activities. You'll end up spending £1,000+ for a weekend that you don't particularly enjoy.

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@Emotionalsupportviper

i don’t think the money could be better spent. Op hasn’t had a break away from her kids ever! What better thing could the money be spent on then a fun weekend away abroad with pals ? 😀

Zanatdy · 11/04/2023 14:28

Just go and enjoy yourself. Your kids will be absolutely fine and not a chance you could have paid for a family holiday abroad for that cost

gamerchick · 11/04/2023 14:31

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 09:03

Can't change accommodation I'm sharing a room with the Hen in a hotel so can't really pull out of the accommodation
I'd like to pull out of going to that beach club but then I'm on my own all afternoon and will.look like a right boring twat.
I was really looking forward to it but now I'm having second thoughts I'm worried I'm going to spend all that money and not enjoy it

An afternoon alone in a beautiful place sounds like ruddy heaven to me. Come on lass, you can't afford it. Pull out if the stuff you don't want to do. Tell them you can't afford it.

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 14:33

I think you'll have to go now you've sunk that much money, but you can't object if your partner decides to blow £1k on a stag weekend instead of putting it towards a family holiday.

Ktime · 11/04/2023 14:40

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/04/2023 10:24

You’ve never been apart from your children in over a decade. It doesn’t sound like you do very much for yourself at all. Go on the holiday and enjoy it, it sounds like a one off opportunity for you. Life isn’t all about saving money and doing without because you have children.

Agreed. There are so many Mumsnet threads where the DH goes on expensive stag dos abroad leaving his wife with childcare.

It's a shame that when a woman has similar she is riddled with guilt and her H is making her feel worse instead of telling her to enjoy herself.

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