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Original poster

Unfriending a friend without offending?

136 replies

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:18

Trying to cut a long story short:

Im in a friendship circle; we’ve been friends since we were 13.

DF in question has always been a bit attention seeking. We all know it and have mostly laughed off the dramatic and gossipy stories over the years. However when my friend got married a few years ago DF who was also a bridesmaid did a fake ‘trip’ down the aisle and made a big scene, to get the attention on her. It was the final straw for us. We’ve been trying since to distance ourselves without being hurtful but we do still talk occasionally and often see each other at birthdays, occasions, meals out ect as part of the bigger circle.

The thing now is, I’m getting married. She already knows she’s not coming to the ceremony as I’m limited on numbers and we don’t talk all that often anymore. But now my hen party is being organised and I have no reason not to invite her - other than the fact I just don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t want to horrible. I just don’t want to deal with the drama and attention seeking (and the drugs).

We genuinely are just very different people now and my two closest friends feel the same way; but we don’t know how to put the nail in the coffin gently. I don’t want it to be awkward when we see each other at meals ect.

any advice?

OP posts:

DuesExMachina · 11/04/2023 08:20

You have two options:

Talk to her about her behaviour. She might have shit going on.

Just stop talking to her.

Heroicallyfound · 11/04/2023 08:21

Why do you need to put a nail in the coffin? If you only see her occasionally at wider group things (and are planning to continue with those things) then just don’t invite her and don’t mention it to her.

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 08:22

Another option - just make her posts hidden from your timeline so you don't see anything of her. Then you don't need to deal with her without the angst over whether to remove her.

RealHousewifeofExhaustion · 11/04/2023 08:23

There is no way to unfriend a drama queen without her taking offence.

You will be in the wrong whatever you do.

So either offend her by being honest and just cut her off. Or offend her by beating around the bush and end up wishing you had just been honest in the first place.

Theunamedcat · 11/04/2023 08:24

Just don't invite her what's she going to do ask? If she does reply we arnt that close anymore

Original poster

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:26

@Heroicallyfound i guess I just feel like I owe her an explanation, especially as I didn’t invite her to my wedding because of limited numbers.. I don’t really have an excuse not to invite her to my hen.

I could of course just stop speaking to her; which is what I have done really. But I don’t know how to explain if the hen party comes up and she’s not invited. What do I say? I feel like no matter what I explain to her about being different/not speaking anymore ect it’s going to cause drama.

OP posts:

Original poster

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:27

@RealHousewifeofExhaustion this is what I’m afraid of. No matter how it’s going to be done it’s going to cause drama and I really don’t want the whole school girl arguments, picking sides ect.

OP posts:

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 08:28

I guess you could just be honest and tell her you feel your friendship has run its course? Since you live in the same area and still have some connections, she's going to notice.

RightWhereINeedToBe · 11/04/2023 08:29

Why would you ever invite someone to your hen party who isn't invited to the wedding anyway?

Heroicallyfound · 11/04/2023 08:29

It’s only going to cause drama if you’re dramatic about it. Just say you’ve invited people close to you and leave it at that. If she creates drama from that that’s her problem - you don’t need to lower to it and you din’t need to say any more.

MissHoollie · 11/04/2023 08:29

You can't do this without her making a big drama about being offended.
Sadly I think just not inviting her and see if she questions it.
I'd love to say you all need to talk to her together but that would most likely end up with her trying to guilt trip

DuesExMachina · 11/04/2023 08:29

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:26

Why say anything?

Has anybody ever talked to her about her behaviour?

Clusterfunk · 11/04/2023 08:30

RightWhereINeedToBe · 11/04/2023 08:29

Why would you ever invite someone to your hen party who isn't invited to the wedding anyway?

Yes I was thinking this. Just say you are only inviting people to the hen who are coming to the wedding (unless that’s not true). But honestly, just don’t mention it unless she contacts you to ask.

Expo23 · 11/04/2023 08:32

RightWhereINeedToBe · 11/04/2023 08:29

Why would you ever invite someone to your hen party who isn't invited to the wedding anyway?

This. I wouldn't dream of going to a hen if I wasn't going to the wedding, it would never cross my mind to even expect an invitation.

SkaterBrained · 11/04/2023 08:32

I think it depends on how big the friendship circle is and how many are coming to the hen. Also, has anyone ever called out her behaviour or just talked behind her back about it?

If everyone else is coming, I think it would be cruel to just not invite her without talking to her first. The drugs sounds a better place to start than her personality, you are just at different life stages...

PersonaNonGarter · 11/04/2023 08:35

These things are so specific to particular friendships - do you bump into her once a year? Once a month?

It sounds fair enough not to want to invite her, but you also don’t want to harm yourself in the process. If it is going to take up as much of your time thinking/talking/worrying about not inviting her, then maybe just include her and move on.

Soozikinzii · 11/04/2023 08:38

Just don't invite her to the hen because she isn't invited to the wedding. I see quite a few comments that people are annwhen they're expected to go to a hen party and aren't invited to the wedding. If she questions it just say - we've been like ships that pass lately . Which is true !

Aylestone · 11/04/2023 08:38

I’ve had to do this recently with an old friend. Her behaviour was never awful, but she’s an huge attention seeker and she’s irritated me over the years to the point I now find her unbearable. I tried to do what pp has suggested and ‘snooze’ her on social media and groups and things, but after doing that for about 2 years she was still popping up and I’d had enough of her. As soon as she’d realised I’d dropped her she sent me a passive aggressive message saying ‘I wondered why I’d not seen any of your messages recently? Oh well never mind’ with a load of crying faces 🙄 if she’s said anything to our mutual friends behind my back, it hasn’t got back to me, and I wouldn’t care if they did. Your friend sounds like a bellend and you’ve not done anything wrong. I’d just blank her from now on. If anyone else says anything I wouldn’t even go into detail. Just say that you find it hard to get on with her due to some of her behaviour and you’ve grown apart as friends. The fact that other people feel the same points to the fact it’s her at fault, not all of you.

Picassa · 11/04/2023 08:40

It’s going to end in drama because it sounds like she thrives on it. Just don’t invite her to your hen if she asks why, tell her the truth regarding you being unhappy about her behaviour at previous wedding and you don’t want that drama on your day. It’ll hurt but it’ll put the final nail in the coffin as you say.

Tarantullah · 11/04/2023 08:41

If you genuinely don't want to be friends anymore in any capacity then honestly I'd say this to her (sensitively). It's not nice to hear, but being ghosted or whatever else is infinitely worse. I was close friends with someone for many years and one day they just stopped talking to me (we usually spoke most days), she didn't have the decency to say anything so I was left wondering what I'd done wrong, whether she was going through a hard time and would be back in touch- it was horrible. If she'd have said the friendship has run its course I'd have been upset but could have worked on getting over it rather than beating myself up, I think leaving people out of stuff or not saying anything is cowardly and actually doesn't protect their feelings.

Oblomov23 · 11/04/2023 08:44

There is no way. She'll know. She'll be hurt. You know this. Just do it in the nicest least nasty way.

SunshineAndFizz · 11/04/2023 08:50

I definitely wouldn't invite her. You'll be annoyed she's there, plus it's an ideal opportunity to set boundaries that she's not a close friend anymore.

If anyone asks just say "oh I'm having a low key hen, small numbers since it's a small wedding" and leave it at that.

Original poster

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:51

Thanks all. I think I’ll take the advice on just not inviting and not saying anything. If she comes to me for an explanation I will just be direct and straight to the point. No bad feelings, we just aren’t at the same life stage and have grown apart.

OP posts:

something2say · 11/04/2023 08:55

This is a juncture. Take it. Let things openly be different from now on. It's ok. She didn't care about how she affected people when she swanned down the aisle. You reap what you sow.

JerseyRoyals · 11/04/2023 08:56

I am keen to know about the fake trip down the aisle... do you mean she literally went down the aisle before the bride?

I'd just not invite her to anything and if she asks try and be honest. But it is a tough situation. Hope it all goes well.

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