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Original poster

Unfriending a friend without offending?

136 replies

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:18

Trying to cut a long story short:

Im in a friendship circle; we’ve been friends since we were 13.

DF in question has always been a bit attention seeking. We all know it and have mostly laughed off the dramatic and gossipy stories over the years. However when my friend got married a few years ago DF who was also a bridesmaid did a fake ‘trip’ down the aisle and made a big scene, to get the attention on her. It was the final straw for us. We’ve been trying since to distance ourselves without being hurtful but we do still talk occasionally and often see each other at birthdays, occasions, meals out ect as part of the bigger circle.

The thing now is, I’m getting married. She already knows she’s not coming to the ceremony as I’m limited on numbers and we don’t talk all that often anymore. But now my hen party is being organised and I have no reason not to invite her - other than the fact I just don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t want to horrible. I just don’t want to deal with the drama and attention seeking (and the drugs).

We genuinely are just very different people now and my two closest friends feel the same way; but we don’t know how to put the nail in the coffin gently. I don’t want it to be awkward when we see each other at meals ect.

any advice?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 11/04/2023 08:57

To me people who go to the hen do go to the wedding. It's for close friends

And you are saying she started to walk down the aisle on her friends wedding 🙀🙀🙀

Glitteratitar · 11/04/2023 09:00

Just don’t invite her to the hen. She will get the message that your friendship has very much changed now.

If she asks why, tell her there was a limit on numbers for the activity.

Glitteratitar · 11/04/2023 09:01

JerseyRoyals · 11/04/2023 08:56

I am keen to know about the fake trip down the aisle... do you mean she literally went down the aisle before the bride?

I'd just not invite her to anything and if she asks try and be honest. But it is a tough situation. Hope it all goes well.

I’m curious too. Bridesmaid do usually walk down the aisle before the bride so I want to know what happened!

StagsLeap · 11/04/2023 09:04

Glitteratitar · 11/04/2023 09:01

I’m curious too. Bridesmaid do usually walk down the aisle before the bride so I want to know what happened!

Show quote history

I assumed the OP meant a ‘fake trip’ as in ‘pretended to fall over’.

JerseyRoyals · 11/04/2023 09:05

StagsLeap · 11/04/2023 09:04

I assumed the OP meant a ‘fake trip’ as in ‘pretended to fall over’.

Show quote history

Oh!

Possibly. I am really intrigued now!!

Glitteratitar · 11/04/2023 09:05

StagsLeap · 11/04/2023 09:04

I assumed the OP meant a ‘fake trip’ as in ‘pretended to fall over’.

Show quote history

Oh! I thought she meant a trip down the aisle, i.e a walk down the aisle! So I was imagining someone walking down the aisle on their own and doing a very dramatic walk!

Original poster
Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 09:06

@JerseyRoyals
The bridesmaids went down the aisle before the bride, and we all walked to the front and sat down on a pew (is that the right spelling?!) but as DF got to the front.. she sort of threw herself towards the pew in a tripping motion.. then proceeded to laugh loudly and sort of address everyone that she was ‘clumsy’ 😅 it was incredibly cringeworthy. The mother of the bride had had ‘words’ with her before we left about behaving.. so I think she was absolutely fuming.

OP posts:
dittbtdity · 11/04/2023 09:07

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:26

@Heroicallyfound i guess I just feel like I owe her an explanation, especially as I didn’t invite her to my wedding because of limited numbers.. I don’t really have an excuse not to invite her to my hen.

I could of course just stop speaking to her; which is what I have done really. But I don’t know how to explain if the hen party comes up and she’s not invited. What do I say? I feel like no matter what I explain to her about being different/not speaking anymore ect it’s going to cause drama.

You shouldn't invite someone to your hen if they're not invited to the wedding anyway, so that's that sorted.

ehb102 · 11/04/2023 09:08

Actually you do. You shouldn't invite people to the hen do that aren't invited to the wedding according to old fashioned manners.

You don't need an excuse. Just don't do it. Say nothing and act out the expectation that she won't be there. It's not like you and she have done anything together in the last year is it?

FetchezLaVache · 11/04/2023 09:10

My goodness, she's so famous for her attention seeking that the MoB even had to warn her on the morning of the wedding to behave??

JerseyRoyals · 11/04/2023 09:12

I have a cousin who behaves in a remarkably similar way.

TBH If she asks I'd tell her. 'You have form for trying to make it all about you and I can't be bothered'. (Maybe phrased more nicely though).

NotAnotherBathBomb · 11/04/2023 09:13

RightWhereINeedToBe · 11/04/2023 08:29

Why would you ever invite someone to your hen party who isn't invited to the wedding anyway?

This. I would never go.

Original poster
Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 09:13

@FetchezLaVache Yes. I felt really bad for the bride because we had given her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she would just let her have her day. She didn’t and the bride spent the entire reception stressed and angry, constantly worries about what she would do next.

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 11/04/2023 09:13

Just invite her but tell her there is to be no attention seeking or drama, explain you want the adult her not the child version

Glitteratitar · 11/04/2023 09:15

slowquickstep · 11/04/2023 09:13

Just invite her but tell her there is to be no attention seeking or drama, explain you want the adult her not the child version

The friend tried that with her wedding, with the mother of the bride even having a word…she still had to be the centre of attention.

Bluevelvetsofa · 11/04/2023 09:17

You have no wish to be friends with her, so don’t be. Only invite people to events that you want to spend time with and who make you happy. She’s not making you happy and you aren’t enjoying her company.

Maybe she senses a shift in the friendship and that’s why she plays the drama card, but given what you’ve said about the aisle trip, perhaps she just needs the attention and you can do without that at your wedding.

Are you confident your friendship group are of the same mind? Especially if you want to continue with the same group. Taking sides would be pretty unpleasant if people sided with her against you.

Ariela · 11/04/2023 09:21

You DO have an excuse not to invite her to your hen. Restricted numbers. You realise life is expensive for everyone, so cut the numbers down.

DuesExMachina · 11/04/2023 09:22

slowquickstep · 11/04/2023 09:13

Just invite her but tell her there is to be no attention seeking or drama, explain you want the adult her not the child version

Nah, why be an adult about this

Original poster
Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 09:22

@Bluevelvetsofa two others in the friendship group are absolutely on the same page. The other two we haven’t spoken to as we don’t want to interfere with the friendship between them. I feel like there’s no real way to discuss it with the others without it seemingly like or becoming talking behind her back which I don’t want to do or get the others to do, it’s not our place. They seemingly have good friendships still which is why we see each other for brunches/lunches, occasions.

OP posts:
Thatbloomindog · 11/04/2023 09:28

Please just be honest in a gentle way. There are many threads on here from people who have been ghosted by a friend and don’t know why and are incredibly hurt and questioning everything they have ever done.

Why not be honest. And give her opportunity to grow or not, if she thinks she’s fine. There may be drama either way when she finds out.

Just say you find the constant drama draining and you’ve drown out of the drugs stuff and don’t want to be around it.

If you don’t see her much, are you sure she’s still like this?

SpecialMangeTout · 11/04/2023 09:31

id just not invite her.
If she says anything and ask you why she isn’t invited (which in itself would be rude from someone you only talk to a few times a year), just tell her that you wanted a really small number if people/you’re not into big hen do etc….
From what you say you d’ne have a huge number anyway…

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 11/04/2023 09:32

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 09:06

@JerseyRoyals
The bridesmaids went down the aisle before the bride, and we all walked to the front and sat down on a pew (is that the right spelling?!) but as DF got to the front.. she sort of threw herself towards the pew in a tripping motion.. then proceeded to laugh loudly and sort of address everyone that she was ‘clumsy’ 😅 it was incredibly cringeworthy. The mother of the bride had had ‘words’ with her before we left about behaving.. so I think she was absolutely fuming.

Jesus. Just ghost her. She sounds like anything you say will be turned into a clusterfuck of a drama anyway.

MargotBamborough · 11/04/2023 09:32

Just don't invite her.

If she says anything, be truthful.

"Look, ex-friend, I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but I don't feel we are that close anymore. I might have invited you for old times' sake, but the truth is you really pissed everyone off with your fake pratfall at Sarah's wedding despite Sarah's mother already having warned you to behave, and it just makes people feel annoyed and stressed about what you might do next. I don't want to have to deal with that at my own wedding or hen do, which is why you aren't invited. I realise this is probably upsetting to hear, and I'm not doing it to hurt your feelings but because I think you need to hear the truth so you can change your behaviour while you still have some friends left."

Gymmum82 · 11/04/2023 09:33

You don’t invite people to your hen who aren’t invited to the wedding. So if she asks just say that. It’s a small wedding and small hen do. You aren’t inviting people who aren’t invited to the wedding. Job done. You’re not close friends. If she wants to kick up a fuss let her

SpecialMangeTout · 11/04/2023 09:34

Thatbloomindog · 11/04/2023 09:28

Please just be honest in a gentle way. There are many threads on here from people who have been ghosted by a friend and don’t know why and are incredibly hurt and questioning everything they have ever done.

Why not be honest. And give her opportunity to grow or not, if she thinks she’s fine. There may be drama either way when she finds out.

Just say you find the constant drama draining and you’ve drown out of the drugs stuff and don’t want to be around it.

If you don’t see her much, are you sure she’s still like this?

If this is someone who thrive on making a scene, she’ll jump on that opportunity.
This the OP’s wedding. Not the right time to do that. Maybe later, after the wedding, the OP might want to be clearer. But tbh if she has distanced herself already, it shouldn’t be a surprise.

Also this is a very long friendship. People grow apart and stop seeing each other. Not everything has to involve long heart to heart conversations and explanations.