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Original poster

Unfriending a friend without offending?

136 replies

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:18

Trying to cut a long story short:

Im in a friendship circle; we’ve been friends since we were 13.

DF in question has always been a bit attention seeking. We all know it and have mostly laughed off the dramatic and gossipy stories over the years. However when my friend got married a few years ago DF who was also a bridesmaid did a fake ‘trip’ down the aisle and made a big scene, to get the attention on her. It was the final straw for us. We’ve been trying since to distance ourselves without being hurtful but we do still talk occasionally and often see each other at birthdays, occasions, meals out ect as part of the bigger circle.

The thing now is, I’m getting married. She already knows she’s not coming to the ceremony as I’m limited on numbers and we don’t talk all that often anymore. But now my hen party is being organised and I have no reason not to invite her - other than the fact I just don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t want to horrible. I just don’t want to deal with the drama and attention seeking (and the drugs).

We genuinely are just very different people now and my two closest friends feel the same way; but we don’t know how to put the nail in the coffin gently. I don’t want it to be awkward when we see each other at meals ect.

any advice?

OP posts:
Robinsflyhigh · 11/04/2023 12:41

Just stop inviting her to things.
There doesn't have to be a big show of telling her.
You don't have to have a reason.

To be honest I don't understand why anyone would deliberately fake a "trip".
Most of us find it highly embarrassing when we trip over and want to hide away with as little attention as possible!
It's not something you would deliberately "stage" in front of a whole congregation surely?
I imagine she must have felt a right clown for tripping up at that moment (most of us would be mortified).

Are you sure she faked it?

coffeeisthebest · 11/04/2023 12:43

How about you accept you may offend her by unfriending her, but slagging her off behind her back is hardly treating her with compassion either so just don't invite her and let her handle her own feelings.

BunnyRabbitSandwich · 11/04/2023 12:43

I wouldn’t say anything. If, and only if, she asks you, say that invites to the hen do were only extended to people coming to the day part of the wedding.

Hayliebells · 11/04/2023 12:55

You have reasons for not wanting to be her friend anymore, and not inviting her to your hen do. If she asks why she isn't invited, I think the best thing to do is actually talk to her about those reasons. You might fall out, but she may fall out with you for not inviting her anyway. She could just need someone to spell out that her behaviour is awful, you might be doing her a favour!

Kolakalia · 11/04/2023 13:07

Unfriending is an action you do on social media. You click 'unfriend'

What you're referring to surely is just drifting away naturally from a friend? It doesn't need to be announced, it's just a natural part of life.

IsAGirlMumma · 11/04/2023 13:45

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:26

@Heroicallyfound i guess I just feel like I owe her an explanation, especially as I didn’t invite her to my wedding because of limited numbers.. I don’t really have an excuse not to invite her to my hen.

I could of course just stop speaking to her; which is what I have done really. But I don’t know how to explain if the hen party comes up and she’s not invited. What do I say? I feel like no matter what I explain to her about being different/not speaking anymore ect it’s going to cause drama.

If it comes up "DF, as we're not that close anymore, I didn't think to invite you. I just want my closest friends as I'm keeping the hen do small and intimate"

Wiseflower · 11/04/2023 13:48

You have been "friends" since you both were 13! Time to move on as it sounds like it never left the school playground with "fake trips". I guess this was on social media platform.
Don't worry about talking or telling her off because it will be back to the school playground again.

No big deal, to unfriend. Both of you will come to terms in your own way. Time will tell you to both.... to let go of the stupid things in the past and move on.

ThreeRingCircus · 11/04/2023 13:54

Surely it would be really strange to invite someone to your hen do that wasn't going to the wedding? I've genuinely never heard of anyone doing that and most of my friends and I are now all married. So there's your excuse (if she asks), but I wouldn't bother saying anything to her unless she does ask why she wasn't invited.

Ooolaaaala · 11/04/2023 14:08

Trying to understand the dynamics here.

Were 5 of you good friends.

Did 2 of you partially distance yourself from the drama lama - but 2 are still close to her and you all still meet as a 5?

Are the other 3 invited to the wedding and this one is not?

Or are none or some of the 3 not invited to the day either?

Is she aware she’s not invited to the wedding? How did that go down? Was it Ok because some of the other 3 were also not invited?

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 14:22

ThreeRingCircus · 11/04/2023 13:54

Surely it would be really strange to invite someone to your hen do that wasn't going to the wedding? I've genuinely never heard of anyone doing that and most of my friends and I are now all married. So there's your excuse (if she asks), but I wouldn't bother saying anything to her unless she does ask why she wasn't invited.

Again, no. It's not in the slightest bit strange.

Bansheed · 11/04/2023 14:48

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 14:22

Again, no. It's not in the slightest bit strange.

Show quote history

I'd argue that it is not ubiquitous, if so many people have asked?

postapesto · 11/04/2023 15:16

It's not ubiquitous. Equally its not at all strange, So many people have asked as so many people struggle to imagine things exist outside of their personal experience

Ooolaaaala · 11/04/2023 17:22

I am wondering if any of the other 3 in the friendship group are also not attending the wedding but going to the hen do - which is what would make it awkward for the OP - as she wouldn’t be being consistent.

Original poster
Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 17:58

So all of the others friends in my circle are attending the weddings with their partners and children, and coming to the hen party.

OP posts:
Ooolaaaala · 11/04/2023 19:05

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 17:58

So all of the others friends in my circle are attending the weddings with their partners and children, and coming to the hen party.

Has she been told she is not invited to the wedding?

If so then that’s v easy for you.

What are you scared of?

Her kicking off at you alone, in public or being divisive with your friends?

DuesExMachina · 11/04/2023 19:05

Is there something about her appearance?

Fraaahnces · 12/04/2023 02:42

@DuesExMachina - did you read any of this? It’s her BEHAVIOUR.

Original poster
Unfriendly · 12/04/2023 07:50

@Ooolaaaala Yea she knows she’s not coming to the wedding.

I think I’m just on edge that rather than just going out separate ways; she’s pretty likely to cause a scene at future outings with our mutual friends. I don’t want it to be awkward.. for me or for them.

I’ll just ignore; she can assume she’s not invited to the Hen. Then hopefully after the wedding it is a case of just seeing eachother mutually

OP posts:
Ooolaaaala · 12/04/2023 07:58

Unfriendly · 12/04/2023 07:50

@Ooolaaaala Yea she knows she’s not coming to the wedding.

I think I’m just on edge that rather than just going out separate ways; she’s pretty likely to cause a scene at future outings with our mutual friends. I don’t want it to be awkward.. for me or for them.

I’ll just ignore; she can assume she’s not invited to the Hen. Then hopefully after the wedding it is a case of just seeing eachother mutually

Don’t let her make you anxious and hijack your emotions.

It seems like kicking off / attention grabbing is her MO and that’s why you have distanced yourself already.

Just expect her to do it on a night out - remain calm - let her make a total dick of herself alone - leave a long pause so she is solely in the spotlight with her unreasonable behaviour for all of your other friends to see - let them potentially say something or leave an excruciating silence - then have a simple and calm one liner that you rinse and repeat once (don’t get drawn in) and change the subject calmly.

She can’t create drama if you don’t engage. Grey rock. Expect it, weather it, leave her floundering don’t let it preoccupy you or derail your evening.

Don’t give her so much headspace, power or emotion.

DuesExMachina · 12/04/2023 16:08

Fraaahnces · 12/04/2023 02:42

@DuesExMachina - did you read any of this? It’s her BEHAVIOUR.

Is it really?

They've been friends for at least ten years.

Yet only now has her terrible behaviour become a problem.

The behaviour is only really an issue at weddings.

This behaviour consisted of tripping up and making a joke out of it.

This apparently ruined the entire wedding.

The OP doesn't want to have her at the wedding yet doesn't want to disrupt the friendship group (which is mad- why be friends with people you don't like?)

So essentially wants the friendship to continue.

There's more to this. Is she very overweight?

Ooolaaaala · 12/04/2023 16:27

DuesExMachina · 12/04/2023 16:08

Is it really?

They've been friends for at least ten years.

Yet only now has her terrible behaviour become a problem.

The behaviour is only really an issue at weddings.

This behaviour consisted of tripping up and making a joke out of it.

This apparently ruined the entire wedding.

The OP doesn't want to have her at the wedding yet doesn't want to disrupt the friendship group (which is mad- why be friends with people you don't like?)

So essentially wants the friendship to continue.

There's more to this. Is she very overweight?

Show quote history

This friend seemingly has issues with drugs that the OP is not interested in dealing with or accommodating.

Original poster
Unfriendly · 12/04/2023 17:10

@DuesExMachina
the elaborate stories got tiring after a few years I must admit; but they’ve become unbearable since becoming a mother. I just don’t have the time nor the patience to put up with it.

I don’t understand the weight comment? She’s about as slim as myself, around UK12 if you must ask. But I don’t understand the relevance?

The attention seeking behaviour doesn’t just come out at weddings; my close friend struggles to conceive and when she announces she was finally pregnant DF’s first twosomes wasn’t even a congratulations it was “I think I might be pregnant” (she has form for constantly thinking she pregnant, especially when someone else is)

Im just trying to say.. in the nicest way possible - I think we’ve left behind when it comes to maturity and I don’t care to entertain her anymore. But equally so I don’t want to hurt her because she’s a human being and hasn’t actually don’t anything wrong other than being a bit annoying?

OP posts:
LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 12/04/2023 17:44

You must have a different idea of hen parties to me, OP. You don’t invite anyone who isn’t also invited to the wedding.

IamKlaus · 12/04/2023 17:45

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 12/04/2023 17:44

You must have a different idea of hen parties to me, OP. You don’t invite anyone who isn’t also invited to the wedding.

YOU might not. Other people do.

Other people are not you. Other people do things differently to you. Other people are fine to do that.

HTH.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 12/04/2023 17:48

IamKlaus · 12/04/2023 17:45

YOU might not. Other people do.

Other people are not you. Other people do things differently to you. Other people are fine to do that.

HTH.

Show quote history

Covered by my comment about the OP having ‘a different idea of hen parties’ I think, but ta so much for the input.

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