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Original poster

Unfriending a friend without offending?

136 replies

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:18

Trying to cut a long story short:

Im in a friendship circle; we’ve been friends since we were 13.

DF in question has always been a bit attention seeking. We all know it and have mostly laughed off the dramatic and gossipy stories over the years. However when my friend got married a few years ago DF who was also a bridesmaid did a fake ‘trip’ down the aisle and made a big scene, to get the attention on her. It was the final straw for us. We’ve been trying since to distance ourselves without being hurtful but we do still talk occasionally and often see each other at birthdays, occasions, meals out ect as part of the bigger circle.

The thing now is, I’m getting married. She already knows she’s not coming to the ceremony as I’m limited on numbers and we don’t talk all that often anymore. But now my hen party is being organised and I have no reason not to invite her - other than the fact I just don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t want to horrible. I just don’t want to deal with the drama and attention seeking (and the drugs).

We genuinely are just very different people now and my two closest friends feel the same way; but we don’t know how to put the nail in the coffin gently. I don’t want it to be awkward when we see each other at meals ect.

any advice?

OP posts:
Ooolaaaala · 11/04/2023 10:56

It seems that you have already put in a lot of work detaching and distancing from her.

The group dynamics have changed - you don’t see her or initiate contact except if she is part of a wider group.

Are you more concerned with the other two friends? Are they not invited to the wedding either? Are you worried they will be cross with you?

You basically have these options:

  1. Be proactive and directly inform her that she isn’t invited to the Hen Do because x, y, z
  2. Wait for her to bring it up with you directly - and have a response ready.
  3. Wait for her to bring it up in-front of your other 2 friends and have to deal with it then
  4. Wait for her to nobble the other 2 friends who then approach you.

Basically every option is uncomfortable and you will have to decide which is the least uncomfortable and the most efficient for your goal.

You are making the right decision to continue with your distancing of her and you should remain confident of this - however it seems you may be prone to be getting involved in her drama by proxy.

Assume her drama / this requirement to address is like weather - it’s going to be stormy whichever way you deal with it as she will kick off - so be prepared, get ahead of it and make sure it has the least impact…….know it will pass.

It looks like it’s not an ‘if’ she will kick off - it’s a ‘when’ - and you and control who and where this is with and how you respond. Don’t let her hijack another event.
Keep calm

Allblackeverythingalways · 11/04/2023 11:00

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 09:22

@Bluevelvetsofa two others in the friendship group are absolutely on the same page. The other two we haven’t spoken to as we don’t want to interfere with the friendship between them. I feel like there’s no real way to discuss it with the others without it seemingly like or becoming talking behind her back which I don’t want to do or get the others to do, it’s not our place. They seemingly have good friendships still which is why we see each other for brunches/lunches, occasions.

If you are all on thr same page then just ditch her.
I don't have the patience to deal with people like her any more, I cut them out and my life is better for it.
Try it! It's refreshing.

TempNCforthis · 11/04/2023 11:03

I don't know why she wasn't cut off after pulling off that stunt at your other friend's wedding. I wouldn't want anything to do with her after that sort of attention-seeking behaviour.

Viviennemary · 11/04/2023 11:05

Don't invite her. If she finds out say numbers were limited. I don't think you should explain anything.

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 11:08

Actually you do. You shouldn't invite people to the hen do that aren't invited to the wedding according to old fashioned manners

As you say,; old fashioned. Doesn't apply anymore, it's totally normal to have people at a hen that aren';t going to the wedding, which could be abroad or very small. It's not new and its not weird.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 11/04/2023 11:23

You could do one of two things:-

  • ghost her and deal with the fallout
  • Have a chat to her and explain to her bluntly about her behaviour. She might change, you never know.

I wouldn’t be inviting someone just to a hen party and not the ceremony.

TheMatriarchy · 11/04/2023 11:26

Id just cut her out, mute her, snooze her etc on all socials. If she comes to you directly about it, tell her there is no way you want her involved after the way she behaved at other DFs wedding, and at that point feel free to block.

forrestgreen · 11/04/2023 11:29

Tell all the wider circle of friends who's coming to the hen do. Don't mention df. If they ask... pull a face and say you're keeping it small and she's not invited.

I wouldn't explain, she knows what she's like and enjoys the attention. Leave her to drift.

Jellyx · 11/04/2023 11:30

Being honest with her would be a kindness. You're allowed to have boundaries in your frienships.

Be clear with her why you're ending the friendship - focus on your own feelings rather than blaming her.

I.e. I feel uncomfortable with the drug use and I'm upset when there's lots of drama.

Offer her an opportunity to talk more or ask questions but be clear you've made your decision.

Then - allow yourself to feel guilty and then focus your time on positive people!

Wiseflower · 11/04/2023 11:30

Oh dear, it is all a media game in the end. If you don't like someone because of....whatever... and you have grown apart... just dont see them anymore.

Social media can be farcical because it is just an image or a snapshot of life - you can take it seriously or with a pinch of salt.
Could you be offended by her media image?
Unfriending might offend her temporarily but she will forget it all very quickly and distance herself from you as well. She has her life too.
We live and we learn through mistakes. Perhaps your "friend" doesnt realise how awful she really is but she might one day and change.

Give yourself the space from someone you don't like, as you must have loads of other friends.

AmbersMama · 11/04/2023 11:38

I was in a similar position not too longer ago and if I could go back, I would have never removed her.
Especially seeing as I had her confront me out with the kids within a week of removing her.
So I grew up with the girl, and I have been dating someone who is very much linked with her close friends. Infact, my boyfriend used to live in her shared house!
I thought this would be a good time to have a catch up seeing as we have that connection now and it had been a while.
I reached out to her a few times and got very limited responses. Yet she was always posting these really extravagant (some would call "attention seeking" posts).
I was pretty offended so after having her on social media for 16 years, I removed her then guess what.. I begin hearing about what she was going through.
She apparently had recently had an affair and was very off with all her friends. So it wasn't just me. The posts were likely a distraction from her reality as she must be feeling shame.
She saw me in person and offered to meet up but nothing has been arranged as I'm pretty sure she now knows I got rid.
I feel like the bad person although I shouldn't. But if you're anything like me, just keep in mind she likely will notice one day, and you're going to have to figure out what to say if she brings it up. In your case, you were clearing out your friend list for close friends only, maybe?

Softoprider · 11/04/2023 11:39

Can't you just tell her it is close friends only

3luckystars · 11/04/2023 11:45

Is there any way you could have the night out and she not know about it? Do you normally post photos online, if so could you not do it this time?

I would just say the bridesmaids organised it and it was nothing to do with you if she asks you afterwards. And then let the bridesmaids organise it and enjoy yourself.

Ladybug14 · 11/04/2023 11:54

I'm a bit confused. You'll continue to see her every now and again at dinner/supper get togethers?

Why would you want to make those future events awkward ?

Say nothing. Don't invite her to the hen. If she asks afterwards tell her it's because only wedding guests went to the hen

Maybe she has some sort of MH issue which causes her to be loud and crazy?

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 11/04/2023 11:58

Just say nothing, if she asks "sorry it's close friends and family only." I wouldn't even invite her to your evening do.

KettrickenSmiled · 11/04/2023 12:02

But now my hen party is being organised and I have no reason not to invite her - other than the fact I just don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t want to horrible. I just don’t want to deal with the drama and attention seeking (and the drugs).

You don't have to be horrible.
You simply do not issue an invitation - there's no need to expressly tell her she's not invited.

If she raises it herself "it's a drug-free event, so it's best you sit this one out"
If she keeps pushing: "don't be daft. Remember how you pranced up the aisle at Belinda's wedding? Best for you to avoid wedding-related events."

Don't get derailed from those statements - just repeat on Broken Record if necessary.

As to the awkward - obviously you prime everybody to avoid any mention of the hen if she is around.

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:04

Just ditch her. But stop pretending that you get to ditch people and still have them like you and be nice to you. Life doesn't work that way.

KettrickenSmiled · 11/04/2023 12:08

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:26

@Heroicallyfound i guess I just feel like I owe her an explanation, especially as I didn’t invite her to my wedding because of limited numbers.. I don’t really have an excuse not to invite her to my hen.

I could of course just stop speaking to her; which is what I have done really. But I don’t know how to explain if the hen party comes up and she’s not invited. What do I say? I feel like no matter what I explain to her about being different/not speaking anymore ect it’s going to cause drama.

You don't need an excuse.

You don't owe her an explanation.

You don't see her now except for the occasional group social, you don't meet up solo, you don't seek each other out ... why would you feel you owe her, or need excuses?

If it comes to it (& I recommend avoidance of the subject entirely, so it's less likely to), just tell her "numbers are limited, we're not so close these days, I'm sure you understand, are you having tea or coffee?" & refuse to engage further. (The subject change at the end helps you move on.)

You are way over-thinking this. Buy yourself a pre-wedding present - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum--chat-4782420-unfriending-a-friend-without-offending

Kolakalia · 11/04/2023 12:14

The wedding thing is the actions of a nasty person. She'll have got a kick out of that.

Just don't invite, and if she ever mentions it just breezily say 'oh, I just invited people I see regularly these days, that's all. Hope you're doing ok'. Don't get involved in the drama. They can't drama without your consent!

DannyZukosSmile · 11/04/2023 12:19

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:04

Just ditch her. But stop pretending that you get to ditch people and still have them like you and be nice to you. Life doesn't work that way.

100% this. As I said earlier in the thread, the OP wants to unfriend this woman (as she clearly doesn't like her,) but doesn't want to offend her. WTAF? Confused How does this even work? Anyone who can't be arsed with me anymore, and wants to unfriend me, can do so, but they can fuck right off if they think I will still speak to them, or have any contact whatsoever. LOL, yeah right!

GHOSTING people is the only option when you don't want them in your life. The suggestions from some (on threads like this,) are ludicrous. Like you should have an 'adult conversation' (give me a minute while I vomit at that pathetic predictable stupid line) .....

Have an ADULT conversation... 'Er hi Jan, I know we've been friends for ages, but we don't have much in common anymore, I'm not very keen on you, you're boring/narcissistic/stupid/arrogant/selfish/annoying (delete as necessary,) and I don't want to be friends anymore. Don't want you at my wedding OR my hen night... Hope this doesn't offend you, because I would hate to think me deleting you from my life, would OFFEND you....' 🙄

Rosula · 11/04/2023 12:20

If you're not that close to her, there is no reason why you have to invite her to the hen party, is there? There's no rule that you have to invite every woman you know whether you like them or not.

gogohmm · 11/04/2023 12:22

Simply solution, don't invite anyone to the hen do not invited to the wedding

sweetdreamstenasee · 11/04/2023 12:23

If I wasn’t invited to the wedding I wouldn’t expect to be invited to the hen, so don’t invite her, simple.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 11/04/2023 12:24

The more that you explain and justify to this sort of person, the more ammunition you give them to be over dramatic about you doing them wrong or give you reasons why your decision is wrong and you should change your mind. Just go with "I'm having the type of hen do that suits me", "a small, quiet group is what I want". Best case scenario would be to have the hen group keep the date quiet until after the event.

Interesting about people thinking it's bad form to invite people to the hen party who are not going to the wedding. Maybe it's a modern times thing, I got married over 30 years ago. My wedding was mostly family and my parents' friends, maybe 10% our friends. I wasn't going to have a hen do at all, but ended up having two (one in my home country and one in the country I was living in) because my friends wanted to organise them for me. So both hen dos were majority people who weren't coming to the wedding. Both were relatively tame evening things, not all day activity or trips abroad.

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:24

gogohmm · 11/04/2023 12:22

Simply solution, don't invite anyone to the hen do not invited to the wedding

That's a ridiculous solution: Don't invite people you want there so you don't have to invite people you don't want there..how stupid" Far simpler is to invite the people you want there and don't invite the people you don't.

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