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Original poster

Unfriending a friend without offending?

136 replies

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:18

Trying to cut a long story short:

Im in a friendship circle; we’ve been friends since we were 13.

DF in question has always been a bit attention seeking. We all know it and have mostly laughed off the dramatic and gossipy stories over the years. However when my friend got married a few years ago DF who was also a bridesmaid did a fake ‘trip’ down the aisle and made a big scene, to get the attention on her. It was the final straw for us. We’ve been trying since to distance ourselves without being hurtful but we do still talk occasionally and often see each other at birthdays, occasions, meals out ect as part of the bigger circle.

The thing now is, I’m getting married. She already knows she’s not coming to the ceremony as I’m limited on numbers and we don’t talk all that often anymore. But now my hen party is being organised and I have no reason not to invite her - other than the fact I just don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t want to horrible. I just don’t want to deal with the drama and attention seeking (and the drugs).

We genuinely are just very different people now and my two closest friends feel the same way; but we don’t know how to put the nail in the coffin gently. I don’t want it to be awkward when we see each other at meals ect.

any advice?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 11/04/2023 09:38

This really comes down to what sort of person you are and I don’t mean that in a judgemental way - some people would feel better being upfront and having a coffee and saying you think the friendship has run it’s course and others will just not invite the person and go radio silent. I personally think since you have been friends since children the kinder option is to sit her down and explain you are not going to invite her because you feel uncomfortable with how she behaves at social events - rather than leave her wondering why she has been cut off but it’s up to you.

DannyZukosSmile · 11/04/2023 09:52

Why do you care about offending her if you don't want to be friends anymore? Confused

IDGAF about offending people I don't like/don't care about/don't want in my life. I only care about offending and upsetting people who mean something to me.

Just don't invite her. Job done!

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 11/04/2023 09:57

You are massively overthinking this.

Just don't invite her. If she brings it up next time you see her, just be honest and say you only invited your closest friends.

MaroonCow · 11/04/2023 09:58

Why would she expect to go to the hen if she's not expecting to go to the wedding?

MarieRoseMarie · 11/04/2023 09:58

100% ghost.

Also don’t bring up your friend’s wedding. It’s dragging her into the argument and it’s not your place.

Just say you don’t have the space. Ignore everything else. As soon as the wedding is over, just block.

IrisAtwood · 11/04/2023 10:01

Unfriendly · 11/04/2023 08:27

@RealHousewifeofExhaustion this is what I’m afraid of. No matter how it’s going to be done it’s going to cause drama and I really don’t want the whole school girl arguments, picking sides ect.

You will never be able to avoid drama with a drama Queen.
Just have an honest conversation: ‘I haven’t invited you because I don’t want you there.’ Only follow up if she asks why. Which she will. ‘I don’t like you behaviour or your drug use.’

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 11/04/2023 10:04

Why would you invite someone on a hen do if you're not inviting them to your wedding? That's just fucking weird

TheCentreSlide · 11/04/2023 10:04

The OP has zero responsibility to give the drama queen ‘an opportunity to grow’ 🙄 Particularly as it will be to her own detriment.

As others have said, don’t invite her, don’t mention it, if she gets in contact demanding to know why just say you only invited your closest friends. If she remonstrates and starts her usual angst just completely ignore - don’t feed the fire. Grey rock all the way.

HazelBite · 11/04/2023 10:05

My soon to be DIL has a "hen do" problem. She has decided not to have one and instead is meeting up individually with a couple of friends, family etc on different occasions, sometimes for a drink, meal or activity prior to her wedding, so she gets to spend time with them before the wedding.

IrisAtwood · 11/04/2023 10:06

TheCentreSlide · 11/04/2023 10:04

The OP has zero responsibility to give the drama queen ‘an opportunity to grow’ 🙄 Particularly as it will be to her own detriment.

As others have said, don’t invite her, don’t mention it, if she gets in contact demanding to know why just say you only invited your closest friends. If she remonstrates and starts her usual angst just completely ignore - don’t feed the fire. Grey rock all the way.

Excellent advice.

Bansheed · 11/04/2023 10:13

I am getting married in 10 months. I did not think you invited people that are not invited to the wedding. Can you just say that if anyone asks?

Rhondaa · 11/04/2023 10:16

As everyone else has said hens are for those invited to weddings.

If she challenges it just say it's for wedding goers only then ignore.

Don't waste time worrying about people who drain you.

Travelfan2021 · 11/04/2023 10:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 11/04/2023 10:19

RightWhereINeedToBe · 11/04/2023 08:29

Why would you ever invite someone to your hen party who isn't invited to the wedding anyway?

That was my first thought; if it's questioned at all, surely all you need to do is point out that it seems insensitive to invite people not included in the wedding?

MaroonCow · 11/04/2023 10:19

I've had friendships end from growing apart and there's never been a big conversation about it where one of us dumped the other or we mutually agreed to part ways. We just lost contact over time.

I suppose if you're actually having a fight it's different, but assuming not, I think it's hugely awkward and unnecessary to arrange a time to speak to say you won't be arranging more times to speak. Just leave it. She probably feels it too.

Hardtopickaname · 11/04/2023 10:20

Considering what you are saying about the current state of the friendship you're overthinking this. It'd be tacky to invite someone to hen do if they aren't actually invited to the wedding anyway.

Fraaahnces · 11/04/2023 10:20

Just don’t invite her and if she confronts you, say that you are limiting numbers to people those who are invited to the wedding.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/04/2023 10:20

"I wouldn't dream of going to a hen if I wasn't going to the wedding, it would never cross my mind to even expect an invitation."

I've been invited to hen nights and not to the wedding. I didn't know at the hen night that I wasn't invited and one of them was organised by a friend who just invited every female in a certain email list.

Brefugee · 11/04/2023 10:21

Just remain at arm's length and LC and let it gradually fizzle? you simply do not have to invite her to anything if you don't want.

And if she asks? what is kinder? "sorry, the places are all full, limited budget" or "sorry, we've drifted apart and i have only invited close friends"

drpet49 · 11/04/2023 10:22

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 08:28

I guess you could just be honest and tell her you feel your friendship has run its course? Since you live in the same area and still have some connections, she's going to notice.

This. Stop pussyfooting around the issue. You’ll feel much better just telling her the truth.

Moveoverdarlin · 11/04/2023 10:26

I would find it weird to be invited to a hen do and not the wedding. So she’s probably worked it out. Just don’t invite her. If she challenges you you can either be brave and say ‘I don’t want you pulling your hilarious tripping over trick at my wedding’ or just say ‘we’re not that close and didn’t think it would be your scene anymore’.

Iwasafool · 11/04/2023 10:33

Well you seem to be making a bit of a drama of this yourself. How do you know she'd want to come? She might be relieved to not get an invite, she might not be expecting an invite or she might be upset. Who knows. Deal with it if it happens.

Just as an aside how do you know the trip was fake? People do actually trip occasionally.

Snaaaaacks · 11/04/2023 10:41

Just hide your posts from her and unfollow her. She can't see your posts, you can't see her posts and she's none the wiser as you ate still on her friends list. You are better doing that anyway as she won't see anything you are tagged in by other people (if you wanted to save her feelings) so she wouldn't find out about the hen do. If others post about it without you tagged though she'll see that. That's what I'd do anyway, no need to do a dramatic ending of the friendship, you sound as bad as her if you feel the need to do that.

midsomermurderess · 11/04/2023 10:43

Your ‘excuse’, actually, reason, not to invite her to your hen do is that you don’t want to be friends anymore.

UrsulaBelle · 11/04/2023 10:47

I’ve been to many a hen do when I’ve been on the ‘evening guest list’ and it’s never been an issue. Weddings sometimes end up having more ‘duty’ guests, family etc, than actual friends you want to party with if you can’t afford a big reception. Some weddings are small for cost reasons but hen nights can be bigger if you are just doing something fun and fairly cheap. I wouldn’t be going to Spain on a hen do if I wasn’t invited to the wedding, but I’d be up for a knees-up and meal in town.

Just don’t invite her. Don’t have the conversation before your wedding. If you feel she deserves an honest explanation, have it after the wedding to minimise the drama.