So embarrassed by unexpected guests

[MortifiedMolly]

We were having a really slobby day yesterday. It was mid afternoon and we were all in our pyjamas. There was leftover lunch in various places (thanks to my 2 and 4 year olds), crumbs all over the floor and piles of washing everywhere. This is actually quite unusual for me, I'm usually on top of things but it had been a tiring week and DH hasn't been well, so I've been managing by myself a lot.

Then there is a knock on the door; friends who we hadn't seen for ages and had just been passing by. Caught off guard, I enthusiastically welcomed them in.

It's now 4am and I can't sleep because I'm so embarrassed about the state the house was in. I feel like I never want to see them again!

Not sure why I'm posting this, perhaps someone can make me feel better?? Gah!

You are not alone OP in feeling this way, we have this quite a bit, with DD's friends and parents, with DS's friends and with ours as we live on a road where a station is. It is a family area of the city and so people use this station rather than the city one to go up to London. Our road is a dead end that becomes a woodland pathway and many people start their Sunday walks there to the Downs. Our front garden is quite small but we had a fence(fort) built as it is the kind of house many people (commuters) walked by and peered in to. Anyway, many of these people are passing by as they have just been up to London for the day or just about to go on a big walk and they thought they'd say, 'hello'. I then panic as never have enough food in ever as I am not someone to do big shops so I am rummaging around for biscuits or crisps or something to offer with a coffee. On Saturdays I usually have clothes bergs as my DH calls them everywhere so have to chuck a pile of clean clothes in another room, or in the past have pushed my pile of unclean clothes about to go in the machine, with my foot behind me whilst I chat.

DS also always brings friends home after school without telling me as they may need the loo and all the park ones have been closed by the council so we are the nearest house. Obviously, as they are 16 they want drinks and snacks, I think one friend has seen me WFH in tracksuit trousers and the same sweater every time he visits for about 6 months. I do have other clothes but these are comfortable for working on the computer. On those days I am working so have not done much housework and as they are helpful, they say, 'shall I put my glass in the dishwasher?' and it is always a no as I haven't even unloaded it yet from the morning. I think this boy's Mum keeps her house spotless but DS tells me she doesn't work tbf, he also said that other than this friend our house is really clean and tidy so why do I care.

One time this happened I tried not to answer one of DD's friend's parents as I was actually working but they had been to the theatre in London and wanted to tell DD all about it. They knocked 4x, tbf I thought it was my retired neighbour about the Ivy growing on the back of houses but it wasn't. It was very embarrassing as when we opened the door finally the Dad looked really confused. He said we knew you were in as we could hear you talking, sorry if not a good time. I was all apologetic and made some excuse about being in the shower which was ridiculous as had not brushed my hair was wearing tracksuit trousers again.

Why put them in the position where they have to turn you away? Just text or call and ask if they’re free. Even if you don’t mind being told they’re busy when you just turn up, wouldn’t it save you time if you knew not to bother going in the first place?

A family member had a bad accident last year. I rang my friend because I was upset and asked if we could meet for a drink; she invited me over instead. I was very grateful and it really helped - but I don’t get why it would somehow have been more meaningful if I’d just landed on the doorstep in floods of tears. She didn’t become less caring or helpful because I’d called to check she was free.

I love when friends have a messy, lived in home. It instantly makes me sign relief that we aren't all focused on constantly cleaning and tidying, especially when raising and juggling young children and everything that comes with motherhood. On the rare occasions my children are settled I enjoy a book or simply breath. Cleaning is great too but it's not at the top of my priority list at this time x

I would get the same anxiety about my house and generally hate surprise guests. I would try and get past it by telling myself:

They’ve seen my house before when it isn’t a mess.

Its easy to tell the difference between a days mess and that of habitual mess.

I have shown them it’s possible to have young children (and an ill husband) and still know when it’s time to chill and give yourself a day off.

@WomanStanleyWoman2
Glad that, that worked for you in that scenario but I can give you an example where that wouldn't have worked.
My mum has dementia and for 4yrs she lived alone at home with it with various support and family visiting her (she's now to advanced for that and lives in an EMI home)
She often popped into friends and neighbours houses for help or just company - she couldn't cope with the phone from fairly early on after her diagnosis even though she could cope with lots of other things so wouldn't be have been able to call or text to give notice. She is fairly young to have as advanced dementia as she has and when first diagnosed many people wouldn't have realised she had it.
I am (& she was) eternally grateful that people welcomed her in without any notice and helped her at what was the start of such an awful journey.
Both of these scenarios are equally valid and don't mean that either approach is better or worse, just that different experiences and approaches exist and that 'rudeness' is definitely to a certain extent subjective.

Yes, I'd be interested to compare Debrett's etiquette rules with today's social mores.

It amuses me on here when people declare, say, that not taking shoes off is rude. Says who??

DH and I both grew up in open houses so we delight in people just turning up. I realise I'm a bit of an outlier in this. Our house is usually presentable but rarely pristine.

(Has anyone mentioned the tip about opening the door in your coat?)

I’m sorry to hear about your mother, @wonkylegs. However, what you describe is an extreme situation, and an ongoing one. There’s a big difference between someone vulnerable who can’t cope with the phone due to dementia and someone who simply doesn’t think to text or call.

There are 900,000 people in the U.K. with dementia, and this is rapidly increasing.
Once you start to meet people affected by dementia then you realise how common the issues are and how they can affect other groups too.
13.6% of the U.K. population is over 70 and may not feel as comfortable with technology as younger generations and also come from a generation when just popping by was normal.
Its not really that extreme event just one you haven’t encountered.

Yes some people are properly rude but sometimes people just have different needs or expectations, that’s not necessarily rudeness.

Well maybe very specific would have been a better expression than extreme. I still think there’s an important difference between inviting a neighbour in unexpectedly because you know she’s vulnerable and not wanting people turning up out of the blue because they are “just passing”.

years ago mum was doing a spring clean; curtains down cupboards all pulled out the covers off the sofa what they used to do. to add to it mum had her hair up in rollers and a scarf plus was looking a trifle grimy! who turned up but a very posh old school friend she had not seen for years!
these days no excuse for turning up unannounced

i wouldnt have my pyjamas on all day.
i think that is slovenly - so shoot me -

I have a cousin that does this.

She always catches me off guard. She has no kids and spends her very nice early retirement treating herself to ‘me time’.
I bloody hate it when she disturbs my lovely quiet Sunday afternoon. I’d love to tell her to fuck off, but instead I sit there cringing and wishing I’d hoovered 😬
I feel your pain op

Oo I've been caught out by a really lovely, and exceptionally clean and tidy friend before.
It was my birthday, mid week so I was at work, my parents were coming in the evening. The house was a state but I was planning on cleaning it up when I got in. Kitchen needed tidying and a good hoover and sweep throughout downstairs.

I arrived back home, opened the door and she was already inside. The kids had let her in.
I was mortified by the mess, but she was lovely and handed me a glass of bubbles.

This.

I still cringe when I remember the midwife coming round an hour early. DS was 3 weeks old. We were both dressed and fed an everything for the baby was done, but nothing tidied in the house. The house was perfectly clean except for a pair of pj bottoms on the living room floor my DH had clearly stepped out of before going to work. He'd done the 4am shift until work started so I could sleep.

I just sat there crying because I was so overwhelmed and had missed that one simple thing!!

He has form for this though. I cleaned our flat and staged it ready to sell. He just needed get ready and leave for work after me, strict instructions on cleaning after himself. I came home and his pants were on the bathroom floor and the agent had taken photos with them in!! Thankfully they let me add my own pic of the bathroom!

Situations like this in my parents house growing up (they are just naturally messy) is why I'm a clean freak. Always remember the shame causing my face to burn red

I find it a lot ruder to hear third hand or on social media that my friends had been in the area and not dropped by unannounced 🥺

Then they can tell them they are busy. It's not rude to turn up uninvited. It's only rude if they push to come in when you tell them you don't want them to

It IS rude to just turn up. It's putting what's convenient for you ahead of someone else's preferences and feelings. Many people (as evidenced by this thread) wouldn't like someone turning up unexpectedly but would feel awkward about turning them away so would be polite and invite them in. The person just turning up would probably be oblivious to this if they're that blind to the fact that other people don't like this.

I don't think it's new anyway, when I was a child our neighbour would always pop round unannounced and my mother absolutely hated it but was too polite to turn her away.

@seperatedmum I don't find it rude myself. I assume they have lots of other people to see, close friends and family etc. we can't always fit in seeing everyone when we go back to our home towns.

It's rude of your friends to literally show up on your door. My friends would at least call beforehand even if they were near. None of my friends would care about my house being messy- but I would. I like to make it semi presentable. I wouldn't dwell over it though.

This takes me back 20 years when my oldest ds was 2 and then DH and I had had a week. We were having a lazy Sunday piles of washing everywhere ordered take out and toddler ds had chucked cheerios all over the floor. A knock at the door and my aunt, uncle and their 3 kids. I think the look on my face said it all as they just stood there and said ‘are you going to invite us in’ they didn’t live local (50 miles away) and had been to visit a local attraction. They then told all the rest of my family they turned up and our house was a tip and it become some kind of joke. I on the other hand was mortified!!!!!

Totally agree, who gives a shit what the house looks like.

I HATE when people do this! I am never happy when people decide
To grace me with their unwanted presence when they are at a loose end- go and get a coffee somewhere if you're killing time! Or at least phone me first so I can tell you I'm not in 😜😜

It's very rude to show up unannounced. No matter the reason.

This isn't the 1950s with a homemaker keeping on top of the housework and cleaning, ready to pop the kettle on for all and sundry.

People have limited leisure time and personally mine is planned out days/weeks in advance; if randos showed up they would be told "sorry, this isn't a good time." Fortunately no one I associate with is so lacking in manners as to arrive without prior arrangement.