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Original poster

So embarrassed by unexpected guests

252 replies

MortifiedMolly · 02/04/2023 04:23

We were having a really slobby day yesterday. It was mid afternoon and we were all in our pyjamas. There was leftover lunch in various places (thanks to my 2 and 4 year olds), crumbs all over the floor and piles of washing everywhere. This is actually quite unusual for me, I'm usually on top of things but it had been a tiring week and DH hasn't been well, so I've been managing by myself a lot.

Then there is a knock on the door; friends who we hadn't seen for ages and had just been passing by. Caught off guard, I enthusiastically welcomed them in.

It's now 4am and I can't sleep because I'm so embarrassed about the state the house was in. I feel like I never want to see them again!

Not sure why I'm posting this, perhaps someone can make me feel better?? Gah!

OP posts:
35965a · 02/04/2023 08:55

I hate unexpected visitors. How hard is it to text? It’s so rude.

Somebodiesmother · 02/04/2023 08:57

BadNomad · 02/04/2023 08:19

It's rude because some people don't want other people to see their house looking like a mess. It doesn't matter if the other people care or not.

Then they can tell them they are busy. It's not rude to turn up uninvited. It's only rude if they push to come in when you tell them you don't want them to

Crumpetdisappointment · 02/04/2023 09:03

anyway i did learn from my shameful episode
and when my dc were younger friends who popped by liked how relaxed my house was, their words!
ha ha

msmatcha · 02/04/2023 09:10

If I was the unexpected visiting friend I would just be relieved that others live in a similar state to me. Was rude of them but you were right to just let them in and have a nice time.

Sasha07 · 02/04/2023 09:28

I've been the one to drop in unexpectedly on a 'long time no see' relative. I was a young adult and not aware of the possible bad manners of it. Just a spur of the moment decision after visiting others in the area. My relative was shocked but warm and welcoming and excused the state of the living room. It was messy but certainly not dirty and with a toddler living there, I expected nothing less. I'd hate to think she was embarrassed or dwelled on it later on, it's a home! A happy, lived in home. I've even had a planned visit to a friend who's toddler had just had a poonami and she was awfully embarrassed about the smell, it's just life!

Please don't worry about it, mess is absolutely fine. Dirt/dust/mould/grubbiness that had not been touched in a long time would be slightly frowned upon but as a friend I'd rather help than judge in that situation... Nothing is perfect 24/7 especially when we're caught off guard ❤️

noproblemifnot · 02/04/2023 09:30

Everything seems worse at 4am, hope you got some sleep OP and feel better this morning. Your house sounds totally normal.

BUT where do all these unexpected visitors live? I live in London and cant remember any times we've had totally uninvited guests. Last minute plans, me inviting someone round aftwr school run/chat carrying on after meeting in park or pub ..yes. but never just an unexpected knock. All my local friends would message, and my other friends woild never be jusy passing, I guess

pottydimley · 02/04/2023 09:31

piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 08:13

Why is it rude??

I'd say inconsiderate rather than actively rude. It's assuming that the person being visited has no greater priority at that moment than entertaining the visitor.

Schmutter · 02/04/2023 09:36

I’m another who can’t stand people dropping by unannounced. It’s so rude and it takes seconds to send a text asking if it’s ok.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/04/2023 09:37

piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 08:13

Why is it rude??

Inviting oneself to anything, particularly a private home, is always rude.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/04/2023 09:39

Whichnumbers · 02/04/2023 08:24

I’d be hurt if my friend turned me away at the front door & id be upset that I’d bothered to call.

whereas you welcomed those friends in with open arms and made them feel special

People who show up unannounced deserve to be turned away.

You don't barge into someone's life/home/leisure time with zero consideration for their preference and convenience. It's obnoxious.

wonkylegs · 02/04/2023 09:45

I wouldn't care about the normal state of someone's house if I called round unexpectedly - I probably wouldn't even notice.
I am sometimes a little embarrassed if the house is a right state when someone pops round out of the blue but honestly that fades dead quick as I'm just glad to see people.
I think a lot of the guilt/embarrassment is in peoples heads, people generally pop round to see you not rate your housekeeping skills.
I have one friends house that is always immaculate to a sterile level and it actually makes me more uncomfortable than normal houses.

BadNomad · 02/04/2023 09:45

Somebodiesmother · 02/04/2023 08:57

Then they can tell them they are busy. It's not rude to turn up uninvited. It's only rude if they push to come in when you tell them you don't want them to

Show quote history

Nah. If you turn someone away at your door you get called rude.

Somebodiesmother · 02/04/2023 09:48

BadNomad · 02/04/2023 09:45

Nah. If you turn someone away at your door you get called rude.

Show quote history

So? It won't kill you. And just because someone says it's rude doesn't mean it is. It's having good boundaries.

wonkylegs · 02/04/2023 09:50

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
That's a really sad way to view life
What about the friend who needs a shoulder to cry on/ a break from the kids before they snap/ needs help, support, friendship?
Do we all need to book in for hug, breakdown or emergency in advance?
My home is private in the sense that not everyone can just wander in but that doesn't mean I won't welcome friends, family & neighbours if they knock on the door.

Newyearnewhome · 02/04/2023 09:54

CuriousMama · 02/04/2023 04:29

I'm glad it's not just me thinks it's rude.

I think it’s become rude, but it never used to be.

in a way it’s quite sad we’ve lost that spontaneity.

When I was growing up in the 70s/80s it was really normal to drop in on friends and family - my parents did it, and we always had friends and family doing the same as we were near a tourist destination.

people always had biscuits in for unexpected guests.

if you watch plays/ dramas from that period, it happens a lot.

of course, I’d be mortified if people came round unannounced and saw how we really live!!

Twiglets1 · 02/04/2023 09:55

wonkylegs · 02/04/2023 09:50

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
That's a really sad way to view life
What about the friend who needs a shoulder to cry on/ a break from the kids before they snap/ needs help, support, friendship?
Do we all need to book in for hug, breakdown or emergency in advance?
My home is private in the sense that not everyone can just wander in but that doesn't mean I won't welcome friends, family & neighbours if they knock on the door.

The friend that needs support can still send a text saying they would really like to talk and is it convenient?
You clearly like to think you are an empathetic person so please try to find some empathy for more private people who like advance warning if a friend intends to drop by.

piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 09:57

I am confused by all the people who think it's rude to drop in on someone. What happened to being spontaneous? When I was younger we used to drop in on family and friends - and they on us - all the role and it was always fine.

If it's not convenient, you could always say so.

BadNomad · 02/04/2023 09:59

Somebodiesmother · 02/04/2023 09:48

So? It won't kill you. And just because someone says it's rude doesn't mean it is. It's having good boundaries.

Show quote history

But it's avoidable. You are putting the pressure on someone else to either let you in out of politeness or be rude and turn you away. Whereas a quick text beforehand avoids any awkward feelings.

BadNomad · 02/04/2023 10:03

People have much busier lives these days. Homes aren't always visitor-ready and being visitor-ready is important to a lot of people. It doesn't matter if you don't care what their homes look like, it matters to them, and you should respect that if you are a proper friend.

wonkylegs · 02/04/2023 10:04

@Twiglets1
I don't think I'm an empathetic person quite often I'm really not but I do just try to be human
I do tend to phone or text in advance but also get that sometimes that just doesn't happen for various reasons or in the case of a neighbour would be OTT

CC4712 · 02/04/2023 10:06

I would absolutely hate this! Why don't people call or text if they are 'passing' to check its ok to just pop in?

MIL has form for doing this! The last time she brought a random friend we didn't know along with her. We are renovating, I WFH, and MIL then requested we take her friend on a tour of our house!!! MIL returned the following week with yet another random friend. DH stopped them at the gate and wouldn't let them in. 😆

OP- why didn't you stand at the front door, coughed a few times, told them you'd been unwell and that they should have called first?

DanteThunderstone · 02/04/2023 10:07

OP, when I had very young children - to whom I was a caring and practical mother - I found myself (alone) in Sainsburys one Saturday and decided to just go wild and treat myself. So I bought like two bottles of wine, some beers for DP, maybe a bottle of spirits too, a trifle, some chocolate cake, a box of chocolates, a big bag of wotsits, cream cakes, a bag of Haribo and then I added a couple of practical things we needed - condoms, painkillers and nappies. Needless to say there was no nutrition or vitamins anywhere present in this haul. I loaded it all onto the till belt and it was only when it was getting beeped through that I glanced up at the end of the till and saw my health visitor standing there doing a bag pack for a sports charity. Bear in mind it is a small town and she knows exactly who I am. Nothing was said as I smilingly agreed that she could bag my Jumbo Haul Of Crap in return for a donation to the social outreach netball project, but rest assured that I, who had sat through several of her talks on best practice weaning, early years dental health and the importance of vegetables to a child's balanced diet, was mortified that she might think this panoply of empty calories was destined for my toddlers and I felt like a total slob.

BanditsGravyStain · 02/04/2023 10:08

I had to drop something off at a friends house once, I was planning on just dropping and dashing as I had errands to run. Except her kids had other ideas and dragged me into the house. Had a bit of a play with them and then left. I got a text later on in the day to say she was mortified about the state of the house, she wasn’t expecting me to come in etc. Honestly I didn’t even notice a thing that was unusual in a busy family home. Your friends came to see you, not a show home. But it’s rude to stop by unexpectedly.

N4ish · 02/04/2023 10:08

I think unexpected visitors are inconsiderate - for me it’s nothing to do with worries about mess or the state of the house but more about being mentally ready to be cheerful & welcoming. I know that sounds odd to some people but I think fellow introverts will understand.

crossstitchingnana · 02/04/2023 10:13

As a society we don't "pop round" like we used to. My nanny's neighbour popped in every day. That generation never even came downstairs in pjs let alone stay in them all day.

I haven't had anyone pop in for YEARS but I would be dressed and I tidy as I go.

However, "take as you find" springs to mind.