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What would you do? - Child disappointed

237 replies

OhOGee · 01/04/2023 22:36

At the end of each whole term at my ds school, they hold an awards assembly. Ds has never received one. He's in lower primary.

Last week I received an email inviting me to the award assembly. I was so happy for ds and ds was very excited. The night before he was feeling worried about standing in front of the school and had trouble sleeping. I reassured him it would be ok and he eventually got some sleep.

The day of the award he was so excited. A bit nervous still but looking forward to it.

I finished work early to attend and went to the school. I sat looking at ds feeling very proud. A few names were called out but no mention of my ds. I could see ds was becoming increasingly more anxious. The awards drew to a close and I felt so disappointed for ds as he wasn't mentioned at all. I caught his teacher at the end and she said there must have been a mix up with the emails. No apology. Said ds did not actually get an award.

I could have cried for ds. He looked so confused and emotional. I took him home and he cried in the car.

What would you have done in that situation? At the time I just needed to get ds out of the school as I could see he just wanted to get home. I feel like I should have said more.

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 02/04/2023 18:03

This crap makes me so cross. I've lots of experience of it though.

My three children went to the same primary where they all did very well There were regular awards, god can't even remember how often now tbh, could have been weekly. Anyway, none of mine ever got an award term 1 or term 2. Usually towards the end of term 3 when they must have gone, "oh who hasn't had an award yet, oh little lies!" It actually became a family joke. The only exception was the month my mother died a few weeks before Christmas.

Year in year out they watched the same favoured few - relatives/friends/associates of teachers get the awards first up, get picked for the main roles in school events, get first dibs at the very limited music tuition, yada yada yada. Half the teachers were related to the other half pretty much - trust me this did not go unnoticed by parents either! The standard of teaching was good, and the school had many good qualities but the nepotism was blatant.

Elder two went to a church organisation which they enjoyed - think along the lines of Guides, but not Guides. Same story - year in year out the same kids got awards. There was one horrible year when my little girl was sitting there amongst her peers and was the only one to get nothing. I'd have taken them out there and then but they enjoyed it the rest of the time.

They all learned not to expect anything and not to care, and you know, it's all water under the bridge. They're successful adults and decent human beings, and they didn't need any of the crap.

In your shoes, @OhOGee - I would forward that email to the principal now, while you are still angry. The immediate impact will have faded over the holidays and you shouldn't let this go. Explain how upset your little boy is, and ask how the school is going to make this up to him. They can't fix the hurt he felt on the day though, so I'd like others let him eat his body weight in treats, and do some nice things with him.

Tell him that schools/teachers mess things up sometimes and this isn't his fault. Make sure he knows he has your back too. His teacher dismissing it like that is not on. They let him down.

My then 18 yr old had a run-in with a teacher a few weeks before A levels. Teacher is renowned for poor teaching - no idea why he's allowed to get away with it. Treated my DS badly when he was teaching him, but DS is a chip off the old block (me) and stood up to him, which teacher hated. Hadn't taught him for a couple of years at the time of this incident, but basically he ordered DS to hand over his phone (this was not during teaching hours and all the other kids had their phones out - I know this as fact). Teacher ended up chasing DS round the room trying to physically grab his mobile phone, and cornered him! All in front of DS' mates and a year 9 class waiting to come in.

Bloody teacher then had the brass neck to phone me to complain!! I reminded him my DS was 18 and I was not going to get into any petty nonsense over a mobile, etc, he put the phone down on me!! I was going to complain but there were so few weeks left I couldn't be arsed, and let it go.

Point of this anecdote was, it meant so much to DS that I had his back - and it will to your boy too.

I really regret not following it up especially as I think it might have given the school an 'in' to deal with teacher's behaviour. A few weeks on, hadn't thought any more about it - year head speaks to DS, fucking bastard teacher had complained about him! Year head heard him out, and asked him did he want to make a complaint, and he said no.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a dissertation!! But do strike while the iron is hot. Your DS' teacher's nonchalance about it would really grind my gears!

allmyliesaretrue · 02/04/2023 18:06

Make sure he knows he has your back too. - should be you have his back, of course!!

OnlyFannys · 02/04/2023 18:06

I could cry for your poor ds, that's absolutely heartbreaking. I really hope the school realise what a monumental fuck up they have made and put it right.

BellePeppa · 02/04/2023 18:09

NotQuiteHere · 02/04/2023 17:28

leaving aside the mix-up and the teacher's indifference, how did your son know he was getting an award? It probably were you who told him and made a big deal out of it. It is only important to him if he is aware that it is very important to you.

At my son’s school they would email but say don’t tell your child. They wanted it to be a surprise (or maybe they’d mucked up in the past and were covering themselves).

Jenpeg · 02/04/2023 18:17

I try to be balanced in my approach as I'm sure we all do really. I would flame the school for this, it's an incredibly hurtful and disappointing thing for a young person to go through. I've no doubt from your post you'll give him all the empathy and support he needs to move forward, but yes I would be on to them, I think the school needs to be aware how damaging an admin slip up like this could be for a young person not to mention the waste of your time. I would tell them your son is quite demoralised by the whole episode and ask for a response with their proposals to help him deal with it. The hope would be
a) your son gets some sort of support, amends apology, explanation.
b) the school recognise they need to take greater care with this type of stuff with young people's growing self worth in their hands, and if they do drop the ball they need to own it.

I think their reaction is what really gets me, thing s go wrong, but this is the type of thing that would make my heart stop in horror if I'd caused it I have proper fear just thinking of a young person sitting waiting to have their name called for an award in error. How can anyone even distantly involved not catch how awful that was.

Well done on being a beautiful Mum, you sound so valuing of him, he'll get through it I'm sure

ComeOnNumber100 · 02/04/2023 18:17

I would have explained to my child that there had been a mistake and let them pick what they wanted for dinner.
Would send a short email to the school explaining what had happened and see how they responded.

Robinni · 02/04/2023 18:19

I would contact the head and make an official complaint. Detail that your child has had anxiety regarding the awards and has never received one. Had been delighted to be invited to the ceremony, but incredibly anxious the night before and had difficulty sleeping. State you took time off work to attend. And then go through the negative impact on your child and how this caused him significant distress/embarrassment in front of peers and his confidence has been hit hard. Lay it on thick; it isn’t fair they put a young child through this nonsense as they can’t sort admin. I’d be looking for a formal apology letter and something as an apology for your child too to try and regain some of his confidence. Give him all the love you can and have a lovely Easter break doing nice stuff together/with his friends. Silly old award, who needs it!

Notjustabrunette · 02/04/2023 18:22

I would reply to the email explaining that you were sent it but DS did not receive the award and caused distress.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 02/04/2023 18:23

What a bloody shame. Yes to the treats and yes to contacting the head and politely explain what happened, ask for an explanation and put forward your expectations ie an award at the next ceremony.

AlbertaAnnie · 02/04/2023 18:26

Urg your poor son - I would definitely take it up with the school, I hope he’s feeling a bit better now, I actually hate these things where so few children get to be celebrated, in my kids primary it’s yhe “golden table” - my daughter regularly ask me when she will be picked as all her friends have been more than once but she never has…..

MissAmbrosia · 02/04/2023 18:26

Did you not ask there and then? So dc is expecting an award and then you just go home without it and don't say anything?

SheSaidHummingbird · 02/04/2023 18:27

Oh that's heartbreaking. OP make the biggest, loudest OTT song and dance you bloody well can. That's the kind of thing a child never forgets. What the heck is wrong with that teacher?

SheSaidHummingbird · 02/04/2023 18:30

Though I think you did the right thing in the moment, to remove DS from the situation. If the teacher didn't care, there wouldn't have been any point trying to get a response there and then. Go to the Head.

Andanotherone01 · 02/04/2023 18:35

I’m a school governor and a parent, and yes, I’d be going mad at the teacher for this one. What a bloody mistake to make!

ilovesushi · 02/04/2023 18:36

That's shit! It's a big deal for kids and it's slack to get their hopes up, have them on tenterhooks, then disappoint them.

altmember · 02/04/2023 18:37

I'd be asking for a face to face meeting with the head, not just sending them an email. You need to emphasise that ds was expecting an award by virtue of you being invited, and how then not receiving one has upset him so much. Make it clear that your issue isn't about their mistake making you take time of work to attend (because that's probably the first thing they'll think, without it even registering the impact on your ds).

I'd also say that their whole awards system is completely inappropriate for primary age kids - it shouldn't be a handful of awards, presented once a term (despite that being ok for older kids).

My children's primary school gives out awards left, right and centre at every weekly family assembly. My kids come home with something a couple of times a month at least, as do all the other kids I should think.

My older child is at secondary school, and they do far more sporadic awards - I think that's once a term and there are two awards per subject in each year group (one for exceptional effort and another for outstanding achievement). That wouldn't really be appropriate for primary age kids though.

AliceOlive · 02/04/2023 18:37

I’d be livid and definitely be speaking with the school.

In a practical sense though, I would also find out what the awards are and help your son target a few for the next go-round. When I was in school I never realized that the kids getting all the awards were actually working at this, and that it was all planned out by them and their parents. I never even knew the awards existed until it was too late!

AllInADay · 02/04/2023 18:40

I'd send a formal written letter to the Head and Deputy Head, copied in an e-mail with an attachment. Stress how upset he was and the fact that you took time off work. Mix up! What a load of twaddle. Poor lad!

Hercules12 · 02/04/2023 18:40

in primary dd never got star of the week and some children got it twice. At the end of the year I bought her a selection of cheap tat that she would like from a charity shop and did my own award ceremony for her. Fortunately her best friend never got star of the week either so dd not the only one. Both girls were hard working and never in trouble so easily over looked I guess. Straight after the primary went into special measures. She’s 20 now and still fondly remembers her own award ceremony at home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2023 18:40

viques · 02/04/2023 17:26

How can they rectify it apart from giving him an award which he hasn’t earned? It might make the child feel better but still doesn’t take away the distress of the non Award day.

The best thing they could do would be to completely re examine the way they offer incentives and recognition. For a start I think inviting parents to attend is pretty grim actually, first of all it tips the child off that they are getting a reward ( or in this case not) so spoiling the surprise, and while for some parents being able to attend is great there are others whose work or other commitments means they can never attend, so discriminatory.

So I would suggest ,

  1. more awards covering a wider range of values, academic, social, effort etc, so that more children get the chance for a moment in the glory,

and secondly

2)a proper, central record kept for each year group that follows them up the school to check that the system is working, and fair.

and thirdly

  1. an email sent to parents after the assembly personally congratulating the child on the award.

More awards is a good idea. We all know these are largely subjective though. That isn’t to say the child, who got the award didn’t earn it, just that other children equally merited the award. I also think the logs for bigger awards should be noted so that a child doesn’t get it again in subsequent years.

Morph22010 · 02/04/2023 18:43

Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2023 23:02

I also second this, as primary teacher we make sure that each child has been given an award by the end of the year. We don’t have parent assemblies for them but they are given out during school assemblies.

not all schools do, my sons autistic and struggled alot in mainstream and never got any awards in key stage one, they even had a class bear that choose who it went home with every week and it went round every child in the class, some more than once but he didn’t get

JeanieJo · 02/04/2023 18:45

I would be absolutely furious and I absolutely would complain.

As a few PP have said, I also think it's important for your DS to see that you will stand up for him when he is treated unfairly. Ideally you could have actually (politely but firmly) complained on the spot and told them it was not acceptable - but definitely follow up now and make sure they come up with the promised award.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/04/2023 18:46

OhOGee · 01/04/2023 22:59

@xyzandabc yes, the email said ds name and that he was getting an award. You only get invited if your child is to get an award.

You know - even if they had made an error they could have given him an award for effort or something. Say how proud he should be of how very hard he has worked.

Poor little soul. My DS would have been gutted, so I can imagine how upset yours was.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 02/04/2023 18:50

I would absolutely take this up with the school - your poor child.

BeautifulWar · 02/04/2023 18:51

That's so heartbreaking for your DS.

I understand mistakes can happen, but the fact the teacher didn't seem bothered about how that would make a young child feel, is beyond shit.

I'd definitely send an email detailing how upset your son was.