How do I deal with DD’s expensive school snack situation?

[Springisintheair123]

DD attends a secondary school where they do not allow kids to bring in their own snack from home. Instead, they may purchase snacks from the school cafe. I’ve battled with school to change this policy as I can’t afford DD spending 3.50-5 a day. I have said to her there is a £1 limit a day and she must have breakfast in the morning (she doesn’t eat much and so is hungry by break time at 10am). At the same time, she has no idea that 3.50-5/day is excessive for an 11 years old. I understand she’s hungry. School say they provide free fruit (sliced). This is a private school BTW.

Any ideas how to deal with this?

Schools ripping you off. I'd absolutely call them and say they are not to give her stuff unless she actually pays for it. School are enabling her unecessary spending whilst putting you in the awkward position of having to pay when they give her stuff on a take now pay later basis. Inform them that the next time they allow this that you will absolutely not pay and stick to it stating that you already gave them fair warning if they continued to allow her to have things. I'd also have a word with her about it and explain to her also that you will not be funding her spending habits in school, if shes hungry she will eat the free fruit provided. I wouldn't be forking out £2.50 on flavoured water when you can get it elsewhere for a fraction of the price.

OP - I'm sorry to break it to you, but now is where it gets tough in terms of teaching your child about money. Most primary school children can manage money very well as they have limited access to it and parents who can impose a strong measure of control.
It's a totally different ball game when they can manage their own money. Particularly if their peers have more money than they do and they want to do the same as everyone else.
What happens when your DC starts to want to go for a coffee after school with her friends? Or go to town at a weekend and buy things she fancies? Or wants to go out for a meal with friends that's £10-£15 or more? Can she just do these things? Where's the point where she can't?

I'm afraid your point about your DD giving you £50 of her birthday money for charity made the opposite point to me, to the one I think you were intending to make. That this is a child that has access to a lot of money and doesn't really know what to do with it.

Not the case in my childrens private school. Bloody ridiculous. I pay both of children an allowance. They don't spend it on tuck as then they wouldnt have it gor other stuff - bubble tea in my dds case.

I can see the problem, I never wanted to eat first thing in the morning and therefore was hungry at 11. But my school (independent) had no ban on anyone from bringing food to eat at break and I think that’s U. Our tuck shop had mainly chocolate bars and crisps which I didn’t like so I just ate fruit.

I need to focus on breakfast - she’s a fussy eater and will have toast and fruit. Nothing heavy as she says she’s not hungry.

That's the problem isn't it?

Is she really not hungry or has she got into the habit of not eating much & relying on buying a snack at school?

Difficult if she really isn't hungry for breakfast though.

My daughters boarding school had an account system however they didn't pay for any snacks. However her prep was a money making machine! What I did find out later was some of the girls would load their plates leaving little for others to have. My daughter often went hungry as she couldn't eat spice or anything heavy on typical allergens (eggs, milk, soya, some nuts). She use to fill up on pastries etc. Could your daughter have reached puberty and is hungry?
I would load your DDs card with £50 for the month and that's it. Other posters are right she is mighty privileged. I have worked for a charity and £5 is the amount allocated for a main meal for four. We all make our choices and your marital status is nobody else's business. I would also be peed off she can't take in a snack box of cheese plain crackers etc. I am sure the parents are intelligent enough to know they can't put nuts in there!

OP, I was your daughter! Fancy private school for girls, mum paid for lunch, which I never ate. Lived on hot chocolate and coffee (from 14), KitKats, tuna rolls - and yes, flavoured water, all from the tuck shop (they still called it that) and snack cart.

My mum's efforts did win out in the long run - I grew up to be extremely careful with money, and have a healthy diet with little snacking. My mum had clear expectations around money and snacks, and was very rigid about them. I whinged about it a lot, but we didn't let it become a big argument, and I learned to live within my budget. It sounds like you're doing a great job and if you keep it up, it should all work out. You're a long way from producing an entitled madam.

I'm more worried about her skipping a proper lunch. Tween/teen girls often skip lunch to be cool, hang out with a clique of friends somewhere quiet (not in the dining room) etc., but it's a habit that can easily lead to disordered eating later. It might be worth having a talk to her about why she's skipping lunch and the social and educational value of eating a regular, nutritious lunch in a big group.

Have you complained formally by email at your child being put into debt on her card, despite your objections?

You need to formalise your position by email.

Agree an amount with her an stick to it.

In your place I would make a homemade protein shake which she can drink at her leisure on the way to school.

They can be very substantial and filling for children who don't like a traditional breakfast.

Everyone is very focussed on the money aspect which I completely appreciate is important but what about the health side. Eating snacks instead of proper meals everyday is really not good!

Don’t feel guilty that she’s hungry, she’s not if she’s buying flavoured water, she just wants to be the same as her friends. However I bet not all of her friends are buying snacks every day. Set a limit and teach her to be a free thinker and not follow the pack. It not necessary to eat every two hours, nor is it healthy. There were no snacks or drinks when I was at school, only lunch. My DDs have cards with funds on but will rarely buy snacks as they know the limit on their card and know I won’t approve of daily snacks although the odd on is ok. There is always credit left at the end of the week.

This thread has been an education. I've never seen 'your child will be rinsed by a profit-driven tuck shop selling confectionery and energy drinks (that are explicitly banned in state schools) at inflated prices' as an argument on either side of the state vs private threads

She’s not hungry. If she’s spending money on flavoured water, the simple answer is for her to start drinking free non-flavoured water.

I agree with all of this and I went to a state school. Thankfully my friendship group would eat lunch together, but other girl groups wouldn’t eat. My best friend (met at university) went to an expensive all girls private school and she said it was the norm to skip lunch or have a tiny snack on the go to sit with friends. Loads of girls had competitive under eating which led to anorexia and bulimia. Skipping breakfast and lunch is not a good habit for developing pre teens and teens.

@Springisintheair123 send your Dd in with a bottle of flavoured water so she’s not spending her snack money on water. Is she even buying food everyday?

Find out what snacks they sell and let her put the same ones in her pocket from home that way the school will think she has bought them from there (presuming they are a certain brand and a packaged snack)

The ‘cafe’ at my sons school was a big deal when they got to senior school. They could bring in snacks ( as they boarded they could buy at local supermarket ) but one of the treats of being in senior school ( 13yr + ) was hanging out at the cafe. So they wanted to do that with their friends.
Flavoured drinks was a big thing but again like OP school they were really expensive.

When your kids friends have £20 a day to spend it’s hard for them. But I simply stuck to my principles.

I found out the cost of everything they sold and we talked about what they could afford. They began to realise quickly how ridiculous it was to waste money on overpriced snacks.
So if everyone was ordering in expensive pizzas for an evening treat mine would share ( twins) a cheesy baguette. Still involved, still part of it, but not expensive.

They quickly became very savvy with their money. I will note one of them when younger was a complete spendthrift. Now he saves putting some of his uni part time job earning away.

In a way I’m glad they were around people that had money to burn. If you stick with it OP hopefully your DD will too.

When did this idea of constant snacking become the norm? We would have breakfast, lunch and then an evening meal, no mid-morning snacks and certainly not after school snacks, when I have collected my grandchildren it's been an eye-opener to see Mums handing their children food in the school yard!. Presumably they would be having a meal in a couple of hours. I don't believe that today's children need so much more food.

At secondary school level a lot are having "snacks" in lieu of meals.
Sometimes quite healthy snacks! and potentially more healthy than the school lunch

My DS didn't eat breakfast as he wasn't hungry first thing - he then had a snack at break and then a big dinner at home. So too much food wasn't the issue. I was more worried he wasn't eating enough

I think it is cheeky of the school to insist on this. A nice little money making sideline for them. Of course they should be allowed to bting their own snacks.

There’s research showing that delaying breakfast ( not eating until several hours after you’ve woken up) can be much healthier overall than eating within an hour or two of waking.

I’ve been playing with this personally and find delaying breakfast and caffeine until 10am I’m eating significantly less and I have less brain fog during the day.

I would just pick a spending limit and stick to it. I would also suspect someone from her lovely group of friends has parents that don’t give them money for tuck so they badger the other children. When DC was at school it was the lovely child with parents that paid 40 k into their pension to get a means tested bursary while living in a huge house.

It’s really simple, you put £5 a week on her account and give her no more. I’m not sure what so difficult about that.

OP I think you already know the answer, the £5 budget is hers to spend as she wishes. There should be no additional funding for snacks/flavoured water (tooth rot). If your DD’s private school is anything like the one our DD attends, they receive a hot and a cold lunch? Absolutely no need for anything else!

It's a money making scheme by the school.
Children should have the option to take their own snacks in. If there is a child with allergies then there needs to be rules about what snacks can be brought in. I taught in an independent school where we had several girls with peanut allergies. Children were still able to bring snacks and there was never an issue.

I actually don't think the school should be selling flavoured water and encouraging snacking. They can only be doing this to make money. It is completely unnecessary and it sets up unhealthy habits. If a child has had a decent breakfast they should be able to make it through until lunchtime with tap water to drink and a piece of fruit or a plain biscuit.

Can you block her card and then unblock it? Perhaps a compromise could be that she is not allowed to buy snacks from Monday to Thursday and has to drink water and eat the school fruit but on Friday she can have a bit of money on there to buy something.

ds loved spending "my" money on flavoured drinks. When it became "his" money (pocket money) where he had to choose between flavoured drinks 5 days a week in school or having more money to spend at weekends with friends he soon switched to refilling his own water bottle!

Age 11, for starting secondary school is when ds got a proper bank account and card/could pay contactless from his account using his phone, monthly allowance for pocket money and school lunch/snack and guidance on how to budget for the month. He also did any transfers from his bank account to parent pay app for school lunches, and paid for his own mobile phone/data (giff/gaff pay as you go not contract).

He had a few minor (and one major) mistakes/learning opportunities along the way, but by the end of the first term he was pretty on the ball with it.

Why not work out things like what you spend on her clothes through out the year, bus fare, transport snacks and pocket money and give her it as a monthly allowance.

It might look like a huge amount for a month but you cover school fees, uniform and lunches and transport to and from school. But she covers everything else. So if she wants an expensive item of clothing that month then she has to make the choice of having a £3.50 snack or eating fruit.