How do I deal with DD’s expensive school snack situation?

[Springisintheair123]

DD attends a secondary school where they do not allow kids to bring in their own snack from home. Instead, they may purchase snacks from the school cafe. I’ve battled with school to change this policy as I can’t afford DD spending 3.50-5 a day. I have said to her there is a £1 limit a day and she must have breakfast in the morning (she doesn’t eat much and so is hungry by break time at 10am). At the same time, she has no idea that 3.50-5/day is excessive for an 11 years old. I understand she’s hungry. School say they provide free fruit (sliced). This is a private school BTW.

Any ideas how to deal with this?

You stick to the school policy and she eats the fruit. Simple.

You can link money to chores/tasks. We like to keep track of their spends. Can also take money back very quickly, freeze spend etc if they are very naughty.

I find this kind of attitude really tight fisted. Look at it from her perspective, most kids will be queuing up and buying something nice. It's embarrassing and unsociable to not to be part of that. £3.50 a day doesn't sound excessive to me...I frequently spend over a fiver in our subsidised cafe on a baguette, crisps and a bottle of water. If you can afford private school, surely you can afford for her to eat with her friends? My son takes in a packed lunch to his (state) school and is busy playing football with his friends, so other than a Friday (when it's fish and chips) he doesn't bother with school lunch. But he always has a croissant and a bottle of flavoured water at break time, at a cost of £2.50. I'm fine with that. His brothers cost me £2.30 a day on primary school lunches so it seems fair. Kids cost a lot on food as they get older, it's best to face facts!

Put £5 on the card then and if she chooses to spend it in 1-2 days it’s up to her 🤷🏼‍♀️ best way to teach her Money management.

Sorry but I think that's a ridiculous expectation at 11. She's grown up with wealth, her poor sense of money is on her parents. But just refusing to give her money for food until she's learnt to manage money better which you won't even give to her.. makes no sense.

Can you see a menu or price list? Ask what 1 snack and 1 drink costs. Times by 5. Put it on on a Monday. That's it. That way she has actual money to learn to manage and a clear plan of what she can afford to make it last.

Wow. I honestly can’t believe what I’m reading either.

First of all.. are schools even allowed to ban food from outside? - even if their private sounds unhinged (we’re not talking about a curry and peas and rice, but a cereal bar or a piece of fruit..)
Personally I think that’s a huge liability on their end especially for kids with T1 diabetes, coeliac disorder and similar where food is critical. I’m sure they have an exception for that but it should be the rule, not the exception.

Secondly, I don’t think your daughter’s attitude on her own is necessarily the problem, I think her peers are 100% influencing her and being in a private school you can guarantee she has one or more friends that have a spending problem and make her think it’s ok or normal.

Thirdly, as someone else said I think it’s a safeguarding problem that any adult in specific (like the chef) can have power over your daughter.
That’s grooming waiting to happen any minute.
credit in general is also very inappropriate.
I would 100% email them and warn you will not pay any further balances and they should NOT allow credit. Also highlight about the safeguarding so you have it in writing.

Lastly, I would look at the type of breakfast she eats. Britain has an obsession with oats, cereals, biscuits and so on and quoting complex carbs at every turn. Reality is those foods simply raise your blood sugar to high heavens for it to then drop down massively and you feeling woozy or hungry. Proteins and fats are the key here. Then complex carbs in addition to that.
Good old real food. After a rich breakfast I really doubt she will be actually hungry by 10am.(Porridge and oats are fine, but you need more protein and fat).
She may then be slightly hungry by lunch but she won’t be ravenous or famished.
Feeling hungry is normal!
Yes, it’s an “unusual” breakfast nowadays in the UK, but imo that means nothing.

Personally I would also:

• Buy flavoured water and have it at home and she can take it in a refillable water bottle or their original container.
• Buy cereal bars that are small and if she’s really famished she can secretly snack on one.
• I would put whatever money you decide for the week on the card and once it’s finished tough luck.
• I would personally go a step further and give no money for 1-2 weeks and encourage food at home and then instead reduce the money from £5 to £3 because snacking should be an emergency not a given. She can then carry an apple or pear in her bag.
• Talk to her dad pre-emotive my where he should NOT give her money without talking to you or all of your efforts will be vain.

Although you said you’ve had a convo about money I would have another.
I also like the suggestion of someone else where you can emphasise that she could save her “snack allowance” she can then realise the saving at the end of term and buy herself a present or something she wants.

Lastly, allowances for the sake of it is something I don’t personally agree with..
Doing chores, getting creative with little “business ideas” around the house (I.e. saying mummy, you do x,y,z ever day/week can I offer you my services for £x a day/week) - clearly this is above random chores.
Although I don’t agree with allowances I would give money as-hoc like for a day out. It’s the entitlement part of an allowance I don’t like.

As there’s an inherent entitlement problem here.

OP on the whole I sympathise with you as you’re in such an impossibly difficult position as on one hand you have mum guilt, on the other you want to raise your daughter right and impose rules, then you have school not respecting your boundaries and putting silly rules, then your daughter being amidst peer pressure and lastly you now run the risk that your daughter will go to her dad and he will go against your parenting decisions. 😩
It doesn’t sound likely given the battle you’ve had, but if you can be a united front on the money, that would be fantastic.

Good luck 💐

100% this.

She’s 11. Pick your battles.

If you make this the battle at age 11 after you were the one who chose to send her to such a school, and you are really to going to regret it in 4-5 years time.

Seriously?
£3.50 for a SNACK if not much?
What you’re describing is a lunch. She is having a paid lunch as well so it’s not JUST the £3.50.
But also you’re an adult and work for your money and understand that if money is tighter you make your meal at home.
This is a child and needs to be still educated on money and the fact it doesn’t grow on trees.

I understand people have the feel that since it’s a private school OP must be loaded, but I know of people barely scraping by (many immigrants) that will spend Every single penny in the education for a better future for their kids and that’s how they’re there, not because they’re loaded.

Of course its all about profit, nothing to do with allergies!

You need to have a serious chat with her about not owing the chef money. At her age you should have that level of control.

I find it really sad that your spending habits are so sanctimoniously indulgent while most people in Britain and further afield are choosing between eating and heat. You're spoilt and you'll raise children who may be in dire straits if they're not lucky enough to land in the income bracket they grew up in. Consider donating to a charity.

I would give her whatever amount you're happy with her spending and refuse to pay any more than that. If she gets in a position to "owe the chef" then she'll have to explain to the chef that she can't pay him until next Monday when she next gets snack money. This is what real life will be like ....

At my son's private school they also have the no-snacks-from-home rule and all have school dinners (included in fees). They give them two biscuits (probably a fruit option too, I wouldn't know because my DS wouldn't even see fruit, never mind tell me about it) and squash at break. If I send cash in, he can buy chocolate bars and drinks and sweets. I want him to eat anything that might give him energy as he's a food-dodger, so I give £3 per week and when it's gone it's gone. That would buy 3 Lucosade drink, or 30 freddo bars! He makes his own choices, but when the £3 is gone it is gone!

I guarantee it's nothing to do with allergies and everything to do with profit. £2.50 for a 500ml bottle of flavoured water is pure extortion.

On a tangent but as the parent of a child with allergies my heart sinks when secondary schools attempt to be completely allergen-free. It does children with allergies no favours; they need to learn to manage their allergy in a relatively controlled environment before going out into the world.

Your child's private school sells sweets, chocolate bars, and Lucozade, on site, in an official cafe or canteen?

Yep, all secondary schools have always sold stuff. But not at equivalent of £5 a day, and not with bans on bringing stuff from home. If private schools do this as norm then I guess parents have money to burn on stupid whims.

I’m not loaded despite DD going to a private.

I had never thought about the safeguarding aspect of the credit issue. I have spoken to her and said that she’s too young to be getting into this habit and to understand the implications of not being able to afford things. We’ve had all the sensible conversations. It worries me she isn’t taking any notice of any conversations. Blocking her card makes her resentful towards me. I want to get a situation where she is responsible through understanding she has to live within her means.

I need to focus on breakfast - she’s a fussy eater and will have toast and fruit. Nothing heavy as she says she’s not hungry.

I think there’s an element of kids buying stuff for each other. Need to speak to her about that.

Biscuits, flavored water, muffins, croissants, pain au choc, sausage rolls - basically healthy stuff .

I still budget £6/person per day for all food . £2.30 on top of that when there’s food at home is ridiculous. If you’re spending £5 to buy one meal at work more fool you. Take something from home at fraction of price.
as occasional treat, fine, as routine, with all due respect you are wealthy if you can afford that and naive if you think it’s something most parents at state schools could afford

Dts are y7. They take packed lunch and get £7 a week for a snack, they like pizza or a waffle at break which is £1.40. If they go over and buy drinks then that's up to them, they don't get it topped up. We have plenty of drinks they can take from home on top of their water bottles.

They were burning through almost £30 a week each when they tried lunches that they didn't even really like and didn't want to queue for.

If they don't have money on their account they can't buy anything, there is no owing the chef anything!

@JudesBiggestFan RTFT op is talking about £3.50 on snacks not lunch

Not you, OP - I was asking @HappyAsASandboy

I agree wholeheartedly. 3.50/day isn’t a small amount. I am acutely aware my child is in a privileged position - if denying her daily indulgences makes me tight-fisted, so be it. I know everything could be taken from me one day - I want my daughter to have the resilience to cope, and that can only be learnt by having limits.

If your daughter has a bottle of water at break time from home and is given £1 or £2 then she can still afford a snack or can save the money. School should not be doing ious with children. Shocking.

@MotherOfHouseplants yes, in the canteen at break time they get free squash/biscuits for Year7/8 and option to buy chocolate bars (and drinks I think). At lunchtime they get lunch from the canteen (included in fees) and then the school shop sells sausage rolls, chocolate bars, drinks, sweets, cakes, biscuits etc). Shop also does bacon and sausage baps plus the sausage rolls/cakes etc at morning break, but only for Year 9 upwards, who don't get the free biscuits/squash.

I've outed myself to anyone else at the school now, but never mind!

I'm staggered! Energy drinks are explicitly banned in most state schools.