How do I deal with DD’s expensive school snack situation?

[Springisintheair123]

DD attends a secondary school where they do not allow kids to bring in their own snack from home. Instead, they may purchase snacks from the school cafe. I’ve battled with school to change this policy as I can’t afford DD spending 3.50-5 a day. I have said to her there is a £1 limit a day and she must have breakfast in the morning (she doesn’t eat much and so is hungry by break time at 10am). At the same time, she has no idea that 3.50-5/day is excessive for an 11 years old. I understand she’s hungry. School say they provide free fruit (sliced). This is a private school BTW.

Any ideas how to deal with this?

Volunteering.

Again, this reinforces my understanding that it’s the culture between friends and at school that is working against you.

Really, the only thing I could think of that would soften a pre-teen heart while making them understand how lucky and privileged they are is volunteering and doing kind gesture for others.

Maybe packing some food for homeless people, or volunteering at a food bank (maybe just shadowing you - I don’t know how that works), making her read more about the cost of living crisis, etc.

Could you switch out the go Henry card for one of those disposable Visa cards you can top up? There’s no request for money from you (she can’t get angry at you for not approving money) and you can’t overspend.

you place her limit on it at the start of the week eg £10 and that’s it. Reset it every week.

write to the school firmly and CC in the safeguarding lead that the ability to get into ‘debt’ with the canteen is absolutely irresponsible on their part and has huge implications around safeguarding, financial education and leaves kids open to exploitation from their peers if restrictions are not adhered to. They may be in charge when parents aren’t present but that means they cannot superseded reasonable parental boundaries like not giving an 11yo credit!

ask them if it’s appropriate to give a loan to a child without parental consent? They really do need to change their policy, and make it clear to the kids, around this. Some other parents might breathe a sigh of relief.

absolutely consider ask for an adjustment so sealed flavoured water and non caffeinated non fizzy drinks can be brought in from home. Aka still lemonades, fruit shoots, apple juice etc the school can still provide snack food and make a profit and give parent more control over liquid sugars/calories kids are getting

THIS

I agree. It’s parenting 101.

she can eat more breakfast or eat fruit till the cows come home. Her choice.

stop facilitating the brat-like behaviour

She’s hungry Because she’s making poor choices and your wishy washy response is teaching her that I’d she whines enough you’ll cave

tell her if she doesn’t stay within her budget you won’t be topping up the following week.

if other kids don’t have the card, you don’t need to have her have one either

be her parent! This is literally your call!

Other kids absolutely don't spend freely at private school....I don't think it's normal. Most have a budget that they spend (mine has around £20 per term, so 50p ish a day), Occasionally I give them another £5 if they run out but that's not normal. Many kids don't buy.... A few spend freely but not many, mine I think spend "freely" on one day every so often....so £3 once a week. Most stuff at school is 50p, or £1 which suggests she may be buying for all her friends??

I have a Y7 dc, who knows exactly how much everything costs and how she will split her weekly school food balance.
I top it up weekly, and lunches or food at break time or purchases from the vending machines all come out of the same account. There is enough for her to have £5 per week on top of lunch costs, but she generally chooses to save it for something more expensive once or twice per week.
Other DC prefers to have the £5 in a bank account rather than on school account, so can’t buy any extras at school.

I would try and get the school to agree to no IOUs.
Have a separate pre-paid cash card for school, with a set amount added by you per week, and when it’s gone it’s gone, or she can top it up with her own pocket money. It’s hard to learn the value of money if you can’t budget for yourself. If it’s her own money, she should be able to choose what to spend it on.

100% agree. We do this. In fairness to her, she handed me 50 quid of her birthday money for charity - I didn’t ask her.

I give her money to purchase food for food banks. She is a kind person, but I think is trying to keep up with others at school. She wanted the latest expensive trainers - I said no, so she scoured Vinted and eBay to find a pair that was acceptably priced. She definitely has some great habits and I think we can resolve this issue by making changes suggested on here.

I’m so glad to hear this.

I’m also glad that I was right in my assumption that she’s a good kid and is trying to keep up with appearances.
I love the fact that she decided to buy the trainers on Vinted so smart and resourceful!

You’ve got this!

One more call, to make you have a second look at the type of breakfast she has and ensure it’s not a load of carbs and fast acting ones at that.
Try introducing protein and fats as that will help so much staying full for much longer.

BTW the emphasis is not on me being “right” more that she has good character and morals despite this temporary situation.

Can you engineer a better breakfast so she's less hungry?
Can she eat in the car on the way to school?
Have a protein breakfast? Mine had sausage sandwiches with precooked sausage from the fridge, warmed in the microwave. Or cheese chunks.

Could your daughter be bullied into buying stuff for others and is scared of saying no?

This is definitely something I need to look into.

@321user123 thank you for kind words and for your advice.

I don’t think so. She’s very open about things that happen to her at school. She has lovely group of friends. I suspect the amounts she spends is because they buy each other stuff/ pay each other back.

This!

Sounds a bit ridiculous tbh.

I did lots of sport at school and would have really struggled if I was relying on only lunch & free fruit.

If you can afford private school, how can you not afford £3/day?!!!

Agree!

A multipack of anything is so much cheaper than buying single items.

They're just trying to make a quick buck on parents who are already paying fees. Ridiculous

I can afford 3/day. You will need to RTFT where I discuss why I think it’s a bad idea.

At the same time, she has no idea that 3.50-5/day is excessive for an 11 years old. I understand she’s hungry.

Then it’s up to you to teach her the value of money. I knew all about it at her age, because I was earning less in a week on my paper round than what your DD wants to feed her face on snacks daily!

You are absolutely right to try to get a handle on this now when she's 11.
It's a terrible entitled attitude to spend when it's someone else's money and not care about the cost, diet and environmental factor. She needs to eat more at breakfast and lunch.

My DSS is at college and had a credit card to pay for his travel and lunch with a verbal daily limit. He just ate total junk, buys plastic water bottles despite being given a nice refillable one and it's £2 here and £3 there for sweets and snacks. We've had to take it away, he was averaging over £800 a month . It's so easy on a card to spend if it's not your money. Try to get her to have a protein breakfast. Would the school object if she brought a banana in from home? My younger DS has one of those banana cases to stop it squishing and has that for break every day.
You are so right to tackle this now - it's not that you can't afford it but the attitude that goes with it - I can't be bothered to eat a proper breakfast or lunch so I'll just buy expensive snacks instead
Good luck

DS is allowed a bigger snack twice a week. Beyond that he has to use his own money.

if she still has go Henry, the transaction won’t go through if it’s beyond her spend limit. If she owes the chef they won’t keep serving her, just wait til they stop subbing her and pay off the original few quid at the end of term. If she can have a croissant and free fruit, and it’s only an hour til lunch, she will survive!

@PinkSyCo I thought I was doing a good job until this point. She’s had a pocket money card she was 6 and I’ve taught her about saving, charity money, buying things that are useful, stuff that she decides on. She was never previously excessive. I think part of it is that she’s now around kids who don’t have a limit perhaps and so she thinks the same should apply to her.

I think it’s great you did a paper round at 11, and would absolutely love for my DD to do small jobs in the community when she can.

I think, as with most things, compromise is key.

If she’s spending £3.50 a day, and you think £1 a day is better, can you meet in the middle?

Can you give her £10 a week? That allows her to spend £3.50 some days, and others have to economise.

Can you discuss what things are good value and what are not e.g. if the croissants are really good, that’s worth £1, but bottled water is a rip-off so don’t buy that etc. Ask her what the good stuff is and what it costs and help her think it through.

Can you buy her an AirUp bottle - extremely popular with the 11 year olds I know, it’s still more expensive than ‘just’ water but it’s got the cool factor and school presumably do not prohibit water bottles.

I wouldn’t get into a battle just in principle if there is an acceptable middle ground and it’s worth spending a bit of time & money to reach it.

Hi OP.
I put £6.00 a week on my DC cards for school to spend on tuck shop. £1.20 a day. They are allow to take in fruit/healthy bar but because of the sport they do, they are always hungry so I will top up their cards. They are at private school and I notice my DD was asking for more as she was buying flavoured water. I said No. Your budget is set daily and if you over spend then you go without the following day. They take in a water bottle and extra snacks from home.

I knew all about it at her age, because I was earning less in a week on my paper round than what your DD wants to feed her face on snacks daily!

Inflation. I used to take just over a pound a day in the late 80s/early 90s and that paid for my bus fare (12p one way in Y7), something at break and a proper meal - main course and a cake anyway- for lunch. I probably spent more like £2 a day in the early 90s. Bus fare went up to 30p.

Main meals are £2.20/£1.90 in DDs' schools (which I think is good value) but if they were to get a drink, a dessert and something at break it can easily be £5 a day. You can set your own limit on Parentpay though.

DD has a similar set up at her (private) school - there is no way on earth I would be giving her an extra £3-5 a day for snacks when I'm already paying nearly £6 a day for her lunch. I certainly don't spend over £10 on food out of the house on a regular working day!

Instead - it is a treat - as would getting a coffee and a snack be for me. Certainly not daily behaviour. She can either spend her personal allowance if she wants, or I do occasionally top it up as a treat/ reward.