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Original poster

Grandparents 45 minutes away.. how often would you think they’d visit?

128 replies

Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 09:13

The in-laws are a 45 minute drive from us, they used to be local but chose to move there. We have two very young children and that’s their only grandchildren. Admittedly we don’t go to their house that often but feel as there’s just two of them to jump in the car it’s much easier for them to come to us. We’d happily go to meet them for days out or somewhere half way for a soft play, lunch etc but they have literally never asked.

They only visit about once every 2 months. When both babies were newborn they landed themselves on us for 4 hour visits (without offering to help or bring anything) multiple times in the first couple of weeks but then they go months without seeing the kids. They expect our youngest to be able to call them grandma/grandpa but she has no way of knowing who they are as she sees the lady at the checkout in Tesco more often! They’ve made a couple of digs about them seeing my parents a lot (our oldest mentioned his other grandpa while they were there as he’s obsessed by him!) yet they don’t make any effort to see them more. Would you expect them to visit more or do some grandparents just do this?

OP posts:
Chocolatetadpole · 18/03/2023 09:20

My parents like a little further away than that, my mother comes down every week to see my children and help with childcare whilst I work. Probably see my dad monthly either they come to us, we go to them or we meet in the middle.

Chocolatetadpole · 18/03/2023 09:20

Live*

User339406 · 18/03/2023 09:20

My in-laws that distance away pretty much only came o birthdays. They weren't very interested in us

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Oneanddone88 · 18/03/2023 09:21

My parents live same distance and have been over once in a year. I'm always expected to go to them , and probably go once a month. My mum wonders why my daughter doesn't want to hug her much (DD is nearly 4)

Original poster
Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 09:23

@User339406 that’s kind of the stage I’ve got to with them, I don’t think they care unless there’s a new baby to take pictures of. My parents are the complete opposite and see my children every other day as they’ll be dropping in something or il be nipping in to their house for something. It was at Christmas there when my parents asked us to go to a Santa’s grotto with them and the in-laws mentioned at Christmas they’d been to a Christmas fayre place near them but I thought why would you not think to ask us to go?

OP posts:
Theelephantinthecastle · 18/03/2023 09:24

Do you actually invite them over?

Natalie2821 · 18/03/2023 09:25

We have 2 young children my MIL is 2.5 hours away, she’s visited us once in the last 3 years. My FIL probably visits once every 3 months he is 3.5 hours away (but works full time & travels) however he sees my children more than my own father who is retired and lives 5 minutes down the road. My mother sees them once a week.

MuffinToSeeHere · 18/03/2023 09:26

Mine live a bit further away and so far they come probably 2 or 3 times a year tops. They also hardly ever initiate video calls or ask about their grandchild in conversation unless DH mentions something first.

I know it annoys DH and he gets fed up of them making similar comments about being called grandad etc. I tend to leave it to DH to facilitate but I can see he is getting frustrated and because they make minimal effort we're making less of an effort too, he's no longer prepared to trek to see them ad frequently when they don't reciprocate.

Original poster
Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 09:26

@Theelephantinthecastle it’s never been an invite them over situation really, if we’re inviting them for a meal or something then we do but it’s always arranged through my husband speaking to his dad and they just don’t ask if they can see us or do anything with the kids. I just can’t imagine my son having kids and me sitting in the house for months on end without thinking of somewhere I want to go with them or something I’d get them etc, it’s like it just doesn’t cross their mind

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 18/03/2023 09:27

@Anothernewname13 maybe they feel they can’t fit in as you see your parents nearly every other day, when would there be time for them?

How old are they?

SirChenjins · 18/03/2023 09:28

Depends. Are they still working? Do they have a lot of other commitments? Every two months seems a bit infrequent but it might be that they feel that your parents dropping in every other day (which would do my head in) give you the support you need and they don’t want to intrude.

Plenty of other children see their grandparents far less frequently than every two months and still call their grandparents grandpa and grandma - your comment about the lady in Tesco is very unfair and uncalled for.

DurhamDurham · 18/03/2023 09:28

Our daughter lives in the same town now but for the first two years our granddaughter was born she lived a similar distance away and we saw them several times a week, either to provide childcare for work, babysitting on an evening or just to get together for lunch and a walk.

You get out what you put in and we have the best relationship with our granddaughter.
Being a grandparent is much better than being a parent Grin

Theelephantinthecastle · 18/03/2023 09:29

Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 09:26

@Theelephantinthecastle it’s never been an invite them over situation really, if we’re inviting them for a meal or something then we do but it’s always arranged through my husband speaking to his dad and they just don’t ask if they can see us or do anything with the kids. I just can’t imagine my son having kids and me sitting in the house for months on end without thinking of somewhere I want to go with them or something I’d get them etc, it’s like it just doesn’t cross their mind

I think a lot of parents of adult men don't feel comfortable inviting themselves over because a lot of DILs don't like it and find it intrusive. I think there's a fair chance that they are assuming you don't want to see them because you're not initiating it.

And it sort of sounds like you didn't like it when they visited a lot when your babies were born so that may also be part of it

If you want to see them more, why not ask?

blumppump · 18/03/2023 09:29

I would never have been able to back someone in and out of my house everyday.

I lived about that far from my parents when mine were young and I saw them probably once a month at mine and alternate months at theirs.

We were all busy and my parents both worked full time.

shouldhavetakenmorenotice · 18/03/2023 09:30

Grandparent visits are everything to do with the grandparent and very little to do with the travel.

Theelephantinthecastle · 18/03/2023 09:31

Plenty of other children see their grandparents far less frequently than every two months and still call their grandparents grandpa and grandma - your comment about the lady in Tesco is very unfair and uncalled for.

Agree - my maternity grandparents were in the US and I saw them about once a year, I still was fully aware of who they were and loved them very much. My grandmother died last year and despite only seeing her about once a year, I would genuinely describe her as one of my biggest life influences

Decafflatteplease · 18/03/2023 09:31

Mine are about the same distance away as yours (40 mins or so) and I see them usually every 1-2 weeks. However I'm a SAHM so can see them in the week easily.

Either they come here or I'll go there or we will meet half way.

Why don't you invite them to do something together maybe they are waiting for an invite?

BanoffeeBoat · 18/03/2023 09:32

My parents are about 25 minutes away and initiate contact / a visit about once every 2 months. If I suggest a visit to theirs they're usually up for it though. There are a few reasons - mum is far more comfortable in her own environment and is extremely controlling about food (disguised as hospitality, but in reality she would much, much rather choose and make the food herself than risk being served something she doesn't like/ prepared differently than she's used to).
Also, she finds toddlers (DS is 3) very stressful. Their emerging (sometimes irrational in her view) opinions and burgeoning independence is too much for her. She likes children to be totally compliant - so she was great at holding a sleeping newborn while I showered or napped, but after about 18 months old she's not that great.
She has improved a little after my brother gently said to her one day "mum, you won't get this time back you know". But it does take quite an effort on her part to deal with the anxiety and stress it causes her.
DH's parents are totally the opposite - can't get enough of the DC!

LBOCS2 · 18/03/2023 09:32

My in laws are about that far away (not far, but London traffic!) and we see them fortnightly. They come over on a Friday evening and we get a takeaway together and they see all the DC. It came out of them wanting to come up when we had DSS with us, and is now our routine. It's very low key and everyone is happy with it.

Original poster
Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 09:32

SirChenjins · 18/03/2023 09:28

Depends. Are they still working? Do they have a lot of other commitments? Every two months seems a bit infrequent but it might be that they feel that your parents dropping in every other day (which would do my head in) give you the support you need and they don’t want to intrude.

Plenty of other children see their grandparents far less frequently than every two months and still call their grandparents grandpa and grandma - your comment about the lady in Tesco is very unfair and uncalled for.

But is factually completely accurate

OP posts:
Original poster
Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 09:34

@LBOCS2 every 2/3 weeks is what I kind of expected when they were born

OP posts:
FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay · 18/03/2023 09:34

Mine have always lived 45 minutes away. DS is their only grandson. They couldn’t get enough of him when he was a newborn. They haven’t seen him since he was 8 months old. They haven’t asked about him since he was 10 months old. He’s now 15 months old.

HeddaGarbled · 18/03/2023 09:34

There’s a lot to unpick here. The language you use about them (‘landed themselves on us’) reveals your feelings about them. They’re not daft. They know you don’t like them. No wonder they’re wary of encroaching.

If you want to improve the relationship you will need to take steps to overcome the current gaping chasm, and that means issuing proper invitations and acting as if you like them.

And stop criticising them on social media.

Overthebow · 18/03/2023 09:34

45 minutes away I’d expect to see them a lot more but would expect you both to make the effort. Our closest is 3 hours and we see them every month or two, we take it in turns to travel. My group of friends with kids is spread over an area where 35-40 mins drive is usual and everyone makes the effort mostly weekly so the kids can see grow up together so I don’t see 45 mins as a problem to drive regularly with children if it’s for people you actually want your kids to have a relationship with.

BelindaBears · 18/03/2023 09:35

My in laws are about an hour away and we see them once a month at most, it might have been more if they didn’t have the dog which has taken over their entire lives 🙄 And they’re always busy with BIL’s kids who have parents who farm them out at literally every chance they get

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