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Original poster

Grandparents 45 minutes away.. how often would you think they’d visit?

128 replies

Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 09:13

The in-laws are a 45 minute drive from us, they used to be local but chose to move there. We have two very young children and that’s their only grandchildren. Admittedly we don’t go to their house that often but feel as there’s just two of them to jump in the car it’s much easier for them to come to us. We’d happily go to meet them for days out or somewhere half way for a soft play, lunch etc but they have literally never asked.

They only visit about once every 2 months. When both babies were newborn they landed themselves on us for 4 hour visits (without offering to help or bring anything) multiple times in the first couple of weeks but then they go months without seeing the kids. They expect our youngest to be able to call them grandma/grandpa but she has no way of knowing who they are as she sees the lady at the checkout in Tesco more often! They’ve made a couple of digs about them seeing my parents a lot (our oldest mentioned his other grandpa while they were there as he’s obsessed by him!) yet they don’t make any effort to see them more. Would you expect them to visit more or do some grandparents just do this?

OP posts:
Bemyclementine · 18/03/2023 10:32

Timeforchangeithink · 18/03/2023 10:10

This

Show quote history

This too.

You really don't sound like you like them much. That said, why don't you go to them? It's 45 minutes?? My parents are a similar distance away and we see each other a couple of times a week. If you went to them every couple of months you'd see them monthly. Or if you do want to see them, invite them over or arrange sn outing.

You haven't said how old they are or if they work.

toomuchlaundry · 18/03/2023 10:34

@MrsSkylerWhite will they mind you staying so regularly?

Favouritefruits · 18/03/2023 10:35

Some people are strange and don’t feel the family bond as strong as others my PIL live 8miles away just in the next town over they don’t visit us ever I think they have been over about 4 times in the last 10 years we probably visit them once every two/three months as I’m of the thinking ‘you rep what you sow’ and if they can’t be bothered then neither can I.

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Theelephantinthecastle · 18/03/2023 10:36

When you/your DH invite them, do they always/usually say yes?

Tiredalwaystired · 18/03/2023 10:36

My own grandma lives 40 mins away. I’ve taken my children over to her fortnightly since they were tiny. Their relationship is lovely. She’s probably a bit older than your folks (although she had kids young so maybe not a huge gap) but I guess I’m saying it’s as much on you to maintain the relationship as them. There’s no right or wrong, but if you want more there are ways to bake that happen

Phoebo · 18/03/2023 10:37

Mine are that far, further if traffic is bad and they come once a week. But we also make the effort to visit them (especially before DC). I think these things go both ways

Tiredalwaystired · 18/03/2023 10:37

Make that happen I mean of course.

Time4achangeagain · 18/03/2023 10:37

OP, do you ever suggest meet ups? Im
a mother of 2 boys and I wonder how I’ll navigate this. Some MILs are accused of being overbearing and some of being uninterested. Maybe it’s hard to get it right?

MyriadOfTravels · 18/03/2023 10:38

My PIL were about that far away when the dcs were little. We probably didn’t see them more often than every two months and it was always us going there.
BUT coming to see us was an ordeal for them (animals etc…).
AND we always invited them fir different celebrations etc…

My parents were a similar distance away and i saw them every other week during the day. The dcs saw them when coming back from school/nursery. Once they were in primary they also had them during a lot during the school hols (whilst I was working)

Neither if them would have organised a visit to go and see Santa etc… and I always made a point of involving them in that sort of activity. To go and see them etc…
If one if my now (young adult) dcs were nit coming with their dcs because it’s much easier for them to come to us, I’d be pissed off tbh. Good relationship are a two way things. Nit one party just expecting the other to make all the effort.

Original poster
Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 10:39

@Bemyclementine FIL is retired, MIL wfh part time. If I didn’t like them I wouldn’t be wanting them to visit or see the kids more. The last time we saw them we did go to them (and took our own dinner as they’d never offer to make something or get a takeaway). We have suggested them come with us or come to meet us when we go away for the weekend in a few weeks but they’ve said no to that. We have tried many times but I think they are just more interested in their own little world, which is fair enough if that’s the case but just wanted to see if many people were the same

OP posts:
ComeOnYouSummer · 18/03/2023 10:39

I’d say once a month alternating who travels to whom.

Zwicky · 18/03/2023 10:39

Sounds like you are all living your own lives and nobody is suggesting any meet ups, dinner invitations, outings etc. so you don’t get any. You can either pick up the phone and say “do you fancy coming for lunch next weekend” or you can not, and they won’t come. You can handwring all you want about how they “should” be different from how they are, your dh “should” communicate with them better, they “should” ask you over or to a Christmas market but the only person whose behaviour you can actually change in the first instance in yours. You either try to build the relationship or you don’t.

CallieQ · 18/03/2023 10:40

Maybe invite them over more?

Original poster
Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 10:41

@MyriadOfTravels we go to theirs as often as they come here I’d say but with a baby it’s definitely more difficult so for this period of our life it is easier for them to jump in the car to come here than for us to take everything but the kitchen sink in the car to theirs

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 18/03/2023 10:41

I would think once or twice per month.

When we were first married MIL, late MIL now, suggested we alternate visits because of the distance- one hour. We visited and she was over the moon and of course kept saying we had driven for “just an hour”. Next month DH called and asked when they wanted to visit. MIL was aghast because “you expect us to drive for an hour”

We were both working FT and commuting into London. ILs were early 60’s and enjoying their early retirement. Active, outgoing and hardly ever at home.

Viviennemary · 18/03/2023 10:43

About every two or three weeks. But it must be annoying for them that you don't make much effort to visit them. You should be taking it in turns.

Tiredalwaystired · 18/03/2023 10:44

If they’re only 45 mins away you can pop over for a couple of hours. No need to take the kitchen sink with you, just the same as anywhere you’ll be gone for an afternoon.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 18/03/2023 10:45

You say you'd happily meet them half way for soft play, lunch etc. but they've never asked - have you ever suggested it to them? I'm not sure why it's up to them to invite themselves over or suggest meet ups etc. if you're not doing it very often yourself. Maybe they don't feel welcome or are waiting for invitations?

I don't think our DC have ever seen either set of GPs more often than every two months or so (both live about an hour away), but they still have close relationships.

Theelephantinthecastle · 18/03/2023 10:45

Maybe it's because I don't have a car but when I took my babies out, I really just needed a changing bag and my boobs. Kitchen sink etc not necessary!

LindorDoubleChoc · 18/03/2023 10:46

I haven't read your OP just the question. I would say once a month depending on well they are and what else they've got going on in their lives. If they both still work full time and have other grandchildren or relatives to see then I'd say less frequently than that.

rhowton · 18/03/2023 10:51

My parents were 45 mins away and on maternity leave, my mum came down 2/3 times a week and I would go there.

Now we've moved closer to them and are 45 mins away from in laws. We see them twice a month but they will babysit if we ask them, in the evenings.

mondaytosunday · 18/03/2023 10:52

Maybe they are thinking 'they rarely ask us over or to do something with the kids - they'd call us if they wanted to see us or were free'. Be a bit more proactive!
But then again maybe they just aren't interested. My in laws only lived about 20 minutes away and they never spontaneously asked us to them, it was always my husband calling them and asking if we could go over or would they like to come to us, and they'd say they'd let us know (both retired and not very active socially). They once told us they looked at a house to buy about three blocks from us and not only didn't tell us they were looking didn't suggest dropping in. It really hurt my husband.
My own parents saw my kids every week if they were in the country. But I also noticed they usually waited for us to suggest it - I think they didn't want to come across as overbearing or interfering.
If you want to foster a relationship between them and your children get your husband to ask them to get involved. They may just be waiting for such an invite!

pbdr · 18/03/2023 10:55

My in laws live 1hr 15 mins away and go for several months at a time without seeing our toddler. Whenever we invite them there is always a reason it doesn't suit them. My daughter doesn't even know who they are.
My parents live the same distance away and see her twice a week, she adores them and we are actually in the process of selling our house to move close to them.

LittleBearPad · 18/03/2023 10:58

Well they can’t win can they?

Also meeting for soft play - the horror!

SalcombeSunset · 18/03/2023 11:01

I do feel for you, it is upsetting and I’ve been through this. My parents are hours away, ils live 10 mins away and have largely all stopped coming over except for special occasions. We tried a million times inviting them, suggesting days out, asking them to join us for last minute dinner (so trying both planned and spontaneous family time with the closer rellies) and they always politely declined. I’ve concluded after much disappointment and stress that our broad expectations of what “should” happen or how grandparents “should” function with our children can sometimes be skewed by a very rose tinted view. I’ve learned that the hard way and having to have a lot of therapy to become indifferent and unemotional about how both my own parents and ILs very infrequently contact or take interest in my child. Sad but their loss. Such is life.