Grandparents 45 minutes away.. how often would you think they’d visit?

[Anothernewname13]

The in-laws are a 45 minute drive from us, they used to be local but chose to move there. We have two very young children and that’s their only grandchildren. Admittedly we don’t go to their house that often but feel as there’s just two of them to jump in the car it’s much easier for them to come to us. We’d happily go to meet them for days out or somewhere half way for a soft play, lunch etc but they have literally never asked.

They only visit about once every 2 months. When both babies were newborn they landed themselves on us for 4 hour visits (without offering to help or bring anything) multiple times in the first couple of weeks but then they go months without seeing the kids. They expect our youngest to be able to call them grandma/grandpa but she has no way of knowing who they are as she sees the lady at the checkout in Tesco more often! They’ve made a couple of digs about them seeing my parents a lot (our oldest mentioned his other grandpa while they were there as he’s obsessed by him!) yet they don’t make any effort to see them more. Would you expect them to visit more or do some grandparents just do this?

My Dad used to live 3 hours away and he'd visit (his preference) about 2-3 times a year. Then 4 years ago he moved 8 hours away and I haven't seen him since (Covid has also been partly to blame).
My Mum lived 2 hours away but she moved to live in my village when the kids were little and I see her every day.

My mum is exactly like this! Never has the kids, never asks if we would like to meet them somewhere, never takes hem to the cinema or a pantomime or wants to come with them to see Santa. Nothing. I find it bizarre.

Mine live about 10 mins away and only see my DC about once every 6 weeks maybe? Sometimes a bit more like 4 weeks if specific events or reasons. Honestly, I think that's fine. I don't get this expectation on grandparents to be seeing their grandchildren all the time. They have their own lives too 🤷 My child knows she is loved and it makes it extra exciting and special when she sees them. I know some Grandparents genuinely want to spend every day or whatever with their kids/grandkids but just because some people are more independent/younger/still working/more active/have busier lives, doesn't mean they don't love their grandchild or aren't interested 🤷

Plenty of other children see their grandparents far less frequently than every two months and still call their grandparents grandpa and grandma - your comment about the lady in Tesco is very unfair and uncalled for

Quite. My childrens' grandparents all lived much further away and we saw them 2 or 3 times a year. They still all had very good and familiar relationships.

This .Do you make attempts to include them with your activities.

I could’ve written this post. Except it’s my parents and they live just under an hour away. It’s really upsetting. We have two children, one a baby and although they came twice after the baby was born, that was it, despite me first hinting and then being direct about how we’d like to see them more.

They get frustrated that my oldest is often withdrawn around them but the truth is, she doesn’t really have a relationship with them and they don’t know or understand her.

I asked them if they would come to my baby’s first birthday at our house and they gave me an excuse which I have since realised was actually a complete lie which is even more insulting!

Its sad because they can’t do enough for my niece and nephew who are a few years older and live half an hour away.

I just keep thinking I will do better if I am ever a grandparent and to truly value the friends who do show up for us and our children. But my parents are missing out and so are my children - and I could’ve done with some support during the newborn days!

I honestly do not know why you are worrying about this. They visit when they want to visit - that's fine. There are plenty of posters on here who cannot get interfering in-laws out of their hair.

What is the problem? There is nothing abnormal about their behaviour, and unless you had a care arrangement that they have reneged on then what is the problem?

If they are only 45 mins away I really cannot see the problem with driving to see them . Drive over at nap time . You really do not need the kitchen sink with you for a few hours 🤨

We have exactly the same situation, my parents. I'm so hurt by the fact they don't seem to want to build a relationship with their grandchildren. It is so much easier for them to come to us (we have a car seat hating v young baby and a toddler). They never, ever suggest a day out or coming to us. They rarely suggest us coming to them to be honest. It feels as if it's a hierarchy thing and they always expect us to initiate the plan and also to come to them as they're elder... But neither of them work, both drive, both have plenty of free time and money. They seem to find it easy to travel somewhere they really want to go like the beach or some festival. But to spend time with us? Not a chance. As I say, it's really painful and I don't know how you get past it. They clearly just don't care that much but that's such a difficult thing to make peace with. I guess they're just not very nice people. I could never imagine doing this to my own children.

This ^

Mine are 45 mins away, see them twice a year

Maybe they don't feel able to just turn up and are waiting for an invite? Lots of posters on here get the hump when relatives turn up unannounced or without waiting for invites.

Maybe you were unwelcoming when they were visited before and you said on your OP they were a nuisance/didn't bring anything?

Maybe they are just busy with their own lives/work?

Maybe they think you're not interested as you don't visit them?

Maybe they are just not that interested themselves and happy to be distant grandparents?

Lots of reasons. No-one on here can judge really.

Why don't you invite them round or suggest a meet up halfway and say we'd love to see more of you?

we go to theirs as often as they come here I’d say but with a baby it’s definitely more difficult so for this period of our life

I don't understand this. If it's not an overnight stay, you don't really need any more than, say, a trip to Tesco.

My parents live 3 hours away and we see them every weekend or every other. My in-laws live abroad and we see them 3 times a year but it's more like 5 weeks a year with 24 hour days unlike my parents who come down for 3-4 hours. However my parents are more hands on and do things with dc. Last year my df called me at work and said he wanted to take my little one on a bus ride and they went on the bus to the town centre and had ice cream down the beach. My in-laws live in a holiday resort with a indoor and outdoor pool and amazing parks outside their apartment and they never want to do anything with dc while around despite in decent weather. In laws are same age as my parents with no health issues and even ds aged 4 said after visiting during the Xmas holidays that he was really bored and he wanted to go to the park and grandpa watched tv when DH and I left ds with them for a couple of hours to sort out some errands despite saying he can go. They put no effort in with ds, hardly interact let alone want to do things with them. My own parents love spending time with ds and try to do things with him all the time. My DH has his own bedroom in my in-laws apartment and he still has his own stuff there such as wardrobe with his clothes, old perfumes etc. I left a couple of toys from our previous visit in dh's old bedroom as I didn't want to buy anymore the next time we came and guess what, they gave them away to some neighbours kids. It wasn't in their way or anything, it was neatly tucked away in dh's bedroom.

I think once or twice a month would be average at that distance. If they come every two months they clearly are interested, just not very interested.

If you like them and want the kids to see more of them I would say this to them. Maybe they just need a push - they seem limited in hosting and guest skills.

However, you need to cool it on the resentment. It’s ludicrous to compare a grandmother to the check out woman at Tesco - your child’s interactions with the latter lady a minute and it is not a life long relationship. They clearly are interested in your kids, just not as much as you’d like.

This
you have dropped some unpleasant remarks on your posts about them . How they just ‘landed on you ‘ , how they would never think to ‘feed ‘ you , how they never ‘did anything ‘ when visited baby .
I think they probably think they are not welcome . And you need to make more of an effort with them if that’s what you are after . Go and see them , it’s not all one sided . And the remark your child not knowing what to call them is ludicrous.

I think you over estimate the draw of a soft play lunch for adults who don't have there own children bin tow. I have children and can't think of anything worse.

t@toomuchlaundry

No, their idea 😃

MIL is about that distance and she visits about once every 6-8 weeks. We never visit her though as we are NC with her partner and he'd not let us in the house anyway. He was once in hospital having a heart operation and kicked off at her for letting us stop by to check on her and dh got a torrent of abusive messages from him. Honestly, this frequency is plenty for me. MIL tends to come and stay for a night or two to get away from her partner anyway, so while it's only about every 2 months, it's a good chunk of time. I wouldn't really want it to be any more frequent. Our dc are also her only GC.

I'm about an hours drive from DD and her family. Now DGS have karate on Saturday and go the the climbing wall on Sunday (every weekend!) I rarely see them. DD doesn't drive and her DH is allergic to my cat so they never come to me much as I'd love them to.

Ils lived 6 mins away by car. Never visited.. Even post emcs. We moved an hour away and she told everyone we had taken ds away from her...

MIL lives a 45 minute drive away and had only visited my LO once when she was born, she is now 7 months. Me and my partner drive up every other weekend. I’m getting frustrated as she never asks how LO is and if I send photos I don’t get a reply and I just feel it’s very one way at the moment, do I just get on with it and travel up less? Maybe invite her down? The issue is she drinks daily too and she invites us to the pub which I don’t think is suitable for my 7 month old.

Mine live a little further away and do a school puck up once a week for us.

Zombie

Why did you reply to an 18m old thread?