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Original poster

Grandparents 45 minutes away.. how often would you think they’d visit?

128 replies

Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 09:13

The in-laws are a 45 minute drive from us, they used to be local but chose to move there. We have two very young children and that’s their only grandchildren. Admittedly we don’t go to their house that often but feel as there’s just two of them to jump in the car it’s much easier for them to come to us. We’d happily go to meet them for days out or somewhere half way for a soft play, lunch etc but they have literally never asked.

They only visit about once every 2 months. When both babies were newborn they landed themselves on us for 4 hour visits (without offering to help or bring anything) multiple times in the first couple of weeks but then they go months without seeing the kids. They expect our youngest to be able to call them grandma/grandpa but she has no way of knowing who they are as she sees the lady at the checkout in Tesco more often! They’ve made a couple of digs about them seeing my parents a lot (our oldest mentioned his other grandpa while they were there as he’s obsessed by him!) yet they don’t make any effort to see them more. Would you expect them to visit more or do some grandparents just do this?

OP posts:
HVPRN · 18/03/2023 09:35

How old are they? Retired?

DinosaurOfFire · 18/03/2023 09:37

When my eldest was a baby we lived 2 hours away from both sets of grandparents. My mum visited about once a month for the weekend and we would go visit 'home' around once every 6 weeks Friday to Sunday. My MIL visited us twice in 3 years, and my FIL once (they are not together)
We moved back, and lived 20 mins from my mum, and 30 mins from my MIL and FIL. We saw my mum about 4 times a week- her visiting us, us visiting her, and my MIL and FIL on special occassions or when we chose to drop in on them. I think families just do things differently- I see my sister often but we hardly see my SIL's at all, and not through lack of trying but when it's only you doing the chasing and organising for years, it reaches a point where you stop reaching out for anything other than special occassions as they won't want to meet up anyway!
At 45 minutes drive one way, my mum would have seen us weekly I think, maybe twice a week depending on how busy we were. But my in laws wouldn't have done.

timeforchampagne · 18/03/2023 09:37

Doesn’t sound like you like them so I’m not sure why you’re so keen they visit?

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Thistooshallpsss · 18/03/2023 09:38

Why are you not willing to visit them?

coffeeginandkindness · 18/03/2023 09:38

There's often an uneasiness and complicated emotions

My mother regularly "cuts off her nose to spite her face" in order to not appear to be an "interfering mother in law"
Partic with my bro's wife

I am making a list of the kind of mother in law/grandparent I want to be

We don't see ours very often, but we talk about them a lot
Also young kids can be annoying to older less patient folks, when they get older and have more interesting things to say I think it gets better

You are very lucky to have help with childcare and your parents close by

IncessantNameChanger · 18/03/2023 09:39

My in laws lived .5 miles from us and never saw us. It's dhs parents so not my job to arrange staying in touch..they moved and I haven't seen them in six years now. Dh sees them once a year alone. I feel its theirs and dhs problem. But after 6 years of not seeing the kids it's possibly better for me to deal with the fact they don't figure in my life. Dh said he asked to see them at Christmas and they suggested Easter but nothing has been arranged. If dh does get to arrange it I'm not going. People are weird and just because they are family there's not always any love there.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 18/03/2023 09:40

Has dh got a dsis? Could they be waiting for 'proper dgc'? When I had the first dgc ils were interested.. When their dd had a dc a year later we didn't see them for dust. Holidays and free childcare for sil and her dc. Ours never got an invite for tea. And that's sadly how it stayed....

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 18/03/2023 09:41

45 minutes away is local to me. Not hyper local but very nearby. My PILs are about that distance. DH ‘pops by’ to see them. There is no need to meet halfway for a 45 minute journey.

I’d expect to see them about once a month. But then I actively invite them and cook for them at least once a month and they do the same. When the DC were very small they lived in the same place and it was two buses and a decent walk to get there for me without the car so 45 minutes was actually 2.5 hours and I still went to see them with the DC. They and the DC are very close.

Now they are old and more frail we go over there to look after them and fix things in the house, get shopping etc.

Resembleflower · 18/03/2023 09:42

My Mums lives 45 mins away. She’s invited regularly comes 3 time a year! My ‘Dad’ lives an hour away and it was once a year. Now he won’t talk to me and I haven’t seen him since Jan 22.

sucks but what can I do?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/03/2023 09:42

Yabu to get annoyed about a visit every two months when you don't even visit them. If you also did once every two months, the kids would see their grandparents every month.

fruitbrewhaha · 18/03/2023 09:44

HeddaGarbled · 18/03/2023 09:34

There’s a lot to unpick here. The language you use about them (‘landed themselves on us’) reveals your feelings about them. They’re not daft. They know you don’t like them. No wonder they’re wary of encroaching.

If you want to improve the relationship you will need to take steps to overcome the current gaping chasm, and that means issuing proper invitations and acting as if you like them.

And stop criticising them on social media.

This.

You don’t sound like you like them very much. If you don’t invite them over they won’t invite themselves.

SirChenjins · 18/03/2023 09:44

Anothernewname13 · 18/03/2023 09:32

But is factually completely accurate

Show quote history

No it’s not - grandparents are your grandparents, you don’t have to see them every other day to call them that. Millions of children across the world do exactly that.

I note you haven’t answered any of my questions - or did you want everyone to agree with you and say there are obviously selfish, neglectful people who don’t care about their GC because they had the temerity to move further away from you and live their own lives?

PuttingDownRoots · 18/03/2023 09:44

Pils live around 1hr15 drive away and visit most weeks.
FIL will come just to watch our younger DD play in a rugby match for an hour.

aSofaNearYou · 18/03/2023 09:44

I think you're being a bit ridiculous about your kids not recognising them, which I guess is coming from you being used to a relationship more like your parents. Plenty of kids see their grandparents far less than every two months, I saw my grandparents less than this (1 hour away) and they were still extremely beloved to me. We would go to stay with them every now and then for weekends/half term rather than seeing them all the time - but then you've also complained that they've stayed too long when they've been there a few hours.

It comes across like you would view anything other than the exact grandparent dynamic your parents have with them as "wrong", and you need to come to terms with the fact that they're not doing anything unusual.

The only thing they're doing that's unreasonable is moaning about your parents seeing them more, as they could always make more effort if that's how they feel. This comment to me suggests it annoys them that you never come to them, and I don't see why you don't tbh.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/03/2023 09:44

timeforchampagne · 18/03/2023 09:37

Doesn’t sound like you like them so I’m not sure why you’re so keen they visit?

This is what I was thinking, too.

Saschka · 18/03/2023 09:45

DM lives about 90 mins away, and comes up on the train to see DS6 once a fortnight (picks him up from school). We often go down to hers in the holidays.

FIL lives about 20mins away, and sees him on Christmas and birthdays (we go to him, he hasn’t been to our house since DS’s first birthday). Both in early 70s and in good health.

Ultimately they get out what they put in. DS is very close to DM, and not particularly bothered about FIL.

CanIAskAnotherStupidQuestion · 18/03/2023 09:46

If I were a grandparent, it would depend on how welcome I felt.

If I felt welcome, happy and “at home” there - properly part of the family - then once or twice a week, particularly if I felt I was able to help with something that was appreciated.

If I didn’t feel welcome then I’d worry I was an imposition, and would limit myself to once every 4-6 weeks, but I would miss my family and feel unhappy about it. I would be sad at not seeing small grandchildren, but not want to put my desire to see them above the parents desire otherwise. I would try not to be selfish by “landing on” them too often. I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable enough to suggest a day out or a trip if I wasn’t even comfortable enough to visit.

If my family rarely visited me and always expected me to visit them, then I would be more likely to suspect I was an imposition, and therefore would be less likely to impose myself on them.

Slimjimtobe · 18/03/2023 09:47

I think they’ve picked up on the fact you don’t really want to see them - you don’t go up (that said I let dh deal with his parents though I do visit every month)
his mother got into a habit of ringing me and moaning / stressing so that’s stopped now (it was daily whilst dh didn’t have to deal with it - I was getting the brunt of it)

Zonder · 18/03/2023 09:47

I think PIL relationships are something for their child and them to sort. We saw mine as often as they and my husband arranged it.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 18/03/2023 09:47

PILs are 40mins away. When the DC were small we'd see them weekly. Now they're teens and PILs help out with their other small grandchildren it's probably twice monthly. They have a lovely relationship with my DC.

mac1974 · 18/03/2023 09:49

My dad is 30 mins away & we see him about every 3 weeks. It's hard though as the kids aren't too interested in going & he rarely wants to come over this way. Sometimes I just go over on my own for a few hours. I think the problem is that he & the kids don't share common interests. It works well if he comes here as they can do their own thing & he enjoys watching the sport when he does come here.

2bazookas · 18/03/2023 09:50

You haven't mentioned if they are working, committed to volunteer jobs, have absorbing hobbies unsuited to small children, busy renovating their new home. Have a dog.

THEY HAVE LIVES OF THIR OWN, which you seem not to have taken account of.

if we’re inviting them for a meal or something then we do but it’s always arranged through my husband speaking to his dad and they just don’t ask if they can see us or do anything with the kids.

If YOU never contact them to invite them, maybe they think that means you don't like them/want them there? They don't suggest meet ups because you don't

Soakitup37 · 18/03/2023 09:53

If you want to see them more lead by example. Go to them, let them host you. Invite them to yours suggests dates in advance and get stuff booked in.

you can’t exactly use the excuse you have small children - you are capable of getting them to tesco thus capable of travelling 40 mins or so to see them.

for what it’s worth my parents are a similar distance and I see them every few weeks some times longer plans depending. I always go to them but I actually prefer it, saves me the effort of hosting.

cptartapp · 18/03/2023 09:53

My IL's live a similar distance. We saw them about once every six or seven weeks. SIL lived next door and once her DC came along we spent the following years playing second fiddle.

MuffinToSeeHere · 18/03/2023 09:53

If YOU never contact them to invite them, maybe they think that means you don't like them/want them there? They don't suggest meet ups because you don't

But if they wanted to meet up then surely they could arrange that with their son, why does it have to be arranged with the OP? My mum arranges visits through me not my husband, no one would insinuate she thought he didn't like her just because he wasn't the one making arrangements??