Grandparents 45 minutes away.. how often would you think they’d visit?

[Anothernewname13]

The in-laws are a 45 minute drive from us, they used to be local but chose to move there. We have two very young children and that’s their only grandchildren. Admittedly we don’t go to their house that often but feel as there’s just two of them to jump in the car it’s much easier for them to come to us. We’d happily go to meet them for days out or somewhere half way for a soft play, lunch etc but they have literally never asked.

They only visit about once every 2 months. When both babies were newborn they landed themselves on us for 4 hour visits (without offering to help or bring anything) multiple times in the first couple of weeks but then they go months without seeing the kids. They expect our youngest to be able to call them grandma/grandpa but she has no way of knowing who they are as she sees the lady at the checkout in Tesco more often! They’ve made a couple of digs about them seeing my parents a lot (our oldest mentioned his other grandpa while they were there as he’s obsessed by him!) yet they don’t make any effort to see them more. Would you expect them to visit more or do some grandparents just do this?

My inlaws are similar distance to yours and they only visit us for bdays or family occasions. They will never just call. It used to bother me and I was expected to call to them but I gave up that when covid hit. My kids are older now (9 and 7) and they don't seem to mind. Their cousins live 5 mins from grandparents and they do see them more regularly but it's not a warm relationship either. Some people are just like that I guess. Give to your time to those who want to share theirs with you.

Why are you waiting for them to ask? They don't know your plans. How hard is it to say 'oh we're thinking of taking the kids to x y z tomorrow/next week do you fancy joining us?'. I find alot of people don t want to be seen to intrude, so may be waiting for an invitation.

Effort goes both ways. Why don't you visit them occasionally? Ask them over for dinner? If you want your children to have a relationship with them, make some effort.

Mine are same distance, retired, don’t have loads of hobbies. Adore their GC. They come over twice a week, it’s the highlight of their week.

45 mins isn’t far I travel further than that to work! Assuming they have transport etc.

So why not invite them over? Tell them clearly that you'd like to see them more often.

In contrast tho ILs are less than 10 mins. I haven’t seen them for 2 months.

distance isn’t the factor!

My parents and in laws all live 30-45 mins away depending on traffic. They come every week or maybe two.

@Anothernewname13

Also chiming in here to say it doesn't sound like you even like them anyway. It seems like they have their own life. They spent their life raising children, probably working full time. Maybe still working part time now, or even if they are retired, they are entitled to spend their life how they want. If they only want to see their grandchildren every couple of months, it's entirely up to them. 45 minutes away isn't the end of the world, but it's also not just round the corner either.

My kids live 25 minutes and 35 minutes drive away from us... in the city, and we are in the countryside. We get a visit from them probably once every six to seven weeks. Me and DH go and see them somewhere in the middle. So we actually see them once every 3-4 weeks. We speak almost everyday on WhatsApp or Twitter or Facebook, and have lots of laughs over the Internet, sharing memes and jokes.

I have tried to arrange more visits - and for us to see them at weekends more. But they are busy professionals, and are not available much. They have about two dozen friends between them, they travel a lot, they play different sports, and have busy recreational hobbies in the arts and media.

They're both in their late 20s now, and both got married in the past year and a half, and they'll be having children in the next few years, as they both want them.. If they do want to see me and DH 2 or 3 times a month, or 6 times a month then we'll be there. We'll see them as often as they want to see us. I certainly won't be making him feel guilty for not visiting us often during their 20s... as I understand they have very busy lives. I welcome them when they come and love to see them.

It seems to me you are just a little bit miffed. You're short of people to look after your kids.. It's really annoying when people have children and then expect their parents, (the children's grandparents,) to look after them and 'see them more.' THAT is why many people want the grandparents in their childrens lives more, so they can take them off their hands.

And if they don't step up and actually, (God forbid), get on with her own life, they are slated for it and called 'bad grandparents.' who the children don't even recognise anymore. (I don't believe that BTW!)

As a few posters said, I think you need to make more effort to go and see them. I had two kids under three and I was constantly going out with them, visiting relatives, visiting friends, taking them to playbarn, the zoo, the park, the woods, and the beach ... Sounds like you're making lame excuses, and you sound a little bit lazy and entitled to me, to be honest.

because we lived 6 hours away from my parents we would visit them twice a year occasionally 3 times, my father was in his 90's so comng to us wasn't really an option in the years before he died, however my DD knew exactly who her grandparents were at 2-3 and recognised them instantly on sight. we never face timed as my parents didn't have the tech. I think your in-laws feel that they need to be invited, generally speaking you invite people to your home you don't expect to invite yourself, 45 minutes is too far to just pop by on the off chance you are in and want visitors.

Are they retired op?

Mine (late 60s when DD was born) seem to be under the impression that we the parents should be running round after them, the grandparents, going to visit them and facilitating the grandchild/parent relationship. And also that those days should be focussed around what the grandparent wants to do rather than something child-friendly.

I think she's thinking of a time when mums didn't work, grandparent was very frail and elderly and couldn't get about under their own steam.

As it is, we have grandparent with ample free time and zero commitments but we (work full time) are meant to do all the visiting.

So we see them 3-4 times per year.

We’ll be moving around 200 miles away. I plan to visit every ten days or so and stay over for the night. They will visit us every month/6 weeks for the weekend as my husband is disabled and can’t travel comfortably.

This

@RidingMyBike this is very similar to our situation. Except my inlaws were in mid 50s when my oldest was born. My FIL is still working but my MIL has lots of time on her hands.

My kids don't even like going to GPs at the moment as all their is to do is watch TV. There's very little interaction with them when we do go so I just don't bother anymore. We seen them in Jan as my was youngests bday and we might not see them again until June at my husbands nephews communion. Suits me fine. With kids activities and work we don't have much free time. But thats life now I guess.

I'd expect visiting to be turn and turn about. Equal effort on both sides.

I’d say at least monthly, but do they feel welcome to come more?

I'd think monthly like @AcrobaticCardigan , perhaps you need to be inviting them or suggesting you visit.

Do you have children? I don't think many people would find 3 x 200 mile overnight trips a month sustainable.

Wow! How lovely is that 😊

Zonder · Today 10:25
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 10:06
We’ll be moving around 200 miles away. I plan to visit every ten days or so and stay over for the night. They will visit us every month/6 weeks for the weekend as my husband is disabled and can’t travel comfortably.

“Do you have children? I don't think many people would find 3 x 200 mile overnight trips a month sustainable”

Well, yes, the children/grandchildren whom I’ll be visiting!

I will find it perfectly sustainable. I imagine a lot of healthy grandparents would.

It depends on lots of things, regarding how often they visit.

My DM lives 45-1hr away and visits about twice a year (DC are teenagers) but it's always been the same. DM is mid 70s and can easily drive to our town centre to shop and not visit.

But funny enough, expects me as full time working mother and busy household to visit every week and then moans at me for 2-3 hours about what a crap daughter I am..... I gave up visiting in Jan...

Also depends what you as family want from the relationship. MIL
lived 8-10 hours away, we'd see each 2-3 times a years and we have wonderful memories of the times we shared. She never moaned, was alway happy to see the children and was alway a positive happy visit. Completely different to that of DMs.

Once every 2 months sounds perfectly sensible. It's not about how far away they are, but the fact that they have lives of their own - friends, hobbies, jobs or volunteering, a house to run etc. Having to fit in family visits every week would probably be too much for mist busy and active people.

I'm the same. I try and go once a week , work permitting.

My parents are 45 mins away and would come up once a week to do the school run and childcare even though that meant setting off at 7am. We were very grateful 🥰

@blumppump FIL is, MIL works part time from home and brings her laptop to do work here if they come sometimes. They go away lots of weekends away and drive to the other end of the country for that so that’s what makes us think why can you do that but not stop in to see them?

@MrsJBaptiste thats so nice of them!