Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

Even the AI can give good answers on this (from ChatGPT):

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It's understandable to feel hurt and used when your friends only seem to contact you when they need something from you.

In terms of responding to your friend's message, it's okay to set boundaries and say no if you don't feel comfortable helping out with the event. You could reply with something like, "Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm afraid I won't be able to help with the event next week. I hope it goes well for you."

If you feel like addressing the issue of not being compensated for your previous work, you could also add, "I want to clarify that I won't be able to volunteer my time without compensation moving forward. While I was happy to help out at the last event, I was disappointed that I wasn't compensated for my hard work."

Remember that it's important to prioritize your own well-being and not feel obligated to say yes to every request from friends, especially if it's causing you distress.

oh so she said she would pay you and has not. OK this definitely changes your response to her this time. Do not do silence - it is not powerful in this situation!

Use the response from @Rainbowqueeen - here are my bank details for last event. Can you let me know when you have transferred to me and then what hours you want me to work this time. You know how strapped I am at the moment.

Then you have set a boundary 1 that you expect payment from last time and 2 you expect payment for future work.

Feel free to add a few fluffy words 'lovely to hear from you' 'I worked hard at last event' 'hope it goes well'

Do not let CF emotionally black mail you into working for free - you can't afford to.

I would avoid sugarcoating it or being passive aggressive just be really honest.

“Hi <friend>, nice to hear from you. Exciting you have another event coming up so soon, but I’d prefer not to help again unless it’s a paid thing. To be honest, last time I came away feeling a bit used. Things are tight for us financially right now, so I’m happy to help I’d it’s a paid gig, but I don’t have the bandwidth to give that many free volunteer hours again.”

100% this

Just wondered what her latest adventure is that leaves you sweaty and achy at the end of the evening?

*money making venture

Perhaps just hint eg say money is a bit tight so you can't justify the petrol cost and you can't spend the time and energy because you are looking for earning more

Are people really this scared of their own friends?

Hi X, you're taking the piss aren't you? I worked like a slave last time and you earned a fortune and couldn't even be bothered to reimburse my food and fuel. No I won't be 'helping' you any more.

Bless you OP you sound like Anne from Motherland and your friend is Amanda.

What was the event? If it was a charity thing, maybe she just presumed all help would be 'voluntary.' If it was a private event then she needs to pay her staff appropriately.
No need for excuses or explanations. Ask her if she's paying, if not then a simple no.

Sorry, just caught your last post! Definitely a no then!

Would you have been happy if you had been thanked?

I don’t think you can object to not being paid if that wasn’t the arrangement. Presumably you’ve given the impression that you are happy to help out for nothing. She sounds an unpleasant person but such people will and do take advantage of others if they are given the opportunity.

Decide what you want. Do you want to be friends? Do you want to meet for coffee? Is it that you wanted gratitude? Or do you want to be paid?

just politely set out your terms.

And I don’t think you should be running around doing things for people for free all the time or you will be taken advantage of.

Send her an invoice for the last event and agree terms in writing of your payment for this one. How dare she!

She's not your friend and I doubt you will hear from her again.

OP are you able to increase your hours of paid work (or look for paid work if you're currently not working) so that you are unavailable to your "friend"? That would have the effect of helping to sort out your finances a bit and also make you much less available to others wanting free use of your time. Also, don't undervalue your services: people are likely to treat you the same way at the value you place on yourself.

Sounds like you worked very hard at the last event and just hoping to be given £20 in contributing what was a very successful event for your friend's business doesn't help you.

In the meantime do check if you are claiming all benefits you are entitled to (www.entitledto.com) as well as your 25% single occupier discount on your home if you are the only adult living at home. Check your council's website for more information on this. Good luck. 🌹

I would probably reply with something like :
"I'm afraid I'm looking for paid employment at the moment, so finding my time a bit stretched"
See if she offers to pay you - Although still feel you may be exploited.

Highly inappropriate response

Some of these proposed responses are unnecessarily aggressive, if OP has previously given the impression she enjoys being involved and contributing to the events

I like this.

OP, I know you don't want to cause upset with this "friend" but going by the fact that she only ever calls upon you when she wants something, you need to realise that she just does not like you. I'm sorry. Its a one sided relationship. It's not about you or because of the way you are because quite frankly, you sound lovely, it's just how she feels. She isn't bothered about being your friend. It's very possible that she's the type who doesn't actually have friends, just people she holds on to to benefit her.

Never feel bad about treating someone how they treat you. Never feel bad about losing a friendship that isn't a friendship. Tell her straight. If she genuinely does like you and didn't realise she had been so thoughtless then she will apologise, grovel and make up for it with an added vow to never do it again.
But will that happen?

Be honest!!

(if you WANT to do it for Money)
hi, I’d love to help but I’ll need paid this time, can we agree a rate going forward?

(or if you don’t want to do it)
hi, no I’ll not be helping out this time round, I was expecting at least a thank you after the last time, given the lack of any appreciation for my time and effort I’m really disappointed that you’ve only got in contact to ask for more of my time.

For what it’s worth I really don’t think that is highly inappropriate, I f that’s how she feels then that’s fine to say.

Don't hint that you would like to be paid. Tell her that you're not doing it unless you are.

Don't say "I'm looking for paid work" or "I'd need to be paid this time" because she said she'd pay you last time but didn't, and those responses accept that you're not going to be paid for the last gig.

Just point out that you've not been paid for the last one yet, send your bank account details and ask for £12 x hrs worked.

Once she's settled up with you, then you can talk about the next gig.

She needs you ONE FUCK TONNE more than you need her - you have nothing to lose here, OP, except a CF leech.

Perhaps you might explain why it's highly inappropriate?

oh so she said she would pay you and has not. OK this definitely changes your response to her this time. Do not do silence - it is not powerful in this situation!

I agree with this. She will just keep asking and YOU will be in the wrong for then being "unreliable" 🙄

Either be up front and ask her what the payment is - and that you want last times money before you commit to this one.

Dont be embarrassed asking - that is what CFs rely on, that people dont like discussing money (while they are raking it in!)

Ok I thought hard about it and have sent pretty much what @LAMPS1 suggested as it best reflected what I wanted to say and how I speak to people. For those curious about my employment/ money situation: I’m an unpaid carer so it’s difficult to get a job and it’s really affected my self confidence, I didn’t find assertiveness this hard in the past!

Hello! Oh no I hope you’re feeling better very soon.. funnily enough I was wondering if you were ok as I hadn’t heard from you since that last event, I was pleased it was really successful for you! Thanks for thinking of me but to be honest it was such hard work and I was surprised (and actually really upset) when you didn’t get in touch afterwards to discuss the next dates and offer payment or token of thanks. I really hope next week goes well though, all the best xx

The reference to working like a slave!