Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

I would say : thank you so much for asking me .. would love to help but needs must so need to focus on paid work for a while xx

If you want to let her know she’s a CF without calling off the friendship, you could try this:

Hi CF, hope it all goes well for you but I can’t do it again, that last one really wore me out! Plus I can’t afford to work for nothing - I’m still waiting for that 20 quid, lol!

Just to clarify, was the previous event raising money for charity, or was it a business venture, making money for her?

I wondered this. At first it sounded like a charity thing, but then the implication was that it was something MLM or franchise, like a make-up party, or underwear.

If this is just to put money in CF's pocket, then stuff it!

It’s perfectly ok to say I need to prioritise paid work right now so can’t help.
Her:oh this will be paid!
you: to be honest that’s what you said a few weeks ago so I feel a bit burnt by that. You did very well out of a very successful event but I didn’t even cover petrol much less time.

"I only have capacity for paid work at the moment as money is tight. Hope your event goes well. Would love to catch up over a coffee soon."

You sound lovely, by the way OP. I'd treasure a friend like you.

This

Just to add to everything everyone has said, if you decide to say to meet up for a coffee or lunch, whatever, make sure you say something like 'in town' or at a local cafe people like or it'llbe your break at one if her do's! And that you'd be going Dutch or she'll expect you to pay - or when you order say you're each paying your own!

Staying silent is cowering away and not going to help with your issues around assertiveness OP

I get this all the time OP. I have friends constantly trying to involve me with their blasted pyramid schemes. I just say sorry no I'm too busy with my actual job.

I think if you know you won't see her for dust I'd go for one of the more scathing responses.

Hi x, the last even really wiped me out and it also took a chunk out of my spare time. I normally don't mind, but your lack of appreciation following the event, and the fact you only ever want to see me when you want free help means I'll be giving this one a miss. If you fancy meeting up for a cuppa and a chat at some point, I'll be up for that.
Thanks

I suspect you won't hear a peep

Definitely “you haven’t paid me for the last one yet. It was really hard work so my fee for this one will be £xxx”

Let us know how you get on!

No.....

Stop being a doormat and a martyr.

Get a backbone. Only you are giving yourself low self esteem by putting up with idiots

This is perfect

Couldn't agree more.

Why on earth would you say ‘thank you for asking’??

You're really bloody offended (and rightly so!) by her asking. So why thank her…?

Some of these suggestions are downright bizarre.

It’s either, ‘sorry, no, I can’t help’. Or ghost her. Simple as.

I'd missed that she'd offered to pay for the last event but hasn't yet. So I'd suggest:

'i only have capacity for paid work at the moment as money is so tight, and you still haven't paid me for the last one. Hope it goes well and is a great success'

But expect to lose the friendship, as I think she never had any intention of paying you.

"Hi CF, it's a bit awkward, but I didn't get paid for the last event yet. It was X hours 15 min. Please let me know when you've transferred the money. Thanks"

You won't see her for dust.

This is way too polite given the situation.
I'd tell hell the things you wrote in the opening message.

She's an Amanda to your Anne. Tell her in crystal clear words to fuck off or she'll think you're fair game.

Agree with this. In your OP you describe yourself as always volunteering, caring for elderly etc. so it could be that people think you are available and happy to do things for free. Most people running charity events would look for and accept free help just to cut costs.

Rude of her not to say thank you or even send a token gift and card but for your own sanity take this on the chin as the final straw and be firmer in future with others as well. I wouldn't be asking for a coffee if I felt used by a friend.

I'd just keep it simple:

Hi, I can't do that date, already got plans, and by the way, you still haven't paid me for the last one. My details are....
Thanks!

This is a very sensible approach. Thinking positively, maybe you could ask her for a reference if you apply for similar paid work elsewhere in future. It was not a wasted experience if you learned something about yourself, whether that's recognising when you feel taken advantage of, or what work suits you, or not.

So she owes you money?

Absolutely text back your hours and the minimum wage for the work you did along with your bank details.

Then forget about her.

There is nothing worse than feeling used. I'd message back saying, " Sorry I cant help this time, I have to keep myself free for paid work. Hope it all goes well for you x"

This is a nice reply if you really don't want to risk any conflict but want to get her thinking.

Add
Local/my self employed waiting rates are 16£ ph.

So once the 128£ has cleared ill see if i can fit you in, at the same rate.